corriep77

Greetings from a newbie,
I've just learned that my husband is an addict. His DOC is percoset. I think I might have know on some level that there was a problem, but had no idea until now how bad it is. He's admitted to me that its been going on for years, but would like me to believe that his doctor has had him on a script up until this past fall.
He is intelligent, well spoken, works hard, and is an amazing father. In all honesty, the only downfall to our marriage is our lack of emotional connection. He is very good at hiding, and is an exceptional liar. I can't tell when he's using. I finally called him on it, and he swears he's clean now. He can't tell me when he detoxed - I don't know if I saw it. I've been finding evidence of a lot more money going out that I ever knew about - He insists that he is using his money, not our money so it shouldn't matter. Yes, I know that snooping is really pointless and unhealthy, but I felt like I was going crazy and needed to be sure I was right before I accused him of something.
I am furious. I feel cheated, ripped off and embarrased. I'm terrified. I know that this isn't about me, but it certainly feels that way.
He insists that he loves me, and wants our marriage and family to work. I have told him that I love him, and believe in him, but would not be able to stay in the same home with him and our 2 small children if he is using. He swears he will never go back. I'm not sure I believe him.
Here is the part that IS my problem. How do I know if he is using? If he is using...what do I do now? Do I ask him to leave? Do I pack up the kids and leave the life that I built?
Thank you for listening!

Stayingtough

Hi. I am so sorry that you are faced with all of this. From my personal experience, this may just be the beginning of a very very long rocky road. I cant even tell you how many times my AH told me this was it, im going to detox, i will do anything to keep you and our son here... And i think he believes that when he says it. My instinct has almost always went hand and hand with the truth. If you listen or feel yours, it is probably holding the answer to if he is using.

My advice for you, is to take time to think about your "boundries", what you are wiling to deal with, what you are not. And stick to those things. I dealt with a lot more than i should have, but he crossed my line when he used in the house with our son in the next room.

This website has given me far more insight than I have ever had. The stories, posts, articles really shed a light on the truth that is so easy to deny. Good luck- read the posts, they go back years. You will see so many people go through this, fimd strength here. Post yourself, the support is overwhelming.... Always remember, you are strong, you are tough.... You can and will make it through this, one way or another. God bless you and your little babies, my heart breaks for you as i know just how you feel.

supportforme

Corriep77
I have been a member for years. I haven't posted in years - just absorbed and gained strength from all the wonderful folks here. I could have written your post about 3 years ago- at that time, I was where you are now. Over the years, I've tried to be the loving, supportive, respectul wife with boundries - no drugs in house, not allow to drive kids in car, etc. I handed in my detective badge about a year ago. Recently, our family has been shattered. He continued to live his double life. What he was doing was far beyond anything that I suspected or could even imagine - stand up, hard working, honest guy with absolutely no criminal history. He has now been arrested and is part of a major investigation for prescription fraud. My children are devastated. He was a wonderful, hardworking, high functioning addict that has crashed. The only advice I have is what I know has saved me. I made a decision to begin therapy 3 years ago and focus on helping myself. This provided me the strength and guidance to manage the chaos of living with an addict. Most importantly, it prepared me for the catastrophic event of when the reality of addiction devastates your family. You need to protect your children, yourself and your finances and most importantly, work on you and your sanity and health. Believe me, when it hits, you're going to need it. I wish you the strength you need to live and grow through this. I can't stress how important this is.

LoveMeNow

Hi Corriep77 - Welcome to SR.

I really could have written your post. And my story, like mosts, goes like this.....

He lied, and lied and lied some more. I denied and denied and denied. This "wonderful" father even swore on his own kids life. I stayed, took him back....time after time.

When you read that addiction is progressive, its no lie.

The boat went first, then my car, then the house, and now his family....all while he made good money, ran his own business and fooled many. My credit is ruined and I am sick or unhealthy as him....for now!

