My husband is in treatment Stuck hating myself
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My husband is in treatment Stuck hating myself
I originally posted on the newcomers page but someone suggested I come to friends and family page. This is my original post from last night.
My family is broken and its all because of drugs. My husband is in a drug rehabilitation center and he has been there almost 2 weeks. We have been married 3 years and have a 5 month old son. We had a beautiful marriage and he was everything to me, but then came the drugs. Slowly they took him over and I could look and not see who he was anymore. late nights, lies, suspicisons, money missing, arguments. After one particularly bad fight he moved out and was gone from my life.
Weeks after he left I found out I was pregnant. I didnt tell him. I thought eventually he would come home and this would make a differnce and he would change. He didnt come home. I finally tried to tell him over the phone but he didnt believe me and thought it was a trick to get him back. And then he was gone again and not me or his family had any word from him. He was not there for my entire pregnancy, the birth of our son, or these past 5 months.
I have felt so alone but at the same time I have prayed that he would get well and come home so I could have my family back. i love him and have never stopped even with everything he has put me through. He is my soulmate and when we married I vowed through sickness and health. I will never give up on him. When I was pregnant I watched videos of the two of us and let my baby hear his daddys voice. I want him in his sons life and know he needs his father.
My husband resurfaced recently and his family and I talked to him about going into treatment and he agreed. It was decided that we would tell him about his son and let him see him in hopes it would make him realize he has someone that is his and who needs him. We ended up postponing his admission for 3 days and spent time as a family. It was the most emotional time of my life and I was strong for him. I let him know how much I want him well and home with me and our son. We laid in bed with our son between us and both cried. I have never seen him so emotional in my life. He was also physically sick with withdrawals through parts of it and looked weak and broken. Northing like the man he used to be. Seeing him now breaks my heart and knowing what he has missed with our son also breaks my heart.
Part of me is very angry and hurt for all the things he has done. I have worked through most of my anger but made bad choices when I was in the thick of it. I have done the most horrible thing and cannot forgive myself. He was gone so long and while I am lucky to have the support of both our families and lots of friends as a woman I have been lonely and scared. This was my first child and to go through it all alone was terrifying at times. One of my husbands oldest friends has been there for me through all of it. At times it has felt like he stepped in and was a replacement. About 3 months after my son was born we slept together. It happened more than once but when I elt myself becoming emotionally attached to him I ended it. Im not in love with him but I care deeply. I realized if my circumstances were different this would be a man that I would consider spending my life with and I know he would always be there for my son. But that would be a lie because my heart is with my husband and this man is not my sons father. He has been used as a temporary replacement and that was wrong and selfish of me. he didnt want to let me go. He kept calling and coming by and telling me how much he loved me and needed me. That my husband will never get well, that my marriage is over, and that my son deserves a better father. He made me so angry we fought but that anger turned to lust and we had unprotected sex. I was scared because I had not bee nusing birth control but I think it is alright because Im breast feeding.
Since my husband has been back this man has agreed to step aside. I had to be incredibly cruel to him in order to make this happen but there was no other way. I needed him gone. Ive broke my vows, cheated with my husbands friend, and now this is going to be another scar on my marriage and my husband will be crushed when he finds out. I hate myself right now.
This weekend my son and I are going to the center to spend the weekend with my husband. I talk to him everyday and he seems fragile not like the man I know. The Dr says it will be 12-14 weeks before he is able to come home. I am terrified I will get a call saying he has left and Im afraid then I will never see him again. I could not survive that again. My whole body aches for him. The Dr says we need to begin work to bond as a family again. They feel knowing he has structure in his life will motivate him. While I am there I plan to talk to the family therapist and confess the things I have done and hope there comes advice on how to handle this with my husband. I know that right now is too soon. I know I sound like a horrible wife and a worse mother. Im anxious and excited for this weekend. I pray it will be the first step in putting my family back together.
My family is broken and its all because of drugs. My husband is in a drug rehabilitation center and he has been there almost 2 weeks. We have been married 3 years and have a 5 month old son. We had a beautiful marriage and he was everything to me, but then came the drugs. Slowly they took him over and I could look and not see who he was anymore. late nights, lies, suspicisons, money missing, arguments. After one particularly bad fight he moved out and was gone from my life.
Weeks after he left I found out I was pregnant. I didnt tell him. I thought eventually he would come home and this would make a differnce and he would change. He didnt come home. I finally tried to tell him over the phone but he didnt believe me and thought it was a trick to get him back. And then he was gone again and not me or his family had any word from him. He was not there for my entire pregnancy, the birth of our son, or these past 5 months.
I have felt so alone but at the same time I have prayed that he would get well and come home so I could have my family back. i love him and have never stopped even with everything he has put me through. He is my soulmate and when we married I vowed through sickness and health. I will never give up on him. When I was pregnant I watched videos of the two of us and let my baby hear his daddys voice. I want him in his sons life and know he needs his father.
