LoveMeNow

Oh I already know the answer ( think) but just need some support!

My AH is willing to go to an AA meeting......if I look for one and and go with him. I would NOT commit to doing that.

Now I know this is his journey, his recovery but...a part me thinks JUST GET HIM THERE and then I think this is this just his way of manipulating me. If he really wanted recovery, he would do this on his own. I hear a little (very little) humility in his voice, he isn't as angry but I am still hearing resistance!

Then the door bell rang.......and sure enough..... A dozen roses were being to delivered to me. More manipulation?? How sad for him, everything he does, says or asks is all viewed as manipulation. He "claims" he hasn't used and is back on suboxone (which is still using, IMO) - yet I had viewed it as the lesser of two evils, in the past.......so I could hold on to "the dream."

Is helping him get to an AA meeting enabling?




A

Windmills

Do you source his drugs, deliver him to them and wait until he's used and drive him home?
I'd guess the answer is no. As an addict, he's more than resourceful enough to find his own AA meeting. He's trying to keep you wrapped up in all this.
I know how hard it is to step back when you don't want to, but if he wanted to go to AA, he'd be there- he wouldn't need you to find it or accompany him.

KelleyF

Is the Suboxone being prescribed through his Dr?

Freedom1990

Give him the dignity to be an adult and manage his own rides to AA or not.

Take care of yourself, okay?

lightseeker

Just a thought....what if he wanted you to go to Alanon meetings? If you said that you would go if he would look for one and go with you - would you be going to a meeting for him or for you?

dollydo

Why do you need to go to meetings with him, he can find his drugs so I am sure that he can find his way to a meetings, he is a big boy, let him put on his big boy pants and do what he needs to do in order to get and stay clean.

Roses...yes...he knows how to make you all weak in the knees...addicts are master manipulaters...he is no exception.

Time to take off your rose colored glasses and stare reality straight in the face..hanging onto an unrealistic dream is only going to continue to hurt you...not help you.

bunkie65

That's a tuff one... god how you must be elated... then only to crash on your face.... yeah for me I would want to be the shuttle for sure, however im not an alcoholic, so I don't belong there is one way I would look at it. Saying that's great but I don't want to interfere with your progress and program but if there is an alnon meeting im going to and aa at the same time we could ride together. Im working on me and that's great you wanna work on you. I will let you know next time I go to a meeting and you can check if aa is going on at the same time. That's what I would do. Leaves me caring but not responsible.... hope it helps. Follow your gut.....

LoveMeNow

Thank you all for your input. Deep down, I knew he was not ready.

Yes, Kelley, he is being presribed suboxone by a DR, a DR would didnt make him seek further help as some do.

But can some one answer me this, why does he try so hard to manipulate me to come home? He has plenty of money in his pocket, a nice place to live, he is his own boss, and now has the freedom to do whatever he wants. Why doesn't he just let go, allow drugs to control him and just leave me alone! I don't undertand the sick game he plays!

LoveMeNow

He has his own car to get there and a computer to find a meeting. The reality is.....he is just saying anything to appease me at this point. Oh and the flowers were a good try too. blah!!

I am not doing it, I am not helping him! He has to do it on his own and for himself.

bunkie65

Flowers are nice and yes sadly to say manipulation is all they know until they make changes. And I would be feeling just like you... get him there, lesser of the two evils.... man that would of been me could still be if I did not work on me and it helps I don't live with it any more. But it would be me trying to be rational with something that is unrational.... your right you know the answer, the fix it, make it better, control it, you care and want him better part of you gets in the way of what is right.... again follow your gut and the more you do the easier it gets, it did for me anyway. Its scarey was for me cause I was afraid of loosing him, making things worse, looking like I did not care. Which I know is not true... and so do they, they are scared too.... but just like you, me and everyone else that was sick and tired of being sick and tired we got help.... we went on our own no one made us..... prayers

dollydo

The why.... is because that is what he wants today, addicts are impulsive and thus prone to jump from one idea to another at the drop of a hat. He knows that he can manipulate you, he has done it for years, also since he has money he really doesn't want to lose any of it for things such as child support and so on...so much more fun spending it on drugs.

An addicts mind just doesn't work like a non addicts does, trying to figure out the whys and wherefors are a total waste of time...there is no real understanding of how an addicts mind works.