I did everything I could..thinking I could save him and our family. Fear and false hope dictated my decisions.

I would read all you can about addiction and really try to understand the demon you are dealing with. I couldn't tell either, so we did drug tests...only for him to use fake urine. WOW!! The man I loved became the most deceitful, selfish, manipulator. He is an addict and that is just who they are.

A wonderful father does not take drugs. A wonderful father does not spend any money on drugs. A wonderful father does not "numb" his feelings and become detached.

The man I married was much like yours when we met and married. I can honestly say that man is gone and I seriously doubt he will ever come back. Addiction controls his mind, percocets are his obsession. There is nothing left for over for me or our family. It's very sad.

It's all so hard to wrap your mind around....but these words were shared with me and I would like to share them with you. I have never heard anything more true.

Your addict isn't special, your love isn't special...it can not save him.

I am sorry for your pain. I know it well. The great lengths of deception an addict will go to will blow your mind. Currently, my husband is going to NA meetings and supposedly working on his recovery but I honestly believe its all just another ploy so he can come home. IMO, he really only wants to come so he keep using and make it seem not so bad. It's all a lie and if they have their family, then the addiction isn't really that bad...so they tell themselves.

liv1ce

Corrie
I am the percocet abuser your husband is. I am a highly successful professional who is adept at manipulation, lying, sneaking, cheating, stealing and abusing anything that will get me high. When using I will do anything to get high. I will forget everything that means something to me but at the same time am highly aware of what it is that means something to me. The problem is that getting high somehow means more momentarily.

In spite of what I have just said the desire to get high is combined with self loathing and a strong desire to some day, some how find a way to get clean and rejoin those that mean so much. When using I would awaken each night when the drug sleep had worn off and curse and hate myself. I would curse myself for being fat or not exercising or spending money on some foolish thing but inside knew that I was cursing myself and hating myself for what I was doing and for the gap that I had formed between myself and the wonderful person who I knew cried at night after I had passed out.

Whenever I had replenished my stash I would plan to "taper off" and quit. I had a stash of less effective drugs that would allow me some solace while the oxy wore off. These would be easier to quit. What a load of crap. As long as you have something you feel okay. When you don't you don't.

Overall, I feared quitting almost more than anything else because I knew what was waiting for me. In this regard I don't think that your husband could have detoxed without your knowing as he would have had significant symptoms. Google oxycodone and you will find a laundry list of symptoms of withdrawl. The most common and unable to be hidden are joint pain, runny nose, agitation, restlessness, irritability, extreme restless leg syndrome that is unrelenting and severe insomnia. This is what I had and I see it repeated over an over on this site.

It may be difficult to know when he is high if he is good at hiding and that is pretty universal if a person cares at all. If you don't care you just let it fly and various forms of obnoxious behavior, stupid thinking and abnormal speech can be seen. Otherwise there can be a glaze to the eyes, an occasional stumble to the walk, a syllable or two that get away, a thought that doesn't quite make sense, conversation that is overly drawn out and elaborate or being overly quiet and withdrawn. Unusual irritability can also be a give away as one is so intent on his own isolation that conversation from others interrupts. All this can be dependent on the personality of the abuser of course and none of this may mean anything.

My wife confronted me and hit me at a time of great need. I wanted to quite so bad but all I did was pile up more drugs to stave off the dreaded withdrawl. I had blown a perfect opportunity to have her help and continued using while knowing I could not do it by myself. I was spiraling out of control and when she stepped in I felt it stop and somehow it triggered the conviction I needed. At that time I chose to cling to her and the last help I could find. I could not lose her or I wold have lost everything and I might as well be dead.

I am now 15 days clean and sober and I am back. I am tough and strong and determined and completely in love with my wife who is learning to trust me again. She knows, however, who and what I am and that I can fall back anytime. I am exposed to drugs all day long in my job but I always have been and only abused this the last 3 years. Every time I look at a bottle of the evil crap I intentionally turn away and feel my resolve getting stronger. Each time I turn away I get happier.

