Windmills

Feels like being stabbed in the eye. Today is officially day 1, although I went extremely limited contact for 10 days prior to today in preparation.
I am sick and twisted, why do I love a man who did all these awful things to me? I don't mean his addiction, I mean violence, rape, lying about me to everyone I know, keeping me locked up, refusing to give me money for food or pay any bills.. etc. I still love him. For my safety and that of my daughter, we cannot be around him. I feel like I'm starting to let the last strings tying me to the fantasy go. I know the reality of the situation. I wish it wasn't the case, but wishing doesn't make it so.
Yesterday he received a letter from my lawyer. Basically telli g him that due to his behaviour, I will no longer be supervising contact between him and our daughter, and the onerous is on him to make alternative arrangements and have them approved by social services. It also told him not to contact me or else I will pursue further legal action.
Logiclally, I KNOW I did the right thing. I know I did. Emotionally though it's a different story. My heart hurts. I can't explain it.. Logically this makes no sense, my heart is stupid. I wish my feelings could catch up with my thoughts.
He called last night and launched a tirade of verbal abuse, combined with playing the victim because his sister was with him. I then received several unpleasant texts from his sister. It was like being stamped on repeatedly.. Pretty much the same tag team they used to be before I left him.
And my daughter is sick so she won't sleep, I've been up 15 hours and it's only 7pm here.. Exhaustion makes everything worse I guess.
Blegh. I'm all over the place tonight!

Vale

You are brave,Windmills.But you ARE doing the right thing.
Trust me---we ALL know how hard it is...perhaps the hardest
thing we've ever done......

(But SOOOOOOO worth doing!!!)

Vale,
No contact almost 5 mos

suki44883

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Have you considered seeing a therapist to work through the issues that cause you to still want a person who abuses you so much? I am guessing that you still allow phone contact because you share a child. Please know that you can always hang up the phone if he starts becoming beligerant and you do not have to deal with his sister's texts in any way whatsoever. When they realize that you refuse to be bullied and abused any further, they will have to find another source of amusement.

Chino

I won't pretend to know what you're experiencing, since none of my qualifiers have been a spouse. I know it's a different dynamic. I do know that it will get better. It seems the first few days are the hardest, but your courage, strength and resolve will grow with each moment that passes.

Sending you bunches of hugs and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers

EnglishGarden

When people bond to their abusers, it is called traumatic bonding. Do you know anything about that, Windmills? Maybe you do already. It is what happens to battered wives.

The husband beats the wife down emotionally and/or physically through tactics of verbal assault, physical assault, extreme control of her movements and choices, he isolates her, and breaks her spirit in half.

Then, there will be brief times when he is actually nice to her. Sweet, maybe. Warm. So warm. And she is so grateful to him for not hurting her that she actually floods with love for him. She is so tragically grateful to him, that her heart bonds to him. He is not beating her in any way and she adores him for the reprieve.

It is a form of brainwashing. Of mind control the abuser works on his victim.

You don't want to believe your husband is that man. The truth is too hard for you to bear right now. So little by little, you are allowing your image of him to change.

If you can only accept for right now that you are a victim of domestic violence, and accept that as such you are not strong and rational and able to protect yourself, and place yourself in the hands of a counselor or a trusted family member who counsels you what you should do, and do what that person tells you, you will be protecting your child. Even if you are willing to die for this man, I know you do not want your child to suffer.

I am so sorry for your devastating situation. Please stay with us.

Windmills

Suki I have cut contact today, including phone contact! yesterday was the day the letter landed and I knew it would be crazy, I actually had several anxiety attacks in the run up which I haven't had since just after I left him. I am using the services of a domestic violence project, I am on courses about domestic abuse, I am on 2 counselling waiting lists (a rape crisis centre and a domestic violence counsellor), I have friends from FA who have been where I am, I have a DV support worker.. I go to meetings, I'm on a self esteem course.. I'm doing everything I can think of, and I am making progress, it's just I wish he would be abducted by aliens instead. I know I'm not a complete twisted psycho because I'm lucky to know some amazing, supportive women who can reassure me that I'm normal and everyone has to grieve.
I know the NC is easier because it's necessary- if I filed an injunction on him and it turned out id been making contact, I wouldnt have a leg to stand on. I kind of feel like I wasn't ready- but I would never have been ready, this is just ripping the plaster off I guess.

Windmills

Thank you EnglishGarden. That sounds pretty much exactly right. I am going to go and read up on that now
I am very lucky to have several amazing women who I can call on any time for guidance, I don't trust myself or my judgement so I tend to sound things out with someone else and listen to their advice rather than doing my own thing. I'd be dead, or close, by now if I hadn't found FA. In addition to the abuse from my ex, I seriously believed the world would be a better place if I wasn't here. I even thought my daughter would be better off being cared for by other family members. I'm so glad I'm not there any more, I can see the light again now and I never want to live days as dark as the past 3.5 years ever again. I'm grateful to be out, I just wish my heart would catch up to my head.

suki44883

Oh wow!

Windmills, I hope you won't allow anyone to make you feel like you are IN ANY WAY to blame for the awful things your husband did to you. It sounds to me like you are doing all the right things, but it is going to take time for you to resolve some issues. Please know that we are here for you and you are encouraged to post whenever you feel the need. We will support you in any way we can.

