ItIsAboutTime

It started with the lies. Little inconsistencies here and there, seemingly insignificant details coming to light revealing weeks of half-truths and full out lies. Once-in-a-million coincidences happening to one person a million times. I knew he was buying pain pills, I knew he ran out of his prescriptions way too early. Money kept going missing. Every time a new lie came to the surface, I screamed, I threatened to leave if things didn't change. I packed up the kids and left so many times. But as soon as I left he'd be the voice of reason, maybe I did overreact, maybe it isn't as bad as it seems - after all, aside from the lies I can never tell he's taking anything - he seems so normal, and actually he's nicer when he has a new prescription.

I think I either didn't want to see it or I started to expect it as a way of life and became numb to it. I wanted to believe that it was all part of his PTSD from being in Iraq, that the VA and counselling would help him fix it. I live with a permanent knot in my stomach and always on edge - what am I going to find out next? I found out he had conned friends and family into lending him over $35,000 over 18 months and I had no idea because he had nothing to show for it. I cancelled my debit card so he wouldn't have the number and he activated my new one and stole $1100 before I found out the card even came in. Every time I told him it was his last chance and he would look me in the eyes and swear he would never lie to me again. And each time it would take less and less time before I found out something else.

We took a trip to FL to see my family for spring break hoping a change of scenery would be nice. I thought I had made it clear that I was not okay with him buying pills from drug dealers but I was okay with him taking pills as prescribed (I felt sorry for him - he says he has nerve damage in his leg from shrapnel in Iraq and that he has chronic pain which he says can look like addiction but is completely different). He saw this as his opportunity to see a fresh set of doctors with no records of his requests for pills. We got there on Saturday and he went to ER for "sciatic nerve pain" and got 15 5mg percocets. On Tuesday he had a tooth pulled at the dentist's office where my sister works and got 20 more of the same. On Thursday afternoon he went back to the dentist complaining about pain in the tooth next to the one that was pulled and got 30 7.5mgs. On Friday morning he had 6 left that were gone by the afternoon. On Sunday on the drive back he said his tooth pain was so bad we had to stop for the night so he could go to the ER and he got 15 more. We have no insurance and I've been trying to file bankruptcy but I can't save $10 with him around let alone the $1700 it takes, plus he'll just keep running up medical bills. I realized that this is what my life is going to be like if I stay. No saving for anything and always trying to find the real truth behind what he tells me.

I decided I wanted to end this relationship last week when things were calm. Usually I only take off in the midst of a fight so I think he knew I was serious. He started his normal guilt trip - I'm a quitter, I'm giving up on this family. I told him in this state we have to be separated 1 year before they'll grant a divorce. He can either use that time to get his life together, get clean, and prove he can be financially responsible or he can wallow in his own misery and end up dead or in jail. He promised to check himself into rehab this morning. I knew he would come up with some excuse but I was still hurt when he did - I was holding out hope that he would actually follow through this time. I found this site and read some really great posts that hit home. One was about how to tell if they're lying. It made me realize that he didn't really want to go - he first said he didn't want my son to be there so he would have a friend take him, then he said he didn't want me to take him because he didn't want the distraction. He used to said he didn't have a pill problem but now he admits he does but says it isn't as bad as I think it is. I think he didn't want me there to tell the doctors the extent of his problem. I think he's still trying to leave the door open to get a regular prescription.

But still, part of me really wants to believe he's telling the truth this time. My cousin, an NA sponsor sober 3 years, says everything coming out of his mouth is a lie. I know it but I don't think I really KNOW it yet. After the excuses about how he wanted to get there, he called and said he wanted to do some stuff around the house since he was going to be gone so long so he would wait until Monday. At that point I went into panic mode. I realize now that even though I knew this would happen I was holding onto that hope.

I quickly packed up the kids and told him I'm going to my dad's for the weekend because I needed to get away from the stress and clear my head. I am absolutely certain in that moment that I am never coming back except to get the rest of my stuff. I felt excited about getting a fresh start without him - getting a job, saving money, and creating a more positive environment for our kids. I know it will be hard but I know it's better than letting things continue as they are. I know this is the best thing, even though I'm 30 and at my dad's house with my kids. So why do I feel like I might waiver?

I have gone back to him so many times. How do I stay strong, especially when he is in a great mood and talking about how he's going to rehab and going to get better for good? I know he's telling me fairy tails but I want that life so bad. But I know if I go back then I'll be stuck with the same things and I'm afraid I'll start to ignore his addiction or accept it as our normal life. I know the kids and I will be so much happier away from all that but why do I keep feeling that tug to go back?

I am afraid that if he goes into treatment and I get my life going in the right direction, if he seems to be better coming out and I take him back then it will be good for a while and then bad again. And I will have just wasted my family's time and resources helping me get away from him. I know both of our families are sick of our back-and-forth and their patience is running out. I'm afraid that if I don't take him back when he gets out then he will have no place to live and no car (his family says they won't help him). If he is really recovering then won't that just push him back into it? How do you know when treatment has really worked and when they just went through the motions?

