Boyfriend becoming crack addict
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Union, NJ
Posts: 20
Boyfriend becoming crack addict
So I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years, he is/was my best friend. Just recently I found out he has a new addiction to smoking crack. He will lie and steal from everyone and it is so out of character of him. That's when my red flags came up. We would plan to hang out and he would tell me he is on his way and never show, this has happend multiple times. I just don't understand why he just couldn't tell me the truth or be like no I don't wanna hang out with you, id rather use. I am disappointed because this is not who I fell in love with and this drug use is so out of the blue and hit me like a ton of bricks. I think him ditching me Saturday night was the last straw off the camel's back. I am sick of him being a no show and having friends and family tell me I deserve so much better. I called him atleast 30 times on saturday and texted him but no answer. But today he decides to text me so I told myself I am just going to cut all ties. I don't want to answer his texts or calls and I am just going to disappear out of the blue like he does to me all the time. I have spent so much energy wasting it on him instead of myself and its exhausting. I should be focusing on school, not wondering where my boyfriend is. I just don't know if I am strong enough to finally move on. I always run back to him when I'm feeling lonely or when my friends are busy because I want to spend my time with someone. Whenever he apologizes, I tell him make sure it doesn't happen again and the cycle continues which makes me a fool. He takes me for granted and knows he has me wrapped around his finger but I've had enough. I'm tired of his addiction controlling my life and I want a fresh start to find myself again, the truly happy girl. I have not talked to him all day and I feel like I am finally wearing the reigns on the relationship. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders and all my friends support me and are there for me although I haven't been close with them because I've had a boyfriend. I just don't know where to start on finding myself again. This addiction hit me like a ton of bricks and came out of no where. I just can't believe he has hurt me so many times. I know all of the right answers of leaving him and how you can't control someones addiction, I just don't like to realize it sometimes. But my best friend told me, if you keep doing the same thing over and over, ur gonna get the same result. So try something different. I love him so much but he is a different person and his help is beyond what I can do for him. It hurts like crazy but I learned so much from this relationship and what I expect in my next relationships with someone. Just sucks the relationship had to end this way.
I have been no contact with him for 4 days. It is so tough to not respond to his texts that he sends me but I feel like if hes out of my sight, then hes out of my mind (for the most part). Today is one of those down days where I am just feeling lonely and want him next to me but I know i cant do that to myself. Im also wondering is No contact the way to go right now? I kinda just left and havent answered him or his family when they contacted me and kinda just vanished from their lives. I left him with no explanation and no reason for him to explain himself for not showing up. I feel a sense of no closure because I feel bad just getting up and leaving and not telling anyone why or how I was feeling which I think me not talking to him has made a very strong statement for myself because usually I am not able to hold out this long without talking to him.
Sorry, I am just rambling but I am venting on the clarity that has been thru my head lately and it feels good to get support from others. Any advice or stories would be amazing. Thank you all <3
I have been no contact with him for 4 days. It is so tough to not respond to his texts that he sends me but I feel like if hes out of my sight, then hes out of my mind (for the most part). Today is one of those down days where I am just feeling lonely and want him next to me but I know i cant do that to myself. Im also wondering is No contact the way to go right now? I kinda just left and havent answered him or his family when they contacted me and kinda just vanished from their lives. I left him with no explanation and no reason for him to explain himself for not showing up. I feel a sense of no closure because I feel bad just getting up and leaving and not telling anyone why or how I was feeling which I think me not talking to him has made a very strong statement for myself because usually I am not able to hold out this long without talking to him.
Sorry, I am just rambling but I am venting on the clarity that has been thru my head lately and it feels good to get support from others. Any advice or stories would be amazing. Thank you all <3
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I, too, am a recovering crack addict as well as a recovering codependent. First bf was a functioning alcoholic. I spent 20-ish years with him, got totally despondent that I couldn't MAKE our relationship work, turned to drugs. I drank to keep up or put up with him. Quit that, no problem. Got hooked on opiates..quit that, no problem.
Discovered crack, went totally off the deep end. I spent a few years prostituting myself, hooked up with first one crack addict, then another. I finally got tired of consequences, and chose recovery.