By the way I abused the last 3 years but previously had to detox from alcohol abuse and a previous issue with drugs. I know the 15 days means only that as 30 years meant nothing.

All I could offer her in the way of assurance was my word which is of questionable value. So we have taken to a ritual of our own in which each day I look her directly in the eyes at the end of the day and tell her "I did not use any drugs or take any drugs today." Obviously I could lie but I know my eyes would dart away or my face would give me away as she means too much to me to lie directly to her face again.

In final note as this is getting a bit long, my greatest fear when thinking of withdrawl was the knowledge that I might never get to sleep again. I was well aware and experienced with the insomnia that comes with withdrawl. It is quite something and I believe unavoidable. In the first 10 days I got 6 hours of sleep and that was in three nights - the rest were no sleep at all. The brain of a chronic abuser does not know how to go to sleep without drugs. In spite of this knowledge you can find several posts by me on this site searching for help in the frustration of long difficult nights. It has eased some but tends to alternate. Last night I slept so tonight I am typing. If you did not observe such behavior then I doubt your husband went through withdrawl.

pibbles

Corrie
I understand where you're coming from as my fiance is battling this same addiction. He has abused drugs and alcohol for the better part of our 10-year relationship. His DOC is Oxycontin. He's considered a functioning addict, like your husband, so even when he's using, no one can tell - not even our closest friends or family. Even for as long as we've been together, it's difficult for me to tell when he's developing a problem again until it's too late. While I can't recognize specifically if he's using drugs, I can recognize a change in his behavior. You should know better than anyone the person he truly is. You'll never be able to control or change his habits or personality, and you'll never be able to provide the willpower to make him to stop, now or for good. That all has to come from within himself.

What you can do, like others have said, is set boundaries for yourself and your children. When I finally had my last straw with his alcoholism, I told him that his body and mind were his to do what he wants with - but not mine. I didn't have to stay around and put up with his BEHAVIOR, and I would not as long as he continued drinking. I said I could not and would not make that choice for him, but I could make it for me. He told me he didn't want this for either one of us anymore and he knew he needed help - to which I replied that I would always be there for him as long as he was actively seeking recovery FOR HIMSELF, not for me or anyone else. He chose to get sober from the alcohol, and has been sober from that and pot for several months now, though he struggles with it every single day, as all RAs will.

A recent motorcycle accident got him back on Oxycontin again. He took more than prescribed because his previous addiction made him have a higher threshold, and when the doctor cut him off, he went through withdrawals. This time around, he noticed that he was fiending for the pills again. I noticed old behaviors popping up and I called him out on it immediately. I reminded him I would not go down this path with him again. Instead of looking for drugs illegally, he decided to check into a methadone program. That in itself has been really hard on us both, but at least he is actively seeking recovery and for that much I am grateful. We are both going to start going to meetings (at least I am - he says he is, but again that will be his choice to make and time will tell if he follows through). As long as he doesn't slip back into his old behaviors, I'm still here. As soon as he does, despite whatever investments we've made in wedding planning or anything else, I'm gone.

So what I'm getting at is with a "functioning" addict, there's not really a healthy way for you to be 100% sure that he's not using. You can only decide for yourself what behaviors are acceptable for you and your family to live with, and what's not. I would suggest you go to NA or AA meetings both to find support for yourself and learn from other addicts about addictive behaviors. Of course, there are plenty of us here you can talk to as well when you need us. Once you learn how to recognize the behaviors, you can figure out how to draw that line.

You can only suggest (don't force) that he seeks support as well, as addictions are often a means for one to cope with underlying problems. If he can't make an effort to recover from the underlying problem and learn how to cope without drugs, then he'll always be seeking them as a way to cover it up...

