Would you do this?

Old 04-25-2012, 06:10 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Why so worried about her?
It seems to me that you are still being manipulated and controlled by this man.
Why would you be having this conversation with him anyway?
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Old 04-25-2012, 06:12 AM
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Originally Posted by onlyliveonce View Post
Cece I understand their will always be another and another....he's just better not tell me who they are cause if he does he runs the risk of me telling them all I know. He knows I'm a sleuth on the internet He doesn't want his secrets out and one thing abusers must have is for someone to keep their secrets for them to continue. Like I said earlier she hasn't been the first I've warned and the last one got her tail beat too and went to prison right along with him for their crimes. He did one year for CDV on her. I've missed my calling...I should have been a PI....LOL
I appreciate the concern you have for this young woman.....it's much like the concern I have for you. I'm sitting here wondering why you would continue to have any contact with a man who put you through such hell so that he would have the opportunity to tell you anything about who he is currently dating.

The difference between my concern for you and your concern for her is that you have asked for our input, she has not asked for yours.

gentle hugs
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Old 04-25-2012, 06:17 AM
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The contact we have had has been about our son who is going blind and the recent dr. visits he's had. I did not ask him anything about his life.
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Old 04-25-2012, 06:48 AM
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I say this with sincere kindness....I am just a terrible writer.

Example:

You asked for advise....we share our opinions. Has it changed your mind??
This girl hasn't asked, she is already living with him, probably under his "spell" already or she wouldn't be there. She has had to see some red flags already. Do you really think it would help her change her mind?

I think we woman/codies fall into this "I am special," "I can fix him," and "He would never treat me that way, I won't allow it" thinking." Of course, we are usually wrong,

He is 40(?) and she is 24?? Kind of sounds like that's already a red flag on both their parts and I am sure her parents are already concerned. If not, they should be but they still have to let her make her own decisions. like we all have.

Lastly, if her parents find out and take a stand against him....your info runs the risk of isolating her from her family. That's probably exactly what he wants. Just pray for her, pray for him and give it to God. JMO
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Old 04-25-2012, 06:49 AM
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Is he allowed to see his son without court supervision?
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Old 04-25-2012, 08:26 AM
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I have full sole custody. He doesn't see him with or without supervision. Lives about 15 miles from us and doesn't even call him. His loss!!
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Old 04-25-2012, 11:04 AM
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I've been there....done that......wife # 2 didn't listen.

She had to find out for herself. It was part of her journey too, I guess.
Who was I to get in the way of her learning experience here on earth?

If she wants to know....if she recognizes the red flags.....(or the parents).....they will be seeking information on their own.

I can sense that you don't see what the rest of us do....but, you need to drop out of the crazy cycle.
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Old 04-25-2012, 11:58 AM
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I have an experience similar to yours, but amazingly enough, he is not an addict.

My five year old son has a deadbeat father who has never seen him, talked to him, anything, ever. He lives around the corner from me. Trust me, I want it that way, it was hard enough in the beginning, but now that he is trying to get back into my life, I don't want him to. He literally destroyed me.

He has a new wife. Interestingly, she looks kind of like me, he accidentally calls her my name frequently, and he drives the same car I drive, which is not a common car. The new wife knows nothing about me, or what happened between us. Duh. He would have to be a complete dipsh*t to tell her what he did to me.

Anyway. She is trying to get pregnant. Why, exactly, I don't know, because he already has 3 kids, 1 who he has never seen, and he only sees the other two like once a week. I want to tell her what he did to me. I want her to know that I was also a stupid 18 year old who got pulled in by his lies and ended up being completely ripped apart, and nothing will ever fix what he did to me. I don't want some innocent girl to have the same thing done to her.

That said, I know I need to stay out of it. I want her to know what he did, but I don't want him to think that means I want him back or something stupid like that. It is going to hurt my feelings when I find out what he does to her, like guilt because I didn't say something, but I know that if someone would have said something to me like that when I was with him, I wouldn't have believed it. As hard as it is, some lessons need to be learned the hard way.

I know that things happen for a reason, and there is a reason why he did what he did and made me the way I am. I may not know what that reason is, yet, but he changed me. And no matter what anyone would have said, I would have been with him, no matter what, because I was blinded by my love for him.

