How to handle "I'm going to kill myself tonight"
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 20
How to handle "I'm going to kill myself tonight"
My husband and I were in a not so bad place in our head until tonight. We are undertaking a course to help us deal with our AS and ourselves, seeing a counsellor each and our anxiety levels seemed to be under control. One phone call from our son and everything good that we learnt and put into action gets undone in a second.
Over the phone our son demanded for us to fix his car, immediately. Not sure why he would ask us as he knows what the answer will be.....No. Then he starts crying while talking to my husband and saying he can't deal with this any longer and is going to kill himself. Straight away we get into the car to drive over in panic mode. Half way there we get in touch with him on the phone and he is in a different frame of mind. So we turn around and go home and hope for the best.
This is not the first time he has said that he will kill himself and we have called the police in the past. They said that most people talk about killing themselves but don't actually do it. It doesn't make you feel any better them saying that. He is living at my parent's house while they are away (that's another sorry saga), and as they have been 'enabling' him, he has noone to help him out at the moment. We know the best thing for him is not doing anything at all, but is it?
How do people handle this? It is so sad, it also makes me mad, guilty, and my heart feels like it is going to jump out of my body. I know we can't save him from all of this, but how do you desensitise yourself?
Over the phone our son demanded for us to fix his car, immediately. Not sure why he would ask us as he knows what the answer will be.....No. Then he starts crying while talking to my husband and saying he can't deal with this any longer and is going to kill himself. Straight away we get into the car to drive over in panic mode. Half way there we get in touch with him on the phone and he is in a different frame of mind. So we turn around and go home and hope for the best.
This is not the first time he has said that he will kill himself and we have called the police in the past. They said that most people talk about killing themselves but don't actually do it. It doesn't make you feel any better them saying that. He is living at my parent's house while they are away (that's another sorry saga), and as they have been 'enabling' him, he has noone to help him out at the moment. We know the best thing for him is not doing anything at all, but is it?
How do people handle this? It is so sad, it also makes me mad, guilty, and my heart feels like it is going to jump out of my body. I know we can't save him from all of this, but how do you desensitise yourself?
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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Before I comment I want to say emphatically that, if someone threatens suicide and you know where they are, call the police. This will accomplish one of two things:
1. If he is serious, appropriate help will get there faster than you can.
2. If he is not serious, it will send a very strong message that suicide threats are not appropriate manipulation tactics.
I have had two addicts in my life. My exhusband and the son we had together (son is now 30). I stayed in that lousy marriage for five years......why? Because my XAH told me regularly that he would kill himself if I left him. I finally got sick and tired of it and left. That was almost 30 years ago.....he's still alive.
My son has been using regular threats of suicide for many years. Initially, I panicked and came to his aid, making sure he knew how very much he was loved. This became a Pavlov's dog reaction. Eventually, I began calling the police when he would do this. Now, if he does it, he gets no reaction. None. Nothing. After years of this psychological abuse, I have come to terms with the fact that he may very well kill himself. And there's not a darn thing I can do about it. It is his life to live. It is his life to take.
The boy who cried wolf. That is who my son has become to me. He used threats of suicide in order to get me into a panic so that I will feel compelled to help him. He has used my love and my fear as tools to manipulate my thoughts and actions.
These are my experiences. Please.....take what you need and leave the rest. I am not suggesting that you do what I have done. I am only sharing so that you will understand that others have lived this terror too.
gentle hugs
ke
1. If he is serious, appropriate help will get there faster than you can.
2. If he is not serious, it will send a very strong message that suicide threats are not appropriate manipulation tactics.
I have had two addicts in my life. My exhusband and the son we had together (son is now 30). I stayed in that lousy marriage for five years......why? Because my XAH told me regularly that he would kill himself if I left him. I finally got sick and tired of it and left. That was almost 30 years ago.....he's still alive.
My son has been using regular threats of suicide for many years. Initially, I panicked and came to his aid, making sure he knew how very much he was loved. This became a Pavlov's dog reaction. Eventually, I began calling the police when he would do this. Now, if he does it, he gets no reaction. None. Nothing. After years of this psychological abuse, I have come to terms with the fact that he may very well kill himself. And there's not a darn thing I can do about it. It is his life to live. It is his life to take.
The boy who cried wolf. That is who my son has become to me. He used threats of suicide in order to get me into a panic so that I will feel compelled to help him. He has used my love and my fear as tools to manipulate my thoughts and actions.
These are my experiences. Please.....take what you need and leave the rest. I am not suggesting that you do what I have done. I am only sharing so that you will understand that others have lived this terror too.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I think that calling 911 every time is the only thing that you can do. I just finished reading a book last night called "Don't Let Your Kids Kill You" and it talked about how this scenario occurs again and again.
Hugs....I know how difficult this is.
