Taking slow steps
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 78
Taking slow steps
Morning everyone. I haven’t posted for a bit. Things have been so busy so here is a quick update. My AH is doing well in recovery and is clean for 1 month now. I know this for sure because I went to speak to his doctor myself and spoke to the therapist and was assure that he is attending all his meetings, taking all his meds and not using. They do drug test and would not allow him in the program otherwise. Because of this I arranged a visit with the kids to the park and for lunch. The children enjoyed it and were happy and that is what matters. I on the other hand found myself tense and waiting or something to happen the entire time. I spoke frankly to his therapist and explained how even though I love him, want him t heal, and depending on his condition want him to be a part of his children’s life, I do not think I can stay married to him. I explained my woes and past and all that. It was liberating and calming because she agreed with me and vindicated MY feelings. She suggested that I take it slow, do what makes me happy and see how he does. If I still feel that way do what makes me happy. Hmm Happiness, something that has not been a part of my life in a VERY long time. Anyway, I am taking it easy, reminding myself that I do not need to jump on any decisions because of anyone else. I need to do what is best for my kids and finally think about what I want for a change. And maybe along the way I will figure out who I am again. I did contact a lawyer, just to get some information for myself. You see am a thinker and an information gatherer. It takes me a while to come to a decision, something that drove my AH nuts since he is all about instant gratification! But it is my way and once I come to a decision its pretty much set in stone, something that scares the heck out of my AH.
As for my AH, I hope and pray everyday that he finds the strength to heal and become a better person. But as of right now all I feel towards him is anxiety. When he is near I do not feel peace and that is a big deal for me. My life has been in chaos for so long that I expected it. Yes I feel lonely, yes there are times I crave companionship so badly it makes me misty. But for once in my life I want someone to put ME first. To make me feel like I matter and I am more important than some drug, dirt bike, video game or anything else. I don’t know the future, I can’t say how this will end with my AH. But I do know that it will end with me taking over my life again, whether or not he is a part of that depends on him and ultimately on what I want. And that ladies and gents I have no idea when will be. But I will try to enjoy the good moments and not dwell on all the bad along the way.
I scheduled a timed dinner with my AH, the kids and me tomorrow. It is all timed and arranged for about 4 hours or less. I will end early if I do not feel right, those are the rules. Lets see how it goes. I will keep you guys updated. Thank you as always for listening and supporting.
As for my AH, I hope and pray everyday that he finds the strength to heal and become a better person. But as of right now all I feel towards him is anxiety. When he is near I do not feel peace and that is a big deal for me. My life has been in chaos for so long that I expected it. Yes I feel lonely, yes there are times I crave companionship so badly it makes me misty. But for once in my life I want someone to put ME first. To make me feel like I matter and I am more important than some drug, dirt bike, video game or anything else. I don’t know the future, I can’t say how this will end with my AH. But I do know that it will end with me taking over my life again, whether or not he is a part of that depends on him and ultimately on what I want. And that ladies and gents I have no idea when will be. But I will try to enjoy the good moments and not dwell on all the bad along the way.
I scheduled a timed dinner with my AH, the kids and me tomorrow. It is all timed and arranged for about 4 hours or less. I will end early if I do not feel right, those are the rules. Lets see how it goes. I will keep you guys updated. Thank you as always for listening and supporting.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by yez5 
Yes I feel lonely, yes there are times I crave companionship so badly it makes me misty. But for once in my life I want someone to put ME first. To make me feel like I matter and .....
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It sounds like you are thinking things through in a healthy way. No matter what you decide in the future, I think your heart and head will be together in accepting the life you choose.
One month is only a beginning, you are wise to be cautious and keep yourself and your children protected. Time and his actions will guide your choices, and it's good you are not rushing this. However it goes, you are ready.