Best of luck - I'm right there with you in spirit. *hugs*

PS - Oxyfiend, thanks so much for your insight. I know it's not easy to share but it's really helpful for people like us to understand this disease. *hugs* to you, too.

liv1ce

Pibbles,

Thank you so much for the hugs. I have been posting for the time I have been working on this and it is quite cool to be addressed directly and particularly with such a nice comment. It actually is not hard for me to share and I am willing to throw in on this anytime it might help someone. I find it quite therapeutic to spill my foolishness and stupid behavior out to others. It seems easy here where I am hiding behind this screen but in real life I am quite verbal. I am not only dribbling all over this website but wearing my wife's ears down to a nubbin from all the verbiage that is descending upon her these last days.

I agree with you on what you say although if I were placed in this same situation I know it would really hurt. Each of us addicts makes our own decisions, however, and as long as the consequences have been clearly laid out then the decision is there to be made. If you don't follow through then you are "as bad" as he is.

The statistics are out there that show how few of us make it. I have recently read on the AVRT website. Have you? It is a quite different way of looking at things and may actually present a viewpoint you can work with. If you have not seen it then just Google AVRT and it will come up. It is a relatively short read to get the idea. It really explained me and to use the lingo the "beast" has been a powerful voice that I feel confident I can overcome. I have done this before with really good results but the fact that I am back here again makes me really sad.

As I have recovered this time I have had "feelings" for lack of a better term of coming back after being gone for a long time. My wife and I have a little cabin of sorts that we go to on weekends and since we go at different times we drive separately. Last weekend as I was driving back on a beautiful day I was overwhelmed with this feeling of seeing things through different eyes. It felt as if they were the eyes I saw things through when I was younger (I hope this doesn't sound too weird). I realized that, indeed, it was true because with the drugs gone I was seeing things the way I saw them three years ago. I felt as if I had come back after being gone a long time. It was exhilarating and somewhat euphoric but at the same time exceptionally sad as I could also feel the huge amount of my life that has been wasted indulging in drugs and alcohol. I don't know how many of us ever get this sort of feeling but for me it was pure enlightenment. I can call up this feeling any time now and each time it hardens my resolve as I realize how good life is without this evil "stuff" (I want to use much stronger language but each time I do I get edited).

I must add that after 3 years of hiding, cheating, lying and isolating myself to take drugs it was the face of my wonderful wife and the hurt in her eyes that finally woke me up and got me started.

corriep77

Thank you so very much for your responses. I've been reading them over and over again for the past few days. Oxyfiend - I appreciate so much your insight. It's easy for me to feel hurt and angry, like this has been 'done' to me. I need to remember that I really don't have anything to do with it.
I can see some little things like you described. I find myself wondering if I really see it now, or if I'm reading too much into it. It feels good to talk about it, even if for now it can only be here.
I am thinking alot about my boundaries, and what that should look like. In the light of day it seems very simple, but at night, when the lights are off and I'm laying in bed alone, its very complicated. It feels very unfair. No matter what happens, MY life is changed, maybe even destroyed. I've always believed that I have control over my own destiny so to speak. It's a tough lesson to learn that I do not.
Pibbles - I'm realizing that this has been between us for so long, that I struggle to remember exactly what he was like before. It's interesting how slowly the changes have come - I've gotten used to behaviour over time that I never would have acccepted in the beginning. I don't know what behaviour will be okay from now on...
I think now that my initial shock and anger has died down, the biggest issue for me is the money. I can no longer cover his spending. Again, I don't know what the boundary around this will look like. There are so many variables.
Lastly, I'm scared that I'm not strong enough to enforce the boundaries that I set. I have been head over heels in love with this man for 15 years. It takes very little from him to make me melt. No matter what happens, I'm going to lose everything - I just hope my children don't.
Thanks again for listening.

