Busted
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 278
Busted
My AH just got out of the hospital because we thought he was having a heart attack. He went into the cath surgery and was taken back up to his room before I saw him. The surgeon came into the waiting room and asked me point blank...is your husband withdrawing from amphetamines? I said yes, did he not tell you? The surgeon said no, and that he was having heart spasm from withdrawals and had not had a heart attack. So then he tells me to,tell everyone that he had a mild heart attack. But when his sister and mom called...and asked me...I,told them the truth. He said I was making it harder on me and got mad.
Today I came home early from hanging out with my alanon sponsor. I walked into his office. He looked surprised and immediately hid his hands under the desk. I asked him to show me what he was holding. In one hand was a leather bag with some old weed and an empty vial of bath salts. In the other hand was a cut straw and a pocket knife. He quickly wiped off the top of the desk and told me he was looking for a pen and just found it and was throwing it in the trash can. I told him why was the leather bag opened up and why did you have the straw and pocket knife in the other hand...and if you were going to throw it away...why didn't you. I told him I didn't believe a word he said anymore. When I got home the bag was removed from the trash can! The pocketknife and marijuana and pipe were still there but not the straw and vial. I am sure he will come up with some bs of how he flushed it down the toilet. He was hiding and doing it...right? I am so sick of the lies and bs. I signed up for a pretty apt. yesterday but he was so sweet and convincing today that I called the lady and backed out. He supposedly went out with his sponsor tonight.
Why not make him move out for a few months? I keep praying for clarity. He says he has 17 days but I don't believe that. He is going to meetings and he did say his sponsor visited him in the hospital. I don't know what is true anymore. He told me a big fat whopper lie just to get me to,come home from the motel and I found out about it Thursday and was really put on the spot with his work buddy.
It has been a year. I hope I get clarity from my Higher Power as I am so sick of this. I am 5'8" and I weighed myself at my sponsor's house...113. That is too thin.
Today I came home early from hanging out with my alanon sponsor. I walked into his office. He looked surprised and immediately hid his hands under the desk. I asked him to show me what he was holding. In one hand was a leather bag with some old weed and an empty vial of bath salts. In the other hand was a cut straw and a pocket knife. He quickly wiped off the top of the desk and told me he was looking for a pen and just found it and was throwing it in the trash can. I told him why was the leather bag opened up and why did you have the straw and pocket knife in the other hand...and if you were going to throw it away...why didn't you. I told him I didn't believe a word he said anymore. When I got home the bag was removed from the trash can! The pocketknife and marijuana and pipe were still there but not the straw and vial. I am sure he will come up with some bs of how he flushed it down the toilet. He was hiding and doing it...right? I am so sick of the lies and bs. I signed up for a pretty apt. yesterday but he was so sweet and convincing today that I called the lady and backed out. He supposedly went out with his sponsor tonight.
Why not make him move out for a few months? I keep praying for clarity. He says he has 17 days but I don't believe that. He is going to meetings and he did say his sponsor visited him in the hospital. I don't know what is true anymore. He told me a big fat whopper lie just to get me to,come home from the motel and I found out about it Thursday and was really put on the spot with his work buddy.
It has been a year. I hope I get clarity from my Higher Power as I am so sick of this. I am 5'8" and I weighed myself at my sponsor's house...113. That is too thin.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Alabama
Posts: 21
Trust your instinct friend. There is a lot of substance behind the reasons we feel the way we feel. The difficulty lies in separating out our own insecurities and complexes from the reality of what we directly know and what we indirectly KNOW. It’s obvious what was going on when you walked into that office. I know how our addicted loved ones can make us feel crazy if we let them and we begin to question our perspective on reality. Remember, they are the ones with twisted perspectives that facilitate their sickness and deep down they don’t like it any more than we do.
