yez5

My AH emailed me again. No surprise. He wants contact with me and the kids. He actually asked me if he could take my son to the movies. Well I answered back and maybe I wrote too much. But I feel that he never hears what I am saying or only takes the parts he wants to use against me. I basically told him that just because he is in an outpatient program for a month does not erase everything he has done and that I do not trust him and do not feel safe around him. And I told him that seeing his son know would only make matters worse because it would ruin all the progress I have made with him and his suffering due to this. I rambled in the email I am sure, I was so upset. But he answered with a you have to forget the past and work on the future, that it would be better if we did it together. That ignoring him won't fix the problem. That I should see the therapist where he is because they could help me deal with my resentment! That he can't control what I can do about our relationship but he has every right to see his children. I don't like to make decisions when I feel backed to a wall but he makes me nervous and I the thought that he can do something about the kids makes my stomach hurt. I am still in the first stages of my therapy. I am nowhere near a happy place and he is asking for too much. I don't know what to do and my hands are shaking. I have a therapist appointment tomorrow. I don't know what to do!

zoso77

Of course he said forget the past. I've heard that one before on more than one occasion, too.

You have the right to do what's best for you and your children. It's that simple. If you think it's too soon for you to have contact with your AH, then it's too soon. Set a boundary and hold it. If your AH can't deal with it, that's his problem, not yours.

You have the right to your own health, your own wellness, your own piece of mind. So, do what you have to do to get healthy.

ZoSo

LoveMeNow

I agree with Anvil and Zoso on all points.

I am learnng that I don't have to react immediately and that feels good but takes practice!! lol

GoldfishSyn

This part stuck out to me because I have so been there! I used to try to explain explain explain everything to my AH, because I like things to be explained to me. Then I read once that addicts stop maturing the day they take their first hit. And I realized that I had been arguing and trying to rationalize with a teenager for years and years!! Although in his 30's my AH's emotional maturity is that of a teenager's. This was a profound breakthrough for me, and I'm hoping will be helpful to you as well.

Other than that, all I can say is hang in there and trust your instincts. If you feel it is too soon then it is, and the fact that you can feel that means you are making serious progress. Don't let him talk you down - no is a complete sentence. Sometimes I think that when we try to explain ourselves too much it just opens the door for them to push back. Sometimes you just have to say no.

I'm glad you are putting your son first. You are a wonderful mother and you know what's best for him.

FindingJoy

IMO just like my RXAB and many other addicts, he wants life to be an etch and sketch where with a few shakes the slate is wined clean again and again and again regardless of the mess they caused.

Was thing is us Codie's allow them to wipe the slate clean many times...IMO they think nothing of it just like a child and we are left with mess and memories.

He is so early in his recovery that he still wants it HIS way on HIS. Terms and HIS timeframe. Without consideration for you or HIS son. Everything is still about HIM. You are so early in your recovery that it isn't in your best interest to expose yourself or your son to him.

My RXAB is 7.5 months sober and in a program...really about 90% of the time it's still all about him. This is a character defect of his that will probably never go away and is very toxic.

LoveMeNow

I read here (sorry but I forget who wrote it) that the word NO is a complete sentence. Just think if you had only replied "NO" - just the one word, nothing else. Just NO!!

Such a little word was so much power!

yez5

I should have just said NO! But I had this mental hiccup that was driving me to over explain as usual when it comes to him. And as "Usual" nothing came of it. All of a sudden he sounds like a motivational speaker and is telling me what I need to do to get better and that I have too many anger issues. Really?!

outtolunch

Have you considered court supervised visitation, paid for by him?

yez5

This is one of my major problems that I am dealing with. Coming to terms that I would have to use the law to take care of all this. To accept the fact that it is a real possibility. My sisters tell me I need to think about it. I am having such a terrible time with this part of it. Once that decision is made there is no turning back.

LoveMeNow

Oh I know exactly what you are talking about.

But I am in the process of learning to just say NO. No explanations, just NO! And like I said..it takes practice, strength and courage. It's not easy, it means letting go of my control issues as well but the end result is worth every bit of it. It takes all that anxiety ad wasted effort away.

When I say no, I don't allow myself to feel bad, mean or guilty. I say not and let it go.

P.S. I used to even struggle with saying NO to my kids. It would bother me more then it did them. Making progress one baby step at time though!

outtolunch

Once he became addicted to cocaine, there was no turning back.

His choice was a game changer.

LoveMeNow

Have you identified what that fear is?

yez5

I think what I am afraid of is finally saying that it is over and leaving him for good. Turning my back on the years of being together. Of the time and work and pain I put into us being for nothing. Of the chance that I leave him and he gets better and moves on.

Kindeyes

I'm sure that I'm considerably older than you so I have more history to look back on (lol). But I truly believe that nothing is "for nothing". There are always lessons learned or forks in the road or enlightenment that happens from all of our experiences.....good and bad.

Many of the things that have happened in my life that seemed catastrophic at the time, turned out to have a blessing hidden somewhere. Not perfection, but a blessing of some kind.

Our experiences, struggles, failures, successes, joys and sorrows....are never for nothing.

One day at a time.

gentle hugs
ke

LoveMeNow

Oh Yez5, I really understand your conflict.

My husband is really pushing to come home again. I am not ready at all and in my opinion, either is he. So in this case, I am having an issue with saying NO..so I just don't say anything at all. (which is still progress for me).

I know I will not let him back yet but it still scares me. But what scares me more, if going back to what was. The lying, manipulation and lack of trust of the man I share my life with. I won't do that again! I can't!

I am not ready to let go but I know I have a lot more work to do on myself. I am just scared to tell him NO and what the results from that might be. If he moves on...how painful will that be for me? But if he really loves me, he will be patient.

He has HIS his own recovery to work on, and I still see him trying to manipulate me into thinking he is "better." Sadly, I believed that too many times in the past only to allow him to hurt and disappoint me and our family over and over again.

I know "they" say a year...but I am willing to compromise to 6 months! Not sure if that is right either. But what I will make it mandatory is a going to counseling, an unbiased - tell it like it is - councelor...not our Pastor. That was a mistake!!

Charon

Absolutely NOT! It is his past to deal with and make amends for. He's just looking for a free "get out of jail card".

IMO you need to be preemptive, proactive rather than reactive. As manipulative as he is you can't afford to let him get the upper hand legally. You can always back off if you feel it's appropriate. If he get's a court order you have a huge uphill battle. Putting you son into a situation where he would manipulate to turn your son against you is not in your son's best interest. There is more than you to consider here.