My husband resurfaced recently and his family and I talked to him about going into treatment and he agreed. It was decided that we would tell him about his son and let him see him in hopes it would make him realize he has someone that is his and who needs him. We ended up postponing his admission for 3 days and spent time as a family. It was the most emotional time of my life and I was strong for him. I let him know how much I want him well and home with me and our son. We laid in bed with our son between us and both cried. I have never seen him so emotional in my life. He was also physically sick with withdrawals through parts of it and looked weak and broken. Northing like the man he used to be. Seeing him now breaks my heart and knowing what he has missed with our son also breaks my heart.
Part of me is very angry and hurt for all the things he has done. I have worked through most of my anger but made bad choices when I was in the thick of it. I have done the most horrible thing and cannot forgive myself. He was gone so long and while I am lucky to have the support of both our families and lots of friends as a woman I have been lonely and scared. This was my first child and to go through it all alone was terrifying at times. One of my husbands oldest friends has been there for me through all of it. At times it has felt like he stepped in and was a replacement. About 3 months after my son was born we slept together. It happened more than once but when I elt myself becoming emotionally attached to him I ended it. Im not in love with him but I care deeply. I realized if my circumstances were different this would be a man that I would consider spending my life with and I know he would always be there for my son. But that would be a lie because my heart is with my husband and this man is not my sons father. He has been used as a temporary replacement and that was wrong and selfish of me. he didnt want to let me go. He kept calling and coming by and telling me how much he loved me and needed me. That my husband will never get well, that my marriage is over, and that my son deserves a better father. He made me so angry we fought but that anger turned to lust and we had unprotected sex. I was scared because I had not bee nusing birth control but I think it is alright because Im breast feeding.
Since my husband has been back this man has agreed to step aside. I had to be incredibly cruel to him in order to make this happen but there was no other way. I needed him gone. Ive broke my vows, cheated with my husbands friend, and now this is going to be another scar on my marriage and my husband will be crushed when he finds out. I hate myself right now.
This weekend my son and I are going to the center to spend the weekend with my husband. I talk to him everyday and he seems fragile not like the man I know. The Dr says it will be 12-14 weeks before he is able to come home. I am terrified I will get a call saying he has left and Im afraid then I will never see him again. I could not survive that again. My whole body aches for him. The Dr says we need to begin work to bond as a family again. They feel knowing he has structure in his life will motivate him. While I am there I plan to talk to the family therapist and confess the things I have done and hope there comes advice on how to handle this with my husband. I know that right now is too soon. I know I sound like a horrible wife and a worse mother. Im anxious and excited for this weekend. I pray it will be the first step in putting my family back together.
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Welcome to SR.
When an addict abandons his wife and his marriage, it is not uncommon for the wife to feel lonely, unlovable, and in her emotional chaos, become involved with someone new. It is important that while you feel guilt about what you see as betrayal of your husband (many would question whether you owed him fidelity after he abandoned the marriage), that you do not shame yourself for being young, hurt, confused, abandoned, and vulnerable to any warm attention from another human being.
Your husband is only two weeks clean and I am astonished a counselor is suggesting that you rebuild a relationship with him so early in his sobriety and also that the counselor is inferring that doing so will be a vital contribution to keeping him sober. Your husband's brain is still very damaged by addiction and he is incapable of rebuilding a marriage right now. And you are NEVER responsible for his using or his sobriety in any way, now or ever.
I wish you good advice from a family therapist who specializes in codependency and who will help you navigate the situation. SR is a wonderful place to read every day, and if you post, many here have decades of experience in recovery from codependency as well as addiction and they can help you keep your thinking grounded.
When an addict abandons his wife and his marriage, it is not uncommon for the wife to feel lonely, unlovable, and in her emotional chaos, become involved with someone new. It is important that while you feel guilt about what you see as betrayal of your husband (many would question whether you owed him fidelity after he abandoned the marriage), that you do not shame yourself for being young, hurt, confused, abandoned, and vulnerable to any warm attention from another human being.
Your husband is only two weeks clean and I am astonished a counselor is suggesting that you rebuild a relationship with him so early in his sobriety and also that the counselor is inferring that doing so will be a vital contribution to keeping him sober. Your husband's brain is still very damaged by addiction and he is incapable of rebuilding a marriage right now. And you are NEVER responsible for his using or his sobriety in any way, now or ever.
I wish you good advice from a family therapist who specializes in codependency and who will help you navigate the situation. SR is a wonderful place to read every day, and if you post, many here have decades of experience in recovery from codependency as well as addiction and they can help you keep your thinking grounded.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden 
Your husband is only two weeks clean and I am astonished a counselor is suggesting that you rebuild a relationship with him so early in his sobriety and also that the counselor is inferring that doing so will be a vital contribution to keeping him sober. Your husband's brain is still very damaged by addiction and he is incapable of rebuilding a marriage right now. And you are NEVER responsible for his using or his sobriety in any way, now or ever.
