What am I thinking?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
I can't do this anymore. Predictable cycle. Spiritually dead- this person I love and have not let go. Volunteering for poor treatment in a long distance tug of war. What a psychological warfare. What emotional blackmail. What was I thinking? Try # one too many.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 159
I feel you so much BlackandBlue. I live in GA and my A lives in CA. We have very mirrored As at the moment. Thank God we are separated by so much space because I can only imagine how bad it could be if we lived in the same town. The cost of the plane tickets and boarding for my dogs just isn't worth it anymore to even try to do the face to face every few months. Sometimes I wish I could reach through the phone and just smack the begezus out of him with a baseball bat, I scream and hang up instead and say wtf to myself? Why the heck am I even trying.
The attraction, intimacy, and "bedroom stuff" is out of this world but my coworkers said they will chip in for a gigolo next time I feel the urge to go to L.A. lol Shoot it will cost me less than the plane fare and kennels. Hmmm
Hang in there. You are not alone even at this hour.
The attraction, intimacy, and "bedroom stuff" is out of this world but my coworkers said they will chip in for a gigolo next time I feel the urge to go to L.A. lol Shoot it will cost me less than the plane fare and kennels. Hmmm
Hang in there. You are not alone even at this hour.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Another Earth
Posts: 172
BIG HUGS blackandblue....I am going through the exact same thing right now. The only thing I have to offer is that I totally and completely know how you feel and I sympathize. And we are going to get ourselves back on track and continue on with our own journeys.....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I took a moment to look at some of your old posts, b&b.
I know it hurts terribly. And I completely identify with much of your story.
But, to help you get some perspective:
This man has been a drug addict for well over a decade. He has never "relapsed" because he has never ceased using mind-altering substances. He has used weed, booze, needle heroin, and pills (I am assuming opiates, which is heroin in a bottle). This man is a severe hard-core drug addict, he is incapable of relationship of any kind, his life is about one thing and one thing ONLY: USING.
You fell deeply in love with him. But he consistently lied to you and then also he cheated on you. You separated and lived far apart for awhile. Then you reunited. This January he broke up with you, devastating you. He blamed you for everything. He accused you of cheating. Then he walked out. (To get loaded, by the way.)
You sought help, and found SR in your seeking. This April you were working on yourself, rebuilding you inner self and your faith in life through recovery. You were feeling better. But you said it felt like you were in the calm before the storm.
Then in early May he contacts and seduces you again. You traveled to see him. You took all your recovery tools with you. You learned a lot, you thought, about him today, and you hoped it might be possible to hang on and wait for a change in him. You aren't ready to say a final goodbye. You can't.
You come back home after the trip, feeling somewhat unsettled but still intact. He didn't shatter you while you were there.
You aren't home even a week, though, before he did it: he utterly devastated you. You are now sickened, shocked, and shattered into pieces. You are once again covered with black and blue marks from the emotional beatings.
We know what you are experiencing, this prison of pain. And I just want to tell you, your pain is real, it is authentic, and not for a moment do I think you did anything to deserve it. You are a victim of drug addiction, and this losing your center, your self, the dissolving of your core into nothing but pain....this is what happens to every person who deeply loves a drug addict. The disease is cunning and powerful and it has long long deadly tentacles. And they absolutely wrap themselves around us. I have always felt it as a poisoning.
What I did, in my pain, was I cried for help from my friends. I sent out calls, "Pray for me, I'm in trouble." I really was. Curled on my couch in the most searing emotional pain because I had just been blindsided, psychologically assaulted, by an emotional assailant: the drug addict I deeply loved.
Blackandblue, what I did was I just stayed away, after that. I knew there was no point in trying to resolve things, I knew that any form of communication is futile with any active addict. Like we say here, No contact=No New Pain.
I didn't know for sure if the drug addict I love was in relapse. He'd been in a cycling accident and put on morphine... after 15 years of recovery, clean and sober in the program. I met him when he was clean, fell in love with him clean, and had never known him in active addiction.
I did not know for sure if he relapsed, after the morphine. I didn't know his experience. But I recognized my experience. The knife to the gut which comes out of the blue when an addict takes us down. I don't know if he returned to full-blown addiction from that morphine drip, all I know is the almost unbearable pain I felt two months later from his cold and calculated language, directed at me, to take me down.
