britchick

My wife and I have been together 10+ years, we have two sons. She became a drug addict about three years ago. I stuck with her throughout it all even though I knew she was unfaithful to me, and she sold herself to dealers for drugs. She was in recovery most of last year but recently had a bad relapse.she went to rehab this February end and met someone else there. Within a month they have started living together and she says she no longer wants to be with me. I love my wife very much. We have our problems, including codependency, but I never saw this coming. She won't talk to me now except to say she doesn't want me and is happy now. Is this attraction another high for her? Is she being ruled by her need for instant gratification? Or is this really the end for us? I am heartbroken, I admit I have fallen to pieces, I can't work, sleep,eat or even think straight it hurts so much to lose her.
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outtolunch

I am sorry for the situation that brought you to this place.

It's likely this attraction is another high for her. When there is a history of instant gratification in place, it tends to impact all areas of life. Think of the serious millions who use credit cards live beyond their means.

It's not possible for anyone to predict if this is the end, or not.

So often, we codependents use our hopeful fantasies to rationalize and excuse what otherwise might be unacceptable behaviors from someone in active addiction. We tend to take and make it all personal.

Addiction is selfish and impersonal. She is not using drugs or substitutes at you. It just feels that way, right now. We codependents have a tendency to empower others to validate how we feel about ourselves. It's a lose-lose proposistion.

Have you considered Alanon and/or therapy to help you cope with your reactions to this situation, so beyond your control?

How old are the children?

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR....that sounds kind of hollow considering the emotional pain you are in right now but everyone here also loves someone who is addicted.....we understand.

There really are no good words to say....there never is when addiction causes such trauma to a family. Do you have a good support system of friends and family? Have you considered (or already attended) NarAnon or AlAnon meetings?

I hope you stick around. Post. Vent. Read. But most importantly I hope you take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

NoelleR

Hey britchick ----

I kinda agree with totfit's response in the thread you posted in the Relationships & Parenting in Sobriety Forum.....You might also get some responses in the GLBTQ in Recovery Forum (although that one tends to pretty quiet).

....before we go on (or maybe just me), I just want to say, that although a lot of what I may say may sound mean or judgmental, I'm not trying to be mean. I know how painful this can be; especially when one has to look at one's and see our parts in things.....or see our self-esteem slipping.....and I promise you, at one time or another I have asked all these questions of myself, oftentimesd not liking my answers, but weith time, I got over it all.

Pondering some more....I notice that she has cheated on you before, so this isn't anything new.....is this how you want to live your life....? Is this what you deserve, or do you possibly deserve more....?

Remember, no matter what an 'A' (addict and/or alcoholic) says, booze and/or drugs do NOT cause bad behavior.....Folks don't cheat because they're on drugs/booze; they don't lie because they're on drugs/booze [unless it's about how much (or how little) they've had....lol]; they're not physically/mentally/emotionally abusive because they do drugs/booze; etc., etc., etc., the list goes on............

Yes, drugs and/or booze can lower one's inhibitions and make things easier for a person to do.......all those things 'they' say 'they' would 'never' do if 'sober' (hmmmmm, ya, sure, ok, of course you wouldn't.....), but just for the moment, take the drugs/booze out of the picture.....she cheats, she gets into a relationship (or whatever one wants to call it) within 30 days of meeting someone; no longer wants you; won't talk to you; doesn't want tobe with you, and is happy now.....is this how you want to live your life (at least with the possibility of these things happening again....?).......??

These are all just some things to ponder.........or not......just have a good day today, and be good to/for yourself. .....and as others have suggested, check out al-anon and/or nar-anon................very good for you too..........


(o:
NoelleR

EnglishGarden

Welcome to SR.

It is completely normal to fall apart when someone you have loved so much hurts you so badly and walks away from you for someone else. This is not the exclusive experience of codependents. Normal people fall apart, too. Please know that your pain and grief is normal.

I agree that this is another escape for her. Addicts run. Her unwillingness to talk to you (as a mature and sober person would do) is addict behavior in its childish avoidance and hiding, and probably she is blame-shifting (as in, she thinks she's not the problem, drugs are not the problem, she thinks her marriage to you is the problem. More addict thinking).

