steve1840

my ENTIRE life has been substituting one thing for another. when i was outside a relationship i had pot. i have not smoked in two years. i have been preoccupied with my gf for two years. i do not know how to live without either. been doing it back and for fora long time. i can easily live without weed and other drugs i played with. they never really filled me. i need to learn how to live without her.

steve1840

rita-

fortunately there is no drama or chaos. and that can stay that way so long as i allow it. right now there is some pain, but i guess i can eventually leave that behind too. its still new again. not even a full day.

Chino

I'm so glad you're owning that, for your sake.

zoso77

Steve,

I have my own thoughts on this. If you're interested, shoot me a PM.

Hang in there.

ZoSo

zoso77

Here's a story I don't often share...

Towards the end of my mentor's life, I learned that he was an alcoholic. I'd known him for 16 years, and this was the first I learned of it. Long story short, he and his wife moved to Palm Springs, where I'm assuming he started hitting the sauce again. I flew out there and brought him home. On the flight back, he said he was done with alcohol and he was going to get better.

Within days, he went on a vodka binge, fell, cut open his forearm, and had to go first to the ER and then to detox. It was then he was diagnosed with alcohol dementia. He died 8 months later.

I believed him when he said he wanted to stop drinking. And perhaps he wanted to. But addiction is serious business. When your GF is saying she's using her "tools", that immediately raises a red flag. You caught it, and so did your GF's sponsor. If your GF's not willing to make better choices for herself, then you seriously have to reconsider your investment in her. You can love her all you want, you can want the best for her, and it's not going to make a difference because she's going to do whatever she wants to do, for good or for ill.

Protect yourself, Steve. Trust me. I've been where you are with my AXGF, and the biggest mistake I made was staying with her when there was NO evidence she wanted to get better. I was in denial about her. My life is better without the poison she injected into my life on a daily basis. Doesn't mean I don't have my moments where I'm resentful, or I'm angry. It passes. Are you sure this is the person you want to invest in?

ZoSo

crazybabie

Steve, Please start and/or keep working on YOUR recovery as I was reading all the above post I got to thinking although you know how you have felt through all of this including before you came here. Have you thought about reading some of your old post?

What are your plan to keep on with your recovery?

What you said about the other girl concerns me...

IMO your placing most of the blame on the other girl instaed your (AGFs ) I say addicted because she is now active.
There is temptation everywhere your gf made the choice to leave and use.

lesliej

what I don't get is that I don't even see her as "your" gf??? you have lived hours apart for months and months...and from all the old posts it doesn't even seem like an active relationship...so ambiguous and strung along. yeah you can have some nebulous conversation about spiritual love, "like we all love each other man" true...but in reality...how can you even call her your "GF"??? I am concerned about this long drawn out fantasy. She's either been living with other guys or in treatment, not even in the same town, or on the same page.

does she call you her bf???

bluebelle

I remember you said that you found a meeting that you liked? That's good to hear.

My opinion on relapses? They happen. That's what addicts do. They use drugs. My ASD has had lots of relapses and rehabs. She knows the language of recovery. She knows what to say about getting clean. She has been to enough meetings and rehabs and she knows what to do. However, it is still down to her individual choice of whether or not she is going to use.

Codie relapses? You have a choice. That's the beautiful thing. You can choose to get off this rollercoaster ride at any time. You realize that you have substituted one addiction with another. That's a good step--realizing what you are doing. The next thing is that you have to do the work of recovery. Don't feel well? Do you pick up the phone to call her? Do you obsess about whether or not she is using drugs? Do you think about her recovery? Or, do you go outside for a walk? Do you think about your own recovery?

It's all about chocie. Any day, I have the choice to obsess about one of the addicts in my life, or I can take care of what I need to do for me. It's not easy. It's sometimes easier to fall back into old habits. However, the more you practice taking care of yourself, the easier it will get. I know from experience.

EnglishGarden

She is in love with the drug. She is in love. She eloped.

I'm sorry for your pain, Steve.

sevenofnine

Thank you anvilhead. This reminded me of my own promise to myself ten years ago. I will stop asking myself "when is too much and I should leave" because I actually already decided that if he stole again I would not forgive again a decade ago, I just have to be strong and stand by the boundary I set for myself.

EJG123

Steve- You've learned to detach better than when you first started posting here. Keep working on yourself.

CanfixONLYme

Hey Steve - reading your posts I started to re-live my own Codie-ness with my ex-ah... and I was exactly where you are right now ----- focused on the addict and trying to figure out the whys and having this CRAZY "energy" to "help" in anyway I could.

This cycle did not stop until I realized that he was my obsession... MY DRUG and I was virtually losing my mind, body (health) and soul.

He left in Nov and I kept posting here every once in a while ESP when he did something so asinine --- obsession about HIM turned to anger (for a long time) and back and forth tirades ---- oh man, I tried to make him see 'sense' (ha!) --- and then at the beginning of April I just simply disengaged completely. He didn't like that of course and emailed me
with threats of blackmail and twice actually showing up at the apt. I "talked" to him for a moment the first time but as soon as I felt he was trying to manipulate, I said goodbye and walked away (and called the police). Second time he showed up, I didn't engage at all and called the police who took him (back) to the psych ward.

It was a month of peaceful NC until last week when 2 emails came in. I'm like a damn cat and am too curious to not read these but I didn't respond!! Week goes by NC and he amps it up... Blackmail... I almost respond in anger but debrief with a friend who talks me 'off the ledge of Codie relapse' and I don't !!! Woo hoo!!! I did write a note but am keeping it for my divorce lawyer.

So what I'm saying is that I still believe that everyone has their own pace of Codie recovery -- but I also agree (as I've seen first hand) that we need to Focus on US --- period ----

I started to do that and 'feck' the detox is really painful but so awesome to come thru to the other side --- to NORMALACY and happiness for me!!

I have no idea where my ex is and I don't care anymore. He's very sick and I pray that he finds his way but that's basically the only mental effort I now waste on him.

I'm now focused on getting myself better. I 'get it' now!