Should you make him move out? I hear you, I do. All of us reach points of desperation and begin to search for a solution or at times just a method to cope to buy time for a solution. It sounds like you are struggling with trust right now. It’s no surprise how often I hear this sentiment uttered in regards to the family illness of addiction. I have suffered from it terribly. The one area you can almost count on your husband being dishonest in is his sobriety. I’ve learned not to take this personal. Remember, he’s lying to himself too. When an addict “fails” to stay sober, they feel intensely weak, worthless, guilty, and ashamed. They beat themselves up thinking things like, “why does she want to be with me?” or “she’s going to end up leaving because I’m no good for her” or “everyone thinks I’m stupid” and the list of self-defeating thinking goes on and on.
In short, maybe try a different approach. Learn to detach from situations that you cannot fix or change if he is important enough to you to want to stay in this situation. Spend healthy amounts of time focusing on how you feel and what you’re thinking. Try to react less to his unstable actions and thoughts and act more genuinely of your on motivations. Support his sobriety but don’t try to be sober for him, you have your own health, serenity, and sanity to tend to. The healthier you are in this relationship, the better all involved will be. You have to come first though friend.
I hope things improve for you. Good luck.
Should you make him move out? I hear you, I do. All of us reach points of desperation and begin to search for a solution or at times just a method to cope to buy time for a solution. It sounds like you are struggling with trust right now. It’s no surprise how often I hear this sentiment uttered in regards to the family illness of addiction. I have suffered from it terribly. The one area you can almost count on your husband being dishonest in is his sobriety. I’ve learned not to take this personal. Remember, he’s lying to himself too. When an addict “fails” to stay sober, they feel intensely weak, worthless, guilty, and ashamed. They beat themselves up thinking things like, “why does she want to be with me?” or “she’s going to end up leaving because I’m no good for her” or “everyone thinks I’m stupid” and the list of self-defeating thinking goes on and on.
In short, maybe try a different approach. Learn to detach from situations that you cannot fix or change if he is important enough to you to want to stay in this situation. Spend healthy amounts of time focusing on how you feel and what you’re thinking. Try to react less to his unstable actions and thoughts and act more genuinely of your on motivations. Support his sobriety but don’t try to be sober for him, you have your own health, serenity, and sanity to tend to. The healthier you are in this relationship, the better all involved will be. You have to come first though friend.
I hope things improve for you. Good luck.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It has been a year. I hope I get clarity from my Higher Power as I am so sick of this.
A boat filled with people comes by and offers to throw him a life ring. "No thanks, he said, God will save me."
Another boat comes by and a man says "climb in"...and the man says "no thanks, God will save me."
Then as he is drowning he calls out "God, why didn't you save me?"
God replied "I sent you a life ring and a boat!".
Sweetie, I think God has given you clarity. Now the decision is yours as to how you choose to live. God can send you the boat, but the choice to climb in is yours.
All said with love in my heart because I know how hard this is for you.
Hugs
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Oh Windblown, I understand your pain so well. The lies, the drugs, and everything that comes with it is beyond sickening. Its almost too ugly to really comprehend at times. We are powerless to help, which makes it even more maddening.
You are so much like me, we just keep holding on to that speck of hope. However, I am now on other the side and I am not sure thats a good place either. I don't have hope anymore. I think he will be dead in a few months. Mixing pain pills, suboxone, and 100 proof rumple mints is a deadly cocktail. I am watching another human being, some one I love, drown and I can't even through him a life jacket. It defies all logic to me.
I am so angry and as my reality keeps punching me in my gut, I become more angry.
Yesterday, I just started to scream and cry uncontrollably. I found myself screaming at God and asking him why over and over again. I was home alone but I know I scared my dogs.
Why was I so dumb to ever think, getting clean just meant stopping...like quitting smoking? Why didn't I do something more before it got so bad? (not that I could of changed anything).
He continues to lie to me, he continues fake it so he can come home. I have played that game too many times. He is withholding money from me and my kids to try and break me. I am not breaking, I see no hope for him. None!! I can only continue to pray for him and ask God to guide me through this pain.