Hjandro

Sounds like the begining of my issues. Good luck

Endofline

My story is much like all the others I have read on this site. I met and fell head over jells in love with a man seven and a half years ago. I never in all my life felt this close to someone,and I had been married before and have three children from that previous marriage. I felt I had finally found my soulmate, he made me feel so special and beautiful.I knew he liked to party, and I didn't have a problem with it I thought ok he likes to work hard and play hard to I found it exciting to be with such a charismatic handsome man that only had eyes for me. Well soon the occasional partying became a weekly routine and it wasn't fun anymore it actually became his priority and our life revolved around getting drugs at the time it was mostly coke. About 4 years ago my husband started taking vidicon for a torn meniscus but soon took way more than prescribed and mixed it with hard liquor. Then it was percocet and tiqilla he was out of work and drank all day and took pills. His whole demeanor changed and he was constantly lying and just leaving the house without even telling me he was going or when he would be back. Early on he would say sorry for fighting with me or being abusive in front of the kids, but eventually he stopped caring at all. In fact he blamed us for everything. He withdrew from me in every way didn't make eye contact never called or texted me anymore and said he wanted a divorce that he no longer was in love with me. I couldn't believe this was happening the person I felt the closest to all my life now wanted nothing to do with me. I tried giving him space, I tried telling him it was ok and we could get through this together I tried saying and did actually leave a few times but always came back. I'm not addicted to drugs to it's hard for me to understand how he could throw our life away, I wouldn't for anything. My addiction I have come to realize was him. I wanted to save him, I felt bad for his lonely upbringing and I saw good in him. I really wanted him to love me the way I loved him. I was consumed with the constant chaos in my life and as a result my children suffered. I suffered and still do I get up everyday hoping things will be the way they use to but everyday brings disappointment,because I'm finding it so hard to let go. I don't know why when I'm so unhappy and have been for years now, there have been numerous police calls and temporary restraining orders that I dismissed because my heart just wasn't in it. I just wanted things to work out. I am 47 years old I have lost everything my children my self respect we are financially ruined. I'm so isolated from friends because I tried to hide what was going on for so long. Now that they know I'm just ashamed and feel like a fool and a failure. I have gone to alanon, but I have so much anger I should be out enjoying myself but the only thing on my schedule are alanon meetings while all my friends go to dinner travel and have a life. I never thought in a million years this would be my life and honestly it has sucked the energy from me I work and then just come home spend time with my dog and go to bed. It's a nightmare that you never wake up from and I don't have the money to even get out if it. There was a time when I did have the money to leave,butihave stayed because I thought I could help him I didn't want to give up it's my second marriage and I was sure he was the one. I don't want to be the single girl out at a bar at 46 I hate my life and feel empty and alone

liv1ce

Corrie,

As I said in a previous post - if he were me I would be really hurt should you leave. It would devastate me. Would it wake me up? Would it put me in a tailspin? I don't know. If I had drugs at the time of your leaving I know it would be all the reason I would need to get really high and stay that way - then depressed. Personally I don't think I would move to suicidal thoughts but I am only me. I would imagine this thought has entered your head and kept you in place for fear of a very final loss. This is a worthy fear as suicide is a punitive thing so know your man before you leave if that is what you are to do. Be aware if you need to prepare him sufficiently.

Honestly, unless he can find a way to turn it around I don't see any way for this to end for you other than disaster. He has to be the one to make the decision and he doesn't seem to be moving in a positive direction.

To me it seems as if there are times in life when motivation hits you and if you can manage to act decisively at that time you can accomplish something. This most recent episode for me was stopped by me wife confronting me but it also hit me at a time of extreme self loathing and when combined with the hurt I could see in her it just hit me and stopped me cold. Today is 21 days for me and I have had nothing, there is nothing in my system and the cravings are gone. I also know that this means nothing.

Corrie please ask me any questions if you have them and want more information from my side. I am an expert in being a degenerative jerk.

