ahugz

I am so new to all of this I feel like Im drowning in it all... i joined on here to help gain some perspective into my situation and guidance on how I should be dealing with everything.

I have an ABF (is that the correct term), I was aware of his drug/alcohol problems in his past...admittedly I didn't realize or I was naive to how serious this was, I think I was also scared to dig to deep into it.....everything in our relationship has was great he's been driven/motivated/kind/happy its was a great person. His brother died (of substance abuse) just under 2 months ago.

This is when everything started to go down hill (from what I know)...
He started doing cocaine occasionally, then more and more frequently out with friends, he would do it alone in our house,...I could almost always tell but I was scared to confront him if he wasn't actually on it. In 2 weeks he went from being this amazing person to losing his awesome job, getting thrown in the drunk tank, not coming home for days.... I was so scared. We talked about it he admitted to everything, he went to counselling.

I went back home for 3 days, he was suppose to pick me up from the airport....he didn't show up, I had to break into my house because he had my keys. He didn't come home for 2 days....always txting he'd be home soon, he was sorry, just needed time to think etc..... I was so angry and scared. I found a crack spoon in one of his pockets and condoms.... I went online and hacked his email (im so embarrassed to say I did this but I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown and I needed answers and was getting nothing from him) In his email he had msg after msg of pictures of naked girls and pictures of his penis he had sent to them. He had signed up to a dating site and I hacked into his account and found him talking to tons of girls, one in particular that definitely made it sound like they had been hooking up for a while (we have only been here 2 months and hes been seeing her for 1 month) in almost all the msgs there is talk of drugs and money.

I told him what I found (via txt since he still hadn't come home) he told me he was using crack and he felt he was losing everything in his life and he was angry...he said he had never cheated on me and was only on there to meet girls to get money out of them and to hook up his friends with them.... I want so badly to believe him, but how can I when its such clear evidence, he admits to everything except cheating?!!

He was home today when I got home from work....he thought I wouldn't be home till later....he was so high, he had a friend over who I told to leave, there were drugs and alcohol all over my kitchen (he had been doing this a lot when I went to work apparently) I hadnt seen him in a week since I was gone and then he wouldn't come home. He looked like a shell of a person, so beaten down, he had lost so much weight in a week its disgusting. I told him regardless of everything I still love him and want to help him get better (and I really do mean that...I think this is where I am so torn...i shouldn't have this in my life, this is not who I am at all..but I cant walk away from him when he needs help so badly, although I am so hurt and mad I still care so much about his well being)
He just wants to know what is going to happen with us, he doesn't want to live, he is so mad at himself for ruining everything....he was so high and was getting so angry, he kept saying he was going to hurt someone soon if he didnt leave. I begged him not to because I wanted to help and I knew if he left he would go do more drugs and not come home. He said he was sorry and he would be back soon but he had to leave.

I don't know what to do....I dont want to desert him right now, he need help and has no one else to turn to. I also cant see a way we could ever be together again after everything all the distrust.

....this was a long winded msg, thank you for reading. I haven't had anyone to talk too about this.... I am planning on seeking counselling asap but I am scared i think to understand the reality. This has really helped even just typing out everything. I need help to understand how to deal with him and our situation without making it worse. thank you.

Vale

ahugz,
You came to the right place....there are a lot of wise people on SR
(and no,I cannot claim to be one of them).
I came here to determine I wasn't crazy/with my hurtful codependency
with a prescription drug addict....it helped to know others had trod this path.
What I found was the addict I whose life I was interfacing with would get deeper
and deeper into her dark world because she was too ashamed/mortified at all the damage
that has already been done by her (lost her home,marriage,son+daughter) to stop.
All these drugs seem to do is kill the pain of loss.
There are much wiser people than I who will have much more experience than I with
your specific situation.......but the part of your post that hit me hardest was "I dont want to desert him right now, he need help and has no one else to turn to"
We ALL felt/feel that way....so incredibly helpless in the face of this powerful evil.
I hope some of that made sense.
Alot of words to say...."you are not alone in this battle"
SR helped me............ALOT!

crazybabie

Hello, you have found a place that has helped me over quite a few years, May I suggest you read the sticky's at the top. I have an AH and 2 AS and my daughter is addicted to alcohol. The hardest part for me was and is at times realizing I can not save them they have too. Others will be along with much wiser words, Welcome to SR.