Yesterday, I told him....it was time for him to let go of me and the kids. (my kids are 18 and 16 and want nothing to do with him). It was truly the only unselfish thing he could do for us. I know he is not ready to change and he knows it too. I asked him to stop putting us through all the lies and manipulation. I wanted to feel guilt free and I wanted him to face his reality. We didn't abandon him, he chose to continue to use. He can no longer play the victim card. He made the choice.
Maybe I was the one that needed to let go, but I felt the need to have him make that choice. Its HIS addiction, its HIS decision to change or not, and it his decision to move on in the lifestyle he wants to live. I have not heard from him since and I doubt I will again. He has chose to be an addict and will have to live with that in his moments of clarity. He is now accountable for HIS choices.
It's time to find my truth, get myself well, emotionally, mentally and spiritually and let go. I know God has a plan for me, I know it's one of peace and hope for a new future. I will put my all my trust in His hands, lean not on my understanding and allow him to lead me to serenity. I hear its an awesome place.
I pray you decide to join me there as well.
P.S. I hear "their" recovery is really hard on us co-dependents and I am really not up to it being "still all about him." I am not willing to go through relapses or anymore heartache or disappointments. Again, there is NO hope in my situation. I am letting go!
You are so much like me, we just keep holding on to that speck of hope. However, I am now on other the side and I am not sure thats a good place either. I don't have hope anymore. I think he will be dead in a few months. Mixing pain pills, suboxone, and 100 proof rumple mints is a deadly cocktail. I am watching another human being, some one I love, drown and I can't even through him a life jacket. It defies all logic to me.
I am so angry and as my reality keeps punching me in my gut, I become more angry.
Yesterday, I just started to scream and cry uncontrollably. I found myself screaming at God and asking him why over and over again. I was home alone but I know I scared my dogs.
Why was I so dumb to ever think, getting clean just meant stopping...like quitting smoking? Why didn't I do something more before it got so bad? (not that I could of changed anything).
He continues to lie to me, he continues fake it so he can come home. I have played that game too many times. He is withholding money from me and my kids to try and break me. I am not breaking, I see no hope for him. None!! I can only continue to pray for him and ask God to guide me through this pain.
Yesterday, I told him....it was time for him to let go of me and the kids. (my kids are 18 and 16 and want nothing to do with him). It was truly the only unselfish thing he could do for us. I know he is not ready to change and he knows it too. I asked him to stop putting us through all the lies and manipulation. I wanted to feel guilt free and I wanted him to face his reality. We didn't abandon him, he chose to continue to use. He can no longer play the victim card. He made the choice.
Maybe I was the one that needed to let go, but I felt the need to have him make that choice. Its HIS addiction, its HIS decision to change or not, and it his decision to move on in the lifestyle he wants to live. I have not heard from him since and I doubt I will again. He has chose to be an addict and will have to live with that in his moments of clarity. He is now accountable for HIS choices.
It's time to find my truth, get myself well, emotionally, mentally and spiritually and let go. I know God has a plan for me, I know it's one of peace and hope for a new future. I will put my all my trust in His hands, lean not on my understanding and allow him to lead me to serenity. I hear its an awesome place.
I pray you decide to join me there as well.
P.S. I hear "their" recovery is really hard on us co-dependents and I am really not up to it being "still all about him." I am not willing to go through relapses or anymore heartache or disappointments. Again, there is NO hope in my situation. I am letting go!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
And you stay...why?
I hope that you reach your bottom sooner than later...as he is not in reocvery and the longer you stay the unhealther you are getting both mentally and physically.
It is your life, your decision. I hope that you will eventually make the right one ...for you.
I hope that you reach your bottom sooner than later...as he is not in reocvery and the longer you stay the unhealther you are getting both mentally and physically.
It is your life, your decision. I hope that you will eventually make the right one ...for you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 278
You guys are my lifeline. Thanks so much for the kindness and compassion. Every time I think I have reached my bottom, I get confused the next day. Choices are difficult. I will try and meditate. I am headed to an alannon meeting now...so have to go. I will let you know what or what I have not decided. I keep forgetting...what is good for me? I don't even know!
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