That was a little over 5 years ago, but I absolutely will NOT be around another crack addict. Had a coworker who first "just sold it" then used it. I detached, had nothing to do with him. He is clean now, last I heard, but I refuse to be around anyone who is using crack.
Personally, I think of crack as evil. It made me into a person I never thought I would be. I went from being an RN, with all kinds of certifications, to a street-walking crack addict.
I hope you get away from him. He will suck the life out of you. Though I never stole anything, my XABF did, and I hated it. I chose recovery, he died because smoking that stupid crack pipe was more important than going to a doctor for pneumonia.
This forum has been like a life-line for me. You aren't alone, unfortunately, but I've learned a lot from the great people here.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Discovered crack, went totally off the deep end. I spent a few years prostituting myself, hooked up with first one crack addict, then another. I finally got tired of consequences, and chose recovery.
That was a little over 5 years ago, but I absolutely will NOT be around another crack addict. Had a coworker who first "just sold it" then used it. I detached, had nothing to do with him. He is clean now, last I heard, but I refuse to be around anyone who is using crack.
Personally, I think of crack as evil. It made me into a person I never thought I would be. I went from being an RN, with all kinds of certifications, to a street-walking crack addict.
I hope you get away from him. He will suck the life out of you. Though I never stole anything, my XABF did, and I hated it. I chose recovery, he died because smoking that stupid crack pipe was more important than going to a doctor for pneumonia.
This forum has been like a life-line for me. You aren't alone, unfortunately, but I've learned a lot from the great people here.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
Greetings Freckly,
I am now three months separated from my exABF who I was with for over two years.
He didn't abuse me (physically), he didn't steal from me (monetarily) and I didn't even ever see him high...he would just disappear. The disappearance was maddening for me, and the maddening part kept me digging a hole into codependency until I finally realized I was digging a hole. All of the energy that I poured into trying to help...was futile really. In fact he progressed.
The progression was somewhat subtle...but I identified it as progression which was important to my ability to let go. Though I did everything I could "to try to help" I realized that he had actually quit disappearing as much...instead of staying out all night he started to come home when he felt like he could slide in under the radar. (Progression) Instead of disappearing for a few days and then coming back all remorseful... he started to lie right to my face. (Progression)
The best thing I could do for myself...and paradoxically for him too...was to walk. To detach...with love. Al anon, nar anon, codependent literature and SR SR SR (!!) has helped me to do this. It is a lot of work, but it has turned out to be part of my life's work. Learning to detach from addiction is a profound experience. Huge growth of heart, mind and spirit is involved. Detaching is not the same as separation.
While separation is a specific decision, detachment is a general rule. Some people manage to detach and stay in relationship. For me, I have needed the space, the distance, the time...to gain clarity, serenity, well-being, and a more objective healthy perspective on life and love and relationship.
I had to get out of the madness to see that I was a part of it.
Crack is utter madness, and attachment to it is the same.
This is one of the best reads I have found...check it out!
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
I am now three months separated from my exABF who I was with for over two years.
He didn't abuse me (physically), he didn't steal from me (monetarily) and I didn't even ever see him high...he would just disappear. The disappearance was maddening for me, and the maddening part kept me digging a hole into codependency until I finally realized I was digging a hole. All of the energy that I poured into trying to help...was futile really. In fact he progressed.
The progression was somewhat subtle...but I identified it as progression which was important to my ability to let go. Though I did everything I could "to try to help" I realized that he had actually quit disappearing as much...instead of staying out all night he started to come home when he felt like he could slide in under the radar. (Progression) Instead of disappearing for a few days and then coming back all remorseful... he started to lie right to my face. (Progression)
The best thing I could do for myself...and paradoxically for him too...was to walk. To detach...with love. Al anon, nar anon, codependent literature and SR SR SR (!!) has helped me to do this. It is a lot of work, but it has turned out to be part of my life's work. Learning to detach from addiction is a profound experience. Huge growth of heart, mind and spirit is involved. Detaching is not the same as separation.
While separation is a specific decision, detachment is a general rule. Some people manage to detach and stay in relationship. For me, I have needed the space, the distance, the time...to gain clarity, serenity, well-being, and a more objective healthy perspective on life and love and relationship.
I had to get out of the madness to see that I was a part of it.
Crack is utter madness, and attachment to it is the same.