Your addict has never known recovery. So there's no question what you are dealing with.
No contact. Meetings for you, multiple each week. Calls to your friends for prayers (even the nonbelievers will pray in their own way). And read, read about ADDICTS. You hold the transcendent image of him in your mind, the man you described as charming, beautiful, amazing.
Change the image. He is a drug-seeking con artist with zero feeling, today. Nothing he does to you or says about you COUNTS. He is not the god he portrays himself to be. He is just a junkie, and until he finds a true recovery, anything he says or does simply does not count. He has no mind and no heart and what he says or does....it does not count.
You have been re-traumatized. Seek others out to help you. God bless you.
I know it hurts terribly. And I completely identify with much of your story.
But, to help you get some perspective:
This man has been a drug addict for well over a decade. He has never "relapsed" because he has never ceased using mind-altering substances. He has used weed, booze, needle heroin, and pills (I am assuming opiates, which is heroin in a bottle). This man is a severe hard-core drug addict, he is incapable of relationship of any kind, his life is about one thing and one thing ONLY: USING.
You fell deeply in love with him. But he consistently lied to you and then also he cheated on you. You separated and lived far apart for awhile. Then you reunited. This January he broke up with you, devastating you. He blamed you for everything. He accused you of cheating. Then he walked out. (To get loaded, by the way.)
You sought help, and found SR in your seeking. This April you were working on yourself, rebuilding you inner self and your faith in life through recovery. You were feeling better. But you said it felt like you were in the calm before the storm.
Then in early May he contacts and seduces you again. You traveled to see him. You took all your recovery tools with you. You learned a lot, you thought, about him today, and you hoped it might be possible to hang on and wait for a change in him. You aren't ready to say a final goodbye. You can't.
You come back home after the trip, feeling somewhat unsettled but still intact. He didn't shatter you while you were there.
You aren't home even a week, though, before he did it: he utterly devastated you. You are now sickened, shocked, and shattered into pieces. You are once again covered with black and blue marks from the emotional beatings.
We know what you are experiencing, this prison of pain. And I just want to tell you, your pain is real, it is authentic, and not for a moment do I think you did anything to deserve it. You are a victim of drug addiction, and this losing your center, your self, the dissolving of your core into nothing but pain....this is what happens to every person who deeply loves a drug addict. The disease is cunning and powerful and it has long long deadly tentacles. And they absolutely wrap themselves around us. I have always felt it as a poisoning.
What I did, in my pain, was I cried for help from my friends. I sent out calls, "Pray for me, I'm in trouble." I really was. Curled on my couch in the most searing emotional pain because I had just been blindsided, psychologically assaulted, by an emotional assailant: the drug addict I deeply loved.
Blackandblue, what I did was I just stayed away, after that. I knew there was no point in trying to resolve things, I knew that any form of communication is futile with any active addict. Like we say here, No contact=No New Pain.
I didn't know for sure if the drug addict I love was in relapse. He'd been in a cycling accident and put on morphine... after 15 years of recovery, clean and sober in the program. I met him when he was clean, fell in love with him clean, and had never known him in active addiction.
I did not know for sure if he relapsed, after the morphine. I didn't know his experience. But I recognized my experience. The knife to the gut which comes out of the blue when an addict takes us down. I don't know if he returned to full-blown addiction from that morphine drip, all I know is the almost unbearable pain I felt two months later from his cold and calculated language, directed at me, to take me down.
Your addict has never known recovery. So there's no question what you are dealing with.
No contact. Meetings for you, multiple each week. Calls to your friends for prayers (even the nonbelievers will pray in their own way). And read, read about ADDICTS. You hold the transcendent image of him in your mind, the man you described as charming, beautiful, amazing.
Change the image. He is a drug-seeking con artist with zero feeling, today. Nothing he does to you or says about you COUNTS. He is not the god he portrays himself to be. He is just a junkie, and until he finds a true recovery, anything he says or does simply does not count. He has no mind and no heart and what he says or does....it does not count.
You have been re-traumatized. Seek others out to help you. God bless you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
WOW EnglishGarden! That was powerful.It SO spoke to the pain we ALL have felt....