I would like to think that I'm ready to leave for good this time because even though I want to get my stuff, I have accepted that he might sell everything of value in the house and I was willing to take that risk just to get away. I'm starting to think I'm addicted to drama - I can't just shut off my phone and not engage him. I know I've taken steps in the right direction, but how do I stay strong and not cave? No matter how much of a fight I put up, he always says the right things and makes the right promises but he always gets what he wants. I am so exhausted - part of me wants to stop fighting it and accept that this is how my life is going to be. The other part of me knows that as time passes and I see how good life can be without the drama I will be stronger - but am I going to make it that far? Please help me find ways to stand my ground this time.

YearForMe

What has worked for me is to journal and write down each thing. Drama free...just my own perspective. Somewhat like you did in your post. Number them and go back as far as you can remember.

It seems that when they are in active addiction....one thing happens and we are in drama and crisis and then we are just so relieved that the drama and crisis has settled down...then we start fantasizing.

I know that I can't listen to anything my husband says.....it is all so eloquent when he thinks I've had enough.

You can't make him well. You can't make him get help. You didn't cause this, you can't cure this and you can't control this.

Pick a quiet time and place and work on your list. You might be amazed at how long the list becomes and how far back you can think of things. It will be all right there in black and white.....

Anyway....that is what has helped me to maintain focus. I don't create drama and I don't react to it. When I have my ducks in a row....I will just leave.

LoveMeNow

I could have written most of this post myself. You can stay strong be reading here and going to Al-anon or NA meetings and taking care of YOU. Change can be hard, but I promise you living with an addict is much harder.

Even if he does get clean, the chances of him relapsing are extremely high. He is an addict and is forever changed. The man you married is dead and gone. The chances of a full recovery are slim. That's just the cold hard facts.

You are young, have family support....grab it and run! I so wish I had. Addiction is progressive and your life, your children's life will continue to go down hill.

I know this is NOT what you want to hear, but I am telling you from my own experience and the experience of others I know. Your addict is not special. (A hard one for me to learn.)

I clung to hope for so long. I clung to "the dream" for too long. It's been a living hell, a living nightmare with no hope in sight. And yes, he plays the "I will change" game. They all do. You will hear it all...how he can't live without his family crap. Watch and see what kind of caring father he will become. His money will go for his pills, not his kids - married or not.

Save yourself, save your kids NOW any more heartache.while you can and learn this NOW, you can not save him, you can help him and you can not control his addiction no matter how hard you try. It is HISs disease, only he can decide to change it and for himself and not you or the kids. I learned the hard way, please learn from many of us here.

P.S. He can NEVER take prescribed pain killers again. And abstaining from pills is not the same as recovery. My heart breaks for you and your kids but there is hope and happinees for you in the future, sadly and most probably not with him or for him until he loses everything and then maybe he will want to change and that's a BIG maybe!!!

LoveMeNow

Written by an addict and proved to be true by any addict I have known!!

What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________


Have A Great 24
-jon

LoveMeNow

Read this over and over again until it sinks in! Even my pain pill addicted husband said it's 100% true! This poem blew my mind and left me speachless for hours. I really had NO idea how bad it was until I read this.....

I AM YOUR DISEASE

You know who I am, you’ve called me your friend
Wishes of misery and heartache I send
I want only to see that you’re brought to your knees
I’m the devil inside you, I am your disease.

I’ll invade all your thoughts, I’ll take hostage your soul
I’ll become your new master, in total control
I’ll maim your emotions, I’ll run the whole game
Till your entire existence is crippled with shame

When you call me I come, sometimes in disguise
Quite often I’ll take you by total surprise
But take you I will, and just as you’ve feared
I’ll want only to hurt you, with no mercy spared

If you have your own family, Ill see its destroyed
I’ll steal every pleasure in life you’ve enjoyed
I’ll not only hurt you, I’ll kill if I please
I’m your worst living nightmare, I am your disease

I bring self destruction, but still you can’t tell
I’ll sweep you through heaven, then drop you in hell
I’ll chase you forever, wherever you go
And then when I catch you, you won’t even know

I’ll sometimes lay silent, just waiting to strike
What’s yours becomes mine, cuz I take what I like
I’ll take all you own and I won’t care who sees
I’m your constant companion… I am your disease

If you have any honor, I’ll strip it away
You’ll lose all your hope and forget how to pray
I’ll leave you in darkness, while blindly you stare
I’ll reduce you to nothing, and won’t even care

So, don’t take for granted my powers sublime
I’ll bend and I’ll break you, time after time
I’ll crumble your world with the greatest of ease
I’m that madman inside you…I am your disease

But today I’m real angry…you want to know why?
I let all in recovery, entirely slip by
How did I lose you? Where did I go wrong?