This is one of the best reads I have found...check it out!
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 184
You dont owe any one any answers. You did what was right for you. Don't second guess your decisions! You seem to have gotten off a wild and torturous ride that many people have wasted big portions of their life riding, expecting it to change.
You should be proud of yourself, and hopeful. Your life is what you make it and now you can do so without some extra dead weight pulling on your heart and your mind. If the texts and calls are hurtful, you can call your cellphone carrier and have certain numbers blocked from sending data to your phone.
Best of luck
hugs
You should be proud of yourself, and hopeful. Your life is what you make it and now you can do so without some extra dead weight pulling on your heart and your mind. If the texts and calls are hurtful, you can call your cellphone carrier and have certain numbers blocked from sending data to your phone.
Best of luck
hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Spring Texas
Posts: 62
Originally Posted by Impurrfect 
I, too, am a recovering crack addict as well as a recovering codependent. First bf was a functioning alcoholic. I spent 20-ish years with him, got totally despondent that I couldn't MAKE our relationship work, turned to drugs. I drank to keep up or put up with him. Quit that, no problem. Got hooked on opiates..quit that, no problem.
Discovered crack, went totally off the deep end. I spent a few years prostituting myself, hooked up with first one crack addict, then another. I finally got tired of consequences, and chose recovery.
That was a little over 5 years ago, but I absolutely will NOT be around another crack addict. Had a coworker who first "just sold it" then used it. I detached, had nothing to do with him. He is clean now, last I heard, but I refuse to be around anyone who is using crack.
Personally, I think of crack as evil. It made me into a person I never thought I would be. I went from being an RN, with all kinds of certifications, to a street-walking crack addict.
I hope you get away from him. He will suck the life out of you. Though I never stole anything, my XABF did, and I hated it. I chose recovery, he died because smoking that stupid crack pipe was more important than going to a doctor for pneumonia.
This forum has been like a life-line for me. You aren't alone, unfortunately, but I've learned a lot from the great people here.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Discovered crack, went totally off the deep end. I spent a few years prostituting myself, hooked up with first one crack addict, then another. I finally got tired of consequences, and chose recovery.
That was a little over 5 years ago, but I absolutely will NOT be around another crack addict. Had a coworker who first "just sold it" then used it. I detached, had nothing to do with him. He is clean now, last I heard, but I refuse to be around anyone who is using crack.
Personally, I think of crack as evil. It made me into a person I never thought I would be. I went from being an RN, with all kinds of certifications, to a street-walking crack addict.
I hope you get away from him. He will suck the life out of you. Though I never stole anything, my XABF did, and I hated it. I chose recovery, he died because smoking that stupid crack pipe was more important than going to a doctor for pneumonia.
This forum has been like a life-line for me. You aren't alone, unfortunately, but I've learned a lot from the great people here.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Spring Texas
Posts: 62
You know your boyfriend is the one with the crack addiction and you know you are putting yourself at risk by just being with him. My ABF who is now serving a two year jail sentence would disappear on me too, and then come with his sad story of how I made him get high or he was bored and ran into someone he knew that gave him a hit of dope. Distance is the BEST thing that you can do for yourself because he is drugging with crack and right now that is whats important to him. Although he is not doing it now he may start lying to you just to get into your house to steal something so that he can pawn for dope, and there are so many girls out there who will try to entice men to get dope or get high with them that you may pick some kind of std up. I never let my boyfriend have sex without a condom after he was gone on a mission- 3 to five days gone smoking.Believe me if he's only gone for a few days like friday and saturday it will eventually turn into friday sat sun monday tuesday wednesday....then call you to sleep with him and rest up for the next mission. Keep yourself from all the heartache and health risks...stay away from him...He is not the same person you fell in love with. And he is not going to stop using right now. The best time for you to talk to him is when he is in jail because although i may sound harsh its a reality for most men who smoke crack-jail. Then and only then will you be safe cause hes in jail and hes not using. Do yourself a favor and stay busy with school, change your phone number and don't give it to him. I feel so bad for you cause I know the lonliness of not having your partner with you , your bestfriend, your mate. Its not a good feeling, but neither is an STD. So stay strong and don't settle. You know you deserve better than that kind of life. Prayers and hugs to you.