Angie

outtolunch

He has shown you who he is. Believe him.


You did not cause this.
You cannot control this.
You cannot cure this.

dollydo

Might be time to let him go, believe what he tells you, and move forward with your life.
You cannot help this guy, you have a choice, go down with the ship or jump off and swim to the shore.

Read the stickies at the top of this forum and read others posts, lots of great information at your fingertips.

ahugz

thank you for your responses, this site really helps you understand your not alone in this. I feel like I have somewhere to turn now. I really appreciate it.

ahugz

he talks about getting help all the time and that he feels like hes two different people. I really think if I get him at the right time he would go to detox....I called our local center and they said he cant get in until tomorrow, i feel I might miss the window?
I understand it has to come from him, and he has to want to go..... I know he does, and even though I shouldn't I feel like I need to be the "good conscience" I want to try and remind him and bring him back to the state of wanting help.

ahugz

What do you mean by this?
you mean who he is now, or who he was?

I don't how to believe him...I don't want to think every word out of his mouth is a lie but better judgement tells me otherwise. I once thought the lies only happened when he was high, I don't think that anymore. They are all the time, I want to believe him so badly when he is crying and apologizing for everything and saying he wants to change. But then he turns right around and does it all over again.

Hes here right now, finally, sleeping it off I guess...I don't know what to do when he wakes up. I just want to talk to him and help him but I feel that wont get us anywhere because its all lies??

suki44883

Should you believe what he says or what you have seen with your own eyes? You know for a FACT that he is in active addiction. You know for a FACT that he has porn of both women and himself online. You know for a fact that he deserted you at the airport and you had to break into your own home. You know for a fact that he was gone for several days, using and who knows what else?

The reasons why he does all this do not matter. If he wants help, he will get help without you doing all the work. He doesn't sound like someone who really wants help, he just tells you what you want to hear and you start feeling guilty for thinking of saving yourself from this nightmare.

Don't you think you deserve better? I think you do.

Eddiebuckle

ahugz,

As someone in recovery, I can understand why you would want to help him find his way. The sad fact is, this is one journey which only he can make. Until he makes the decision to get sober and follows through on it every single day, he will always be surrounded by the wreckage of his actions. There are none so blind as those who refuse to see, and that is the cornerstone of addiction: denial.

Because your relationship is young, I seriously recommend you let go and move on. This man currently is nowhere near capable of a loving relationship. Do yourself a favor, and leave him to figure this out on his own. The sad truth is this: many never learn at all. Do not fool yourself into thinking you have the power to change this or make him well - that will only be possible when he believes has exhausted every other option.

Be good to yourself, I wish you well.

ahugz

thank you, I feel blinded myself sometimes from what I know I should do to the pity and "hope" I have.
I feel I know what needs to be done now, its a matter of follow through. I will do it. I do deserve better.

thank you for your words of reality, there is no way to around actual facts.

steelmagnolia

So sorry dear...I agree with suki! He is running wild as an active addict of drug and possibly even sex. Change the locks and save yourself. No one can ever know when or even if...he will choose to seek help. The raggedy ride is not worth the price you will end up paying! There is absolutely and I mean absolutely nothing you can do to fix him! He is making an obvious and painful choice...care more for yourself! Good love...mags

LoveMeNow

Dear Ahugz,

I stayed, many of us did! We wouldn't listen, our addict was "special," our love was "special." We just knew we could save them. And we were all wrong. Each and every one of us.

You think leaving is hard now? Wait until you hit rock bottom too, the pieces you have to put back together will look and feel like boulders. Many of us almost "died" because we thought we knew better. The pain and depression you will experience will leave you almost paralyzed.

Please love yourself, realize now this is HIS issue, don't get stuck in HIS quick sand. This relationship is NOT love. Its ugly and destructive...any you will pay dearly if you stay.