.....he utterly devastated you. You are now sickened, shocked, and shattered into pieces. You are once again covered with black and blue marks from the emotional beatings.....
....You are a victim of drug addiction, and this losing your center, your self, the dissolving of your core into nothing but pain....this is what happens to every person who deeply loves a drug addict. The disease is cunning and powerful and it has long long deadly tentacles. And they absolutely wrap themselves around us. I have always felt it as a poisoning..........
......all I know is the almost unbearable pain I felt two months later from his cold and calculated language, directed at me, to take me down..........
.......... You hold the transcendent image of him in your mind, the man you described as charming, beautiful, amazing.
Change the image. He is a drug-seeking con artist with zero feeling, today. Nothing he does to you or says about you COUNTS. He is not the god he portrays himself to be. He is just a junkie, and until he finds a true recovery, anything he says or does simply does not count. He has no mind and no heart and what he says or does....it does not count.
.........
(Like I said-----WOW!--if I had your talent with words,this is what I would say about
the addict that so messed me up that I HAD to go no contact to save myself from those deadly, long, dangerous tentacles!)
================================================== ========
Yeah,B&B, it DOES hurt----but at least that is an authentic human emotion earned on the field of battle.....not a scam/trick to mindf**k with
others to score more h/oxy/percs/whatever.
Thanks,E/G!
.....he utterly devastated you. You are now sickened, shocked, and shattered into pieces. You are once again covered with black and blue marks from the emotional beatings.....
....You are a victim of drug addiction, and this losing your center, your self, the dissolving of your core into nothing but pain....this is what happens to every person who deeply loves a drug addict. The disease is cunning and powerful and it has long long deadly tentacles. And they absolutely wrap themselves around us. I have always felt it as a poisoning..........
......all I know is the almost unbearable pain I felt two months later from his cold and calculated language, directed at me, to take me down..........
.......... You hold the transcendent image of him in your mind, the man you described as charming, beautiful, amazing.
Change the image. He is a drug-seeking con artist with zero feeling, today. Nothing he does to you or says about you COUNTS. He is not the god he portrays himself to be. He is just a junkie, and until he finds a true recovery, anything he says or does simply does not count. He has no mind and no heart and what he says or does....it does not count.
.........
(Like I said-----WOW!--if I had your talent with words,this is what I would say about
the addict that so messed me up that I HAD to go no contact to save myself from those deadly, long, dangerous tentacles!)
================================================== ========
Yeah,B&B, it DOES hurt----but at least that is an authentic human emotion earned on the field of battle.....not a scam/trick to mindf**k with
others to score more h/oxy/percs/whatever.
Thanks,E/G!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
EG- It was so helpful and empowering to have my story reflected back to me. It brought me to tears. Different kind of tears this time. I see that the real grieving is yet to come. I am searching for faith and relearning to trust myself. I realize there can be a degree of push and pull in all relationships. This tug of war was being played on the edge of a cliff. It has not felt safe to let go until now. I am starting to see that I am safe to cross over and let him be. I feel his fear and then I reattach. Now I see that without a doubt I am enabling with him still in the throes of an addictive lifestyle. I come down there with resistance and he can feel that I have changed. We have a great time. I leave. He then disappears for whatever reason. Something I said. Something I did. The emotion and reality is too much for him. I just wanted to share joy and even pain with the man I love. But he is unavailable. So he runs. Until 3 days later (today) he calls and says he has not been feeling well from work and other stress which is why he did not call or want to talk. I call BS. He is trying to use any tactic to keep me hooked and keep me as far away as possible at the same time. His words are nothing more than empty promises and threats. In reality he has been pretty addicted since he was a teenager and full blown for the last decade. I am too emotionally invested in him to rationalize why he is not good for me. It's more about why is my self-worth so little that I keep willingly playing the victim. What am I getting out of it? I am not sure I know anymore. Other than yes- we have intensity which has been mistaken for intimacy. I seem like an otherwise confident woman. Maybe it's my affliction as the wounded healer. Also a gift. I am thankful for the lessons. I just don't want to keep abusing my heart and soul and spirit. I deserve a break. I deserve a new start. And then the image of him comes into my psyche and back to the start. I am ready. Something big is happening. Dear God please!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
b&b,
As I often remind my therapist: "I'm not that well." We both smile. But he knows and I know it is true.
