KelleyF

I was trying not to post for a while, but I don't know who else to ask...

I stated recently that I've been confused, and so last week BF and I had another couples session with his doctor. *It went fine*

The Dr suggested that to delve deeper into some of my confusion, that we set up. 1:1 appointment

So on the way out I stopped to schedule the appt. And was told he was booked. But said she would ask *later if he could fit me in and would call me later.*

So I got a call from the Dr the next morning, and he said that he was booked up; partly because he was going to be out of town for a few days.
But he said if I was free for lunch that day we could meet and talk. So I said that was fine and didn't think much about it because in business people have working lunches all the time.*

So we had lunch and I was able to talk a little bit about some of the stuff I wanted, but it was kinda difficult really at a restaurant with people and noise, *especially since this is all new for me and I'm not really comfortable talking anyway.

But everyone I have told says this was really inappropriate for him to invite me to lunch for a personal discussion. It didn't seem to be at all inappropriate to me at least not that I noticed.

And once a long time back when BF was in hospital: and had only seen this Dr a couple times, he drove all the way out to check on him. So I'm thinking this is just the way he is with people.*

I have another appt. scheduled with him later this week but now I'm just questioning if I should cancel *it. But then in a way that makes it seem even more weird if I do.*

So if you can just give opinions if this is normal behavior for a psychiatrist to meet out of office like that...would ease my mind.*

Thanks

lesliej

Hi Kelley,

I think that most psychiatrists take extra effort to protect boundaries, especially with opposite gender patients, because of the vulnerability and "transference" that can take place. So I do think it was somewhat inappropriate for him to "make a lunch date" and to have you out in public trying to address a few issues. But I'm not "alarmed" or anything.

One thing I would question is whether he should be suggesting that you become his patient. A lot of married couples that I know prefer to have their own separate therapists and then even a third for their "couples" counselor. I think it is very important to feel secure and trusting and that you have your own private space...literally and psychically. It would take A LOT of pretty intense boundary upholding for this doctor NOT to be influenced in his responses to either of you when he is seeing both of you!!! He is only human. Most people make it pretty clear that different doctors are the way to go.

best of luck

zanzibar

I think it's a matter that he probably wanted to know how desperate the situation was so wanted to see you asap. Even if this meant doing so on his own time. These doctors are in extreme demand but want to leave no one in the cold. My Dr will bend over backwards to see me if I call after hours.

KelleyF

Thank you both - that makes me feel lot better. I've never seen anyone before, except for the twice we had the couples session with this dr.

He seemed totally professional to me; but my friends and their comments. And I don't want to mess up the already established relationship he has with BF.

I think your right Leslie; maybe I should just find someone for me alone. Im kinda doubtful I will find anyone quickly though and I'm really anxious to figure
out what's going on with me.

Chino

My daughter and I see different therapists; I got my referral from her doctor. Neither one of them will consider seeing other family members once a primary relationship has already been established.

Her therapist also came to see her when she was in the hospital, and charged accordingly.

I think it was unprofessional to see you over lunch. That's too casual and has me wondering what else is he casual about, regarding patients and privacy?

LoveMeNow

I agree with you Chino!! I absolutely think it was unprofessional as well. Also, isn't he your XABF (confused about your relationship status) therapist? I think seeing your *own* therapist would be the wise decision. JMO

Although, I will probably see my husbands therapist at some point....when and if I am ready...but not as my therapist!!

KelleyF

We never broke up. Actually just got engaged at Easter, and are closing on a house. Just have some things I need to sort out. My friends are telling me it's just cold feet' even though we don't plan to actually get married for quite a while. So I dont know whats what but I'm determined to figure it out. I've just started working things through by blogging. Feels pretty good to just send thoughts out there.... like a letter in a bottle tossed into the ocean.

ColetteTocca

I can tell you with 100% certainty this is not professional and or ethical behavior on his part.

I stongly suggest you find a new psychiatrist.

