gandr002

My ad is 26 we have been doing the rehab thing since she was 20. Currently she is back in detox from IV OxyContin use, she just found out she is preg. After thinking she could not get preg due to other health issues. On top of all these issues she is hep c. Her bf has also gone to detox.
Over the years I have attempted to be less enabling but I sometimes get torn about "the line". Like everyone on this site we want ou loved one to be fictional and happy.
On this admission she says she has more than herself to be clean for, she has what sounds like a good established plan and seems to know where her relapses start.
My question is, can I assist with things that I would even if drugs where not involved or just because of the drugs do I have to change? She is an only child and I guess in my mind she gets everything when I die why not help her while I am alive. For example she lives in a house I own because it brings me peace of mind that she does not have to live in the street. Even in her worst states she has always kept the house clean and cared for. I do not give her money and I dont purchase anything of value . She got a ticket the day before going to detox
Can I pay it? Obviously when she gets out she won't have the money and if her license gets suspended that will just cost more so why can't I help when she is trying?
It is all so hard!

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR.......I see that this is your first post......I hope you find support and answers here.

There is no exact science in dealing with addiction. The folks here will share their experience, strength and hope. No one can tell you what you should or should not do. Ultimately, that is up to you.

Drug addiction presents a challenge in any relationship. Hopefully, now that there is another helpless human being involved, your daughter will address her issues and remain clean and sober. However, there are many many many on this board who have seen their sons or daughters have children and continue on the downward spiral of addiction. It becomes particularly heartbreaking.

Ask yourself this question...

Am I doing for my daughter what she can and should be doing for herself?

You, your daughter, and your unborn grandchild will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

Ann

I am the mother of an addict also, so please know that many here share your pain.

My son is the addict in my life and "helping" him only bought him his drugs and gave him a soft place to land. Nothing I did or didn't do made any difference in whether he cleaned up or not, and in the end I had to let go entirely or go down with him.

That said, if it was my daughter and she was pregnant, I might stand by her while she tried to clean up. I agree with what was said above, do not do for her what she should do for herself. Let your instinct lead you....if it feels right to you and isn't a personal sacrifice on your part, then it's probably okay. If you do it out of guilt or shame or in an effort to make her change, it is probably futile.

Take a good read around and maybe learn more about how it is as time progresses with addiction.

Glad you joined us, hope you'll stay a while.

Hugs

Justfor1

A ticket? Was it for driving under the influence of narcotics? If so, no you should not pay it.

outtolunch

Back when, my daughter was in active heroin addiction she knew a guy in his 40's who had been "helped" by his parents. He had a paid in full house. His trust fund paid the property taxes and utilities and gave him a monthly stipend which went into his drug of choice. This guy had never been employed and never even had a driver's license. He always had room for one more homeless addict on his floor and was never short on getting anyone to do his bidding. It was not clear if he ever left his house.

He died a few years ago as a result of an OD. It was weeks before anyone made an anonymous call to the Police. I guess the stench eventually became too much for his house guests to bear.

This guy had no reason to ever consider anything beyond the life enabled by his parents, even from their graves. It was a wake up call for me.

kmangel

When my son first came home from rehab, being naive to believe he would want what I wanted him to want, I wanted to help him in any way I could. He's had medical situations come up and it was my first thought to help him out with the expenses (he had no insurance, no job). I did pay some expenses but it wasn't long before I realized I must stop handing over money to someone who wont help himself. It wasn't until he moved out of my home did I see some effort on his part.

At home he was never going to become responsible. He is now working. Still no insurance to help cover expenses should he get sick, but that's his problem, not mine. He's got thousands of dollars to repay (from his drug use years and more recent months). Perhaps if I saw some longer term serious effort on his part (he's only been working a month) I would help him out--maybe not. What I have found that really helps is the less I know about his situation the better. When he lived at home I was way too close to all his problems.

Your daughter is certainly in a complicated place in her life right now. Lots for her to think through and work on. Just make sure she's doing the work--not you. It's so easy for us parents to do all the research and thinking for our kids.

As is often the case no matter if a person is an addict or just a lazy adult, we parents too often bail out our adult children. It's up to us to figure out what is helping and what is enabling our perfectly capable children.

BeavsDad

If you've been reading here since Oct 2009 you probably should know the answers to your questions.
If you had asked previously about paying her rent for your "peace of mind" the answers would have been the same.
Your situation is not unique.
She isn't in recovery, she's in detox (again). She's just carrying a child that you may end up having to raise.
You are right, it is hard. Good luck in your choices.

