So what the heck is denial anyway?
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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So what the heck is denial anyway?
This is an invitation to all of those who have been in recovery for a long time to describe their thoughts on denial. What is it? What does it look like? Of course, someone who is currently sitting in denial.....is in denial.....so it's pretty hard to describe but they can feel free to post as well.
I believe that denial was my way of protecting myself.....for a long while. I wasn't ready to face the reality of the situation with my son's addiction. Denial kept me thinking that everything was ok or it was going to be alright. He was just in a "phase". My son helped keep me in denial to protect his addiction. Minimizing the severity of his addiction or activities related to his addiction was comforting to me......for a while.
As evidence mounted, I became a bit more uncomfortable with my denial. That initial layer of denial started to make me squirm so I peeled off the first layer by admitting that there was definitely a problem. But I still failed to see that I was a part of it. HE had a problem. There was some relief in admitting that at that time. I was comfortable in this new layer of denial.
I then began to try to "fix" the problem. Still unable to see my part in the problem, I just knew that I could help him. And I began to do so with an energy that was amazing. I could do this. I began to gather information. I read everything I could get my hands on. Curing this disease would take a lot of "know how" so I armed myself with information. That was my new layer of denial.
As each of my efforts failed to get him clean and sober, another layer of denial would peel back exposing a new, slightly smaller, layer of denial.
No one could just grab me up and pull all of those layers off at once. My denial was as strong (if not stronger who knows) than my son's addiction. And people who tried to simply tell me what to do to peel those layers off all at once were met with hostility. Why? Because yanking all those layers off all at one time was simply too painful. I needed to hear what they had to say but I just wasn't ready.....yet.
It has taken me a very long time to work through my denial. A VERY long time and I hope that I am walking with my eyes open so that I don't fall into the pit of denial again. But that's very optimistic. I'm sure that life will deal me another challenge sometime down the line and I'll need that cloak of denial for a while until my heart, mind, and spirit is strong enough to peel those layers off.
gentle hugs
ke
I believe that denial was my way of protecting myself.....for a long while. I wasn't ready to face the reality of the situation with my son's addiction. Denial kept me thinking that everything was ok or it was going to be alright. He was just in a "phase". My son helped keep me in denial to protect his addiction. Minimizing the severity of his addiction or activities related to his addiction was comforting to me......for a while.
As evidence mounted, I became a bit more uncomfortable with my denial. That initial layer of denial started to make me squirm so I peeled off the first layer by admitting that there was definitely a problem. But I still failed to see that I was a part of it. HE had a problem. There was some relief in admitting that at that time. I was comfortable in this new layer of denial.
I then began to try to "fix" the problem. Still unable to see my part in the problem, I just knew that I could help him. And I began to do so with an energy that was amazing. I could do this. I began to gather information. I read everything I could get my hands on. Curing this disease would take a lot of "know how" so I armed myself with information. That was my new layer of denial.
As each of my efforts failed to get him clean and sober, another layer of denial would peel back exposing a new, slightly smaller, layer of denial.
No one could just grab me up and pull all of those layers off at once. My denial was as strong (if not stronger who knows) than my son's addiction. And people who tried to simply tell me what to do to peel those layers off all at once were met with hostility. Why? Because yanking all those layers off all at one time was simply too painful. I needed to hear what they had to say but I just wasn't ready.....yet.
It has taken me a very long time to work through my denial. A VERY long time and I hope that I am walking with my eyes open so that I don't fall into the pit of denial again. But that's very optimistic. I'm sure that life will deal me another challenge sometime down the line and I'll need that cloak of denial for a while until my heart, mind, and spirit is strong enough to peel those layers off.
gentle hugs
ke
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Kindeyes - wow, great post.
I am still peeling the layers so I am not completely out of denial..YET!! The first few layers were the hardest for me.
But what I do know, FEAR was the main contributing emotion that kept me in that dark, ugly and yet somewhat comfortable place I can now call denial!
I also know that "waking up and growing up" is a journey I have started and look forward to each and every day.
I am still peeling the layers so I am not completely out of denial..YET!! The first few layers were the hardest for me.
But what I do know, FEAR was the main contributing emotion that kept me in that dark, ugly and yet somewhat comfortable place I can now call denial!
I also know that "waking up and growing up" is a journey I have started and look forward to each and every day.
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Throughout my entire life, I'd conveniently deny my personal issues when it meant doing the hard work. I previously wasted a lot of money and time in therapy. I never considered myself emotionally lazy but realized I was. I didn't want to do the work, I wanted to whine.
I denied being powerless over my daughter because I saw her as reflection and extension of myself. My ego couldn't handle it.
I denied being powerless over my daughter because I saw her as reflection and extension of myself. My ego couldn't handle it.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I can so relate to the emotionally lazy, not wanting to the hard work and just whine.
But once I started to peel the layers as Kindeyes described it, I started to feel a little stronger. I am sure I wont feel "better" every day, but I do right now....and that is change enough for me at this moment. I am actually looking forward to some self awareness, self care and healthy thinking, its been way too long!
