Windmills

Hi SR, I've been AWOL for a while now- reading and thanking but not really posting. I've been in a pretty bad place and havent been able to offer any words of wisdom or comfort, they just haven't been forming. The number of times I have written posts or threads and deleted it is INSANE.
So, today I started the Freedom Programme- basically a 12 week/1day a week course that raises awareness and understanding of domestic abuse. My HP must be smiling down on my because the lady who facilitates the course is also a member of my meeting and I've become very close with her, we talk on the phone a lot etc. This made it 100% easier for me to feel comfortable and even share some of my own experience with the group (HUGE for me, I attended FA without sharing for almost 10 weeks!)
I have been offered a place on a self esteem course run by the same DV project next week and because I have been proactive in reaching out for help and working on myself, they have offered to fund a nursery place for my daughter so I can attend. Theyve asked me not to tell any of the other clients as obviously budgets are limited and they can't offer the opportunity to many people. I feel very lucky and my HP again seems to be smiling on me.
Tomorrow I am meeting with a solicitor. Terrifying prospect. I plan to discuss my rights, XABFs rights and the possibility of contact being supervised by somebody who isn't me. I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing, but I suppose I will just see how the appointment goes and go from there.
I have been in a low, low place. I have been struggling with my ex's lies, I've been desperate to believe him but fortunately have kept my FA phone list at hand! I've also struggled with his complete off the scale craziness, contact has been very difficult as usual.
I think I need some words of support for my appointment tomorrow. Trying my hardest to grow a backbone but nothing is forthcoming!

Chino

I have more of a reminder than support: if you don't strengthen your backbone, your daughter may not learn what a backbone is, either. When you do the things you need for yourself, you'll be able to teach her, too.

Windmills

Ouch. Hmm, I might be feeling touchy tonight. I'll be back later to reread your message I think to see if it stings less! Thanks Chino.

Windmills

Hmm ok.
I had to take a step back and think about why your comment upset me a little.
I've come up with the fact that I am really doing an awful lot to make myself into a better, stronger person and mother. I'm engaging with my DV centre, I'm attending Families Anonymous, I'm staying in touch with group members with wisdom I desperately want a piece of. I've removed her from living with her AF and I have informed SS of the situation. I am working hard on myself while taking her to toddler groups, classes, play dates and giving her my full attention. I am currently decorating our new home and waiting for a grant to come in to buy my furniture as I lost all my possessions in the process of leaving my ex.
I feel like I'm really putting a lot of effort in and I'm starting to feel the benefit. I'm going to see a solicitor tomorrow and following my head rather than my heart (which constantly tells me to go back to him).

Seren

I think it's wonderful that these opportunities are opening up for you! Talk to your solicitor, attend the courses, learn all you can to become a better you for you and your daughter.

Hopefully your solicitor will know how best to handle negotiations/communication with your husband.

Chino

Yes you have! And you have to keep doing it!

I wish my comment didn't sting, but it did serve one purpose, I think. It caused you to remember how far you've come and all you've done. See? You do have a backbone, just keep it strong!

wicked

Oh, you already have it. By being proactive good things are coming your way. This is excellent by the way! :ghug3

Yes! This is a great idea, the less time spent with him the better. I also think it will be best for your daughter because he can concentrate on having fun with her, rather than thinking of ways to get under your skin. You are doing the right thing in my opinion.

Do not look for trouble. I found myself looking for trouble everywhere, being on constant alert is exhausting. Find a little time for you and take care of yourself.

you will be fine.

Beth

wicked

Chino,
It also served to remind me to get back to work too!
Not sitting on the pity pot, I have been thinking about it, but I won't.
A meeting sounds much more helpful and proactive.
Help a newcomer, that is good stuff for me.


Thanks to Chino and Windmills, and everyone here.

Windmills

I wish there were more meetings in my city sometimes, a meeting would be good for me I think.. I'm in the UK obviously and there is no NarAnon and only 2 FA meetings- one of which is completely insane and unhealthy. But I'm lucky to have found the one I attend, it's a wonderful group with amazing members, so I can't complain!
Wicked I am definitely looking for trouble. My high alert button has been triggered, my ex is being kind of erratic (more than usual!) and I am very very glad I don't live with him right now.
I'm in an odd kind of place tonight. Starting this course today has sent my mind into a spin, it's crazy hearing other women tell me that they went through what I went through. Really crazy. And I think just one session has pulled up things I didn't realise had happened on the abuse side..
Change is terrifying, although necessary. I need change to be a better person. I need knowledge and I need to learn about me and also about 'bad' men so I don't walk out of this into another abusive relationship. It's scary and I feel like a million things have jumped on me at once. But I'm going to embrace it and roll with it and hopefully come out the other side stronger.
I think I'm going to start working the steps aswell.. Would that be a silly idea given my situation of having already left him?

Impurrfect

(((Windmills))) - I am one who is terrified of change, even when I know it's what I need. I have the tendency to hang onto what a dear friend of mine from here has called my "uncomfortable comfort zone". She's right..even when it's totally wrong for me, I will hang on by my fingernails.

When I'm forced to change? OMG, I wonder what TOOK me so long!!! I've been in recovery for addiction and codependency for 5+ years, and I STILL tend to cling to what I know. Fortunately, life events have happened and I've had no choice but change.

I fret, I post here, I obsess, but in the long run? It works out okay. Some things people say to me "sting" but in time, I see that what was said was coming from someone who has BTDT. You're doing great, you see how far you've come, and you're reaching out for support.

I'm convinced I will never have this "codie recovery" down pat. I will slip and slide, but I can always come here to get re-grounded and I hope you know that you can do the same.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

GoldfishSyn

You are taking care of business. Good for you, Windmills! My understanding is that the steps are a lifelong process. Work them gradually and thoroughly and when you're done work them again. You should definitely do them even though you have left your addict. They will help you grow more as a person.

Heartbroken0608

Good for you! It sounds like you are definitely on the right track. I think the anticipation of the meeting with the solicitor is what's causing your anxiety...the unknown of it all. Knowledge is power though. Just listen to what they have to tell you and make sure you thoroughly understand your options. I would guess that you will leave that appt feeling a lot more in control and empowered.

You should be very proud of how far you've come and that your making such great choices for your daughter! ((hugs))

KiteSurfIan

Stand on your feet. Dont crawl before anyone.