Betrayed/ Robbed/ by addict bro-in law
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
It has been and remains your decision to not press charges and/or take him to court. He does not have to do anything, including acknowledging or appreciating your gift. He has shown you who he is. Believe him.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: atlanta
Posts: 11
No I can not control him or anyone else for that matter. He is who he is. A well ingrained pattern is in place. I think my issue is I have allowed it because I have no one else and he says he loves me and wants me to be a part of the family. Says wish you could move in our guest room. My sister once said when he brought that up when we lost the biz, that she did not see that working.... pretty hard to her, but that too, is what it is.
I need to just remove myself from him. Even though it is painful and sad to me. HEis the only family memebe rI have left and look how he treats me... rather pitiful on my behalf. Not proud of it. What I really want is 1) my belongings, which are long gone, ain't gonna happen. 2) Compensated for them..., I do not have the luxury of $200/month. for 430K worth of things tht I could sell to live on... AGAIN, tough, deal with it.... difficult not to resent him/them. YEs, I know I am the one paying the price, which seems to ALWAYS be the case.... Just angry and hurt... and sad.... but the deed is done. And he has in fact shown me who he is... Not going to change. And he is too busy feeling sorry for himself. Need to face the brutal truth. They are unhealthy for me and I need to not hold out any false hope of him or her changing or realizing how much I have done for them in the past. Again, I do not want anything for it, only to be treated fairly.
I need to just remove myself from him. Even though it is painful and sad to me. HEis the only family memebe rI have left and look how he treats me... rather pitiful on my behalf. Not proud of it. What I really want is 1) my belongings, which are long gone, ain't gonna happen. 2) Compensated for them..., I do not have the luxury of $200/month. for 430K worth of things tht I could sell to live on... AGAIN, tough, deal with it.... difficult not to resent him/them. YEs, I know I am the one paying the price, which seems to ALWAYS be the case.... Just angry and hurt... and sad.... but the deed is done. And he has in fact shown me who he is... Not going to change. And he is too busy feeling sorry for himself. Need to face the brutal truth. They are unhealthy for me and I need to not hold out any false hope of him or her changing or realizing how much I have done for them in the past. Again, I do not want anything for it, only to be treated fairly.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 24
If they've recently filed bankruptcy and didn't include his debt to you then they can't go back and include it and they can't file bankruptcy again for several years after the first time (I'm not a lawyer, just about to file bankruptcy myself and doing a lot of research). Even if they're broke, if you get a judgement against him it will be there in the future when/if he does start earning more or I think it can even put a lien on their house so if they sell it you get paid before they do (if there's any equity in it I think).
You know you are not going to get your things back. Even if you get a judgement against him it might be a long while before you receive a dime. It's so much easier for an outsider to see it more objectively - I constantly go in circles with my husband just because I want to know the truth about things and hope he will finally own up to reality. It is so hard to let go, to realize you are never going to get that. It's so hard not to feel that if only you could just make them see what they're doing and feel bad about it then you can start to heal - it's even harder to realize that you are never going to get that - you can't control what they think and feel, you can only take care of yourself.
I'm at a crossroads in my life right now thinking about leaving my AH for good and I see that there are three options:
1. Let things continue as-is, going around and around through the same issues constantly fighting to change things by doing the same things over and over with the same results
2. Accept that this is the way your life is going to be and try to stop stressing over it and learn to live with it the way things are
3. Take action to change your situation, one step at a time - by changing what you do - you can't change anyone else.
I have spent the last 2 years stuck at option number 1, making excuse after excuse about why I couldn't do number 3 - it's too hard, too stressful, it will impact the kids, my AH will eventually change. I even did option 2 for a little while - if I let him buy enough pills to get him through to his doctor's appt at least he isn't lying or stealing. It was only when I was truly sick of my situation - that I felt like I was going start having serious health problems from all the stress - that I finally decided to do something.