There is really nothing you should do to save this poor girl. As sure as the sun rises every day, you know that he will do something to her. But in the end, it's going to hurt you if you try to get in the middle of it, because he is going to end up taking it out on you. Whatever she is meant to go through, she is going to go through, regardless of what you have to say or what her parents will say if they find out. You just have to hope that she is strong enough to get through it when it happens. I know that is not a good answer, but it is all I have, although I do know how you feel.
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Old 04-26-2012, 11:10 AM
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Here's my story......my XABF had red flags....I went online, found he was married, not divorced, found he had 3 felony domestic violences, not felony for being in "wrong place at wrong time" like he said, didn't graduate like he said, had 5 dui's not 2 like he said.

Yet I stayed with him. I will say in the 3 years he never once even said a mean word to me, let alone got voilent. And I don't think he ever would, cause believe me, I deserved to be hit on more then one occasion.

Point is, the truth is out there, if she wants to find it she will, and it may not make a difference. This is her journey. She has to see it through, and she will, regardless of what you or anyone else says.
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Old 04-26-2012, 11:36 AM
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Yet I stayed with him. I will say in the 3 years he never once even said a mean word to me, let alone got voilent. And I don't think he ever would, cause believe me, I deserved to be hit on more then one occasion.
This is SUCH a f*cking dangerous statement and a massive huge trigger to me.
NOONE ever has the right to put their hands on another human being. NEVER. Nothing a person says or does means they 'deserve to be hit'.
Once my ex came home and accused me of having an affair with his friend. Claimed he'd watched back the security tapes at his club, where the friend worked, and said I'd obviously been sleeping with him. On arriving home he threw rocks at my windows, phoned my mum, and tried to smash the door down (he had a key, it was our house!). When I opened the door he bounced me off every counter in the kitchen.
I didn't deserve that. Even if I had been having an affair, I still wouldn't have deserved that. Nothing I could have ever done would have earned that. My ex's problem is that he believes that's what I deserve for anything I do wrong. He believes that's what women deserve in general. In his eyes women, especially spouses, are there to be raped and beaten.
Why do you believe that?
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Old 04-26-2012, 12:20 PM
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Sorry I triggered you.......I didn't mean it in the literal sense...I just meant if he still had a propensity for violence, he would have unleashed it at me on more than one occasion.
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Old 04-26-2012, 12:47 PM
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Lg&lg
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Old 04-26-2012, 12:53 PM
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Sorry to disagree with everyone, but I would want to be tipped off about a monster if I were the 24 y.o.

I think I would tip her family off anonymously. Some people should come with a warning label. Tip off, then MYOB. Permanently. And only tip off true facts capable of being confirmed in public records - not opinions, speculation, or your own fears, etc. Good luck.
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Old 04-26-2012, 02:33 PM
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I think it is time for you to let go of him. It sounds like he still has your attention.

As you said, this is public knowledge. So, if the gf or family wanted to know, they would look it up.
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Old 04-26-2012, 04:28 PM
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If you spend your time warning his current dating partner about his past how will you ever enjoy your life? You need to move on with YOUR life and leave him BEHIND. If he is as horrible as you describe, shouldn't you cut all contact with him?

Although you might think you are doing her good by informing her, really you are fueling something inside you. There is a reason why you feel this need to be so invested in the women he dates, perhaps spend some time finding out why you can't put him behind you and why you invest your time in contacting his girlfriends.

Everyone needs to make their own decisions, learn their own life lessons, and choose who to be with. If you contact her parents you could cause a family blow out that could sever a parent daughter relationship for ever. That might seem drastic but your "good deed" could turn this woman's life upside.

Please put him in your past and concentrate on your present. Living in the past is no way to live.

*Adalie
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Old 04-27-2012, 05:40 PM
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Being as I have been in a abusive relationship and looked at it from every angle, I honestly believe that you should send that in for to her parents or close friends but leave ur address off of it. I agree that nothing you say or do can make the poor girl change her mind, but I you can warn the loved ones in her life maybe they won't dismiss a black on or multiple bruises on "the door" like so many of mine did. My own mother never caught on to the abuse while I lived with her. I had multiple black eyes, bruises all over, bruises around my neck constantly and 2 torn rotator cuffs and the people I was closest with never even knew. I look back and think if maybe one of them had come forward and said "I can physically see what he's done to you and you don't have to live like this" maybe I wouldn't have endured so much violence and hate.

So that being said, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do something. I don't know how anyone can sit back and say do nothing for this girl. I might even send her a small note that says something like I'm here if you need help. You might just be saving someones life and to me thats not considered butting in. And if it all goes to hell and you get nothing accomplished, then at least you can say you tried and not feel guilty. Good luck.
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