cedars

I need advice concerning my newly sober husband. We have been married for almost 20 years. He is highly educated, extremely intelligent, charming, good looking and manipulative. He had smoked pot everyday for about 30 years and about 15 years ago began abusing Vicodin. I have also caught him shoplifting on a few occasions. About 3 years ago I found out he had been having an affair for 2 years, which I believe is one of many or at least a few. I filed for divorce with every intension of following through. BUT, I got smooth talked into giving it another shot. We went through a brief round of therapy, one of many, and he swore he was clean and I believed him...again About 6 months ago I realized he was still using (even though I knew that) but, it was much worse then I thought and he was still talking with the girl. In January I filled for divorce...again! He, I'm sure, didn't take me serous. About a month later I began an affair of my own, that in turn spurred him to go to rehab. He has been clean for 90 days. However, he continued to lie about meetings and his sponsor was useless. He was manipulating everyone again. I continued to see this other person and that was all he could focus on, turning it around on me. That in itself feels like an addiction, because he was so consumed by it. He has now thrown me another bone by telling me how he knows he's not doing AA the right way and that he has been lying to me. He has a new sponsor too. Now, the reason for my post... My therapist and a few other close friends remind me that recovery is a process, this I know. I do believe he wants to recover, but I feel like he's doing it mostly for me and the more I pull away the harder he tries to prove to me he's doing the right thing. But, perhaps the most disturbing part is the way he lies, and I know addicts lie, but his lies are, and I can't explain it exactly, but maybe more pathological. I've been beaten down pretty bad and manupulatied so much I don't know anymore whats up or whats down. We also have two kids 12 and 15 that I have to consider. My gut is to leave, run, get out while the gettins sill good, but yet another side says to give it one more try to save my family and the chance at an honest sober life. I am damaged and heartbroken and I am at the verge of losing any shred of self-resect I have left. My daily functioning is seriously impaired. I realize nobody can tell me what to do. I just thought that if any of you had any thoughts or suggestions from past experiences or things you have learned along the way you could share it with me and shine some light on an otherwise dark dreary self image of my future, thank you.

Boilercard

I've been in a off and on relationship with a beautiful, educated Pill addict for four years. After a certain amount of time, drugs change their brain, and I don't believe they are ever the same again. I wish that I could count the times that she promised that she would never use again, and that I would regain her trust. Be she let me down, again and again and again. I can't take the pain anymore. She leaves, tells lies, and begs for forgiveness. She is very convincing, but she's done nothing, except cause me pain and anguish. I didn't marry her, and we have no children together, so my case is a little easier. I don't know why I love her so much, but I do. But it's time to say good bye, forever. I can't do it anymore

story74

In my humble opinion, get out. It sounds so unhealthy. He cheated. Multiple times. He lied. Multiple times. That's not a marriage.

Good luck. You deserve someone who treats you with respect. Also, those kids need a good role model.

dollydo

My suggestion is to do what is best for your children. Living in the home of an addict is very determental to your children. They deserve so much better.

Trust your gut, the answer is there.

teke

hey, i say keep the focus on you and what you need to do to make life better for yourself. you and your family are in my prayers

BeavsDad

"We also have two kids 12 and 15 that I have to consider."

Assuming that they have been with you; No matter how well you believe they may have been shielded from the drug/emotional abuse and the tit-for-tat cheating, they most likely have been negatively affected.

They are about the age where it will start showing up if it hasn't already.

I hope you can summon up the strength to be their one strong parent as they close in on adulthood. You have led by example. Try leading by good example.

I wish you luck in the difficult days ahead.

CodieBird

My children were grown when I met my ABF. I've spent 4 years being manipulated, lied to and treated very unkindly. Only in the past 9 months have I become insistent that he take action about his drinking. He admits he needs to, but, but, but...

People that spend years cultivating and developing their addictions don't get healed or cured overnight. I've told my ABF that he must stop drinking and stay in recovery/A.A. for a year before we can even consider building a healthy new relationship, much less living together. The old one we shared is over. Forever.

I'm busy with my own recovery. I want to know how I let myself get trapped in and addicted to such a nightmare and am doing my best to make sure I never go there again. Isn't that your job too, rather than playing ping-pong with someone who has not demonstrated a serious commitment to his own recovery?

Do what's best for you and the teens. Living in a constant swirl of lies, omissions and manipulations is not good for anyone.

Best wishes!

EnglishGarden

I encourage to rebuild yourself in celibacy, no relationship with anyone, for at least a couple of years. Who you are has been lost in reactions to the addict and in escape into an affair, and who you are is the core of your future. If you do not find her, rebuild her, let her stand on her own two feet apart from any influences from any man's expectations, then I fear you will not do well in any union. I think you would just spin.

I think it would be possible to obtain a legal separation, attend individual counseling, and put the marriage and the affair businesses all on hold. The two years you commit to your own recovery--completely solo-- could have dramatic effects on your future serenity.

cedars

Thank you all for your thoughts. It's very true that I need to heal from the emotional torment and do the right thing for my children.
Thank you for the honesty. Do any of you think that someone who can lie that easily will ever be able to stop? Is trying to save this relationship and family useless?

EnglishGarden

Actually, I feel so bad for you, re-reading your post. I am so concerned for your well-being that I think anyone who encourages you to stay with him right now is simply not protecting you in your very vulnerable, wounded, frail state. He has had so much power over you and you have lost so much inner strength in defending yourself against the pain he has inflicted upon you for years.

So I do not want to give you hope about your marriage because I don't want this addict to damage you further. Your voice is as if you are calling from the bottom of a deep well. You need HEALING.....And you will not receive that if you live with or stay closely involved with a drug addict who has been high for 15 years and has 90 days clean.

Be safe. That is what your family, your daughters, need from you. They need you to be safe and to survive. He is absolutely unsafe.

dollydo

As a child, living in the home of alcoholics, I wanted nothing more than to live with one responsible, loving parent rather than be trapped in the h#ll of addictive behavior. Children choose love and protection over what many parents deem to be living the family life.

Addiction causes an anti social enviorment, one that especially affects children. Children suffer in silence.

Be their voice...do the right thing for them.

Kindeyes

I have a wonderful list of life rules hanging on my refrigerator. It's life rules according to an old farmer and they are priceless. One of his rules is:

When you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is to STOP DIGGING.

I think if you look....and there is dirt no matter where you look....you're in a hole. I've been in a hole like that and for some reason, the insane logic told me to keep digging because I might come out on the other side. But I didn't know "on the other side" of what.

Step One in NarAnon states:

We admitted that we are powerless over the addict and OUR lives had become unmanageable.

My life had certainly become unmanageable and I was trying to control everything.......except for myself. That first step was a life line for me. Just admitting to myself that I was spinning as far out of control as the addict in my life.....it was a crucial turning point. I began to seek help for ME.

Most addicts lie....and do it with an ease that is incomprehensible to most people. But I was lying for a very long time too. The difference? I was lying to myself.

Perhaps you're ready to begin your own recovery and healing?

gentle hugs
ke

tomsteve

recovering alcoholic here. the best move any woman i was with when i was a practicing alcoholic/ addict was to walk away from me.