I'm really not. I am spiritually and psychically and emotionally attached to the drug addict who hurt me and ran. Like yours, my addict ran, too. He used excuses, when he got out of the hospital. Too much work to catch up on, too busy this and too busy that....three weeks went by and not a word from him. Not a two minute phone call. Nothing. He just started disappearing. And then he got cold as ice.
One day this relationship will be resolved for me. Something is not yet resolved, and when it is time, the wheel will turn and resolution of one kind or another will finally happen for me. I may never see him again but I will still find resolution and peace. I try not to be ashamed that I haven't found those yet.
For me, one thing I do know. When I first met this man, in spite of being in Al-Anon for a long time and thinking I had tools and would not mess up, I can tell you that I was from the start, in this relationship, in relapse. He told me he was a recovering cocaine/heroin addict, and you know what? I didn't even take a pause. I was so smitten. A healthy woman would have--that instant--at least taken pause. Not me. I was crazy in love with him. "You're a recovering drug addict? Okay!"
I soon started losing my center in subtle ways, making him more important than me, his needs more important than mine, and beginning to doubt my value. This is a terrible foundation for a recovering codependent starting a relationship with anyone, let alone a drug addict. I didn't realize what was happening. But I now know that I was astonishingly naive about the danger to my core self, because anyone involved with a recovering drug addict had sure better have boundaries made of steel. I didn't. Addiction is always looking for an opening, looking to destroy the addict and anyone close enough to inject with its poison. I was unprotected, and that was my responsibility and no one else's.
So don't feel badly about yourself. You loved someone very much. You had hopes.
I just think, b&b, you didn't know how dangerous he was. So many of us here, we just didn't know what we were dealing with. Addiction is dangerous. If the addict does not have a vigorous and daily recovery program going on, and I mean multiple weekly meetings, service work, counseling, then he is a threat. Addiction is dangerous and it makes addicts dangerous.
Life has consequences. If someone is not facing reality, she will eventually have to pay the piper. She will have consequences. I have had consequences because I began a relationship with a (then-recovering) drug addict without a strong program of my own, a strong core of my own. And you have had consequences because you did not fully understand the threat posed by an actively using drug addict, and you had no strong boundaries to protect you.
We have to get ourselves well. Here on SR, we are all trying to get well. We ask questions, we get feedback, we offer support and realize that the person who really needs to hear it is ourselves.
Just don't let this experience shame you. You are designed by the Creator to love. There is no shame.
The same Creator has given you a mind, and discernment, and you can put that to use while you keep your distance from the addict.
If he eventually walks into a program and embraces recovery and lives the honorable life many RA's on this forum are living, if he does that, you will still have had to do your own work, to be a good partner to him.
You are going to be all right.
As I often remind my therapist: "I'm not that well." We both smile. But he knows and I know it is true.
I'm really not. I am spiritually and psychically and emotionally attached to the drug addict who hurt me and ran. Like yours, my addict ran, too. He used excuses, when he got out of the hospital. Too much work to catch up on, too busy this and too busy that....three weeks went by and not a word from him. Not a two minute phone call. Nothing. He just started disappearing. And then he got cold as ice.
One day this relationship will be resolved for me. Something is not yet resolved, and when it is time, the wheel will turn and resolution of one kind or another will finally happen for me. I may never see him again but I will still find resolution and peace. I try not to be ashamed that I haven't found those yet.
For me, one thing I do know. When I first met this man, in spite of being in Al-Anon for a long time and thinking I had tools and would not mess up, I can tell you that I was from the start, in this relationship, in relapse. He told me he was a recovering cocaine/heroin addict, and you know what? I didn't even take a pause. I was so smitten. A healthy woman would have--that instant--at least taken pause. Not me. I was crazy in love with him. "You're a recovering drug addict? Okay!"
I soon started losing my center in subtle ways, making him more important than me, his needs more important than mine, and beginning to doubt my value. This is a terrible foundation for a recovering codependent starting a relationship with anyone, let alone a drug addict. I didn't realize what was happening. But I now know that I was astonishingly naive about the danger to my core self, because anyone involved with a recovering drug addict had sure better have boundaries made of steel. I didn't. Addiction is always looking for an opening, looking to destroy the addict and anyone close enough to inject with its poison. I was unprotected, and that was my responsibility and no one else's.
