AndreTT

I have many drug using/alcoholic/sick people in my life. It seems like the only alternative left is to detach, get away from them.
I seem to have no life of my own.
But why is it so hard?

Kindeyes

Why is it so hard? Love. Fear. We love them and we fear what our lives (or theirs) will be like if we let go.

gentle hugs
ke

AndreTT

In my case, I think it's downright fear. I cant relate to many stories people tell that they're concerned about their loved ones...
Sometimes I think I'm helping them but I'm fooling myself

neferkamichael

Although I finally left all my druggy/drunk friends or they left me, they were truly my friends and still are. The pressure to use would be to great if I were around them and my sobriety is necessary to have a better life. I don't know if I'll ever be able to be around them again.

lesliej

this idea that you have...that the only alternative left is to "detach"...is actually an invitation, your spirit is inviting you to grow...your inner self is telling you "this is awful, and I can't take it anymore" (well...something like that maybe!)

the truth is that when we are surrounded by "using/alcoholic/sick people" our life is in a sick place, and it sounds to me like your spirit is yearning to be free...to start to live

if you have been immersed in a community of sick people it can be pretty intimidating to think of breaking free...even the idea of an open door on that cage is an unknown, and most human beings have some level of fear of the unknown. for human beings who struggle with addiction and sick systems (codependents) the idea of freedom, thinking for your self and your own well being, stepping away from all of the awful drama and insidious subtle abuse...it can all feel like an open door to what? nothing? too much sunlight? too much space without sickness & drama?

if you allow that space, if you can find enough peace within you to leap frog into that quiet open space...what you will find is that there is more than enough love, happiness, work, creativity, curiosity (etc, etc, etc) to fill in the space in life.

the way to step into and experience new life, free from addiction (to drugs or to drama) is One Day at a Time. There is a whole wild big world waiting outside of the sickness. The good news is that putting on your own oxygen mask first...taking care of yourself by detaching, is the best thing YOU can do for everyone involved. In fact it is pretty much the only thing you can do!

Peace.

shockozulu

Its hard for me because I'm a creature of comfort. Change is not a comfortable place to be.

I feel like the book title "I Wonder Why the Caged Bird Sings'

KelleyF

The way you phrased this is really beautiful Leslie.
Has a note of something I've been looking for.
Thank you.

ajnaT

I understand your need to detach. I have done it a few times.

Even though I enjoy my solitude it is frustrating that I don't have anyone at all (apart from professional help) with whom I can talk about things or enjoy my new way of life with. It is hard to do it on your own, especially when there are disgruntled peers who want to keep you in their place, whether they consciously want to or not. Losing a drink/drug buddy can be like losing a limb.

I agree with lesliej. Your spirit is inviting you to join and grow. Please don't be afraid of being alone. It is an opportunity to reassess your own priorities without the interruption of fear or guilt. You will know who your real friends are in time and eventually will make some new healthy ones. Some old friends may even want to join you when they see how great you are doing.

illbewaiting

In my experience, the only people who I have ever successfully detached from were the addicts in my life were one particularly violent ex from my past, and my brother.
There were others, "friends", but I saw myself getting away from them regardless of addiction. There is only one person from my druggie daze that I still speak with, and that is because she is like a sister to me and we are both now living sober lives.
Anyway, my brother was, and still is the worst I've ever known.
I recently contacted him at the request of my mother(I knew it was a bad idea and did it anyway), and all that did for me was confirm that I did the absolute best thing for ME by going no contact with the psycho.
And that's precisely what my "brother" is.. he is a drug driven sociopath, and that's putting it nicely.
Putting my brother behind me and focusing on my future was one of the easiest and hardest things to do for me.
It was the easiest decision to make because his words and actions scared me, and it was to the point where I was pregnant and so fearful for my life and my unborn child's that I moved over 800 miles away to ensure our safety.
Staying away,not calling or texting or trying to squeeze other people for info on him was the hard part.
As much as I hate him, and I fear him and fear for him.. it was VERY hard to keep my boundaries and stay the hell away from him.
But, he put a healthy amount of fear in me.. enough to know that neither myself nor my child are safe around him.
When you really break things down like that, it makes it a whole lot easier.
Put your life in your hands, really think about what these people are doing to you and how they are impacting YOUR future.
Think of you, where you want to be and where you are now..
think of how their choices are effecting your own.. it may put things into perspective for you a bit.
Good luck and many big hugs.

Anaya

AndreTT: Yes, it is hard to detach. As far as friends go, it still stings a bit when I think of friends lost (moved on from me or I'd moved on from them because of lifestyle differences), but in my heart, I know it was for the best. As far as detaching from an (adult) child, it is even more difficult, but I can see the benefits of working on my issues with codependence and also encouraging him to be independent and accountable.

Good luck and best wishes for strength to choose what is best for you.

zoso77

Because we love them, even though they're sick.

Al Anon talks about how to "detach with love". For me, it was pretty easy. I had come to the conclusion that my qualifier was going to do whatever she was going to do, regardless of what I thought or my best efforts to steer her to a healthier path. And by trying to steer her to a better path, I drove myself nuts. So, doing nothing and trying to help resulted in the same result: my qualifier doing what she wanted to do. I then decided to save my sanity and allow her to be her.

And, boy, did I detach. She didn't like it at all (but that's a story for another day).

I don't mean to imply it's an easy thing to do. I guess what I'm saying is just because you detach doesn't mean you stop caring about the person. What it means is two things: you have enough respect for that person to allow them to make their own decisions, and you respect yourself enough to save your sanity.

Hope this helps.

ZoSo