Hugs....I know how difficult this is.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Sleepwell 
He is living at my parent's house while they are away (that's another sorry saga), and as they have been 'enabling' him, he has noone to help him out at the moment. We know the best thing for him is not doing anything at all, but is it?
Repeated threats of suicide often imposes traumatic stress. EMDR therapy is often helpful in terms of desensitising trauma.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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When your AS is threatening, and has threatened, suicide, please be aware that's his trump card. He knows damn well that if he plays that card, you're going to go on high alert.
Of course, it's understable why you'd go on high alert, because on some level, you have to take the threat seriously. But what this really is is manipulation of the highest order.
As for what you should do, simple: don't let him hold you hostage. And if you think he's really at risk, then call the authorities.
I am really sorry that you're going through this. Please take care of you.
ZoSo
Of course, it's understable why you'd go on high alert, because on some level, you have to take the threat seriously. But what this really is is manipulation of the highest order.
As for what you should do, simple: don't let him hold you hostage. And if you think he's really at risk, then call the authorities.
I am really sorry that you're going through this. Please take care of you.
ZoSo
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 455
When my D used to threaten suicide, I'd call 911 if I knew where she was. If not, I told her that we loved her but could neither meet her demands nor stop her. When she realized it was pointless to threaten, she stopped.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 20
I went to bed to try and sleep after posting this (we're in a different time zone compared to some others here) and jumped back online this morning to find so much great advice. Thank you so much everyone.
I didn't realise he would may use it as a tactic to manipulate us, but thinking about it now of course it makes sense. One day he even took a rope and asked my father how to tie a knot as he will be hanging himself on this or that tree. Shocking.
The idea about calling the police each time to show him there are consequences of his actions is the way forward for us then. Some years ago we did this and they took him to the psyche ward only to release him the next day. The last time we called the police (earlier this year) they said they could take him to the hospital again but they know they will 'process' him and send him off on his merry way. Well, maybe not so merry.
I'm so glad I posted this question and we now have a plan going forward. Your comments have helped a lot so thanks again. Much appreciated.
I didn't realise he would may use it as a tactic to manipulate us, but thinking about it now of course it makes sense. One day he even took a rope and asked my father how to tie a knot as he will be hanging himself on this or that tree. Shocking.
The idea about calling the police each time to show him there are consequences of his actions is the way forward for us then. Some years ago we did this and they took him to the psyche ward only to release him the next day. The last time we called the police (earlier this year) they said they could take him to the hospital again but they know they will 'process' him and send him off on his merry way. Well, maybe not so merry.
I'm so glad I posted this question and we now have a plan going forward. Your comments have helped a lot so thanks again. Much appreciated.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Over the river and thru the woods
Posts: 69
My son did the same thing... FOR YEARS! I called the police, took him into rehab... etc. Finally the threats subsided and when we least expected it he did take his life, last August. I do think it can be meant as manipulative (I thought so in our case)
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
My x used it as a huge manipulation tool. It kept me in a violent relationship for a long time. One night I finally tried to leave and he attempted suicide. I would always advise everyone to take threats seriously. My ex didn't mean it and didn't actually want to die, he just wanted power over me. It was manipulation to the highest degree.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
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My son has threatened twice. Once I swooped in and he admitted himself for the detox/lockdown for 4 days (over his 21st birthday). Second time he didn't even tell us. He was picked up for walking on railroad tracks and spent his 22nd birthday in lockdown. Now he has run away from life. He is posting dismal poems on Facebook. I think he is manipulating others now that he has cut himself completely off from his real family with the last heartbreaking action.
I would call 911 if I knew where he was.
I would call 911 if I knew where he was.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 720
I agree that calling 911 is the path to follow. For myself I just would never want to live with the result of not calling if it was serious.
My brother is suicidal and I will say when he makes an attempt he never warns anybody....just acts....I think threatening is most times manipulative but still I would choose to call in the police to deal with it.
Sorry you are having to deal with this!!
My brother is suicidal and I will say when he makes an attempt he never warns anybody....just acts....I think threatening is most times manipulative but still I would choose to call in the police to deal with it.
Sorry you are having to deal with this!!
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I have been through this with my AM. She tried to use it as a manipulation for awhile, but stopped after I told her I would call 911 for an assessment. She ended up attempting suicide last year, but did not tell any of us before hand. You don't have a crystal ball into their head, but at least you can ask the professionals for assistance. Even if they don't go to the psych facility, maybe some of the materials will help them in the future. At least they can maybe learn where to find help and what to do if they feel unsafe. If it is just manipulation on their part, then they most likely won't continue to threaten unless they are interested in seeing the paramedics.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 271
Clearly this is a common manipulation...last ditch effort to keep the Codie's in their web. The dilemma is what if this time....hence why this manipulation works so often and why they use it so often.
I agree call 911. You are unqualified to handle something of this magnitude.