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Welcome to SR and as always, sorry for the reason you are here.
Not that it matters....because drugs are drugs...but, just wondering if you would feel comfortable telling us what his drug of choice is?
Additionally, you should be prepared to learn that he has cheated on you while out there in active addiction. It goes with the territory.
Not that it matters....because drugs are drugs...but, just wondering if you would feel comfortable telling us what his drug of choice is?
Additionally, you should be prepared to learn that he has cheated on you while out there in active addiction. It goes with the territory.
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English Garden Thank you for your words of compassion. The way you explained "warm attention from another human being" that is much like I felt when I was with this man like I was soaking up the kindness and tenderness he showed me. If I had stopped at that point I could hold my head up, but what I did was wrong and it went against my value system. I was angry at the other man and wanted to blame him for taking advantage of me, but I soon realized this was a weak out for me.
Yearforme I know my husband was unfaithful. That is where much of my anger came from that led me to justify my actions of infidelity. It cut to the bone knowing I wa pregnant with his child while he was living this way.
I expect no more tha nto spend time with him this weekend sharing our beautiful baby , opening up the connection between all of us. By talking with him its clear that he is too emotionally fragile for deep communication at this point. I will take whatever I can get and see wehre it leads because Im told this will be a long process.
he went through a medically induced detox when he first arrived. My understanding is that it accomplished in hours what would have normally taken the body weeks on its own. There was debate among the family if this should be offered as it was costly and some family thought he would benefit from experiencing the pain of withdrawal. I couldnt do that to him though.
Does anyone have experience with this type of detox?
Yearforme I know my husband was unfaithful. That is where much of my anger came from that led me to justify my actions of infidelity. It cut to the bone knowing I wa pregnant with his child while he was living this way.
I expect no more tha nto spend time with him this weekend sharing our beautiful baby , opening up the connection between all of us. By talking with him its clear that he is too emotionally fragile for deep communication at this point. I will take whatever I can get and see wehre it leads because Im told this will be a long process.
he went through a medically induced detox when he first arrived. My understanding is that it accomplished in hours what would have normally taken the body weeks on its own. There was debate among the family if this should be offered as it was costly and some family thought he would benefit from experiencing the pain of withdrawal. I couldnt do that to him though.
Does anyone have experience with this type of detox?
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Welcome to SR.....I hope you find comfort here. There is a great deal of collective wisdom on this forum.
I second the suggestion to attend Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. Addiction is a cunning and baffling disease and it's important to gain understanding. Not only the understanding of the addict and what addiction does to them, but an understanding of what addiction does to YOU.
Welcome again...I hope you stick around, read, ask questions and share what you learn as you learn it. Others will benefit from your journey.
gentle hugs
ke
I second the suggestion to attend Al-Anon or Nar-Anon. Addiction is a cunning and baffling disease and it's important to gain understanding. Not only the understanding of the addict and what addiction does to them, but an understanding of what addiction does to YOU.
Welcome again...I hope you stick around, read, ask questions and share what you learn as you learn it. Others will benefit from your journey.
gentle hugs
ke
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Cynical one. Im confused when you say the advice the family counselor is giving me is alarming in nature. I know the rehab center that my huband is in is very good. And i have felt comfortable with his doctor and the staff so far. They have people there that work directly with family members and I am going to meet with them again this weekend.
I do think it is important that family not be left out of the equation. This is in patient treatment center so while I am able to talk to him almost everyday, I am not able to see him very often. I also think it is important that he is able to bond with our son as soon as possible because he has already missed so much. I think it is important for him to know that we are here for him, want him well and want him home with us.
I do think it is important that family not be left out of the equation. This is in patient treatment center so while I am able to talk to him almost everyday, I am not able to see him very often. I also think it is important that he is able to bond with our son as soon as possible because he has already missed so much. I think it is important for him to know that we are here for him, want him well and want him home with us.
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I agree with cynical one and out to lunch.
He cannot just jump back into "his" life, like you have been holding his place for him.
He is an addict.
You have no idea what he has been doing for the year he was gone.
You could just as easily go into that rehab and pick another guy and have the same results.
I am shocked the doctor would recommend this too.
As motivation for him?
Good God, what about you and your son?
Motivation must come from within the addict, he has to want to recover, he has to want it more than anything he has ever wanted before.
He has to want it more than getting high, and that is a tough one.
Please consider a second opinion, find an addiction specialist. He doesnt stand a chance otherwise. My opinion only.
Beth
He cannot just jump back into "his" life, like you have been holding his place for him.
He is an addict.
You have no idea what he has been doing for the year he was gone.