Windmills

I feel sick. I don't think I can post here anymore.
Abidebylaw, I have been up so long because I have a sick toddler who won't sleep. I am not working right now, I have come out of a 3.5 year abusive relationship and surprisingly that takes a toll on your life. I pay my bills thanks. I don't feel I am to blame for being abused by an addict. I do not have a criminal history, up until 2 years ago I worked for the UK civil service.
I don't mean I'm literally all over the place, or that I'm literally sick and twisted. I'm actually really really upset by your statements, almost on the verge of tears actually. It takes an awful lot of courage and effort for me to be open about my experiences and to have someone tell me I'm lying and should look at myself is extremely hurtful.
I hope you never have to understand the real mpact of your post. People like you are part of the reason battered women struggle to get their voice heard.

suki44883

Please don't leave this forum just because of one misguided poster. You have received some good and valuable support from everyone else. You are tired right now and you need sleep. Please don't make any decisions right now. We will be here for you, Windmills.

Also, please know that we have an ignore function and you can place any poster on that list if you do not want to read their posts. Just click on their name, go down to the link to add this person to your ignore list and click on that. I hope you will get some rest and come back a little more clear headed and much less tired and upset.

Windmills

I struggle in real life with people who say 'he isn't like that, he would never do that'. Fear of what others will say is what has stopped me going to court up to now.
I love the support of this forum but I need to bear in mind that it's very very public. Not everyone has life experience like mine- some are in fact perpetrators. I struggle a lot with breaking my silence, so ABL's post is kind of a kick in the teeth.
Can I point out, ABL, that the bit of my post you picked out about being locked up? I don't mean in a cupboard or a cage, I mean being a prisoner in my own home because he would take my keys away and leave me locked in with the baby. It's actually kind of common in abusive men I'm told.

laurie6781

(((((ABIDEBYLAW)))))

Please before posting as you did, go and read other posts by the original poster to get the 'history' of what is going on.

First of all you were WAY OUT OF LINE. Second of all, the OP is in England not here in the states where the laws are just as different there as they are here state by state. Third of all, throwing out 'zingers' like you just did is of no help to anyone, yourself included.

J M H O

((((((((Windmills))))))))

Please put that poster on IGNORE and do not leave this site. You are doing everything you can to rectify 3 1/2 years of domestic violence and mental abuse, and it is one heck of a job you are doing.

Please do not read the messages, but save them as proof of being harassed and help in getting a restraining order (or whatever they are called in the UK).

We are here for you, please do not let one poster send you away. You are very overtired right now, being a single mom with a sick child so are extremely sensitive to what is said.

Know that WE DO CARE, I/we do NOT think you are crazy, etc and remember we are with you in spirit at all times.

Lots of love and bunches of hugs,

yez5

You are an incredibly strong and wonderful woman Windmills. I know that the advice you have given me has helped me in many ways. From one exhausted mother to another, please do not give up on this wonderful forum. It is a great outlet for you when you need it the most. There will always be the occasional negative person in your life. All you have to do is switch the volume buton on OFF. Please be strong and safe and do what you must to bring peace into your life and your childs. I am thinking and praying for you.

Chino

Windmills, I don't know about you, but I hate it when people skim posts, and badly. It reminds me too much of real life when someone interrupts, doesn't care enough to listen. At least I'm hoping that's behind the ugliness.

I never feared what others said until I experienced nasty attacks. It took me a while to learn to turn the damn mirror back on others. Sometimes I pretend they're monkeys behind the glass wall, slinging poo at the windows and each other.

Windmills

Thank you all for your support, I'm very grateful.

SuzyMarie

These boards should be a safe haven where one can share openly and honestly without being judged. It is one thing to provoke someone to look at their situation in a different light but I think a line was crossed here Please don't stop posting Windmills...you need us now, more than ever. Hugs to you.

EJG123

Windmills- I'm so sorry that you are suffering so much but I know you'll get through this. HUgs.

Morning Glory

ABIDEBYLAW is now blocked from this thread so please continue to post.

Vale

Thank You Morning Glory!

I was about to write a VERY NASTY note exposing a series of
hurtful and hateful posts whose author will remain nameless.
Posts that run counter to the supportive,uplifting mission of SR.

Continue to post,Windmills.We will continue to listen,care,and perhaps
share things that might be able to help you.

What we WILL NOT DO is add to your burden by attacking you,hurting
you,or making you EVER feel you are unwelcome here.

That is the job of the cowards,the vicious,and the mean.

(People best ignored.)

SR is a garden,we sow,we reap.And sometimes,dispassionately,we
have to weed.

What poetic justice this was Morning Glory's ten thousandth and first post!

:ghug3 (hugs,Windmills)

Vale

(forgot to add)

Operational Note:
1. Locate blue bar on SR Forums page
2.Far left is "User CP" (control panel
3.Select User CP
4.Select "Edit Options"
5.Select "Edit ignore list"

---Place names of those you wish to enter. At that point any
bile,hate,or hurtful messages were simply a waste of said posters
keystrokes.....their messages for all intents and purposes simply
cease to exist.Beauty of the internet---I will never have to read
another post from _________ ever again.

(and neither do you)