Thoughts on amends
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Thoughts on amends
I'm working Steps 8 and 9 currently. I find that I tend to have to revisit Steps 1 through 7 but currently my attention is focused on Steps 8 and 9. The recognition of my own shortcomings has been eye opening as I work through the steps. I have, throughout my life, held myself as a victim. I have often played that role extremely well as a talented codependent like myself will do. But I'm sure that I have also victimized.....often not realizing it. But another thread here got me thinking about amends so I wanted to share my thoughts on this part of my journey.
I simply can't expect amends from others. Amends are something that I feel I owe to someone else....not that they owe to me. Expecting amends from others is a premeditated resentment. Amends (for me) are to gain peace within myself by making right the wrongs that I have done. But most importantly, I don't want to make amends if doing so will cause further hurt to another......and sometimes that "another" is me.
An amends from someone else is a bonus that would be appreciated but not expected. And a living amends would mean more to me than words.
Forgiveness is another (often very difficult) way to find serenity. I won't go into a life history of every bad thing that others have done to me. I have to let those things go. I have to forgive them. Forgiveness is for me....not for them.
Amends and forgiveness are gifts I give myself.....and it's a work in progress.......I have a lot of each to work on.
gentle hugs
ke
I simply can't expect amends from others. Amends are something that I feel I owe to someone else....not that they owe to me. Expecting amends from others is a premeditated resentment. Amends (for me) are to gain peace within myself by making right the wrongs that I have done. But most importantly, I don't want to make amends if doing so will cause further hurt to another......and sometimes that "another" is me.
An amends from someone else is a bonus that would be appreciated but not expected. And a living amends would mean more to me than words.
Forgiveness is another (often very difficult) way to find serenity. I won't go into a life history of every bad thing that others have done to me. I have to let those things go. I have to forgive them. Forgiveness is for me....not for them.
Amends and forgiveness are gifts I give myself.....and it's a work in progress.......I have a lot of each to work on.
gentle hugs
ke
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Although done openly and honestly, my amends to others was a fairly small list.
I made amends to my son, by way of apology, for having contributed to his addiction by enabling and for the anger I felt, when "compassion" might have been a better choice. I made amends to friends and family whom I had neglected in my obsessed days.
The hard part was making amends to myself. I had let my life go out of control, I had drained myself emotionally, financially and spiritually in the quest for my son's sobriety.
For me, the best and only healthy way to make amends to myself was to change. To work on a recovery program for me, to address the "issues" that I had allowed to eat me alive, and to learn to live in a healthier way...and then to share what worked for me with others.
Today, I continue to do a daily inventory and, as the program suggests, I make amends as quickly as possible. I own my behaviour and my mistakes, I apologize when I am wrong or even when I am so self absorbed in my own problems that I may not be pleasant to those around me. And I live well, every day. I live in gratitude and peace and joy and serenity. It's wonderful living the amend of life.
Thanks, Kindeyes, it's been a while since I have given this step much thought and it did my heart good to stop and think.
Hugs
I made amends to my son, by way of apology, for having contributed to his addiction by enabling and for the anger I felt, when "compassion" might have been a better choice. I made amends to friends and family whom I had neglected in my obsessed days.
The hard part was making amends to myself. I had let my life go out of control, I had drained myself emotionally, financially and spiritually in the quest for my son's sobriety.
For me, the best and only healthy way to make amends to myself was to change. To work on a recovery program for me, to address the "issues" that I had allowed to eat me alive, and to learn to live in a healthier way...and then to share what worked for me with others.
Today, I continue to do a daily inventory and, as the program suggests, I make amends as quickly as possible. I own my behaviour and my mistakes, I apologize when I am wrong or even when I am so self absorbed in my own problems that I may not be pleasant to those around me. And I live well, every day. I live in gratitude and peace and joy and serenity. It's wonderful living the amend of life.
Thanks, Kindeyes, it's been a while since I have given this step much thought and it did my heart good to stop and think.
Hugs
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
one of my greatest & most life changing amends was to my daughters ~
My daughters were greatly affected by this disease ~ NOT only by the alcoholic/addict ~ but by the codependent craziness in ME!
They learned several unhealthy behaviors from me during those many years of living with active alcoholism/addiction ~ I taught them to brush their teeth, comb their hair, wash clothes, cook, drive a car, mind your manners and to accept unacceptable behaviors ~
I did them a great unjustice ~ They deserved better ~
To make that amends ~ I had to admit that to them ~ I had to not justify my actions, but just accept my part in the unhealthy home their were raised in ~
Today I make every effort to provide them and their children with a healthy mother & grandmother ~ That is my living amends ~
It doesn't undo the past harms but hopefully it will show them another way and someday when it is their time ~ they too will find a way to a healthier life . . .
Awesome topic, Kind Eyes ~ Thanks!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
My daughters were greatly affected by this disease ~ NOT only by the alcoholic/addict ~ but by the codependent craziness in ME!
They learned several unhealthy behaviors from me during those many years of living with active alcoholism/addiction ~ I taught them to brush their teeth, comb their hair, wash clothes, cook, drive a car, mind your manners and to accept unacceptable behaviors ~
I did them a great unjustice ~ They deserved better ~
To make that amends ~ I had to admit that to them ~ I had to not justify my actions, but just accept my part in the unhealthy home their were raised in ~
Today I make every effort to provide them and their children with a healthy mother & grandmother ~ That is my living amends ~
It doesn't undo the past harms but hopefully it will show them another way and someday when it is their time ~ they too will find a way to a healthier life . . .
Awesome topic, Kind Eyes ~ Thanks!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Wow, you 3 have become such inspirations for me. Thank you so much. 
You have given me a lot to think about and a different way to think about things. I am going to my Al-anon meeting tonight and I am looking so forward to it. I have a goal, it obtainable and so rewarding...I see that so clearly now!
Today, I am going to one thing for me that makes ME happy! Now, I need to know what that is. lol Getting my car washed and clean seems too simple but it it's a start.
You have given me a lot to think about and a different way to think about things. I am going to my Al-anon meeting tonight and I am looking so forward to it. I have a goal, it obtainable and so rewarding...I see that so clearly now!
Today, I am going to one thing for me that makes ME happy! Now, I need to know what that is. lol Getting my car washed and clean seems too simple but it it's a start.
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