Freedom1990

Addict don't have relationships. They take hostages.

washbe2

Perhaps there is a Nar-Anon or Alanon meeting at the same location. It would probably be good for you to go to that while he is at the AA. But if you really want to break the relationship, just back out and let him get his own way, so as not to encourage him.
Just thinking about it in a different way.

neferkamichael

LoveMeNot, sounds like you have a codependent problem with A"H as well. Pretty much anything you do in the way of helping him would probably be enabling him. He's the one who is the alcoholic and he has to do the work himself. Good luck.

bluebelle

Who knows why he does what he does.

It sounds like a lot of this is about control. He tries to control you by making you think that he needs you to get clean. Then, he tries to control you by giving you flowers.

I see no reason why a grown man can't get to a meeting on his own. That sounds like he thinks it is a way that he can get to you. He can tug at your need to feel needed.

What does your gut tell you?

Adalie

I wouldn't drive him. The fact that he is asking you to not only drive him to the meeting but to also look up the meeting shows that he isn't genuinely seeking recovery. It actually seems that he can't be bothered with the meetings and is only doing them so he can say that he is doing them. I have seen addicts use meetings as a way to "prove" that they are sober to others and not to actually get sober.

I wish you hope and strength,

*Adalie

LoveMeNow

I know I am a weak and in so much pain. I know I am not as healthy as many of you. I have not done the hard many of you here have. I never even realized (or wanted to, I guess) that I needed to change until a few weeks ago.

I don't know where I heard this but.........I always believed admitting they had a problem was the first step and asking for help was huge!

My friend, an ex of AH, just said to me......"you're an addict too, addicted to him, you want change, you ask for help, and still aren't willing to do the work. It's the same thing."

I understand what she is saying and I agree on many levels. I am still riding the roller coaster, no denying that. But I am here reading, learning, trying to understand. Knowledge is power and that has to count for something.

Lastly, I have been to 2 Al-anon meetings, I loved them...I had a little sanity after I walked out. But the more I read, the more depressed I have become - my reality of needing to let go has hit me like a tons of bricks, its been paralyzing in many ways. And I really wish I had a friend to say "hey, come on - you're going to a meeting." Because getting there has been the hard part for me.

Now many of you may think I am making excuses, and maybe I am....I don't even know or understand myself any more. All I know is I want a healthy loving relationship with an addict and I know that isn't possible which I find devastating to my heart, mind and soul.

Freedom1990

It is painful to realize as codependents we are sick too. That was a lot for me to swallow.

You are doing great. Sometimes it takes a lot of baby steps to get there, but recovery is possible for you, I promise. I've been at this recovery thing in codependency for almost 13 years now.

If nothing else, when I've been in a great deal of pain, I shave it down to 5 minutes at a time if I have to.

Give yourself credit for your progress, hon. I'm proud of you.

Sending hugs of support your way.

inpieces314

Flowers-manipulation.

AA meeting, I don't know. I told him I would go if he wanted me to, and not if he didn't want me to, because I know that if he wanted to talk he probably wouldn't want me there, and I wouldn't be offended.

I went to several NA meetings with him last summer, and he actually did quite well with them.

I would jump for joy right now if he said something about wanting to go to a meeting. I don't care about whether I go or not, I don't care who else goes with him, I just want him to have support from people other than drug addicts, who obviously aren't helping him. It's just getting him there that's the issue.

He knows what I think. I don't push it. He has asked occasionally where a meeting is at, we look it up online, he decides if he wants to go or not (always not). He knows I am there to support him in recovery, and if he doesn't want to do it, then I am not going to push that either. That is his choice to make. But I would definitely go if he wanted me to.

LoveMeNow

Congratulations Anvilhead on your 25 yrs of sobriety! Awesome job!! I bet you are great sponsor - tough and no BS!! And although some of your posts make me mad (LOL) deep down I know you are right and appreciate your honesty! Thank you!

Thank you Freedom for your kinds words, I really needed them as I am so hard on myself. Thank you all for your support and input as well.

Tomorrow night I will be at my 3rd Al-anon meeting! No excuses! I want you all to hold me to it. I will post an update. Also, I am going to dust off Codependent No More and start reading it and start to really face my own issues!

Also, I did see my therapist today (my 3rd session) and I really like her. She understands me far better than I understand myself. She thinks there is hope for me, lol.