Close family friend is a psych and he says the number of addicts that end up on the 72 hour suicide hold (in Cali) is 90% of the patient beds. Almost all of them are empty threats....but we aren't trained to know what's real or fake.
Sad thing is I use to fantasize about attempting suicide hoping then my XAB would see how much pain he is causing me. That's was the climax of my raging Codie behavior.
I agree call 911. You are unqualified to handle something of this magnitude.
Close family friend is a psych and he says the number of addicts that end up on the 72 hour suicide hold (in Cali) is 90% of the patient beds. Almost all of them are empty threats....but we aren't trained to know what's real or fake.
Sad thing is I use to fantasize about attempting suicide hoping then my XAB would see how much pain he is causing me. That's was the climax of my raging Codie behavior.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
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My AXGF pulled a horrific stunt last year, threatening suicide. She wouldn't answer her phone, wouldn't answer texts. I figured out where she was headed and had the police intercept her. It was, undoubtedly, one of the most horrific nights in my life.
Several months clear of that, I recognize what she did for what it was: manipulation of the highest sadistic order. She had been misbehaving all week, and I basically told her to take a hike until she smartened up. Her response? Threatening to jump off one of the highest bridges in the state.
I believe that when people talk of suicide, what they really want is to not be in pain anymore. Depression is a horrible illness, too. But there are people out there, like my AXGF, who are sadistic and selfish and will threaten suicide just to get them off the hook from behaving badly. If someone really wants to take their own life, they'll find a way to do it. But after my experiences with my AXGF, there is no way in hell I'll ever be held hostage like that again. Doesn't mean I want someone to take their own life. What it does mean is I can't take responsibility for that person's well-being. I have my own well-being to worry about, and that's a full time job.
Sleepwell, I will be thinking and praying for you, your husband, and your son tonight.
ZoSo
Several months clear of that, I recognize what she did for what it was: manipulation of the highest sadistic order. She had been misbehaving all week, and I basically told her to take a hike until she smartened up. Her response? Threatening to jump off one of the highest bridges in the state.
I believe that when people talk of suicide, what they really want is to not be in pain anymore. Depression is a horrible illness, too. But there are people out there, like my AXGF, who are sadistic and selfish and will threaten suicide just to get them off the hook from behaving badly. If someone really wants to take their own life, they'll find a way to do it. But after my experiences with my AXGF, there is no way in hell I'll ever be held hostage like that again. Doesn't mean I want someone to take their own life. What it does mean is I can't take responsibility for that person's well-being. I have my own well-being to worry about, and that's a full time job.
Sleepwell, I will be thinking and praying for you, your husband, and your son tonight.
ZoSo
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Location: Melbourne, Australia
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My husband and I took your advice today. My husband was speaking with our son toon the phone to see how he is and he went nuts at him and again threatened to kill himself. We didn't ring the police immediately (not sure why but the brain didn't kick in very quickly). My husband went to my parent's house only to find that my son had been destructive, again, and had punched a lot of holes in walls, doors, ceilings, etc. This type of destruction is what we've been getting used to.
I left work early, was on the mobile phone to my husband telling him to call the police and got pulled over for talking while driving. Of course the stress got the better of me, I started crying and asked the police to assist. Long story short, they followed me to my parent's house and put in a call for the operational police who finally arrived some hours later.
Anyway, while they were at the house my son was sneaking in the back door and they found him. After long conversations with him the divisional van took him to the psyche ward where they will assess him tonight. He indicated to the police that he wants help and again, said he's had enough and wants to kill himself.
I guess the positive right now is that he will be in the 'system', but of course the reality of it is that they will probably release him and we'll be back to square one.
Thank you for your words of encouragement to call the police. I believe it is the right thing to do now. I am grateful I got help and thank you all again for responsding with your words of advice. I am keeping my fingers crossed. And by the way, the police didn't give me a fine for using my mobile whilst driving. He said he didn't want to make my day any worse than what it was.
I left work early, was on the mobile phone to my husband telling him to call the police and got pulled over for talking while driving. Of course the stress got the better of me, I started crying and asked the police to assist. Long story short, they followed me to my parent's house and put in a call for the operational police who finally arrived some hours later.
Anyway, while they were at the house my son was sneaking in the back door and they found him. After long conversations with him the divisional van took him to the psyche ward where they will assess him tonight. He indicated to the police that he wants help and again, said he's had enough and wants to kill himself.
I guess the positive right now is that he will be in the 'system', but of course the reality of it is that they will probably release him and we'll be back to square one.
Thank you for your words of encouragement to call the police. I believe it is the right thing to do now. I am grateful I got help and thank you all again for responsding with your words of advice. I am keeping my fingers crossed. And by the way, the police didn't give me a fine for using my mobile whilst driving. He said he didn't want to make my day any worse than what it was.
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