washbe2

My AS texted me today to expect a call from a woman who had asked for his help. She contacted him to ask for his help. She lives out of state and son lives in same town as her daughter who is in jail. He sent me a copy of the text he had sent her.

Are you ready for my son's response? I wasn't.

" The best help she can get now is there. let her sit and 'suffer'. I know it sounds mean. But u heard of tough love? Doing something NEITHER off you will like, but the way things have been done hasn't worked. Or she wouldn't be there now. "

"Right now YOU need the help. Otherwise u will get weak and get her out and that's the worst thing that could be done right now for 'HER'. Her head is as hard as mine."

"WHAT'S MORE IMPORTANT? Her job or the rest of her life? Honestly what happens now will affect the rest of her life. I know. I was in her place and u are in my mom's place. She got me out. Worst thing she could have done to 'help' ME."

"I only know what I have done and what my mom has done and where her trying to help got me. My mom's number is ....... She would talk to you if you want to hear a mother's side. One that's been through the same u r going through times ten."

I feel many things after this. Guilty for all the times I got him out. A little bit angry that he almost sounds like he's blaming me for his situation. And a little bit of joy that he still has the capability of being sensible when he wants to be.


But oh, what a lesson! This came out of my AS's mouth (or rather fingers
If he gets picked up again, I know what I WON'T do! So for all of you who love your addicts, heed this warning, please.

Ann

Oh Washbe, I read that as him having finally understood why you can no longer do those things....he "gets it" and that's a good thing.

If he didn't admire your "tough love" stance and know that it was the right thing, he wouldn't refer that woman to you.

You know him better than I do, but I read this as a positive thought on his side.

Not sure I'd care for my son giving out my number though, but maybe he just really wanted that woman to listen to some good sense...from you.

How do you feel about this? That's what matters most.

Hugs and Hugs

Taking5

I think that was beautiful. Your son obviously has grasped something if he is trying to help others. I didn't take that as blaming you at all, it was more like "I've been where she is and here is what happened". Experience, strength & hope.

You should be proud of yourself and your son.

Ann

Just want to add...I bailed my son too, only once because I learned that lesson faster than most. But that's just it...when we know better, we do better, and you're doing just fine Washbe.

You are a good mom who tried to save her son, just like me and so many others here. That took us to a bad place that led us to a good place and today we are wiser for the journey...so are our kids.

So no blame and shame, unless you want to hand me some too and I really don't look good in those colours.

Mama sized hugs

washbe2

Not sure I'd care for my son giving out my number though, but maybe he just really wanted that woman to listen to some good sense...from you.

How do you feel about this? That's what matters most.


I really don't mind, Ann. I doubt she calls me, but if she does, I'll just look at it as an opportunity to support a mom who is hurting.

Heartbroken0608

I agree with the others, it sounds like your son truly gets it! I don't think he was blaming you at all, he was just sharing his story with this other mom and trying to get her to see what works and what doesn't. I would save this text permanently in case he ever forgets and asks you to bail him out of a bad situation.

Thanks for sharing.

I got a call from my son a few days ago asking for advice. He has been seeing a girl he really likes but he didn't like how much she drinks. He wanted to know what he could do to get her to stop drinking. I almost dropped the phone! It turned into a really great conversation about personal choices, not being able to control others, boundaries, etc and in the end he decided he wasn't going to see her anymore. She's calling him constantly but so far he hasn't answered the phone...he's gone no contact! I'm (guardedly) hopeful he may be starting to "get it" as well.

Ann

Wouldn`t it be great if we could figure out `how` it finally got through to them...what was the turning point, when did they figure out we were right.

If we knew we could write a book and it would be a best seller just to codie mamas alone,

washbe2

It may sound like my AS has "gotten it" from his text, but since he is still battling addiction, he doesn't live it. He's like me. He knows the head talk. It's the walk that is so tough, and we are both stumbling frequently - but at least still standing.

Good idea, Heartbroken, to save the text. I actually do save many of his text just in case ever needed.

Kindeyes

My son has actually said things in the past that were incredibly wise too. When he was about 17 (he's now 30) he told me "Mom.....everything is a degree of want. If one person wants something more than another person, the "degree of want" is out of balance and it won't work." How very true.

Those words still ring in my head 13 years later.......I have finally gotten to the point that I know he needs to want to be clean and sober more than I want him to be clean and sober. Our "degree of want" has been out of balance for a very long time.

I do think your son "gets it" but he just may not be able to put it into action yet. At the very least, his wise words give you strength in the knowledge that he knows that you love him and sometimes doing what we want to do to ease their suffering only causes more in the long run.

gentle hugs from another mom
ke

Heartbroken0608

Mine isn't in recovery either (I don't believe but I may just be being paranoid) but I'm learning to try to accept him as he is and to appreciate any small steps in the right direction, while letting him handle any repercussions from poor choices. The first half of the battle occurs in their head. I pray that the knowledge will move from their lips down to their hips and get them moving in the right direction.

Ilovemysonjj

Hi Washbe2, another mom weighing in. This is an awesome step in the right direction. I also like others here am so paranoid of recovery since it is so "new". I cannot trust what my son says, only what he does. Here is my prayer and loving support that your son is "getting it" for today. Long haul is a long haul so keep your focus on YOU and your recovery.
Loves, Hugs and Prayers.
Teresa

Chino

washbe, my daughter found one of my self help books, just before she jumped back on the wagon the last time. It was "Don't Let Your Kids Kill You: A Guide for Parents of Drug and Alcohol Addicted Children." She left a post it note on it with "READ AND DO THIS!!!"

My daughter fought tooth and nail with boundaries as a child, but now she craves them, no matter how much she hates them. Sounds like your son is there, too

kmangel

My son wrote to a friend of mine whose son is a drug addict and all the words were true that he was saying to her, too. He does get what it all means and all what the addict must do to recover. I just wished that he was living what he was preaching. For the moment, my son seems to be doing okay so I'll enjoy the moment.

Heartbroken0608

Chino, I've read that book countless times. Highly recommend it to all parents.

LOVE that your daughter read it and agreed with the message!

washbe2

Chino, I've got to get that book!

Heartbroken, I like the way you look at the situation.

Dgillz and Heartbroken, thanks for the encouragement.

Kmangel, so glad you can at least enjoy the moment.

Kindeyes, that is quite an enlightenment from your son. Never thought of it like that.

Ann, I'll bet if we pooled our experiences, we would have a best seller!

This is the beauty of the forum. So much wisdom and experience to share and learn.

catlovermi

Sounds to me that, even though you may have made "mistakes," you still have had a profound effect on your son, and he has learned very valuable lessons from what you did, "wrong things," and all - were they wrong if he's learned these things from them?

Great job! Just look at how he's able to see the situation! Look at his clarity!

CLMI

EJG123

Washbe- Your son may think you made mistakes bailing him out but I bet he knows he manipulated you to do it and that he doesn't really blame you. Savor the fact that he knows addicts must face the consequences of their actions.