How is no contact possible for some people?
Getting there!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
How is no contact possible for some people?
How can there be no contact when there are kids, bills and decisions to be made?
How long is no contact advised?? Not everyone can afford to say "have your lawyer call mine!"
If I need to move, what do I do with his things? I am told selling marital assets can be a real problem later on.
How do you dissolve years of being together and things accumulated all by yourself??
I can see when all this is resolved and a divorce is final, no contact is a must...but I can't see how, for me, it's possible before!
How long is no contact advised?? Not everyone can afford to say "have your lawyer call mine!"
If I need to move, what do I do with his things? I am told selling marital assets can be a real problem later on.
How do you dissolve years of being together and things accumulated all by yourself??
I can see when all this is resolved and a divorce is final, no contact is a must...but I can't see how, for me, it's possible before!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
I'm lucky I guess, I am in the UK so I get my legal fees paid. With regards to our child, I tried and tried to supervise contact myself but eventually found it too emotionally and mentally difficult due to his erratic behaviour and verbal abuse. I finally snapped and today he received a letter from my lawyer to inform him that I won't be supervising anymore, and if he continues to contact me I will be filing an injunction. He didn't take it well.
I kind of threw myself head first into no contact and I'm not sure I was ready, tomorrow will be day 1 and it's SCARY. I am grateful to be in a situation where this is possible though. We didn't own any property and our tenancy was voided months ago by social services. I can handle the debts myself, small price to pay for escaping with my sanity intact.
I kind of threw myself head first into no contact and I'm not sure I was ready, tomorrow will be day 1 and it's SCARY. I am grateful to be in a situation where this is possible though. We didn't own any property and our tenancy was voided months ago by social services. I can handle the debts myself, small price to pay for escaping with my sanity intact.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
My AXH moved out while I was at work, he took with him what he wanted, I tried to contact him regarding bills, the rest of his stuff, bank accounts, assets, children etc.
He would not contact me or answered his phone, except once that I stopped by his new place to talk to him because he was not contacting me. He did say call my attorney...I said Who is YOUR attorney...a month later I got served, he was awful that way, how he could do that...after 17 years of marriage.
Somehow he did it, it was possible. Even at court he never even look at me. That was his biggest and final control over me (and abuse).
It is over now and all behind me, I did not die, I survive and the funny thing is that my life is SOOOO MUCH BETTER.
ESH, yes, you can go NC, it is possible or just like Anvil says only when absolutely necessary.
Good luck to you, you will survive. My prayers are with you.
He would not contact me or answered his phone, except once that I stopped by his new place to talk to him because he was not contacting me. He did say call my attorney...I said Who is YOUR attorney...a month later I got served, he was awful that way, how he could do that...after 17 years of marriage.
Somehow he did it, it was possible. Even at court he never even look at me. That was his biggest and final control over me (and abuse).
It is over now and all behind me, I did not die, I survive and the funny thing is that my life is SOOOO MUCH BETTER.
ESH, yes, you can go NC, it is possible or just like Anvil says only when absolutely necessary.
Good luck to you, you will survive. My prayers are with you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 24
Have you already seen a lawyer? Depending on your location, the laws are very different. I spent $100 for a 45 minute consult with a lawyer and went with a list of questions. It was worth it to figure out exactly what I can and cannot do. I found out that in North Carolina, without a legal separation agreement, he can come and take our 1 vehicle any time even though it's only in my name. Likewise I can take it back from him. Of course I can immediately go to court and get it that way but that costs money. I can sell any property I want and he can do the same. I can get an injunction preventing him from selling anything until the divorce is final (requires lawyer) or we can split up property in the separation agreement. NC is an equitable distribution state where you total up the assets and split them in half in the divorce unless it would make it unfair (like they won't make me sell our vehicle to split the money because I'd need it for the kids).