You must feel as if you have a knife in your heart. I'm sorry. Addicts can be quite ruthless.

I believe alcohol and drugs do change a person's behavior and do compel people to violate their fundamental values. The book "Under the Influence" addresses this, as does the AA Big Book. And personally, the handful of times I got drunk in college, many years ago, I was not me at all, and thank God I hated the stuff. But I remember being drunk and out of control. Inhibitions to the wind as well as moral judgment.

Addicts are ALWAYS under the influence. Every minute of every hour of every day.

Wishing you all the support you need as you get over this. It is a devastating experience for you. Just hang on. Hang on and life will hold you up until you are well again.

washbe2

Addiction causes so many kinds of pain. It sometimes seems endless. Maybe living without an addict in your life could eventually bring you some peace and happiness.
My guess is that the new relationship will not last. Rehab romances rarely do. My son had one.

It's difficult to focus when you're hurting. Your sons are hurting, too. take care of yourself and your children, too. We care at SR.

story74

Almost a year ago my xah left me on mothers day weekend on a coke binge. I was a stay at home mommy with a 2yr old. We lived paycheck to paycheck. He just left. Totally abandoned us. Wouldn't talk or respond to anything. Later, I found out the woman he left us for is 13 years his senior and has a long police record. He swears he is sober, but his behavior proves otherwise. Are you sure she is sober. Birds of a feather.

It has been the most painful experience of my life. It has taken me a long time to get here, but I am FINALLY at the point where I have accepted and don't want him back. Its better this way. You and your children deserve real love. Addicts only love the drug. Move on and protect your kids. I bet you she is still using. A rational, sober and kind human being would not act so selfishly. Its not right and ito
not normal.

I'm sorry for your pain. I cried everday for almost 8 months. This site has saved me. Try to heal.

Blessings

story74

Ps. I am finding true happiness and am so glad my son and I aren't pulled into his stressed out going nowhere world. Happiness will come again. Just allow yourself to heal.

zoso77

I empathize more than you could possibly know. And I know you're in a lot of pain. But please pay attention to what I'm about to tell you.

Your wife is ill. Very, very ill. And what she has done, in my book, proves it. When people meet in the setting that you describe (rehab), they're at their most vulnerable. And a lot of times in situations like that, people click. But they click for the wrong reasons, and once they're out of rehab, it is impossible to sustain that level of intimacy and connection for the long term. So, yeah, I'm expecting this to blow up on her. If she's capable of doing this to you, she's more than capable of doing this to him.

How can she claim, all of the sudden, she loves this guy when she hurts your two sons? If she can't put her children first, then that should tell you something. She can't love you, she can't love this guy, and she certainly doesn't love herself.

But the real issue is what are you going to do.

I'm not going to give you any advice on your marriage. It's none of my business. But what I can tell you is you have a choice in terms of how things are going to go for you. When my AXGF did something similar to me three months ago, for me, that was lights out, the party's over. It was evidence that she was incapable of what I would consider mature, adult, healthy love. And what she was capable of were things I didn't care for: duplicity, manipulation, sadism. The moment she did what she did, my love for her disappeared. My life has been a lot smoother and happier without her toxic presence. My AXGF was also a Borderline Personality. It sounds like your wife may be, too.

So, yeah, you love her. But that's not the issue. The issue is: is she good for you and is she good for your children. Think about that one long and hard. A lot's at stake here. Put your sons front and center.

Please find a local Al Anon or Nar Anon meeting and attend. For your sake, and for the sake of your sons.

And if you need to talk to someone, send me a private message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

ZoSo

britchick

Thanks everone for your support it means a lot.

inpieces314

I also think this is another escape for her. IF she is clean, this guy is just another addiction. She just switched one for the other. Don't count on it to last.

That said, you have to decide if you are going to spend the rest of your life waiting for her, or if you are going to move on and become happy yourself. It is not fair to your sons to see you so upset because of this, and I am sure that they have seen a lot more in the last 3 years of her drug addiction. Also, it is not fair to you. I know you love her, but is it fair to be with someone who doesn't even respect you enough to be faithful to you? Is it fair to teach your kids about how to have a relationship, that adultery is okay, and fidelity means nothing? Because they already have one parent screwing up, and they will look to you for guidance.