LoveMeNow

It's nice your friends have had a change of heart. Good luck and Best Wishes!

shockozulu

Who is getting the bill for lunch? If your fiancee is, this was unprofessional to say the least. If it was you, than I hope you were there discussing your health over lunch. If neither of you are being billed, than you shouldn't have been there for a professional lunch.

I had a psychiatrist who would fit you in over lunch if he needed to. He also grabbed a bite to eat between patients and met me in his office over his lunch.

KelleyF

Thank you everyone for sharing your insight.
I appreciate it.

boldaslove

I personally would feel uncomfortable sharing a psychiatrist with my fiance, but I would see no problem asking the psychiatrist for a referral, especially if you like the guy. An old friend had a father that reminds me of your fiance's father, and when his dad decided his son needed an appointment with the dad's psychiatrist, getting a referral was how they met in the middle.

Kindeyes

Personally, I would have been uncomfortable with that arrangement. Time will reveal more.

gentle hugs
ke

bluebelle

I would have been uncomfortable meeting at lunch because--as you mentioned--the privacy issue. I would not want to have other people overhearing my conversation with my psychiatrist. I understand he wanted to fit you in, but lunch sounds a little too comfortable for a doctor/patient relationship.

I actually share a psychiatrist with my RABF. I had called her for a referral because I didn't know who to see. She said that I could see her. She is entirely professional and doesn't even acknowledge RABF as a patient. I know he goes there--it's not that. It's just that she would never divulge any patient information between me and him. Also, we have never seen her as a couples therapist, either.

It is hard getting in with a psychiatrist, but you could also try a counselor. If you have insurance, you could ask for a referral through them. Since you are a student, you could also go through your student services. A lot of colleges have therapists who work with their students. You could also get a referral through work. I think most work places have some kind of employee counseing program benefit.

KelleyF

Hi Bluebelle,*

Those are great suggestions - thank you.*
I don't know why I never thought about my college; they do offer those services I'm pretty sure.*
And that would feel totally separate and neutral.*

Im glad that you said that you do share a Dr with your BF because I kept thinking that someone told me that. I actually thought it was you, but I felt kinda awkward asking you in case I was mistaken.*

We aren't really doing active couples therapy. The first time was suggested by his Dr as part of BF therapy. *Our second one*last week, well that was similar in nature.

Thanks again for your suggestions.

Justfor1

That is not ordinary. But over the years & having seen many psych doctors I can say that they are very different in the way they practice. One actually gave me her cell phone number for emergencies which I thought was really caring because I was going through a tough time.

KelleyF

Thanks for this.

Just learned today that he and BF have had lunch sessions before also. BF always goes during his work hours, so that would make sense for that to happen upon occasion. He is a very casual Dr. and it does make it easier to talk to him I think. But he is also a licensed MD/Psychiatrist and the referral came from a reputable source also.

I've just no experience in how they deal with patients.

I have an appointment still this week and I'm thinking I will keep it because
now I feel it would be awkward to cancel at this point. I guess partially I feel
comfortable because he already knows what's going on, and I really don't want
to start from scratch with someone and explain everything new.

bluebelle

It's up to you. Just because he is licensed and an MD diesn't mean he's good--or good for you. I went to a different doctor before the one I'm with now. You'll know if it's not working for you.

tbeit

I dont think its apropriate for both reasons.How are you going to talk about your issues in a crouded restaurant especially for a first appointment and for him to see both of you sounds like a conflict of interest.
Why were you trying not to post for a while?

KelleyF

Just wanted to give an update.

I decided to go ahead and keep the appointment this week because it felt awkward to cancel. The meeting went fine and he was actually very helpful.

Not counting the lunch meeting the other day.... this was my first solo with the psychiatrist. I didnt set up any others as he gave me some suggestions and Im going to run with that for a while and see where it takes me.

Turned out to be a very positive experience.

((TBEIIT)

Thanks for your reply to my P.M. - great advice as usual.