Nina Kay

I haven't really posted here in a long time. I don't really have anyone that I can talk to that will really understand how I feel. So I came here. I went to my grown 36 yr old son's home today. It just breaks my heart & tears up my insides to see him like this. He is a small framed man, but this is different, way different. He literally, no exaggeration, looks like a walking skeleton with very yellow skin, only skin draped over his bones. He gave himself a shaved head haircut too, which makes it all look even more horrifying. I am just so so so sad & I just wanted to say this to others that might understand truely how much I hurt. There is literally Nothing that I can do to save him. I just have to suck it up & walk away. It's very devastating to say the least. Thank you all for listening.

Vale

Nina Kay,
The person I cared about wasn't even related, just a person I didn't want
to see throw everything away and plummet out of the middle class to a
barely human,in/out of prison 'life' (existence).
But even though she is not my blood....my heart aches for what this devil of abuse
has done to her.Living in a 'dope house',prisoner/maid to a violent felon.....
A family lady,with a future,a home,a (real) life.......all gone.
And now knowing,after everything I tried,it was all for naught.
When it started,I fought those who told me to cut and run.You cannot 'cut out' on a
person at their lowest point.

I don't fight anymore.I counsel others now......as soon as you suspect heavy opiates
(percs/heroin/oxy,etc).....>>>>>>>>>>>run like hell and NEVER look back.

I credit SR for showing me the truth.But recognizing that truth isn't easy.As this
is your son,it must be a thousand times harder.Thanks for sharing your thoughts.So many of
us come here to grieve lost souls.
:ghug3

Doingfine

Kind of like morning the loss of someone who is still here.

I really hope he gets a miracle. I know I received a bunch of miracles that turned me Around. But I also wanted to get better

Kindeyes

Nina Kay
I don't just understand how you feel........I am living it too.....along with so many other mothers here on SR. You are not alone.

The only thing that is different that makes it perhaps a little easier for me is that my son has no home for me to go to. No phone number I can reach him on. I can't seek him out....and that is a blessing in some strange way. It makes the process of letting go perhaps a bit easier.

I use some terrible tricks in my mind to help me survive. I tell myself that at least he's not a little child with some dreaded disease that is terminal. I tell myself that it is his life to live......and it is his life to take. And I pray. I pray that God will perform some kind of devine intervention that will save him. Anything. Prison? Anything.

I've heard it said that religion is for people who don't want to go to hell.....spirituality is people who have been there.

I find comfort in knowing that there are many recovering addicts who have hit a low so far down that no one thought they'd ever survive......and they have. I find comfort in knowing that miracles happen every day.....I can't expect one or wait for it.....but I can pray for it. I find comfort knowing that even if my son dies......I will somehow find the courage to keep on living. I find comfort in the warm hugs of friends in my meetings who understand. I find comfort in helping others who are trying to cope with the addiction of people they love. I find joy in the company of the people who love me. I find comfort in the literature from Al-Anon and Nar-Anon.

I am so very sorry that you have seen your son in this condition. As mothers, we pray, we let go and we turn our beloved sons (or daughters) over to God. We hate the disease. We watch as these adults we knew as young, carefree children become shells of the beautiful people they once were. We lose sight of the person they could have been. But we never....not for a moment.....stop loving them.

You and your dear son will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs from another Mom
ke

Spiritual Seeker

Keep visiting your very sick son , don't give up on him...

Doingfine

That's a hard one because of the whole enabling thing.

As spiritual seeker hints at, you may regret not spending as much time as possible in case he ODs

Im sure my mom thought that way about me, I was getting quite I'll. I've felt how you do about friends but at the end of the day I will help someone in need- sometimes to my detriment.

It's just so hard, can't I imagine of it was my kid (don't have any)

Sleepwell

Nina Kay, I'm so sorry to read about your son.

I too am trying to deal with this evil that has taken hold of my son. My family and I live in hope that one day he will wake up and decides that his life is more important than taking drugs. I sometimes talk to people that I can trust, my closest friends.

I have found that talking to a counsellor has helped me a lot also. Maybe that is an option for yourself.

My son rang the other night, asking for something which I couldn't help him with. He told me how skinny he is (as though I can't see it for myself), tells me he hasn't eaten for days and thinks he is dying because of it. Once again I have to tell him that only he can make the change and that I can't help him. It cuts me up inside.

I sincerely hope your son gets better.

Ann

(((Nina Kay))) Someone very wise here said to me yesterday "God have mercy on the moms of addicts". I will always remember those words.

I have watched my son destroy himself too and know the kind of pain that just brings you to your knees when you see them like that.

I can offer nothing that will help change things, but I will offer my compassion, my heart-felt hugs and my prayers, for your son and for you.

God have mercy on our children too.

Hugs

lightseeker

Nina Kay,

my heart goes out to you and to your son. Many prayers coming forth for both of you. I have had experiences with husbands dealing with addiction - and now a son. The pain with my son is exquisite and deeper/more profound than anything else I have ever had to deal with. I'm not discounting the pain of being involved with a partner that is an addict but I've personally found that the depth of pain with my son is very different. I didn't know that there was a worse place than where I have been but there is.....

I loved the quote about spiritually is for people that have been to hell. I hope that your son will get the "miracle" but in the meantime I will be also praying for your miracle....which is to find your way through this and find some sort of solace for you. You definitely are being held up in thought and prayer......I understand the depth of the pain....I've found that recovery hasn't saved me from the pain, it only helps me to deal with it.