I suggest to try and look at things objectively. Try to make the split fair. Put yourself in his position and think if you would be happy with what you received. For stuff that is clearly his (like clothes), I would box them up. If you have to move, put them in a storage unit under his name and pay the first month's rent (many places give the first month for free). Mail or hand him the keys and information and let him know when the next month's rent is due. If he fails to pick up his stuff or doesn't pay the rent then it's out of your hands.
Documentation is key!! Communication in writing is better than telling him something. Send all letters certified (whatever way makes him sign for it) or an email that lets you know when it's been read. Take inventory of everything you own now and its approximate value (and pictures of the most valuable stuff/anything that's currently damaged). If you sell something, keep track of how much you got - you might owe him half later. I don't know if you watch Judge Judy or any of those court shows, but before you do anything, think of what you might need in court one day. It's better to be overprepared than to not have proof against crazy claims from him.
I have accumulated a lot of stuff over they years and it's hard to let go of it, but when I was getting ready to move to my dad's I started looking at what was absolutely essential. If you were moving to a 1 bedroom apartment, what would you need there? What is the minimum you need to get by until you can afford to buy more? You want to get the most value for the space - a lot furniture you can buy cheaply on craigslist or at yard sales (or on Freecycle) wherever you move to. Cheap plastic chairs work until you get a couch. An air mattress works until you can afford a bed.
You can take that inventory list and prioritize what you HAVE to have with you (like stuff for the kids) and what you'd LIKE to have. Think about what your husband would fight the most for and anticipate what you would be willing to give up if necessary. If you have to move and he's not cooperating, take what you want with you, sell what you can (knowing you might have to give him half of the money), and put everything else that belongs to both of you in a separate storage unit and keep the key (still do a separate unit for his own stuff and give him that key so he can't complain you're keeping his stuff from him).
As far as no contact goes, I would give things some time to calm down and try to talk to him about the kids/separating everything. Hopefully he will eventually see reason and understand that it's best for the kids if you can be civil and cooperate as far as they're concerned. I agree with Anvil - keep it all business when you do have to contact him. Legal fees are much cheaper when you can both agree, hopefully he will see that too.
Good luck, lots of hugs.
I suggest to try and look at things objectively. Try to make the split fair. Put yourself in his position and think if you would be happy with what you received. For stuff that is clearly his (like clothes), I would box them up. If you have to move, put them in a storage unit under his name and pay the first month's rent (many places give the first month for free). Mail or hand him the keys and information and let him know when the next month's rent is due. If he fails to pick up his stuff or doesn't pay the rent then it's out of your hands.
Documentation is key!! Communication in writing is better than telling him something. Send all letters certified (whatever way makes him sign for it) or an email that lets you know when it's been read. Take inventory of everything you own now and its approximate value (and pictures of the most valuable stuff/anything that's currently damaged). If you sell something, keep track of how much you got - you might owe him half later. I don't know if you watch Judge Judy or any of those court shows, but before you do anything, think of what you might need in court one day. It's better to be overprepared than to not have proof against crazy claims from him.
I have accumulated a lot of stuff over they years and it's hard to let go of it, but when I was getting ready to move to my dad's I started looking at what was absolutely essential. If you were moving to a 1 bedroom apartment, what would you need there? What is the minimum you need to get by until you can afford to buy more? You want to get the most value for the space - a lot furniture you can buy cheaply on craigslist or at yard sales (or on Freecycle) wherever you move to. Cheap plastic chairs work until you get a couch. An air mattress works until you can afford a bed.
You can take that inventory list and prioritize what you HAVE to have with you (like stuff for the kids) and what you'd LIKE to have. Think about what your husband would fight the most for and anticipate what you would be willing to give up if necessary. If you have to move and he's not cooperating, take what you want with you, sell what you can (knowing you might have to give him half of the money), and put everything else that belongs to both of you in a separate storage unit and keep the key (still do a separate unit for his own stuff and give him that key so he can't complain you're keeping his stuff from him).
As far as no contact goes, I would give things some time to calm down and try to talk to him about the kids/separating everything. Hopefully he will eventually see reason and understand that it's best for the kids if you can be civil and cooperate as far as they're concerned. I agree with Anvil - keep it all business when you do have to contact him. Legal fees are much cheaper when you can both agree, hopefully he will see that too.