Hugs
One month is only a beginning, you are wise to be cautious and keep yourself and your children protected. Time and his actions will guide your choices, and it's good you are not rushing this. However it goes, you are ready.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
yez, I appreciate your desire to set up get togethers for the sake of your children.
if your date feels troublesome just try to find serenity within yourself. I found that sometimes when I have tried to gently "normalize" some aspects of seeing my ex for one reason or another, I would still find myself getting triggered.
though I could maintain a level of civility, compassion and hope for his continued recovery there was still an undercurrent of trauma happening
its possible that you may get a subtle sense of being re-wounded just by being around him. if you feel anger part of it can be your inner self trying to maintain a boundary so that the re-wounding (re-traumatizing) doesn't happen
for me it is as though I have done enough work and feel enough conviction to know that being in romantic relationship just won't work with his ongoing, stumbling addiction...and that strengthening core with myself is afraid that my weaker needs (codependency) will take over and "relapse" and allow the trauma to start happening again.
I guess in short...just observe yourself, your reactions, your feelings, be gentle with yourself and try to honor, and assure your self that you will not allow the wounding to begin again. there is a cognitive dissonance that occurs between seeing someone who you have made vows of partnership with...and seeing someone who may not be able to keep their vows. there is a very confusing gap between those two shores and, because you want your children to see him, you will probably be learning to navigate it.
peace.
if your date feels troublesome just try to find serenity within yourself. I found that sometimes when I have tried to gently "normalize" some aspects of seeing my ex for one reason or another, I would still find myself getting triggered.
though I could maintain a level of civility, compassion and hope for his continued recovery there was still an undercurrent of trauma happening
its possible that you may get a subtle sense of being re-wounded just by being around him. if you feel anger part of it can be your inner self trying to maintain a boundary so that the re-wounding (re-traumatizing) doesn't happen
for me it is as though I have done enough work and feel enough conviction to know that being in romantic relationship just won't work with his ongoing, stumbling addiction...and that strengthening core with myself is afraid that my weaker needs (codependency) will take over and "relapse" and allow the trauma to start happening again.
I guess in short...just observe yourself, your reactions, your feelings, be gentle with yourself and try to honor, and assure your self that you will not allow the wounding to begin again. there is a cognitive dissonance that occurs between seeing someone who you have made vows of partnership with...and seeing someone who may not be able to keep their vows. there is a very confusing gap between those two shores and, because you want your children to see him, you will probably be learning to navigate it.
peace.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 78
Thank you so much Lesliej. This view helps so much and I hadn't thought of it in those terms. I will put it to the test tonight. I also have my therapy session today which will give me added strength.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 78
Morning Everyone. Wanted to give an update on things. Dinner went well, calm and no drama. So well in fact that I allowed a second visit on Friday to the park and lunch. He came to the house for a few hours to spend with the kids and in that time we talked. Just a quick update on him and what I found out: I went to meet with his doctor/therapist last week and found out that he is following the program, taking his meds, vitamins and not missing any meetings. He is 60 days clean now. He of course wants to come home and wants me to give him another chance. I was prepared for that talk so it was no surprise. I gave him no promises or answers but allowed him to speak to me and tell me what he wants to try. He wants to contribute, he wants to help with the kids and me and the house. He wants to show me that he is serious and that in time we can work through this and come out stronger. He also suggested that we write up a legal document stating that if he relapse again while he is staying with us I gain sole custody of kids and all assets will be mine only. He says that he is so confident that this will not happen that he is willing to do that for my peace of mind. I listened to everything he had to say and I told him tat I am happy he is well but he has been clean for this long before. It is very difficult for me to hear his words with a open heart and mind. There is so much mistrust and doubt. And also I do not want to just have a husband for the sake of the children or fixing a house. I want something a bit better than that. And I told him so as well as letting him know that I had no answers for him but that I would think about it. Also I suggested that we meet together with his therapist so I could be more open with my replies o him. I still hold back for fear that he will misunderstand and become angered. I see his pain and his suffering and even though it hurts me I can’t let that be the basis for any decision I make. I feel I am making the right decisions but I go back and forth on some points. And here is where I need some advice please. I am not in despair as I was. There is a calm about me even though I am agitated in certain ways. Maybe this is another stage of dealing with all this. Any insight would be helpful. Thank you.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Yez,
If it were just you and him, then I would tell you that if you want to let him back in your house with 2 months' clean from drugs, fully aware of your risks, you are free to take the risk and live the consequences, whatever those might be.