So don't feel badly about yourself. You loved someone very much. You had hopes.
I just think, b&b, you didn't know how dangerous he was. So many of us here, we just didn't know what we were dealing with. Addiction is dangerous. If the addict does not have a vigorous and daily recovery program going on, and I mean multiple weekly meetings, service work, counseling, then he is a threat. Addiction is dangerous and it makes addicts dangerous.
Life has consequences. If someone is not facing reality, she will eventually have to pay the piper. She will have consequences. I have had consequences because I began a relationship with a (then-recovering) drug addict without a strong program of my own, a strong core of my own. And you have had consequences because you did not fully understand the threat posed by an actively using drug addict, and you had no strong boundaries to protect you.
We have to get ourselves well. Here on SR, we are all trying to get well. We ask questions, we get feedback, we offer support and realize that the person who really needs to hear it is ourselves.
Just don't let this experience shame you. You are designed by the Creator to love. There is no shame.
The same Creator has given you a mind, and discernment, and you can put that to use while you keep your distance from the addict.
If he eventually walks into a program and embraces recovery and lives the honorable life many RA's on this forum are living, if he does that, you will still have had to do your own work, to be a good partner to him.
You are going to be all right.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
Today is day 1. It's a new day. I have not felt this kind of day in a long time or maybe ever. I am exhausted. My gut is going crazy. My mind is relatively still. Very very very sad but felt much joy as well being with my friends.
No contact today. Minimal contact all last week since I have been home. He appeared yesterday and called to report what he has been up to and ask what I've been up to. In summary, I expressed my truth and basically felt his emotional distance and internal battle. He sounded on the edge. He said he is on the edge. He sounded high on whatever. He is missing. He has always been missing to some degree. Never sober. Only varying degrees of being high.
As I say goodbye, something strange is happening to my whole being. I said to my now ex- "I can no longer watch you repeatedly hurt yourself; I can no longer hurt myself; I can no longer put myself in harms way; I can no longer witness this self-destruction; I can no longer volunteer for this long distance relationship where my heart is not safe; I don't deserve this; I love you but I have to love myself first or I have nothing to give; Because I love you I will let go; Because I am in recovery and you are not- this will not work; I am asking you with any part of you that loves me to please respect my wishes to not contact me since it will hurt me and in turn hurt you; I care about you deeply; I respect you and appreciate all you have given me both good and bad; I am scared to say goodbye; If and only if you are in a true recovery program you can contact me by email after one year; Do not contact me for any other reason and especially if you are in another relationship as that will hurt me even more; I wish I could be here for you as a friend but I hope you understand that I need to heal; I will be here in spirit praying for you; Please take care of yourself and I trust you will find your way and I cannot tell you what that is; Please don't lose faith; Please find faith; I have faith in you and I am searching for mine; I will miss you; Goodbye my love."
No contact today. Minimal contact all last week since I have been home. He appeared yesterday and called to report what he has been up to and ask what I've been up to. In summary, I expressed my truth and basically felt his emotional distance and internal battle. He sounded on the edge. He said he is on the edge. He sounded high on whatever. He is missing. He has always been missing to some degree. Never sober. Only varying degrees of being high.
As I say goodbye, something strange is happening to my whole being. I said to my now ex- "I can no longer watch you repeatedly hurt yourself; I can no longer hurt myself; I can no longer put myself in harms way; I can no longer witness this self-destruction; I can no longer volunteer for this long distance relationship where my heart is not safe; I don't deserve this; I love you but I have to love myself first or I have nothing to give; Because I love you I will let go; Because I am in recovery and you are not- this will not work; I am asking you with any part of you that loves me to please respect my wishes to not contact me since it will hurt me and in turn hurt you; I care about you deeply; I respect you and appreciate all you have given me both good and bad; I am scared to say goodbye; If and only if you are in a true recovery program you can contact me by email after one year; Do not contact me for any other reason and especially if you are in another relationship as that will hurt me even more; I wish I could be here for you as a friend but I hope you understand that I need to heal; I will be here in spirit praying for you; Please take care of yourself and I trust you will find your way and I cannot tell you what that is; Please don't lose faith; Please find faith; I have faith in you and I am searching for mine; I will miss you; Goodbye my love."