In my situation, accepting his behavior meant that I would have to compromise my values. In your situation, accepting that you will never be made whole financially from what he's done is a valid option. I think the worst thing you could do is to continue like things are - I can tell you're very stressed. I just read an article in the May/June issue of WeightWatchers magazine (p. 134) about how fear keeps us from making big changes but it said that each small step you take makes it easier to take the next one. Whether that's letting go of hope you will be financially compensated for your things and figuring out how to live without that or taking legal action, it's better than not making a decision at all.
I hope I didn't sound too harsh - I empathize with you and your situation. I wish you all the best and hope that you can find a way to emerge from a stressful situation stronger and happier in the long run.
You know you are not going to get your things back. Even if you get a judgement against him it might be a long while before you receive a dime. It's so much easier for an outsider to see it more objectively - I constantly go in circles with my husband just because I want to know the truth about things and hope he will finally own up to reality. It is so hard to let go, to realize you are never going to get that. It's so hard not to feel that if only you could just make them see what they're doing and feel bad about it then you can start to heal - it's even harder to realize that you are never going to get that - you can't control what they think and feel, you can only take care of yourself.
I'm at a crossroads in my life right now thinking about leaving my AH for good and I see that there are three options:
1. Let things continue as-is, going around and around through the same issues constantly fighting to change things by doing the same things over and over with the same results
2. Accept that this is the way your life is going to be and try to stop stressing over it and learn to live with it the way things are
3. Take action to change your situation, one step at a time - by changing what you do - you can't change anyone else.
I have spent the last 2 years stuck at option number 1, making excuse after excuse about why I couldn't do number 3 - it's too hard, too stressful, it will impact the kids, my AH will eventually change. I even did option 2 for a little while - if I let him buy enough pills to get him through to his doctor's appt at least he isn't lying or stealing. It was only when I was truly sick of my situation - that I felt like I was going start having serious health problems from all the stress - that I finally decided to do something.
In my situation, accepting his behavior meant that I would have to compromise my values. In your situation, accepting that you will never be made whole financially from what he's done is a valid option. I think the worst thing you could do is to continue like things are - I can tell you're very stressed. I just read an article in the May/June issue of WeightWatchers magazine (p. 134) about how fear keeps us from making big changes but it said that each small step you take makes it easier to take the next one. Whether that's letting go of hope you will be financially compensated for your things and figuring out how to live without that or taking legal action, it's better than not making a decision at all.
I hope I didn't sound too harsh - I empathize with you and your situation. I wish you all the best and hope that you can find a way to emerge from a stressful situation stronger and happier in the long run.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by ItIsAboutTime 
I constantly go in circles with my husband just because I want to know the truth about things and hope he will finally own up to reality.
I caught the tail end of something on the OWN channel last night :
" I love boo-boo so much ..who he could be...cept that.... boo-boo is a weasel."
That's a truth.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
ama,
Sounds like your best option is to walk away from these people (sis & BIL) who are not treating you with respect. Good chance you'd find a replacement family in AlAnon or NarAnon that would understand where you're coming from, help you work through some of the anger and betrayal, and accept & respect you.
I know it's hard, but the sooner you're able to accept that he (BIL) will never accept responsibility for his own actions and/or admit to having wronged you, the better off you'll be. You can't make him . . . as much as you want to and believe you are right . . . sorry about that.
Sounds like your best option is to walk away from these people (sis & BIL) who are not treating you with respect. Good chance you'd find a replacement family in AlAnon or NarAnon that would understand where you're coming from, help you work through some of the anger and betrayal, and accept & respect you.
I know it's hard, but the sooner you're able to accept that he (BIL) will never accept responsibility for his own actions and/or admit to having wronged you, the better off you'll be. You can't make him . . . as much as you want to and believe you are right . . . sorry about that.
Last edited by JMFburns; 04-30-2012 at 01:38 PM. Reason: Needed to add a bit more.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Maryland
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by amalfi12
I just need him to GET the impact of what he did on me.
If you are in need of the money you have two choices - accept what he is paying you or go and get a civil judgment, and see if you can get more. I would probably keep a spreadsheet of what is owed and what/when payment is made. i would send a copy of the spreadsheet to him every time he makes a payment.
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