It's your journey...its you choice, I pray you make the right choice. I can no more make you leave, then you can make him clean. Addicts are NOT capable of loving you but they are extremely capable of lusing you, lying to you, manipulating you and destroying you. But in the end, you can't blame him....it was your choice to stay or leave!

Keep reading here, go to NA/Al-anon meetings and find your truth and strength to make a healthy life for yourself.

lesliej

as an alcoholic I felt like I had a monkey on my back, my ex...a crack addict...told me about his 600 pound gorilla

as an alcoholic I had my demons to deal with, my ex...a crack addict...told me about his dealing with the devil.

I hope you will listen and take to heart the worst of the above posts...listen to the worst because you are dealing with THE WORST

you are in trouble, you are hanging out with someone who is hanging out with the devil...seriously. maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe...if he comes back and has a year or more clean...maybe then. I wouldn't listen. I thought I was smart enough, had recovery myself and had the insight, did an absolutely insane amount of research...seriously OBSESSED with making it work.

you won't let go and save yourself until you're ready to do it.
I should have known when my ex told me that both of his ex-wives from the past had had their families do interventions to get their daughters away from him.

and you know what? he's smart and beautiful and kind...but he is an addict dicking around with the devil and all of the cohorts (co-whores)

RUN
RUN
RUN

people told me this two years ago and I didn't. now I have finally detached

Vale

..listen to lesliej! We ALL thought we were special,the hero,the one that could
break through! Like an football lineman that wants to go one-on-one head on
with a FREIGHT TRAIN.
He may be big,bad,top of his game......but it's a SLAUGHTER.He is in PIECES all
over the county ... and the train slows down .000003 mph!

THAT is a visual that best characterizes the addict/codie mismatch.

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR. This is a great forum. Everyone here loves someone who is addicted.

I understand how desperately you want to save this man. I've been there twice. Once with a husband and once with my son. As I look back on leaving my XAH, that was easy in comparison to letting go of my AS. That doesn't mean it was easy......it was just easy in comparison.

With both of them, I thought that my love was enough to fix the problem. I thought that I could get through to them. I thought that my "powers of persuasion" were strong enough to get them to see what was happening. I couldn't accept that their addiction was way more powerful than me. And I fought hard......I was in a tug-o-war......and I was losing. I was being pulled into the depths of a living hell.

I have experienced denial. I have experienced the desire to save my loved ones. Eventually, I realized that I had to save myself.

I found help in Nar-anon and Al-Anon. I found support there. I found others who shared something in common with me who were trying to survive as they recovered from the devastation that loving an addict brings into lives. I found hugs. I found hope. And the first slogan that grabbed my attention was.......a variation on "let go and let God".....it was "let go or be dragged". The visual that provided was just what I needed.

I hope you stick around. There's a lot to learn about addiction and codependency. We are very big on self care around here. Take care of you.

You are not alone.

gentle hugs
ke

hope213

welcome to S.R. there is so much information here for you. read all the stickys at the top of the forum. your b.f. does not want help to get off the drugs,he wants the help to keep using. i know how hard this is for you & how much a person can love an addict & how they THINK the person can not get clean with out them. the truth is, an addict is a liar!! they will tell u anything they think u want to hear & what will make u feel guilty so they can keep using you. i hope u read around & keep coming back. find a meeting. we r all here for you. i feel your pain. prayers,

ItIsAboutTime

This is so true but one of the hardest things to wrap my head around. I am so glad I found this site - every time I start to feel swayed by my AH's manipulation - he's different, he's stronger, there's no way he he can do this if I leave - I come on here and read the stories of others. The whole time I thought it was just his PTSD - now I realize the lying, the stealing, all of it was really the addiction. He is not special, he is an addict and he is doing what all addicts do.

I agree that now is the time to get out. It will be hard but it is a lot harder when you have kids, a house, a marriage (both emotionally and legally). I have only recently decided I have had enough and am starting to leave but I'm finding that this is a process for us too - we have our own recoveries to manage - we can't be responsible for them too.