Good luck, lots of hugs.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
"How do you dissolve years of being together and things accumulated all by yourself?? "
My husband died, we had lived together for over 25 years..I did what I had to do, doing the difficult things are what challenge one to become independent and self sufficent.
As for his "stuff" he will take what he wants, if he leaves anything, that is his choice.
Communication...only as required...
IMHO, you are overthinking this entire issue, and attempting to find reasons why it just wouldn't work to go no contact., and move forward with your life.
My husband died, we had lived together for over 25 years..I did what I had to do, doing the difficult things are what challenge one to become independent and self sufficent.
As for his "stuff" he will take what he wants, if he leaves anything, that is his choice.
Communication...only as required...
IMHO, you are overthinking this entire issue, and attempting to find reasons why it just wouldn't work to go no contact., and move forward with your life.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: PM me....
Posts: 468
Love me not.....
I'm in a similar situation....over 20+ yrs of marriage 25+ yrs of being together. Only....my husband is still in the house.
I have taken pictures of everything and downloaded onto my external hard drive.
The hard drive is small and I unplug it and take it with me in my purse when I leave the house. I have a decoy that is identical that I plug in...in it's place. It's totally blank if he decides he wants to download it to his computer.
I'm not happy that I feel like I have to do this...but, I'm also not happy that my husband is popping Vicodin's either. His addiction is progressing. Everything is now out in the open...again.
My computer is password protected....as is my phone.
Same thing with receipts, bills, etc. I scan them to my external hard drive and then I shred the papers.
I've taken all of my jewelry and placed it in a safe deposit box at the bank in my name and my mom's name. Other important papers are there too.
I have most of my things boxed up and stacked up in my closet. The rest is just toiletries and clothes I need on a day in day out basis.
I have basically narrowed it down to....if he wants to go thru the house when I'm not here, he can't get anything of extreme value, or anything to use against me for some huge crazy claim in court later.
Even tho your husband is not in the house right now....you should consider that he probably could push the issue of coming back and there might not be anything you can do about it (?)....other than to move out yourself...then you would need to do some of these things anyway...right?
Things that cannot be replaced are valuables, jewelry..money...etc. And pictures.
These are the things I made sure were protected. The rest is just furniture, clothes etc.
I hope this helps in some small way. Believe me, I know...it's a huge mountain to conquer.
I'm in a similar situation....over 20+ yrs of marriage 25+ yrs of being together. Only....my husband is still in the house.
I have taken pictures of everything and downloaded onto my external hard drive.
The hard drive is small and I unplug it and take it with me in my purse when I leave the house. I have a decoy that is identical that I plug in...in it's place. It's totally blank if he decides he wants to download it to his computer.
I'm not happy that I feel like I have to do this...but, I'm also not happy that my husband is popping Vicodin's either. His addiction is progressing. Everything is now out in the open...again.
My computer is password protected....as is my phone.
Same thing with receipts, bills, etc. I scan them to my external hard drive and then I shred the papers.
I've taken all of my jewelry and placed it in a safe deposit box at the bank in my name and my mom's name. Other important papers are there too.
I have most of my things boxed up and stacked up in my closet. The rest is just toiletries and clothes I need on a day in day out basis.
I have basically narrowed it down to....if he wants to go thru the house when I'm not here, he can't get anything of extreme value, or anything to use against me for some huge crazy claim in court later.
Even tho your husband is not in the house right now....you should consider that he probably could push the issue of coming back and there might not be anything you can do about it (?)....other than to move out yourself...then you would need to do some of these things anyway...right?
Things that cannot be replaced are valuables, jewelry..money...etc. And pictures.
These are the things I made sure were protected. The rest is just furniture, clothes etc.
I hope this helps in some small way. Believe me, I know...it's a huge mountain to conquer.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I found that when I had to have contact, text or email was better. That way I could read when and what I wanted and take my time to respond...non-emotionally. I'm not one that wears my phone on my hip at all times.
