vaya

My son got arrested last Saturday. I knew it was coming and I even tried to prevent it by getting him into a hospital to get it together. Called the Access PET team the night before he got arrested, but they didn't think he was enough of a danger to himself to be taken in and because he had started mental healthservices and had prescriptions to calm him down.

Next day, after much chaos, screaming at home, disturbing neighbors, etc....I actually wound up giving him some money just so he'd leave and not disturb the neighbors anymore. How sick is that??!!! Didn't tell him he should use themoney for drugs...but that was his choice.

Anyway, he lost it over a lost pack of cigarettes and the possibility that he lost his I-pod shuffle.....hit himself with a skateboard on the head....police came....and that was that.

It was all his own doing.

Since then, the possibiility of his going to a program to do his time has surfaced, albeit at the place where I work, which is a rehab place. Go figure!! AGain it's kind of up to me whether or not they send a letter to his attorney telling her they are willing to accept him as a transferred custody case....Been searching my soul and praying for an answer. Why, especially when I have the ultimate opportunity for detachment, does it keep coming back into my hands??


I may suggest they put the paperwork through, but not without going to a few more meeting to share on the topic.

I did offer my AS rehab, hospitalization andmore to help him stop the insanity and get it together. Now, of course he wants it when he's looking at 8months in county jail.

No, his case wasn't handled right, etc.....but, I don't want to control the outcome of things. Maybe 8 months will help him realize 'the error of his ways'. They do have some groups there and he is receiving some basic kind of psychiatric care, at least in the form of consultation and meds.

I'm glad I didn't bail him out as he pleaded with me to do. Not sure if he'd really get it in rehab again. Don't really believe that jail time is particularly rehabilitative either.
I could push for the rehab for him, but he could, and might blow it again.

It's only 8 days since he last used and I'm not sure if it's him or the addict talking right now.l
Help!

suki44883

Perhaps you should just stay out of it and let the chips fall where they may. As you said, this is all his doing, and he NEEDS to face the consequences. Of course, jail or rehab doesn't guarantee a thing. But, the fact is, you cannot love him clean and you cannot continue to enable him. You have been miserable for a long, long time and it is all because of him. I say let the powers that be decide what is to be done with him and you take this time to restore some sanity to your home.

dollydo

This has been going on for a long time and your "helping" in the past has done nothing positive for HIM to Get HIMSELF on the right track.

Leave it alone, the HP has a plan for him, get out of the HPs way, let it unfold.

EJG123

Yes you should just let go.

vaya

Thank you. That is my gut feeling. REhab didn't help him before and I offered the same program to him when he was using. Now that he's lost his freedom I believe he'd say yes to anything just to get out, even if he's in custody in treatment. Maybe he needs to take a while in jail to realize a change needs to be made. I pray he comes to that realization and has the will to see it through.
His absence is already helping me to see the insanity of my ways. I'm going to Alanon meetings now and will continue to learn and learn to let go and let God.

Kindeyes

Vaya
We all do what our hearts can handle at any given time. Sometimes.....if we have to ask the question.......we already know the answer but we just want someone to tell us that it's the right thing to do. We just want someone to tell us that we aren't evil people. When we stop trying to orchestrate the outcome, there is a feeling of loss that is so profound that it cannot be described.

Letting go of my son has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. Discomfort doesn't come close to describing the feelings I have. And I struggle with it every single day. I hope that someday it will get easier but right now.....it's pretty tough. I use to pray to God that my son would wind up in jail but I've stopped praying for that. I now just pray that God will do whatever He needs to do and I will accept whatever outcome that is.

You and your dear son will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke

JMFburns

I remember clearly a couple years ago in December, I had a week of vacation that I had to take but didn't want to because my work was the only place my AS could get a hold of me . . . how would he survive? how would I know he was ok? how would I get $ to him? I was frantic and in tears that I was being forced to take a week off.

Lo and behold, over the 1st weekend my AS got himself arrested . . . 1st I was so thankful because he was safe, had a roof over his head, would be getting meals, etc., 2nd I was thrilled because he couldn't beg/plead for money!!! I got on the phone and tried to contact every person of authority I could come up to let them know they shouldn't release my son, he was a drug addict with a problem that needed help. Didn't do any good, he was released quickly . . . what a disappointment that was. I guess it wasn't his HP plan at that time. (He checked himself into rehab about 7 mo. later on his own.)

I learned a few things then (am still learning every day,) that "jail" was no big deal, that things were going to happen and I had no control, that I could survive without enabling my son.

I'm glad you're going to AlAnon, the group and face to face support is great.

islandcat

Vaya I was where you were just a couple of months ago. My sons life was spiralling down hill so fast, the theft and heroin use. I called the police begging them to throw him in jail, there seemed no other way to stop him. I made my last call to him in tears saying my goodbyes, I cant do it anymore and after 4 years of this life I need to get well. He is 9 weeks into a 2 year recovery program. He went himself, no more me dragging and begging just to have him come out and start all over again. I may not hear from him for a year but I know God is watching over him. I feel your pain and frustration. Reading the sticky Kindeyes posted about being addicted to my sons was a huge eye opener for me. Trust me when I say I never ever thought I would see the day when my son would do this. I had a hard time with detachment until I learned to say I will love him from a distance. Hugs and prayers to you.

vaya

Thank you again. I did make a couple calls about his case and the possibility of him getting into the rehab instead of jail. I just put it out there, but won't micromanage it.

I know that he is safe, especially fromhimself in jail. I just doubt he'll get the help he really needs. Yet, I also know that he will have to confront himself in there with nothing else to do, but that.