One minute I had you…then next you were gone

You just can’t dismiss all the good times we’ve shared
When you were alone…wasn’t it I who appeared?
When you sold those possessions you knew you would need
Wasn’t I the first one who stepped in and agreed

Now look at you bastards, you’re all thinking clear
You escaped with your lives when you found your way here
Only fools think they’re winners when admitting defeat
It’s what you must say when you’re claiming that seat

Go ahead and surrender, if that’s what you choose
But, I’m not giving up. cuz I can’t stand to lose
So stand in your groups and support hand in hand
Better choices will save you…leaving me to be damned

Well, be damned all you people seeking treatment each week
Be damned inner strength, however unique
Be damned all your sayings, be damned your cliches
Be damned every addict, who back to me strays

For I know it will happen, I’ve seen it before
Those who love misery will crawl back for more
So take comfort in knowing, I’m waiting right here
But next time around, you’d just better beware

You think that you’re stronger or smarter this time’
There isn’t a mountain or hill you can’t climb
Well if that’s what you’re thinkin, you ain’t learned a thing
I’ll still knock you silly if you step back in my ring

But you say you’ve surrendered, so what can I do?
It’s so sad in a way, I had big plans for you
Creating your nightmare for me was a dream
I’m sure gonna miss you…we made quite a team

So please don’t forget me, I won’t forget you
I’ll stand by your side watching all that you do
I’m ready and waiting, so call if you please
I won’t let you forget me…I am your disease

ItIsAboutTime

This is so true. I'm definitely going to start that list - when I listen to him I really want to believe his out-there explanations are true but when he stops talking I remember the feeling of deja vu because he's said everything before I saw how that has always turned out. I'm trying to remain vague and not commit to anything (like "yes, I'll be here when you get out of rehab"). Putting my phone on silent and not jumping to respond to every text has helped too. I deal with him on my time and when I'm the least vulnerable to his con-artist ways.

ItIsAboutTime

That statement really hit home! I can tell he's already overconfident and not being realistic about how hard this will be. When I'm in the middle of his bs I really want to be confident with him but I kept your words in the back of my head. I get he impression that he's going to start feeling better and declare himself cured instead of going through the whole treatment. Even now, he's texting me expecting me to be proud he hasn't bought any pills and he's going through horrible withdrawals - yet he still says he's not going to leave until Sunday. If he truly is ready to get help wouldn't that be the priority instead of whatever he's trying to get done around the house? He says his 2 friends are being really supportive - yes, the same 2 friends he trades pills with on a regular basis.

I'm not sure how much percocet it would take to kill a normal person, but his tolerance is so high I'm sure as much as he's used to would probably be close to that level. I told him that in treatment they would be able to give him something to ease his withdrawals, that he didn't have to do it alone, that his friends were not medical professionals but he insists on doing it his own way. I still hope he'll go as planned but it's getting harder for me to believe him (time and distance do great things!).

For now, I'm going to focus my energy on taking care of myself and the kids, on making my life so fabulous he will have do to so much to prove he's worth my time because I will never get dragged back into that life again. I am going to stay with my dad until he checks into rehab. If he never does then I'm staying here. Whatever happens, I'm not sitting around waiting for him to get it together. I'm moving forward and he'll have a lot of catching up to do without my help. I'm also going to start going to Nar-Anon meetings - it will be nice to meet people who have been through this FTF.

Thank you all so much for your responses!

LoveMeNow

Your very welcome. I hope and pray you can be true to your word for YOUR sake as well as your kids. I struggled with being true to mine. Remember addicts are great liars and manipulators. In most case, they know us better than we know ourselves. He will play on every raw emotion you have. He will look you in the eyes and lie over and over again. He will swear on his own kids lives. He will stoop to new lows every time that will leave you so heart broken and confused.

IMO, there is no way his isn't taking pills. He would be sick and misrable. You can read about it on here, people actually withdrawing and will describe their symptoms. Ha, he wouldn't be working around the house. I bet I could tell you verbatim what his texts say!

Phase II, enter suboxone! The miracle drug!! It will get him clean once and for all. Yes, and I have a bridge to sell you too. Please don't be that naive, like I was!!

I am sorry for being so blunt, so cold and so harsh. I have lived it and am finally getting out. The wake of destruction he left behind is indescribable. I wish some one had been so brutally honest with me a few years ago. Although I am not sure I would have listened. I hung on to the dream, the man he was, false hope, empty promises, and manipulation until everything was gone and I am left to pick up the pieces.

Addiction is ugly, there is NO quick fix, and no cure. Your love can not save him. He has to want to change, and really do the hard work. And even then, relaspes are very common.

Continue to read here and attend meetings. It will really open your eyes. Get YOU healthy first and foremost! But please know HE is not special, your relationship is not special and your love is not special enough. Those thoughts kept me sucked in....that and fear. My husband, to date, still makes plenty of money, but he is an active addict. He still trying to manipulate me and sell me his BS. We have lost our home and he has lost his family. That's the life of an addict! And I finally get that!! He was not special and I could NOT love him clean, sober and healthy! I am and always was powerless over his addiction!