Chino

I've thought about your post since yesterday, asked myself what would I do, and think I've come up with a creative solution. Since your daughter can't but should pay for her own ticket on time to avoid a worse consequence, and you want to help her avoid that, how about asking her which belongings of hers she wants pawned to cover the cost? Then it's up to her to get a job to get them back, when she gets out.

gandr002

Thanks for responding, I did not think my situation is unique which is why I decided to post. I just wanted to hear from others so I could get out of my own head!

gandr002

Chino that is a good idea, thanks that is what I am going to do.

gandr002

Just for one, the ticket was for following to closely.

KelleyF

Hi Gander,*

I wanted to share part of my fiancé story with you because it is similar I think. *

Before we met, he was lost to his family in cocaine addiction for about a year. (He made choice to go no contact with them) *While my BF had his own money; at one point his dad legally took control of all his finances to prevent him from blowing through it. But in turn, he gave him access to enough that he would be able to live without being on the streets or possibly turning to criminal acts for cash. It went on a while, and eventually BF made the decision to stop on his own because he was afraid he was going to die & he decided he wanted to live again.*

I met him short after this. Even though his dad was still technically helping him with money; BF took it upon himself to go back to work, rebuild his life. *

He was clean for about 9 months and had a one day relapse. That was when his dad came back into his life. *In my opinion his dad has been wonderful to him; very supportive, very giving, very generous financially. But he also has places expectations on him that he will do the work to stay healthy.*

It's been almost 5 months since that relapse and he is doing really well. *He is back focusing on his career, he works with a psychiatrist 2x week to help with his continued recovery, he has a good relationship with his dad, we got engaged.*

This is just his story.

I pray your daughter views this pregnancy as her new start at life. *I hope in time she realizes and appreciates all you are doing for her.*

My one suggestion; I often feel that when people give (help) they expect a desired outcome. And then if it doesn't happen they feel angry and cheated.
You can't control addiction by just giving.... I believe that... But from what I've seen with my BF situation; it doesn't always hurt the person either, and it can sometimes help.*

But as I said, just my BF story.....

Good Luck!*

YearForMe

Chances are....if she goes to court, she will get out of the ticket. Especially since she is pregnant.

My daughter is an only child. She is 33 years old......with 17 years of addiction, most of that time active addiction.

She has lost her parental rights to her 2 children. She has been to prison more times than I can count.

What I have learned is.....

It's good for me to not do anything....and wait for the question.
(I'm talking about the times when she is sober and in recovery).

Mom...can you help me with.....???

From there, I can ask leading questions that makes HER find her own solution to the problem....instead of rushing right in with solutions.

If you want to have good self esteem, you have to do esteem-able things.

Solving your own problems is an esteem-able thing. Good self esteem is one of the antidotes (or cryptonite) to addiction.

bluebelle

It sounds excessive that she does not have to pay for her house, and she doesn't have to pay for a traffic ticket when she is 26 years old. She is an adult and should be responsible for herself and her bills. You say that at least she is in a house and not on the streets. However, she has Hep C, is pregnant and has a bf on drugs. What will happen to her next while she is living in a paid for house? The house won't protect her from OD or from dangerous infections.

I hope for the baby's sake that she is really done with drugs this time. If she is, she's going to need to learn how to take care of herself. Paying for her own ticket would be a good place to start.

gandr002

Anvil head not very helpful but respect your input. By the way That careless addict is the receptacle of that innocent life so I am concerned for both!

Heartbroken0608

I've enabled/supported my son for years. I very recently told him "enough", that I would never give him another penny, not pay a bill, etc. I just received a call from him. He's tired from working so hard, has to be up at 5:30 to go to work and his body aches. I told him how proud I was and he told me that it felt really good to get a pay heck that he had earned on his own. Do I think he's cured? Probably not, but he is learning and it's a lesson he never would have gotten as long as I was continuing to rescue him.

I wouldn't pay her ticket. Being a pregnant female I would definitely get her in touch with some resources that are equipped to help someone in her situation. She is going to be a mom and as such she needs to figure out what it takes to be responsible for another human being. Losing her license is not the end of the world. There are plenty of good moms who do not have a vehicle/license.

I have learned that I am not the best teacher for my son. He sees me as his saviour, I am not and cant be. Others who are not emotionally connected are much better equipped to teach him the lessons he needs to learn. Have faith that she is capable and that she will rise to this challenge. She can do it if she knows it is her only option. I remember when I first came here someone said I had to give him the gift of desperation...I thought they were crazy. Since then I've come to see that's the best gift I could have ever given him. I'd encourage you to do the same for your daughter. She can figure this out, all she needs from you is your love, acceptance and faith in her abilities.