Just because you love her does not mean you need to give up your happiness and self worth and LIFE for her. You can still love her, and let go.

Freedom1990

Rehab romances are not uncommon at all, and I am so very sorry for your pain. How are your sons doing?

Rehab romances are indeed a replacement "high" for addicts. I have seen it time and time again over the years, and the end result has been relapse and misery for both addicts.

Please know you are among friends. Sending you hugs of support.

phillyds

When I first came here in December, I was not sure if the problem in my relationship was addiction or cheating. He IS a crack addict but I found out that he was in a relationship with another woman for the past two years. Of course, I thought the nights out, then weeks out and on two occasions one month out were about addiction. There was a part of me that figured there was someone else but I ignored it. That was not the first time he cheated but it amazed me that he was actually having a dual relationship. She thought he lived there, I thought he lived here and blaming time spent away on getting high (which he did) helped both of us continue to let him back.

I struggle with what is the exact nature of the problem. Although you did not say, I get the impression that you may think it would not sting as bad if this was about her illness instead of cold hearted cheating and abandonment. I feel the same. An earlier comment stated that without the addiction, she does these other things. Other comments state that it is wrapped in addiction. I do not have the answer since I struggle with it too.

I have found out that he has contacted her again and my insecurity has gotten the best of me. This time I see the writing on the wall. This time I will not be surprised when he leaves again. The only advice that I can give you is that taking the person backs makes you worse. She may realize it was a fling but your insecurity will have you acting the way she acts under the influence. I wish I went through the pain. I let him back to avoid the pain but still suffering due to his addiction and communication with other women...which I am sure will lead to physically cheating again.

britchick

Thanks, Soberinnepa and for your PM too.
I don't know quite what to think right now. I can't seem to think straight, my head is so jumbled up and I'm in so much pain. I have recently started to go to al-anon meetings and I'm learning as much as I can about my codependency. I'm practical if nothing else! Its reassuring to know that others have been through this and have survived. Its just hard to see the light from where I'm standing right now.
I know my wife isn't in love with this other woman, that its just a surface level relationship, on her part anyway, and that she's using it as another way to get high. Someone else suggested that this is another way to escape and that shes probably blame shifting, blaming our marriage instead of the addiction. I don't know. All of that could be true or she just might not want to be with me anymore. I never saw it coming. She's started to get the boys to call me or she calls me herself every night, although she's not very nice, always sounds aggitated.I don't know if she calls because she feels guilty and sorry for me, whether she wants to keep me hanging on because I pay the bills (she doesn't work anymore), or because she's not really wanting to let me go. Its just hard not knowing and I admit that despite everyones good advice, I can't let her go.

zoso77

Think of your two sons, man. This isn't just about your marriage. It's about your sons and her fitness as a parent. Sadly.

ZoSo

MeredithD1

One of the Al-Anon/Nar-Anon acronyms is HALT. Don't make any important decisions when you're

H Hungry
A Angry
L Lonely, or
T Tired.

You don't have to make a decision today. Everyone who has responded has given a gem to you that you can look at and think about, and you can decide later.

One of my own sayings: There is no such thing as a 100-percent decision. If you decide to stay, there will be part of you that wants to go. If you decide to go, there will be part of you that wants to stay.

Try and see the big picture, the one that includes your children and affects on them, and one that includes your future and theirs.

britchick

Thank you, MeredithD1. That's really good advice. I know I have to do the right thing for My family, and I have to work on my codependency. I just wish you hhad a cure for a broken heart

kayleezen

You don't have to decide to let go today, just do the day. Eat, sleep, be with your sons...take a NC break
Rest and heal....talk to us, go to meetings, safe places. Build a cacoon and restore. ..later for decisions...now radical self care and as much NC as possible. .
PRAYERS -MY ABF left and tried to replace me, I'm sure it isn't working but I stay safely away. It's his pain and the less I know the better. If recovery returns maybe I will lend an ear, God will show me...
I lost 15 lbs and could barely move for 60 days...
NC saved me...:

Vale

>>>>>>>>>>I just wish you had a cure for a broken heart <<<<<<<<<<<

We do. It's called time.

(and no contact)

NoelleR

Y'all do realize that this thread is from three years ago...........right?