LoveMeNow

My AH loves to play golf. He plays in a shoot out ever Saturday. This game is for money and there is also many side bets involved. Gambling!

When I first met him, he played every other Saturday and every Wednesday. We had the kids on the alternate weekends and he could afford to play 2-3 times a week. I never realized how much gambling was involved though. When we got the kids full time, he started playing every Saturday which really ticked me off. Then I just accepted as any good codependent wife would do. "He needs his time to unwind." I never got any though which was my own fault. I can see that now!

Now he supposedly working a program and not using. He is going to NA meetings and seeing in a therapist. However, I know he missed his last 2 appointments for his therapist because he told me he got tied up with issues at work. He hasn't bought one book from NA, still no sponsor and seems to go when its convenient for him.

He claims to want to repair the damage he has caused to our marriage. He invited me out Sunday and I accepted. Then later, I said NO - I am not coming second to golf anymore. Those days are gone. You can golf Sunday if you choose (no shoot out though).

Now some may think I am being unreasonable, most men who golf would. But to me golf is more than just the love of the game. Its the addiction package because of the gambling.

The man who loves me so much and wans to make all this up to me, chose to golf. He feels I am being unreasonable because it's his one day and he should be allowed to play guilt free. I say NO, I am not going to be come after some hobby. I have done that for years. How committed are you to repairing our marriage?

He made his choice and I have made mine. I really don't believe he working on recovery and in many ways this just proves it to me. I think the NA meetings are just a place to go to feel better about being an addict. He sees he is not alone but isn't really doing any work.

Codependent behavior or taking a stand??? Also, I don't see it as ME or golf. I am asking what are your priorities! In my opinion, he showed me them.

dollydo

"Now he supposedly working a program and not using. He is going to NA meetings and seeing in a therapist. However, I know he missed his last 2 appointments for his therapist because he told me he got tied up with issues at work. He hasn't bought one book from NA, still no sponsor and seems to go when its convenient for him. "

Focus on his actions, his lack of committment to a solid recovery program. Honestly, IMHO, his priorty is not his family. He is an addict, just doing what addicts do, whatever pleases them first...it's all Me,Me,I,I.

LoveMeNow

My husband has always been a big Dolphin and I come from a background of football lovers. However, I just don't think this is the same thing.

I don't mind someone having a passion for something. That's not my point. Its his whole addict behavior and selfishness I am seeing.

I am not asking to give up the sport but in this case...he really needs to change people, places and things. There are many addicts on a golf course, believe it or not, I know he has bought pills there and the whole gambling thing falls right into typical addictville.

Also, you don't play an expensive sport and gamble to boot when your bills aren't paid. If it walks like a duck.....

story74

In my opinion, with everything going on in your relationship he should have chose YOU. This was a big issue in my relationship as well. Everything else was a priority. His birthday he had to party with his friends. Fathers day (his first) he spent the whole day playing golf and getting drunk. His only day off he had to practice with his band. I always said he priorities were askew. He ended up becoming a cocaine addict and abandoned his family.

It sounds like he isn't giving you want you need. Go with your gut. If you aren't happy, don't bend.

bluebelle

My experience with RABF using pain pills is that it left no attention for me. He was always out of it. When he was high on the pills, he was focused on work or watching television. He would get together with friends to smoke pot or trade pills. When he wasn't taking the pills, he was sleeping or just watching TV. Even when we did things as a couple, he wasn't "there." He was high, so I didn't have his full attention.

So, it sounds like this is not really about golf. It is about the fact that you are not an important part of his life. His life is (was) centered on pills, gambling, golf, etc., but you felt like you were not a priority. I get it. When someone is on drugs, their best friend is the drug. My counselor confirms this and so does my RABF. He says that while he was attached to pain pills, they were his best friend. Everything was about that. He admits that everything else came in a very distant 2nd (including me). Take care.

LoveMeNow

Answers to Your Questions -

1. He is only golfing once a week because thats all he has time for now with work and can afford.
2. I saw my therapist twice last week and 1 Naranon Thursday meeting - (we don't have many in our area. And Alanon and Naranon meetings are far away on weekends).
3. I have been reading some, not as much as I should.
4. I did cancel on Sunday because I was mad/hurt. Maybe a game, but I wont be second!
5. If I had a healthy relationship, I wouldn't care about his time. But being with an addict has left me feeling lonely and emotionally abused.
6. I need more meetings, I am meeting with therapist 2 times this week.
7. Honestly, I don't know how to find peace. I am alone now, I am unemployed now, I need a new place to live soon and the thought of cleaning out this house myself has me overwhelmed. I have 3 more dogs to find homes for and that will hurt more then I can say.

These things are reasons I have a hard time letting go. I still pray every night for HIS recovery, then mine. (not good).