But I will tell you frankly that he is still, and will be for a long time, a danger to your children's safety and welfare. Think this through, this idea of him moving back. Understand that he has no genuine recovery as of yet, that he is at least a year away from that, so he is statistically much more likely to relapse than to stay clean over the next year.
Now, what does that look like in your home? Is he going be alone with your children while you're out for several hours? Will you feel you can go out for dinner with a colleague or friend and know that your children are safe? Would you leave your children in the care of a babysitter who had only 60 days clean off hard core drugs?
I was married to an alcoholic many years ago. He had been sober two months. I did not know anything about alcoholism and when he said to me he'll never drink again, I believed him. I thought he had a choice.
A dear friend of mine was moving to another part of the country. I decided to have a one-night getaway with her before she left. So I left my 7 year old son and my AH at home and went away with my friend.
About THREE HOURS after I left, I called to check in at home. And my AH was drunk out of his mind, my little boy came to the phone crying, and by then I was two hours away from my home. I immediately canceled my visit with my friend, and drove the two hours back home, praying all the way. (In my extreme codependency I did not call anyone to go to the house. This is how sick I was. I was still trying to MANAGE everything myself.)
The rest of the night was chaos.
Yez, he wants to come home because he wants to curl up in that womb. He needs to get clean on his own and when he has minimum one year clean, and is a man again, then he will again be possible husband and father material.
Today he's just a druggie in chaos. Don't trust the outer veneer. Getting clean is extremely stressful for any addict and he is chaos.
You invite him home, you bring it in. And your children live it.
Don't let his puppy dog eyes and self-pity blind you to what he is very capable of: damaging your family to the core.
If it were just you and him, then I would tell you that if you want to let him back in your house with 2 months' clean from drugs, fully aware of your risks, you are free to take the risk and live the consequences, whatever those might be.
But I will tell you frankly that he is still, and will be for a long time, a danger to your children's safety and welfare. Think this through, this idea of him moving back. Understand that he has no genuine recovery as of yet, that he is at least a year away from that, so he is statistically much more likely to relapse than to stay clean over the next year.
Now, what does that look like in your home? Is he going be alone with your children while you're out for several hours? Will you feel you can go out for dinner with a colleague or friend and know that your children are safe? Would you leave your children in the care of a babysitter who had only 60 days clean off hard core drugs?
I was married to an alcoholic many years ago. He had been sober two months. I did not know anything about alcoholism and when he said to me he'll never drink again, I believed him. I thought he had a choice.
A dear friend of mine was moving to another part of the country. I decided to have a one-night getaway with her before she left. So I left my 7 year old son and my AH at home and went away with my friend.
About THREE HOURS after I left, I called to check in at home. And my AH was drunk out of his mind, my little boy came to the phone crying, and by then I was two hours away from my home. I immediately canceled my visit with my friend, and drove the two hours back home, praying all the way. (In my extreme codependency I did not call anyone to go to the house. This is how sick I was. I was still trying to MANAGE everything myself.)
The rest of the night was chaos.
Yez, he wants to come home because he wants to curl up in that womb. He needs to get clean on his own and when he has minimum one year clean, and is a man again, then he will again be possible husband and father material.
Today he's just a druggie in chaos. Don't trust the outer veneer. Getting clean is extremely stressful for any addict and he is chaos.
You invite him home, you bring it in. And your children live it.
Don't let his puppy dog eyes and self-pity blind you to what he is very capable of: damaging your family to the core.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 78
Oh EnglishGarden I think I want to divorce him but I am having such a hard time letting him know that. I am incredibly intimidated by him. He is very manipulative I know this. When he speaks I just go silent. I know this and I see it yet it still takes over. What am I so afraid of? I won't be alone, I have my family for support and they want me to leave him. I know my kids will be okay and I know I can take care of them myself. I can work hard. So what the heck stops me?!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Oh, me too, Yez. I was always afraid, shaking inside, nauseous, when having to be face to face with the AH and knowing that what I said would make him upset.