But once I started to peel the layers as Kindeyes described it, I started to feel a little stronger. I am sure I wont feel "better" every day, but I do right now....and that is change enough for me at this moment. I am actually looking forward to some self awareness, self care and healthy thinking, its been way too long!
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Good post Kindeyes.
I remember reading years ago that denial serves a purpose (like you said above). Denial is the mechanism that protects me from the reality of the situation because I just am not ready to face it yet. My higher power (whom i choose to call God) brings me out of denial as I am strong enough to handle it. I really do try not to get down on myself a lot for being in denial about my son's drug use.
I assume i am in denial regarding other areas of my life and don't see the reality of things yet.
I remember reading years ago that denial serves a purpose (like you said above). Denial is the mechanism that protects me from the reality of the situation because I just am not ready to face it yet. My higher power (whom i choose to call God) brings me out of denial as I am strong enough to handle it. I really do try not to get down on myself a lot for being in denial about my son's drug use.
I assume i am in denial regarding other areas of my life and don't see the reality of things yet.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 178
Oh yes, denial! Something I lived in for many years, and still do to some degree. For me denial felt like hope - I hoped for the best, I saw things in a positive light, I ignored my strongest gut feelings for as long as I could. I imagined an ending like in the movies where suddenly the one that I loved would wake up one day and think "What am I doing to myself and to milo88? I'm going to turn our lives around."
I saw us living on a farm talking about the bad old days and laughing about it. I imagined all the doomsayers having to eat their words. I thought we'd show them.
It didn't work out that way. Denial does protect you from what you don't want to know, but I kick myself these days because denial also stopped me from being stronger earlier, and if I had been maybe he'd still be here now
I saw us living on a farm talking about the bad old days and laughing about it. I imagined all the doomsayers having to eat their words. I thought we'd show them.
It didn't work out that way. Denial does protect you from what you don't want to know, but I kick myself these days because denial also stopped me from being stronger earlier, and if I had been maybe he'd still be here now
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
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What qualifies as a "long time" in terms of recovery?
For me, I was denial about my AXGF's behavior, and about how serious her drug problem was. In her case, she's also a Borderline Personality...as severe as it gets. Her actions and her words simply didn't add up. And the times when she'd have some sort of acting out, I'd tell myself, just get through this and things would get better.
But they never did. In fact, things got worse. Dealing with an addict is hard enough. Fold Borderline Personality Disorder into that mix? Run away. Run away as fast as you can.
I've kept a journal for a couple of years now. When I went back to read all about her behavior, combined with email correspondence with my clinician and my own research into drug addiction and BPD, I knew I was dealing with a very sick woman. But I allowed her to charm me one last time...and those of you who have followed my posts know how THAT turned out.
And that was my own doing. For I was in denial. She said she was really working her program. Well, whatever "program" that is or was, it's not in the spirit of NA, AA, or anything that stresses personal accountability.
The biggest takeaways from this center around denial. If my inner alarms are going off, it's usually with good reason, and to be in denial about that is essentially giving license to the other person, in my case AXGF, to do their worst towards you. There is no way in hell I'm going to allow that to happen again.
Still, strangely, I don't regret going through any of this. It's made me stronger, more compassionate, and grateful for the people and things I do have in my life.
ZoSo
For me, I was denial about my AXGF's behavior, and about how serious her drug problem was. In her case, she's also a Borderline Personality...as severe as it gets. Her actions and her words simply didn't add up. And the times when she'd have some sort of acting out, I'd tell myself, just get through this and things would get better.
But they never did. In fact, things got worse. Dealing with an addict is hard enough. Fold Borderline Personality Disorder into that mix? Run away. Run away as fast as you can.
I've kept a journal for a couple of years now. When I went back to read all about her behavior, combined with email correspondence with my clinician and my own research into drug addiction and BPD, I knew I was dealing with a very sick woman. But I allowed her to charm me one last time...and those of you who have followed my posts know how THAT turned out.
And that was my own doing. For I was in denial. She said she was really working her program. Well, whatever "program" that is or was, it's not in the spirit of NA, AA, or anything that stresses personal accountability.
The biggest takeaways from this center around denial. If my inner alarms are going off, it's usually with good reason, and to be in denial about that is essentially giving license to the other person, in my case AXGF, to do their worst towards you. There is no way in hell I'm going to allow that to happen again.
Still, strangely, I don't regret going through any of this. It's made me stronger, more compassionate, and grateful for the people and things I do have in my life.
ZoSo
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
Very good thread.
I've worked on facing reality and coming out of denial but have my moments of slipping back. Ever see the commercial for Abilify where that little cloud follows the woman around? Sorta like that, lol.
I gain a sense of peace when I let go and let God.
All this has taken a long time; a slow learner and a stubborn woman I am.
I've worked on facing reality and coming out of denial but have my moments of slipping back. Ever see the commercial for Abilify where that little cloud follows the woman around? Sorta like that, lol.
I gain a sense of peace when I let go and let God.
All this has taken a long time; a slow learner and a stubborn woman I am.
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Location: Alabama
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I have been back and forth on denial seeing I started with an AS then 2 AS and then AH later. Not sure what my current denial is with AH... I know in the past I was scared if I admitted my sons were addicted I felt I had failed as a mother.
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