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
Day 2. Keeping busy and preoccupied. Crying here and there. Feeling a spectrum of emotions. I am truly blessed with so many supportive and loving people in my life. I am opening up with honesty and it feels really uplifting.
It feels like maybe he has given up on me finally. Maybe I was firm enough with my boundaries. Maybe, maybe, maybe (fill in the blank). I pray I am making the right decision by distancing myself. It feels like an act of self-love as well as love for him. The last thing we said to each other as we said goodbye was I love you to each other. He made a point to say that to me when he called me back for our last conversation. It felt cathartic. And he has made no attempt to contact me.
I welcome whatever tomorrow brings. Pretty crazy but last night I had a dream that I reunited with the man I was in love with before this one. The subconscious is pretty amazing.
Thank you for your insights, love, and wisdom. I do not feel alone. Goodnight everyone.
It feels like maybe he has given up on me finally. Maybe I was firm enough with my boundaries. Maybe, maybe, maybe (fill in the blank). I pray I am making the right decision by distancing myself. It feels like an act of self-love as well as love for him. The last thing we said to each other as we said goodbye was I love you to each other. He made a point to say that to me when he called me back for our last conversation. It felt cathartic. And he has made no attempt to contact me.
I welcome whatever tomorrow brings. Pretty crazy but last night I had a dream that I reunited with the man I was in love with before this one. The subconscious is pretty amazing.
Thank you for your insights, love, and wisdom. I do not feel alone. Goodnight everyone.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
love surrounds all of us.
when we have been living in the distortion...whether that comes from dysfunction, codependency, addiction or limited emotional/mental functioning...we can become fearful of losing our source of love.
that distortion becomes warped into fear...of loss...of love
but the reality is that when we open our eyes, our minds, our hearts and become determined to have faith in the truth of love, that it is everywhere...then we can let go of the fear, and love ourselves deeply. we learn to love our painful distortions and heal them, with the help of others. we learn to love those who are in pain around us, and to pray for their healing...without becoming enmeshed, entrapped and engulfed in their pain, distortion, addiction.
we let them go...so that our detachment leaves space for healing to possibly get in
we let them go...for our own healing to emerge...slowly, quietly, assuredly
love surrounds us.
we can commit to patience, to self care, to belief that we deserve love...at the very least our own love, which had been being fed to an insatiable addiction.
when we commit to the principles of spirit...integrity, willingness, openness, honesty, courage, faith and hope...we commit to our own source of love and spirit
then we begin to become whole
we become more whole, rather than a self divided and merging into addiction.
when we begin to become whole then we can contribute our best to those around us. we develop boundaries that protect the precious gift that we are to the world.
let the healing of your heart be gentle and strong. it is true, you do love each other...but sometimes that love is a greater mystery than we will ever know
I still love and pray for my ex, he still struggles with his horrible addiction and I hope that somehow he will find the way, my time with him has taught me more than I would ever have guessed I could have ever known. I had to learn to pull my heart off of the battlefield, and in doing so learned that I love and respect myself.
that love surrounds us
when we have been living in the distortion...whether that comes from dysfunction, codependency, addiction or limited emotional/mental functioning...we can become fearful of losing our source of love.
that distortion becomes warped into fear...of loss...of love
but the reality is that when we open our eyes, our minds, our hearts and become determined to have faith in the truth of love, that it is everywhere...then we can let go of the fear, and love ourselves deeply. we learn to love our painful distortions and heal them, with the help of others. we learn to love those who are in pain around us, and to pray for their healing...without becoming enmeshed, entrapped and engulfed in their pain, distortion, addiction.
we let them go...so that our detachment leaves space for healing to possibly get in
we let them go...for our own healing to emerge...slowly, quietly, assuredly
love surrounds us.
we can commit to patience, to self care, to belief that we deserve love...at the very least our own love, which had been being fed to an insatiable addiction.
when we commit to the principles of spirit...integrity, willingness, openness, honesty, courage, faith and hope...we commit to our own source of love and spirit
then we begin to become whole
we become more whole, rather than a self divided and merging into addiction.
when we begin to become whole then we can contribute our best to those around us. we develop boundaries that protect the precious gift that we are to the world.
