crazybabie

I kicked my AH out Saturday he came and got the last of his things today.

A quick note (this is NOT a score card) however when I was 15 and him 16 we lived together and he did walk in on me with someone in a sexual way. that was 31 years ago there were 2 other times all before I was 23 that I was with another guy I own that and told him so . I have not been with anyone besides him since then. I was later DX Bipolar and put on meds. and that is when things stopped. I am not saying these things happened due to the illness I accept my part in that.

With that said I found out he has been seen in public such as Walmart etc...
with a known prostitute who also shoots heroine. That is how he brought up the subject of the past because I asked about her. He of course swears he is not sleeping with her well I am not there and did not argue with him about that.

I did however have written down what I did and stated I made 3 very major mistakes in the 30 years we have been together and they hurt you badly and I am sorry but do you not see the mistakes your making now that is why we are in the position we are. I was kinda shocked when he said let me tell you how many mistakes I have made 0... like his use has nothing to do with why I put him out.

I know none of us can think like him because he has his own mind just we all do but I am thinking he said that to try and place the blame (for lack of a better word) on me out of his guilt.

Any thoughts on this? I seriously know what he is doing is wrong and staying gone all weekend 2 or 3 times a month doing his pills and /or whatever else he may be doing is why I put him out.

Any opinions on what he said or any on what I stated I did would be truly appreciated.

Ann

It sounds like your relationship had become toxic and you are probably better splitting where you can start new, a little wiser for the lessons.

It doesn't matter what he thinks, what matters is how you feel and my thoughts are that your sadness at splitting will heal one day soon and you will be better off.

Hugs

dollydo

What he says really doesn't matter, he is an addict, his words have no rational basis, all he is doing is deflecting.

This has been going on for a long time, several years ago you were going to meetings and working on your codependency issues....what happened?

Might be the perfect time to focus on you, what you are doing and thinking...and not waste anymore time trying to figure him out...all you are doing is spinning your wheels.

crazybabie

Ann, I know you are right I should have been gone already I have allowed the cycle to continue our relationship has been toxic for many years I just closed my eyes to that.

Dolly, to be honest I would have to say I wasn't ready to work on me, I wanted to be I thought I was I was still in denial.

I was going to al a non I located our local family anonymous and their next meeting is Monday they are having a speaker who has a ministry for users I asked myself why go to that one and was gonna wait until Thursdays meeting then I realized the sooner I start the better and I can meet others while I am there it could possibly make me even more comfortable having seen the faces before a closed meeting.

Kindeyes

Going to meetings is a great idea, Angie. We had a great speakers meeting a couple of weeks ago. I wouldn't have wanted to miss that for anything.

There is absolutely nothing you can do to change his thinking. My AXH also blames all of his troubles on me....and his parents, and his second wife, and my current husband, and his sister, and his sister's daughter, and every employer he's ever had (and there's been many because he can't hold a job). So I'm in good company. He simply can't take responsibility for his own part in anything with anyone.

Of course I made mistakes. I made plenty of them. But we've been divorced for 30 years! I wish I could scream LET IT GO at him but we all know that he's not deaf....he just has a very big problem. I don't have any contact at all with him at all and I pray for him. That's all I can do. I truly hope that he can acknowledge his own part in our dysfunction and feel the freeing feeling of letting go and letting God but that's up to him.

You are trying to heal. And that's good. Let him deal with the stuff that's on his plate.

gentle hugs
ke

BeavsDad

What you did many years ago doesn't matter.

What and who/he did last night does.

Think about the diseases that heroin hooker might have transferred if you find yourself in a moment of weakness.

crazybabie

I have been thought about that I have an appointment with my doctor to be tested for the things that can be tested now but, as you know for some things one has to wait a period of time...

The very thought that I allowed myself to stay and put myself in this position makes me sick and angry at me, He of course says he has never been with her of course but I know that is a lie.

I can see I have made progress I guess I learned more than I realized from the al a non meetings I did attend. I usually am frantic when I kick him out I will call text over and over. This time has been different.I do not call him I have responded to some text he has sent me with simple and short replies one reply was OK all I said. I have been able to do this for 9 days now(since I had him move)

I have not made it to where I wanna be obviously because I have not cut off all contact as of yet.I am just glad that I have made progress that I can see it has given me hope that I can do this one day at a time.

He is getting desperate I can tell because now he is calling or texting me a lot which he usually does not do when this, is happening, I do not take all his calls or reply to all his text as a matter of fact while I was typing this he called and I did answer and he wanted to know did I get his text this morning he had sent 2, I told him yes and his response was oh so you didn't wanna talk to me then. He is not getting the same responses he is use to and is panicking.

dollydo

Anvil said what I was thinking...you are just playing a game with him, you want him to panic and keep chasing the hook.

If you ever get serious about letting go...you will go no contact.

hope213

he is wanting u to feel guilty about what u did to keep the focus off of him. you should make a decision about what you want out of life & stick with it. you are on a one way street with him. prayers,

crazybabie

Anival and Dolly I do appreciate your input as I said above I have an appointment scheduled for testing. Obviously I am not ready to go no contact or I would have already. I am ready for no sexual contact and I am working on me and working on getting to that place of no contact. One day at a time.