CanfixONLYme

Hi all,

K - has anyone felt the aforementioned feelings AFTER they have separated from their addicted loved one?

I've been separated since November and it seemed at least once a week until 2 weeks ago, some incident would occur with my STBXH which got steadily worse when I refused to give in to his manipulations.

i havent heard from him for almost 2 weeks now and I am pretty happy about that, but it's like my body and mind have "shut down"... I have little motivation to do anything productive, I feel "lost" (like I just don't belong here) and I have at least one or two moments of "panic" during the day.

For almost a month, I have put my phone on silent because hearing it ring sets me off hoping to God its not him. I also check over my shoulder in my neighborhood worried he's hanging out there. The worst isnt the phone though because again he stopped calling and I realized I applied to several jobs with that as my contact. The worst is when I hear the intercom ring downstairs (my apt. Is right above it) I feel sick to my stomach. Needless to say, this intercom gets used very frequently.

I'm practically home bound and my drinking has increased as well just to stop obsessing about stuff. I know I may be suffering from some form of PTSD...

My STBXH seems to have "stopped" calling and coming around because I said I have nothing left to give him (myself or $$ or items of value).

I guess my question is this kind of behavior "normal" to all the stuff that has happened? I am getting counseling help, a full physical and going to meetings.

I see glimmers of my former self before I was emmersed in this world of addiction, but it comes and goes so quickly and I'm left either quivering like a bowl of jelly or so depressed I can't get out of bed.

Oh and honestly, I don't think of my STBXH (ie: missing him or memories etc). I think of him with a sad, sick feeling but I'm mostly focused on me not doing squat about my life. Maybe it's also because the anniversary of my mum dying is this saturday - 5 years... And I have a pinnacle bday a week later... 40 years old. Maybe I'm just having a bad week... I just don't know...

I really hope this is one of the stages... I'm sick of being like this.

GoldfishSyn

You are going through withdrawal from codependency. Read the sticky at the top of the page called Brain Chemistry of Loved Ones. It happens to all of us, you are not alone. Stay strong and take it one day at a time. It will get better!

EJG123

I think what you are going through is pretty normal given the circumstances. Heck-Before I was married, it used to take me 2 years to recover from a regular break-up that didn't involve anything as horrific as drug abuse. I used to always start with getting a new haircut, buying myself something nice like a new purse or shoes, and getting back to the things that had comforted me even as a kid like a visit to the park or garden center or a museum. After my AD left home, I was anxious and jumpy all the time so I avoided anything scary or noisy. I could not concentrate so I did not read but I did go to movies. I bought a new really soft fuzzy blamket just to have a night and for some reason it helped me to sleep at night. Eventually I came to SR and it helped too. Give yourself some time and make it a goal to become involved with new activities and people. You will heal slowly. Hugs.

Ann

I think it is good to "listen" to your feelings or your spirit. Like when physical pain tells our body something is wrong that needs tending, spiritual pain is our soul's way of telling our mind and body that maybe it's time to rest, to take time for ourselves and to heal.

I went through PTSD when my son first was no longer in my life. It took work to walk through the pain and identify what triggered me and why. I too had panic attacks and felt worn out, even when I didn't do anything...I think it was adrenaline withdrawl.

Take time to listen to your soul, maybe make special time each day to walk or read or do something uplifting for you and try hard to keep your mind positive, instead of fearful.

Hugs

Kindeyes

I think your self awareness is pretty darn sharp. I'm impressed! You are recognizing your feelings. You are identifying people and events that may be triggering those feelings.

Life changes cause significant discomfort until enough time has passed that it begins to feel normal. Perhaps you are in that life changing time period much like a butterfly....

When a butterfly or a moth enters into the point of their life when they wrap themselves into a cocoon, which is also known as a chrysalisis, it is time for them to start undergoing metamorphisis. During this stage in the butterly or moth's life, they do not eat or drink anything. Instead, they are in a type of hibernation that will last for anywhere from a few days to several months. There are some butterflies who go into their cocoon and stay there throughout the entire winter and then it emerges as an adult in the springtime.