let the healing of your heart be gentle and strong. it is true, you do love each other...but sometimes that love is a greater mystery than we will ever know
I still love and pray for my ex, he still struggles with his horrible addiction and I hope that somehow he will find the way, my time with him has taught me more than I would ever have guessed I could have ever known. I had to learn to pull my heart off of the battlefield, and in doing so learned that I love and respect myself.
that love surrounds us
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Crazy Land USA
Posts: 259
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden 
In early recovery, you are very fragile and your thinking is still fogged. I understand the wanting to be with him and being unable to let go completely. But when we are in early recovery, just as addicts in early recovery are advised, we do best to "follow direction" from long-time recovering people or from counselors, because, just like the addict, our "best thinking" got us to this place of misery. Like the addict, our thinking is fogged and we are often incapable in early recovery of understanding or controlling our compulsions and emotional drunkenness.
I agree that going on this trip places you in an emotionally volatile situation which could possibly traumatize you even further.
But if you decide to go and isolate yourself with this active drug user who has damaged you in the past, take an Al-Anon phone list with you and use it, check in with SR daily, and do not have unprotected sex.
Above all, do not feel shame for any choice you make which you later come to regret. We are all learning, and we have all made wrong turns of one kind or another. If you decide to go on this trip, and if it is a catastrophe for you, do not feel shame. It will simply have been the outcome of being a wounded person who made a wrong turn.
And we all know what that's like.
I agree that going on this trip places you in an emotionally volatile situation which could possibly traumatize you even further.
But if you decide to go and isolate yourself with this active drug user who has damaged you in the past, take an Al-Anon phone list with you and use it, check in with SR daily, and do not have unprotected sex.
Above all, do not feel shame for any choice you make which you later come to regret. We are all learning, and we have all made wrong turns of one kind or another. If you decide to go on this trip, and if it is a catastrophe for you, do not feel shame. It will simply have been the outcome of being a wounded person who made a wrong turn.
And we all know what that's like.
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Day 3- One day at a time. Deep breath, sigh, release. If I don't keep track, I feel I will slip. I won't die but part of me is dying. Part of me is being reborn. But it kinda hurts all over. Going to get tested.
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Breathing is good. Sometimes, it seems like all we can do!! I have been working on some breathing exercises lately, and it seems to help. I work on feeling each breath and slowing down the breath. It's a good way to center yourself.
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Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
Above all, do not feel shame for any choice you make which you later come to regret. We are all learning, and we have all made wrong turns of one kind or another. If you decide to go on this trip, and if it is a catastrophe for you, do not feel shame. It will simply have been the outcome of being a wounded person who made a wrong turn.
And we all know what that's like.
And we all know what that's like.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 311
Day 5-Thank you for the encouragement. I can only pray that my fall will help others in SR. All of this kindness has been a parachute. I am pretty sure I hit bottom and it feels like this part of me that is dying is allowing room for new hope and room for my spirit to emerge and breathe freely.
What I've realized since I went to see him is that taking care of myself in a lot of ways got pushed to the back burner. I have been paralyzed by grief and fear because of my own addiction and it has in one way or another held me back. He has not held me back. That is all me. I am allowing myself to be taken care of by my Higher Power of which I am just beginning to get a clearer sense of what that means to me. The deep pain, fear, and loss was awoken. For me that may be why I went.
What has made it difficult to decide to not contact him was to see that he is doing well on the surface. It is so deceiving. He asked why I thought he was unhealthy and not taking care of himself. I said that it was not my business how he decides to live his life but that regardless, in a relationship I don't deserve to be pushed and pulled around with or without drugs. I said I deserve to be treated well with respect, understanding, and compassion just as he deserves the same. I expressed that I want hope, faith, and trust to begin to replace fear, doubt, and distrust. That all I can do right now is to love me and for me that means recovery. I pray that he finds the same or whatever he needs.
He actually believes he is fine just because he is not using opiates. Yet he continues to numb himself with a deep desire to check out. He cannot bond with me. He cannot open up to me. He cannot be still with me and find joy in the simple things. He cannot see that rehabilitation and recovery and faith are the only hope for overcoming this disease and that it may only be a matter of time before he falls backwards. It is the way I see him react to life now that makes me not want this relationship. He can be quite mean, impatient, irritable, and manipulative and he continues to isolate himself. I need a partner that is present, not distant. Not long distance and not emotionally distant. He has decided to build his life away from me and without recovery- no 12 step, no therapy, no rehab and with marijuana and alcohol.