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
FreckleFace I am so sorry you are going through this. On the 11th of this month I'll be 9 months off crack. Crack possessed me, that's the only way I can explain it. I wasn't happy, sad, or anything else. When I was high I was in this place where there was nothing or nobody. No happiness, no sadness, no emotions, nothing. I never stole anything, but I'm not saying I wouldn't have. I remember once trading a car for some crack, hocked all my work tools numerous times and finally couldn't keep a job anymore. Probably, maybe, the only thing you can do is move on, because while he is addicted he isn't going to care about anything or anybody. Prayin for him. 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by FreckleFace
I just don't know if I am strong enough to finally move on. I always run back to him when I'm feeling lonely or when my friends are busy because I want to spend my time with someone.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 462
freckles i just found this in a post by another site users...i think its has some very relevant info.
Moving Forward
Much as we would like, we cannot bring everyone with us on this journey called recovery. We are not being disloyal by allowing ourselves to move forward. We don't have to wait for those we love to decide to change as well.
Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to grow, even though the people we love are not ready to change. We may even need to leave people behind in their dysfunction or suffering because we cannot recover for them. We don't need to suffer with them.
It doesn't help.
It doesn't help for us to stay stuck just because someone we love is stuck. The potential for helping others is far greater when we detach, work on ourselves, and stop trying to force others to change with us.
Changing ourselves, allowing ourselves to grow while others seek their own path, is how we have the most beneficial impact on people we love. We're accountable for ourselves. They're accountable for themselves. We let them go, and let ourselves grow.
Today, I will affirm that it is my right to grow and change, even though someone I love may not be growing and changing alongside me.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation
__________________
Moving Forward
Much as we would like, we cannot bring everyone with us on this journey called recovery. We are not being disloyal by allowing ourselves to move forward. We don't have to wait for those we love to decide to change as well.
Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to grow, even though the people we love are not ready to change. We may even need to leave people behind in their dysfunction or suffering because we cannot recover for them. We don't need to suffer with them.
It doesn't help.
It doesn't help for us to stay stuck just because someone we love is stuck. The potential for helping others is far greater when we detach, work on ourselves, and stop trying to force others to change with us.
Changing ourselves, allowing ourselves to grow while others seek their own path, is how we have the most beneficial impact on people we love. We're accountable for ourselves. They're accountable for themselves. We let them go, and let ourselves grow.
Today, I will affirm that it is my right to grow and change, even though someone I love may not be growing and changing alongside me.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation
__________________
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I am going to take a different tact here.
I am the mother of an addict (son). I have "been there" for him for many years. I am codependent (recovering). I taught my son how to treat women. I taught him that he can do anything and misbehave in any way and he will still be loved and accepted back into the warmth of my loving arms. And this is how he treats women. He thinks he can do anything--treat them any way he wants to. And he can. Because they keep accepting him back into the warmth of their loving arms.
I have stopped this maddening, insane behavior. Not because I don't love him--I do. But because this is how people learn to treat other people. If you keep allowing him to treat you poorly but he knows he will always be accepted back into your loving arms, he will keep doing it......because you let him.
As the mother of an addict, I truly wish that women would not allow my son to treat them like crap. I wish they would have the strength and wisdom to take care of themselves FIRST.....so that he can learn that women deserve to be treated with respect. YOU deserve to be treated with courtesy and respect.
gentle hugs
ke
I am the mother of an addict (son). I have "been there" for him for many years. I am codependent (recovering). I taught my son how to treat women. I taught him that he can do anything and misbehave in any way and he will still be loved and accepted back into the warmth of my loving arms. And this is how he treats women. He thinks he can do anything--treat them any way he wants to. And he can. Because they keep accepting him back into the warmth of their loving arms.
I have stopped this maddening, insane behavior. Not because I don't love him--I do. But because this is how people learn to treat other people. If you keep allowing him to treat you poorly but he knows he will always be accepted back into your loving arms, he will keep doing it......because you let him.
As the mother of an addict, I truly wish that women would not allow my son to treat them like crap. I wish they would have the strength and wisdom to take care of themselves FIRST.....so that he can learn that women deserve to be treated with respect. YOU deserve to be treated with courtesy and respect.
gentle hugs
ke
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