Doingfine

And that is the exact reason that addicts do not want to be sober. We don't want to deal with the pain.

Nina Kay

I cannot say Thank you enough, for all of your responses. Just hearing others who know what it feels like from their own personal experiences talk back to me, is a relief & is refreshing. My husband stays in denial & refuses to talk about it or act like anything is going on, I don't like discussing it with my daughter because I want her to not be any more burdened with it all than she has to be, I do have a new Alanon, small group of 2-4 people, but none of them really are there because of their child, I have one very close sister that understands but has never experienced anything like this with her child or any family member except my son & another nephew that we are never around. No one can understand what I'm dealing with or going through like all of you here. Again, thank you so much for being here & listening to me.

wicked

I understand too NinaKay.
My oldest son is 30 and addicted to heroin.
He also has a hereditary connective tissue disorder that makes him extremely tall (over 6'4") and thin. When he is using he looks like a concentration camp survivor, just barely enough muscle to stand upright. His eyes, beautiful startling blue eyes, become glassy and unseeing.
So much intelligence, humor and warmth, taken, gone away.
I miss my son.

Beth

Nina Kay

Vale,
This is part of the heartbreak for me, concerning my son too. But my son has been doing this to himself for 17 yrs. now. He started being hospitalized regularly because of alcohol & drug addiction when he was 19 yrs old & he is now 36. We have had his cemetary plot since he was 21. I cannot believe that he has actually lived to be 36 yrs. old & I can't believe that he is still doing this to himself & all of us that love him.

Ilovemysonjj

Dear Nina Kay, It is so heartbreaking. I live with this pain too. My beautiful son is 22. He is lost to me now and I may never see him again. Right now I am waiting for him to be issued a warrant for stealing from us a large sum of money. Like Kind Eyes and others, my son is homeless, but now with the large amount of money, I am sure he has some kind of roof over his head at least till the money is gone. That wont take long since he is an addict.
I do feel God covering me with His love and peace. I reach out every hour (sometimes every minute) .

Nina Kay

Doingfine,
You are very right !! It is just like mourning the loss of someone, even though they are still here, so far. I'm very happy to hear that you had your miracles that turned you around. That does give me hope for him, but you are also very right to add that you Wanted to get better. I'm not sure that my son does, just yet, infact, I don't think that he is ready at all.
I do also understand what you are saying here, but using drugs & alcohol to deaden the pain only causes alot more pain for the addict. And Soooo Very Much Pain for those who love them & have their lives intertwined with them.

Nina Kay

Kindeyes,
I'm so so sorry that you are having to live through this too, but since it is this way, It's very nice to know that I'm not alone. I did feel very very alone with this horror for the first 8 yrs of my son's addictions & alcoholism, before I knew there was an Alanon support group & I found SR at the same time.
Yes, I know that this would be true for me as well, but my son now has 2 beautiful baby sons & a very young wife. They needed me, so I went. I try to make sure that I see my grandsons at least once or twice a week. So he is there when I go. I love my son so very very much & we are an affectionate family, but now he is so terrifyingly bones, that I have so much emotional trouble with hugging & kissing him. It makes me so sick in my heart.
Yes, I tell myself this & do this all of the time too.
Thank you for reminding me of this hope. I needed to hear it again.
Kindeyes, This is so very very true & so very well said. Thank you for talking to me with the understanding & compassion that only another Mother of an addicted child could.

Nina Kay

Spiritual Seeker,
Thank you for saying this. I do see him often & I really would Never give up on him. It is so hard sometimes though, because it's been so many years of his near death experiences & he still hasn't decided to seek recovery. I do always have Hope even when it's not logical to have hope anymore, because I know that Nothing is impossible for My God & His compassion & mercy are unlimited, so as long as my son is still alive, there is Hope. That is All that I have to hold onto.

Nina Kay

Sleepwell,
I'm very sorry to hear that you are also going through this with your son. I hope that one day both of our sons will wake up & realize this. They are so much more important than they seem to understand.
It is so true that only our sons, themselves can make the change. We can't do it for them. Oh how I wish we could just do it for them. It is the most desperate & devastating feeling to know that we Can't help them, even to save their lives. I hope that your son gets better too.

Nina Kay

Ann,
Yes, all Moms of addicts definitely need God's mercy, desperately. I know that He Does have great compassion & mercy for us. I have experienced it alot in the last 17 yrs of my son's addictions. If it weren't for God's loving mercy for me, I know that I would not be alive today and/or my son would not still be alive and there would be No Hope left for either of us.
I do also know that you can understand what I am going through from your own personal experiences of dealing with your son & his addictions & all of the terrifying fall-out from it. Your compassion & heart-felt hugs & prayers are exactly what I needed. Thank you so so much. And I offer the same back to you, as well.

Nina Kay

Lightseeker,
Thank you so much for your compassion & understanding & I'm so so sorry to hear that you've had to go through so many different sorts of pain & terrible experiences since you've dealth with having a husband & a son in addiction. I can't even fathom how horrible that would be. I feel so lucky just to still be alive & Not in a straight jacket in the asylum, because of all that's happened due to my son being an addict/alcoholic. You must be a very strong person. My heart goes out to you, as well.
Thank you again for this. I know that you do understand. I am working on my recovery, and part of that is being here & talking with all of you. This has helped me so very much more than I can say. I know from experience that what doesn't kill us, does make us stronger. For that I am grateful. At least some good is coming from all of this. And it has led me here where I've gotten alot of blessings out of being with all of you.