Endofline

I'm so insure of how to use this site, but a made a post yesterday under the username Endoflineline. I think in the wrong place but I hope someone will see it and give me some kind of feed back.

liv1ce

Endofline

You have quite a story and I am unsure what to say. If you read further up in this thread you will see that I am the one who is torturing you. I am the drug fiend who can take someone's life away. Actually I can only take my life away. Those that go down with me are choosing to do so (although I may have to make an exception with children).

I can assure you that there is a human being inside the stupid, lying, scrounging baastard that you deal with every day. He is in there and he may be hating himself as much as I did.

The problem is finding him and bringing him back out and I have no idea how that is to be done in your/his case. The statistics are lousy for saving us poor fools. You find your life to be a horror that you never imagined would be yours. Is being 46 and single worse than this? In the end he is not making you miserable - you are and you need to find your own way. Obviously having your life revolve around him is not it. If you can find your own strength then his weakness won't affect you as much.

We are not all that different. Just as you don't want to be single at 46 standing in a bar I didn't want to be a drug addict ruining my life. I had to find a way to step away and find strength in a life without drugs. You may, indeed, need to find a way to step away and find a life of strength without him. How could it get worse? What is the worst thing that could happen? Is it worse than where you are?

By the way, I have been on this site for 3 weeks and still stumble from place to place. I cannot find the thread starter button which is what you may need to put your own story out there on its own as you are on a thread that isn't real active. I have been told where to find the "thread starter" but it simply isn't where I have been told it is.

I will keep coming back here today to see if you have anything else to say.

Kindeyes

Thread started button:

Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Click on the above link and look in the upper left corner area about two inches down. There's a little "button" that sais "New Thread". Click on that and it will allow you to name and begin your thread.

Hope that helps.

gentle hugs
ke

corriep77

Oxy - In all honesty, suicide has not crossed my mind at all. I do expect him to be angry, and maybe even physical. I recall an argument many years ago when we were young and stupid (as opposed to old and stupid now) when he physically held me down and would not let me leave. Another time, just after my first daughter was born, he threatened to have her taken from me if I ever decided to leave him. It's interesting to note that when I cornered him about his addiction last week and told him that we would not stay in the same house as an addict, he had nothing to say.
I understand very clearly that to help him, I need to stop covering for him and push him out of this comfortable life he has. The problem is, in doing so, I also lose what life I have too. I have put every penny I have into the house WE own. Everything. If I leave, I walk away from all of it. I'm on maternity leave right now, which means I would be living on a pittance, and childcare is very hard to come by even if I did go back to work early. I am literally stuck here, and so are my children. As selfish as it sounds, I'm not willing to start over yet.
All of that being said, I would like to believe there is hope for us yet. As I mentioned before, he treats the girls like princesses. He works very hard to take care of our home, and will help me with anything I ask (except for finishing the renovations in the basement, but that is a whole other ball of wax.) He has been really trying to show me he is different this past week. I know that means nothing to him or to you if he's still using. But it does mean something to me. It would have been so much easier if he had just told me he didn't love me anymore. At least then I wouldn't be waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Oxy - I have a thousand questions for you. You have no idea how much your openness has been helping me to gain perspective!

liv1ce

Corrie

I am glad the suicide weight does not rest on your shoulders or hang over your head. I know that my wife worried about it and questioned me but there was never any thought to that.

I see the dilemma you are in. If it would come to divorce You have a good case to get the house given his behavior but that is another issue. I have also managed to go through divorce making me an expert in lots of shittty things. I really don't think that we users should look for somewhere to place blame as it is ALWAYS a choice that no one makes but the user. In my case I know I used to numb myself due to the difficulties of the marriage but really there were other ways and I did like to get high. I got it right the second time.

The lower part of your last post shows me that he cares and has not totally isolated himself form you and your girls. That is a good thing and should show you that the man you knew is still in there somewhere. He just needs to find himself in the miasma of drugs and the life it is so entangled with.