You could just as easily go into that rehab and pick another guy and have the same results.
I am shocked the doctor would recommend this too.
As motivation for him?
Good God, what about you and your son?
Motivation must come from within the addict, he has to want to recover, he has to want it more than anything he has ever wanted before.
He has to want it more than getting high, and that is a tough one.
Please consider a second opinion, find an addiction specialist. He doesnt stand a chance otherwise. My opinion only.
Beth
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Wicked. CynicalOne. Thank you for your reply there is much to think about in your comments. My first post left out a lot. My husband moved out of our home but he was fully functioning with a good job despite the drug use. His paycheck had always been automatically deposited into our joint account. Since he had always paid the bills for our home I continued to take that money out like normal. He knew it and never tried to keep me from doing that. Other expenses I paid for because that is the way we had always worked it.
I am the cause of his leaving our home to begin with. I thought he would straighten up but it backfired on me. What he ended up doing was transferring to another job location. I feel a lot of regret now that I did not go after him when I found out I was pregnant. At first I thought he would come home and then the anger set in. I realize now a phone call telling him the news was a horrible thing to do. He didn’t even believe me, and then I let it go. Stupid stupid. I refused to be the pregnant wife chasing her man across country begging him to come home. I could have handled the situation much better and my son and husband deserved that. I did too because I was soaked in anger and it hurt me most.
This rehabilitation center program was set up for 90 days when he signed in. They haven’t suggested he come home yet by any means. If he needs more time I will deal with it but he will stay there until he is ready to come home and not to sober living. (His rehab does not promote that type of plan). We went with a more holistic approach to treatment. Family is allowed ample contact during treatment but in no way do they stress I can cure him, or that it’s a joint effort or that without me he will fail. What they said is I can offer support, encouragement, motivation, and remind him that he is part of a loving unit. The rest is up to him.
You make very good points questioning how wise it is to bring my husband and son together because of the possible instability issues, but still this stranger is my sons father, and letting them remain strangers for another year or more? I just don’t feel right keeping them apart. I have been browsing other posts and reading about issues that arise when one parent maintains an addiction. This was one of the main reasons I chose not to seek out my husband earlier. I knew if he was embracing his addiction, then he could not embrace my child in a healthy way. But now that he is in treatment I feel that we have to support him as a family I believe in some ways husband needs son right now more than son needs him. But is that wrong?
These are sure things I never thought I would be dealing with when we got married. I thought he was my prince charming. Fairytales never have the prince addicted to drugs both prescribed and illegal. They never have strangers with guns dropping off his belongings on your doorstep. But someone had to think about these things when they put that standard clause “in sickness and health” in the wedding vows. Im not sure if that is in the bible? If not, it had to be a man. Isnt it that mens lifespans are not as long and maybe they were already planning ahead that when they got sick we couldn’t leave them?
I am the cause of his leaving our home to begin with. I thought he would straighten up but it backfired on me. What he ended up doing was transferring to another job location. I feel a lot of regret now that I did not go after him when I found out I was pregnant. At first I thought he would come home and then the anger set in. I realize now a phone call telling him the news was a horrible thing to do. He didn’t even believe me, and then I let it go. Stupid stupid. I refused to be the pregnant wife chasing her man across country begging him to come home. I could have handled the situation much better and my son and husband deserved that. I did too because I was soaked in anger and it hurt me most.
This rehabilitation center program was set up for 90 days when he signed in. They haven’t suggested he come home yet by any means. If he needs more time I will deal with it but he will stay there until he is ready to come home and not to sober living. (His rehab does not promote that type of plan). We went with a more holistic approach to treatment. Family is allowed ample contact during treatment but in no way do they stress I can cure him, or that it’s a joint effort or that without me he will fail. What they said is I can offer support, encouragement, motivation, and remind him that he is part of a loving unit. The rest is up to him.
You make very good points questioning how wise it is to bring my husband and son together because of the possible instability issues, but still this stranger is my sons father, and letting them remain strangers for another year or more? I just don’t feel right keeping them apart. I have been browsing other posts and reading about issues that arise when one parent maintains an addiction. This was one of the main reasons I chose not to seek out my husband earlier. I knew if he was embracing his addiction, then he could not embrace my child in a healthy way. But now that he is in treatment I feel that we have to support him as a family I believe in some ways husband needs son right now more than son needs him. But is that wrong?
These are sure things I never thought I would be dealing with when we got married. I thought he was my prince charming. Fairytales never have the prince addicted to drugs both prescribed and illegal. They never have strangers with guns dropping off his belongings on your doorstep. But someone had to think about these things when they put that standard clause “in sickness and health” in the wedding vows. Im not sure if that is in the bible? If not, it had to be a man. Isnt it that mens lifespans are not as long and maybe they were already planning ahead that when they got sick we couldn’t leave them?
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