I don't really believe jail is the answer to addiction. Jail doesn't cure addiction. Sometimes it works to incite more anger and resentment. At best, it's just a form of negative reinforcement and may or may not extinguish the behavior. Using drugs is not a crime. It's a mental and psychological illness. Nonetheless, I hope he is and will at least make the connection that getting high will land him right back there om jail and that he is wasting his life this way.

I will be grateful for whatever realizations and insight he has into his issues and using drugs to dealing with them and I hope he finds a better way to deal with his problems.

I do cherish the peace at home now and the constant worry that comes with having your AS with you. Despite that, i do miss him very much, but not the insanity that was part of his lifestyle.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.

vaya

Correction....I cherish the peace at home, but NOT the constant worry that comes with having him with me while he's using.

Seren

Hi Vaya, I'm sorry to hear about your son and hope that he will start to consider his life choices and where his using has landed him.

I don't believe that jail is the answer to addiction, either. I do believe it is the answer for the crimes committed while in active addiction. It is just another consequence for the choices that people make while they are using or drinking. If someone does not make those choices--take those actions, he/she would not be in jail.

My stepson has been in jail about 4 or 5 times now (I've lost track), and in prison once. It has not cured his addiction, but he hasn't been in trouble with the law since his time in prison.

Take good care of yourself, Vaya. You, your son, and your whole family will be in my prayers. Hugs, HG

stairs

Hi vaya,

My life was a living hell because of my AD and over time I had to detach and stop trying to intervene.

3+ years of rehabs, police coming to the house because they were either responding to my 911 call or looking for one of her associates, phone calls from her associates, phone calls from her lying to get money. All kinds of trumped up drama and it was all about getting money.
I even got rid of my land line for just this reason.
Being robbed, lied to constantly, finding out about retail theft charges, just on and on and on. I was having panic attacks where I couldn't breathe.

She is in jail right now and I do visit her once or twice a week but have no hands on participation in trying to get her into the rehab program. I'm in the loop but other people are managing the details.

I know how hard it is, believe me I have given her money and been through the whole schmiel too. My heart goes out to you.

But you matter too. It's pointless to play the blame and shame tapes at this point. Please take care of you.

Hugs

PS Not long after she went to jail I saw a movie with Leonardo Di Caprio called "Basketball Diaries" which I thought was an excellent portrayal of a young person caught up in addiction.

outtolunch

So true. It is also true that rehab and/or therapy does not cure addiction.

NoelleR

I'm with outtolunch and hydrogirl.....

Ya, jail doesn't cure addiction; it's not supposed to. There was a time when jail and prison tried rehabilitation (job training, etc.), but there are just too many criminals and not enough jails/prisons.....their purpose is not rehabilitation, but punishment (the consequence of criminal action). You know the old saying.....'do the crime; do the time.............

NoelleR

hades

Jail isn't rehabilitation. My AXBF kicked cold turkey in prison. While he was in, he made a lot of desperate promises to himself and to others. I believed every word. His first day out, he went to the emergency room to get pain pills ... now repeat this scenario 5 times. I personally felt relieved each time he was arrested and served time. I could sleep at night knowing he was safe. Like you, I hoped this would be THE eye-opening experience, his rock-bottom.

"Maybe 8 months will help him realize the error of his ways."

Maybe ...

Sometimes doing nothing is the best course of action.

Hugs to you!

Taking5

I agree with hades that jail is not rehab. They do no educational activities of any sort on addiction. AA and NA have prison meetings but they are optional.

I catch flack every time I bring this up but here goes:

Being in Jail/Prison does not mean the A in your life will be clean.

Drugs and alcohol are available in prison. Cigarettes, calling cards, sexual favors or anything with value can be used to barter for ANY drug while you are locked up. The prison guards themselves are the suppliers. This is from my first hand experience of being incarcerated, and from talking to others in my AA group that were locked up. We are talking multiple states and everyone agreed it is the same everywhere.

So if you can get someone to rehab, do it.

But incarceration isn't rehab and you should not feel relaxed because your loved one is "safe" in jail/prison and not on the streets. It isn't any safer in there.

It may be a bottom for some people though, I hope so in this case.

Seren

We also know that, Don. You don't need to shout at us. It really is not necessary.

Justfor1

dg, I agree that jails/prison are not safe environments but they are a consequence of addiction. I think many times addicts learn what it's like to be taken advantage of while incarcerated. How ironic. Non-violent addicts can be bullied by violent career type criminals. Prison is like a different world where morals & values are turned upside down. Addicts who are use to scamming friends/family are in for quite a surprise when they get locked up.

Kindeyes

It doesnt matter where they are.........the seeds of recovery can be planted. But nothing will grow in barren soil.

I just heard a wonderful speaker last night in my Nar-Anon meeting. He got clean and began recovery in prison. So no matter how anyone tries to take our hope away......they can shout from the tree tops that there is no hope.......but there is always hope as long as our loved ones are alive. And recovery begins wherever and whenever the addict finally decides to make it happen.....and not a minute sooner.

The important point here is that I can't put my life on hold waiting for my son to decide its time to find recovery. I can't try to orchestrate something that I have no control of. I cant spend my time trying to decide where his recovery will begin. I can't have expectations that my son will ever be sober and how that may happen.

But I CAN participate and embrace my own recovery. I CAN live a life filled with love and joy. I CAN live in today. I CAN and do have hope.

A reality check is fine.......but please.......never try to steal a mother's hope.

gentle hugs
ke

Taking5

I apologize for shouting.