I expressed that it is not the pain of losing him that scares me- it is the fear of crushing my spirit, closing my heart, and beating up my soul as a result of this disease. It is that the volatility between us is jolting. Regardless of the love, I feel I walk on eggshells in his presence to avoid waking the dragon. It is subtle, cunning, and calculated to a point where I convince myself that he is right. That he is fine and I am overreacting and being dramatic and intense.
I told him that I was sick of living in the past- his past, our past, my past. That I am ready to transcend this deep dark place and live life to the fullest with true meaning and connection. There has been a dichotomy in my life for a long time. My friends pointed out to me that they felt I kept this relationship a secret and that he was not really engaged with my life, friends, family, and future plans. How can I live a life professionally and personally that is based on healing if I am not taking care of myself? How can I ever truly know what I may want in a life partner if I do not know my own heart?
I see that this step is progress. Letting him go. I am detaching with love so that I can focus on my own recovery. I believe that my illness is as deep as his on many levels. But staying with him out of fear or even out of love is really not true love. I was able to express all of this one last time with a different undertone, with a sense of strength, with recovery language, with love. My life is waiting and I can see how this could drag on for years and lifetimes.
I did not cause it. I cannot control it. I cannot cure it.
What I've realized since I went to see him is that taking care of myself in a lot of ways got pushed to the back burner. I have been paralyzed by grief and fear because of my own addiction and it has in one way or another held me back. He has not held me back. That is all me. I am allowing myself to be taken care of by my Higher Power of which I am just beginning to get a clearer sense of what that means to me. The deep pain, fear, and loss was awoken. For me that may be why I went.
What has made it difficult to decide to not contact him was to see that he is doing well on the surface. It is so deceiving. He asked why I thought he was unhealthy and not taking care of himself. I said that it was not my business how he decides to live his life but that regardless, in a relationship I don't deserve to be pushed and pulled around with or without drugs. I said I deserve to be treated well with respect, understanding, and compassion just as he deserves the same. I expressed that I want hope, faith, and trust to begin to replace fear, doubt, and distrust. That all I can do right now is to love me and for me that means recovery. I pray that he finds the same or whatever he needs.
He actually believes he is fine just because he is not using opiates. Yet he continues to numb himself with a deep desire to check out. He cannot bond with me. He cannot open up to me. He cannot be still with me and find joy in the simple things. He cannot see that rehabilitation and recovery and faith are the only hope for overcoming this disease and that it may only be a matter of time before he falls backwards. It is the way I see him react to life now that makes me not want this relationship. He can be quite mean, impatient, irritable, and manipulative and he continues to isolate himself. I need a partner that is present, not distant. Not long distance and not emotionally distant. He has decided to build his life away from me and without recovery- no 12 step, no therapy, no rehab and with marijuana and alcohol.
I expressed that it is not the pain of losing him that scares me- it is the fear of crushing my spirit, closing my heart, and beating up my soul as a result of this disease. It is that the volatility between us is jolting. Regardless of the love, I feel I walk on eggshells in his presence to avoid waking the dragon. It is subtle, cunning, and calculated to a point where I convince myself that he is right. That he is fine and I am overreacting and being dramatic and intense.
I told him that I was sick of living in the past- his past, our past, my past. That I am ready to transcend this deep dark place and live life to the fullest with true meaning and connection. There has been a dichotomy in my life for a long time. My friends pointed out to me that they felt I kept this relationship a secret and that he was not really engaged with my life, friends, family, and future plans. How can I live a life professionally and personally that is based on healing if I am not taking care of myself? How can I ever truly know what I may want in a life partner if I do not know my own heart?
I see that this step is progress. Letting him go. I am detaching with love so that I can focus on my own recovery. I believe that my illness is as deep as his on many levels. But staying with him out of fear or even out of love is really not true love. I was able to express all of this one last time with a different undertone, with a sense of strength, with recovery language, with love. My life is waiting and I can see how this could drag on for years and lifetimes.
I did not cause it. I cannot control it. I cannot cure it.
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