Many here have dealt with this. Hoping they respond and give you good feedback.
My solution was physical, long-distance separation which led to divorce.
Many here have dealt with this. Hoping they respond and give you good feedback.
My solution was physical, long-distance separation which led to divorce.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
I'd like to add- my ex will be receiving a letter from my lawyer tomorrow. I haven't warned him, he has no idea. I feel physically sick and completely panic stricken when I think about it. I am terrified. But I had to do it to keep myself safe.. I forced myself to make the call, dragged myself to the office, opened my mouth and the words fell out in a jumbled heap. Since I left the office I have spent 80% of my time sitting on my hands to avoid calling the lawyer and telling her not to send it.
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Yez5, if you have any doubts about getting back with him (like I have so many times) - ask yourself this - "what one nice, unselfish, genuine thing has he done for YOU?" And I mean the real deal, not getting you a drink or rubbing your feet! I mean something that time, effort, energy in making you feel special.
Says it all for me, hope it helps with any doubts you may have.
Says it all for me, hope it helps with any doubts you may have.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
yez5,
i realize all this was posted over a month ago and not sure if the situation is still the same, but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. i haven't been checking in here lately, so i missed your posts. anyways, i know exactly how you feel b/c i get the similar feeling about my AH. we have been separated for over a year now and i could file for divorce any time, but i am still afraid to.
up until recently i wasn't even sure whether i want a divorce and still do struggle w/ the decision (it's been 15 months since i left). but, there is that little voice inside that meekly reminds me of all the things that i have allowed myself to be put through, of all the insults that i so eagerly forgot, of all the wrongs done to me and my kids, that deep down i know that it would be really hard to go back and forgive and hope for better. that's just my situation.
i understand the anxiety. i was quite unaware of it when we were together, possibly b/c i always kind of went along with everything that he wanted, but since i left i do get anxious if i have to do anything w/ him. i don't even communicate w/ him any more b/c i find it pointless. i can't even go back to my home to get my stuff b/c i know that i will have to deal w/ him. so in a way i can completely understand your anxiety.
i want to applaud you for having the courage to want better for yourself and your kids. i often remind myself that i am the only person that my kids truly have that will always be there for them and that i must be responsible enough to give them the best that i can. you seem to be on the right track when it comes to taking care of your kids and yourself. you deserve the best and should not bargain for anything less.
take care of your family and stay strong. hugs and hope.
i realize all this was posted over a month ago and not sure if the situation is still the same, but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. i haven't been checking in here lately, so i missed your posts. anyways, i know exactly how you feel b/c i get the similar feeling about my AH. we have been separated for over a year now and i could file for divorce any time, but i am still afraid to.
up until recently i wasn't even sure whether i want a divorce and still do struggle w/ the decision (it's been 15 months since i left). but, there is that little voice inside that meekly reminds me of all the things that i have allowed myself to be put through, of all the insults that i so eagerly forgot, of all the wrongs done to me and my kids, that deep down i know that it would be really hard to go back and forgive and hope for better. that's just my situation.
i understand the anxiety. i was quite unaware of it when we were together, possibly b/c i always kind of went along with everything that he wanted, but since i left i do get anxious if i have to do anything w/ him. i don't even communicate w/ him any more b/c i find it pointless. i can't even go back to my home to get my stuff b/c i know that i will have to deal w/ him. so in a way i can completely understand your anxiety.
i want to applaud you for having the courage to want better for yourself and your kids. i often remind myself that i am the only person that my kids truly have that will always be there for them and that i must be responsible enough to give them the best that i can. you seem to be on the right track when it comes to taking care of your kids and yourself. you deserve the best and should not bargain for anything less.
take care of your family and stay strong. hugs and hope.
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