So tell us....what really nice thing have you done for yourself lately? Something that you enjoy that makes you feel good. A bubble bath with candles and soft soothing music. A movie with a friend. A trip to a museum. A walk in the park with a camera to capture the beauty you see there....it's spring. A pedicure. A haircut.

This is a time of transformation. You can embrace it and make it what you want it to be. My 40 decade was a pretty darn good decade. It is the time when I began my journey to be comfortable with myself.

gentle hugs
ke

Kindeyes

Whoops double post

EnglishGarden

In the book "The Addictive Personality" (Hazelden), the author writes about the sense of dread the family of the addict lives with. That good times cannot be trusted and crisis is just around the corner. So the family is always experiencing dread, in mind and body.

I think perhaps our bodies become so conditioned to the somatic responses to dread (anxiety, waves of panic, shallow breathing, depression) that even when the source of dread (the addict) is no longer in our personal life, our bodies and minds may still be living the dread. These body responses are often outside our conscious control, they just come over us. And I would guess we cannot put a timeline on how long this goes on until we are finally released from these responses. Every person is different. For me, it was about two years before my waves of nausea (a symptom of anxiety) went away after ending relationship with an addict.

I'm sorry you lost your mother, and agree with you that you may be feeling less secure because of the upcoming anniversary of her death. I hope you find a way to have time with her spiritually that day that brings you a sense of peace.

For myself, spiritual reading and deep breathing and being careful about what I watched on TV or read at night helped during the months of anxiety. Writing out my fears helped as well as my hopes for a better future ( and I've made 2 collages recently as a way to let God know I am open to a better life).

And also, reading SR and posting helps with coping with the reality of being affected by someone's addiction and understanding that it is a sickness over which I have no control. When I understand addiction as a sickness, and accept I must have no expectations of anyone in addiction and that it is unreasonable to do so, then I find I am better able to feel calm and release.

Good blessings to you today. I hope you will buy yourself some flowers and invite a friend for tea. Those small meaningful events do help.

CanfixONLYme

Wow, thank you ladies for the amazing feedback and support!

What great positive imagery you have provided - I think I will make some boards of how I want to see my life. It ties in with feeling like I am "cocooning" and waiting to be more whole and beautiful on the other side. I also know I am trying to rush this process - I think "well my addict is no longer here... I SHOULD be doing great!!!" Uh... Not so. It's true, I am weaning myself from being co-dependant... Which i realize is sooo addictive in all the wrong ways. A real "aha!" moment that's for sure. I also realize that night time is the absolute worst for me as I tend to get in my head too much and ruminate over MY failures and hang-ups. Doesn't help me one bit.

I will be taking tomorrow to honor my mum for myself - thank you for that - and will start doing small things to get myself back into feeling fab again.

In fact...
Today, the weather here is sunny and beautiful and I'm sitting out on my balcony, my hands still dirty from potting some lovely flowers in memory of my mum and I'm going to go buy myself a fancy frock for my big party next week. I have 36 guests coming - and it's going to be held at this Italian supper club: 4 course set meal w/ entertainment and big band music afterwards for dancing. I organized it myself and am glad I did!

Thank you for allowing me to express my feelings and being so encouraging. It means the world to me. Because of you guys/gals and this site, I feel like I am on the right track to being Codie-free. Mwah! - (that's me blowing kisses)

Have a fantastic weekend everyone !!!

Vale

I can so relate......a long time ago XAF called after a month no ctc----I
was worried she was dead in a ditch somewhere.Nope,just
moved back in with hard-time ex con "friend"---and
needed me to "drop by with some $$$$"
I thought about texting back...."sure,I'll get right
on that!".....but that would entail contact.
No need for cruelty.She has lost everything.
Home,husb,kids,car,security,future.
Part of me wants to say "have you really thought
I was THAT stupid?! Did you really think I EVER
believed a single word?"

But no one knows better than I, that there wanever thought.

It was solely about her next fix.

I was never even a person to her at all.When
I realized that.....the rest was easy.

Vale

(was never any thought)

-here's to better proof reading !