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Old 04-26-2012, 09:49 AM
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Help friends!

I need your advice and I am openly asking for it, so feel free to share your thoughts. My RAH has been home from rehab right at 5 weeks. His DOC is cocaine, not that it really matters I guess? Well, it sort of does because cocaine isn't cheap and he was doing it the entire 8 years I have been with him. I still don't really understand where he got the money from, but he owns a business (with a partner) and I suppose had plenty of opportunity. Anyway, he seems to be doing ok. He works very hard at his job. He ALWAYS "worked alot" which was when he did his using, so now that he's really working alot, I struggle with that sometimes.

But I am writing because I am struggling with alot of things. I feel like I am getting depressed maybe because I am finally wrapping my head around all that just happened. You see, I did not know my husband used drugs so all of this came as a total shock to me. Now he wants to jump back into life and I still feel like my head is spinning. In addition to that, I don't see any real major changes from the way things were between us before. I felt more connected to him while he was away than I ever have, and now that he is back, that is sort of gone. He says he feels just as in love and committed as he did when he was away, but I am not feeling it. He's never been great at expressing feelings, but the letters he wrote while gone were unbelievable. So now I am thinking he was just homesick, afraid I would leave him. I feel jipped to be honest with you. And we still don't have any extra money which ticks me off thinking about what he spent over the years. Maybe I just needed to get it out......I'm not really sure what I am asking or even how to say it right. I'm just confused, hurt, afraid, angry.....and he's all great and I just don't get it. Thanks for reading.
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Old 04-26-2012, 10:31 AM
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He is focusing on himself, as he should be, because he is in recovery. And you are feeling it. He is not purposely doing it, but his most important focus in his life right now needs to be himself so that he can continue his recovery.

And also, the relationship will change, eventually. You just gotta roll with it. It will get better.
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Old 04-26-2012, 10:38 AM
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I hope things get better for you. My only advice would be to do something nice for yourself and know that it's ok to feel confused, hurt, afraid, angry, etc. We don't always have all the answers, but things will get better with time.
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Old 04-26-2012, 11:16 AM
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I am feeling so much of what you are, even though I can't really explain it. But my issue seems to be more about fear of future relapse than anything.
It's been about 5 months for us too; so maybe it's just some stage that has to be gone through.*

I have no advice but wanted you to know that your not alone with the head-spinning thing.*
*
My now fiancÚ overdosed at Xmas on cocaine.*
That one night was the only time drugs were in my life; but admittedly they were in his past.
Since then he has been doing really well. Following his recovery plan; and looking towards the future. *Things between us are really good also; and I'm so excited about our future and everything we are planning.*

But there is a tiny part of me that can't let go of this fear I have built up over what could happen in the future.**Most of me wants to let that future thought' go (and that's what he also thinks i should do) but this tiny part of me says don't - hold onto it out of some sort of self preservation.*

And I feel so guilty. *It's like I'm at a crossroads and have to pick which way to go. Or like I'm standing on a cliff about to jump into the ocean below- *wanting to be free and knowing it's my choice whatever happens.'
*
So so confusing.*
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Old 04-26-2012, 05:25 PM
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Five weeks is not very long. Is he working on recovery now that he is out of rehab? Rehab is not a magic fix. Addicts have to continue to work on their recovery if they are going to stay clean.

I had a lot of issues of trust with my RABF. He had told me so many lies, and I didn't know what was the truth. It took time--where he was honest and open with me--before I was able to trust him again. He has now been clean for over 2+ years. He still continued to lie for awhile. I guess it was out of habit. Addicts lie, that is part of the illness.

How did I get where I could trust him? It took a long time of him repeatedly being honest to me and other people.
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Old 04-26-2012, 07:47 PM
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I think for someone in a relationship with an addict, they are always going to have that thought in the back of their mind about relapse. If it gets to be too much, then they have to let go. If they can go without worrying about it, then they will be okay. But it's always there.

I guess it's kind of like staying with someone after they cheat on you. Will they do it again? Can you trust them? I mean, it's not really the same, but the fact that the thoughts and doubts and all that remain after the fact is the same.

You can't blame them for relapsing, it is part of the disease. This is where I tell my ABF, you relapse for one night, get up the next morning and start over. Don't think, oh, I screwed up, so I am going to continue to screw up for the next week or whatever until my life falls apart again (it doesn't take him long). Because during that week, I lose all trust I built up, and he has to start all over again to get it back. And he knows it. And he doesn't like it. And the sad thing is, I wouldn't have to deal with this if I wasn't dealing with him. But because I choose to deal with him, I choose to deal with the consequences of losing my trust.
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Old 04-26-2012, 07:59 PM
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Originally Posted by inpieces314 View Post
/snip\
I guess it's kind of like staying with someone after they cheat on you. Will they do it again? Can you trust them? I mean, it's not really the same, but the fact that the thoughts and doubts and all that remain after the fact is the same.
/snip\
Good analogy.

To me, it feels exactly the same.
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Old 04-27-2012, 04:28 AM
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Have you tried meetings and working a recovery program for yourself? Coming here is one good way to heal, but you would find working the steps with a sponsor a process that will help you with all aspects of your life, including finding your balance again here.

I sometimes feel like I am throwing "get to a meeting" at people, but the truth is, it's been a lifesaver for many of us, I know it was for me.

Rehab gives him tools to deal with life without drugs. It doesn't promise to make him a terrific partner, that's up to him and you. Sometimes damage can be mended, sometimes it cannot. Only you can decide if he is bringing as much as you are to your relationship and if this is how you want to live.

Hugs
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Old 04-27-2012, 07:37 AM
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I second Ann's thought - go to AlAnon or NarAnon and focus on yourself, talk about how you're feeling, what you're going through, how you want to live your life, etc.
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Old 04-27-2012, 01:20 PM
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Thanks everyone for your responses! It means alot. Yes, I am very much working my own program and going to meetings as well as counseling with him and by myself. I am in a group therapy "Boundaries" class as well, so I am surrounded by tons of support and putting myself around 'right thinkers', IMO. He is also going to meetings (not as much as me, but I am a bit extreme). I refuse to live the codie life anymore. I have done it all of my life (father was an alcoholic) and now that I know a better way, I am all about it! I am even getting my Master's degree in Professional Counseling starting in the Fall. ALL of that, and I still have those days and deal with insecurity. Just goes to show you what a real 'number' addiction does on a loved one! Thanks for your posts! So very much!
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Old 04-27-2012, 10:20 PM
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Hi gurlie - thanks for writing. I totally hear where you are coming from and sorry you are going through the anxiety you are feeling. I was with my XAH for about 7 years. He went off the "deep end" last year (DOC - cocaine). He went into rehab and then relapsed for 6 months. The difference is I didn't let him come home after rehab....would that have made a difference? I don't know.

I agree with a lot of the posts up here...for me, I couldn't have had him back home. The lies and deception had gone on far too long. I just realized recently (he told me) how much he had been using during our marriage.

I hope you find peace and serenity in your quest for healing. I hope that you both continue to have honest and compassionate dialogue.

Believe me - I know all about the insecurity you mention above. My problem was I lived in the "fear" every day and I decided I couldn't do it any more. It wasn't fair to him, but most of all, it wasn't fair to me.

Good for you on getting your advanced degree - that is fantastic...I am sure we can all learn a lot from you as well.
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