It took a lot of self-discipline. But eventually it got easier.
It took a lot of self-discipline. But eventually it got easier.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by LoveMeNot 
How can there be no contact when there are kids, bills and decisions to be made?
How long is no contact advised?? Not everyone can afford to say "have your lawyer call mine!"
If I need to move, what do I do with his things? I am told selling marital assets can be a real problem later on.
How do you dissolve years of being together and things accumulated all by yourself??
I can see when all this is resolved and a divorce is final, no contact is a must...but I can't see how, for me, it's possible before!
How long is no contact advised?? Not everyone can afford to say "have your lawyer call mine!"
If I need to move, what do I do with his things? I am told selling marital assets can be a real problem later on.
How do you dissolve years of being together and things accumulated all by yourself??
I can see when all this is resolved and a divorce is final, no contact is a must...but I can't see how, for me, it's possible before!
I think, at the end of the day, you have to set boundaries for yourself in order for you to feel safe. You decide what you're going to discuss, for how long, and then when you're done talking, you're done talking. And that's it. It's not going to be easy. It's going to be incredibly uncomfortable. But it's something that you'll have to face and something that you'll have to practice a little bit at a time. And when you do set a boundary and maintain it, please give yourself credit for that. That's how self-confidence builds: protecting yourself, setting your boundaries, and walking the walk.
As for the material possessions, I'm not a lawyer...
Boundaries. That starts with you. You can do it.
ZoSo
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
Everything happened fast, and I was pretty much blindsided. My xah abandoned us. Just left. Wouldn't take calls or respond to anything. He defaulted on the divorce and called me (finally) 4 days before our divorce hearing asking so sweetly if we could mediate...lol! Manipulative! I hadn't heard from him in months and he had given me no money...I was a stay at home mom. My parents supported me. Anyways, being still in love at the time, the day after the divorce he wanted back into my sons life. I, being hopeful he would come back to us, let him in. I set up boundries. He broke those boundries within a month. He came back into our lives with no apology or explanation. I begged him to change (all the codie stuff). I was mean. I was nice. He was always a disappointment. With every disappointment and lie, I grew further away from him. I began to realize there was no rationalizing with him. He twisted everything and took no responsibili8ty for anything, but wanted what he wanted. My son didn't want to talk to him on the phone. So he finally stopped calling. He never called to see how I was or about bills. I just took care of everything and put everything in my name. He has seen his son 18 times in a year. It has been painful and confusing, but I'm in a good place now. I am no longer in love with him. I realize he is an addict and this is my life...he is inconsistant and untrustworthy. We see him 1 time a week for supervised visits and that's that. He knows nothing about my life or my sons life. He just plays with him. He never calls to ask me how my son is. Its peaceful. I have bad days, but the emotional drama and roller coaster has slowed. Some weeks he shows. Some weeks he doesn't. I put no effort. Into him. He is just a disappointment. No contact is the best. We are at as close to no contact as we can get. Like I said there is no rationalizing with an addict and all the cause is disappointment and hurt. It hasn't been easy and I still have my bad days, but I am happy. I love my life. I don't need him to make me happy. I realized he can't give me what I or my son needs. You go through all this thinking its normal and questioning yourself because they lie so well, but in reality this is far from normal. You don't do this to your family and you don't hurt people like this. Its far from normal! 
be strong and work on you. Being sober and being in recovery take a long time. they have a lot to prove.
be strong and work on you. Being sober and being in recovery take a long time. they have a lot to prove.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
"Like I said there is no rationalizing with an addict and all they cause is disappointment and hurt. It hasn't been easy and I still have my bad days, but I am happy. I love my life. I don't need him to make me happy. I realized he can't give me what I or my son needs. You go through all this thinking its normal and questioning yourself because they lie so well, but in reality this is far from normal. You don't do this to your family and you don't hurt people like this. Its far from normal!"
(I think we have a winner for the SR quote of the month!!!!)
(I think we have a winner for the SR quote of the month!!!!)
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