I know that there were two reasons that kept me getting high (at least). One was the fact that I loved to get high. The first rush of the day is like no other. There is a definite reward for taking the drug. In my job I do a lot of driving and I enjoy it. I have one part that takes me an hour between destinations. I would save my oxy (especially if I was getting low) for that drive. I would look forward to it each time and then as the drug began to take effect it was "Yeah, here we go."

The other part was the fear of withdrawl as I mentioned before in a different post. And then if you can get through it YOU CAN NEVER DO IT AGAIN! A truly frightening thought to an addict.

You also mention "a thousand questions." I don't see any. Feel free to fire away.

corriep77

Oxy,
You mentioned at one point that even when you were using, you were aware that it was hurting your wife. Is that really true? Does he see what he is doing to the rest of us? Does he really grasp the idea that he could lose us? He doesn't seem to understand that I'm angry about the money he's spent. Is it possible that he doesn't even see what he's taken from us? When I say that ALL of MY money is gone, I'm not kidding. His response is to shrug and ask why I'm worrying about it. We're not rich people - we will be fine.
I asked him if he was ever using when he was alone with the kids. He swears he was not - is that possible? How long before the withdrawls start? Should I be concerned about the safety of the girls? I've never even questioned his intentions before - he loves them, and takes very good care of them...
Did you have any idea that the trouble in your first marriage was making it easier for you to use? I've tried to tackle what's broken (I know that there are 2 of us here, and I'm sure I can work on some things too) and have asked him to come to counselling with me. He refuses. Is that because he's afraid to get caught? Or does he really think everything is fine? He says he uses to manage pain. I can't imagine it's that simple. Does he really think I don't see?

liv1ce

Corrie
Well there's a few questions. I am up north right now and will be leaving to drive home in a bit so I will try to get to the bulk of this a bit later so keep checking back. Good questions by the way.

I have to answer in the last paragraph, however, as the answers are easy. I don't know if I was fully aware of what I was doing in my first marriage all the way through. I thought I was having fun but later the pathology of it all became obvious. In my first marriage there were certain things I could not do but I could get high and I could get numb any time I wanted to. Later I saw this as an excuse because I could have chosen to go to counseling and did not. There were multiple decisions I could have made but chose to use the situation to get high. I would say you have hit it on the head with why your husband will not go to counseling. That was my reason. I knew I would be seen for what I was even if I didn't fully realize what I was yet. My ex actually went to counseling which really pissed me off (because I knew they would be talking about me). I once went to my ex's counselor to confront him with the fact that I was not an alcoholic (my drug of choice at the time) and years later thought "what an ass." All I did was prove her point. AS to the end of the paragraph I don't exactly know but one thing that becomes painfully obvious should a person come clear of the crap is how immensely strong denial is. God, the things I have done and thought I was all right. Even though it is years later I will call up some of those things from my memory and just shudder. I cannot believe that I was capable of doing those things. To show you how strong it is I fully realized how wrong I was and was shuddering in response to the memories and then went out and did it again - and thought I was cool.

The level of foolishness, sheer stupidity, depravity and denial is beyond anything a rational thinking person can comprehend.

corriep77

Thank you Oxy for your help so far - your support here is invaluable. I know you think little of yourself, but know that your understandting means alot to me.
I look forward to the rest of your thoughts - along with thoughts on this:
At present, I am the only person who knows what is going on. Of course, he doesn't want his family to know. Is that up to him to share when (and if) he thinks its necessary? Or do I need to consider sitting down with them?
Stay well!

crazybabie

Endofline,
I don't want to be the single girl out at a bar at 46 I hate my life and feel empty and alone...

We are the same age and I am afraid of being that single girl as well I have never been single since age 15, yet again I am and was single in almost every way other than a signed paper that changed my last name.

I am a bit concerned about the hanging at bars part? I am hoping that was just an example because I for one know when I get healed when/if I ever date again I do not want anyone from a bar. RED FLAG for me.