elle88

My husband had been staying with his mother, he left/she kicked him out/I don't really know what happened. He has a job, needed a place to stay until he got paid to pay for an apartment. I let him stay with me for a few days. He stole my car in the middle of the night, crashed into a pole and my car is totaled.

I cannot believe that I believed the words he said to allow me to allow him back into my house. Even after all I know about him and after all the lies he has told me before. I am incredibly stupid to think he had actually been clean.
He hasn't lived with me for months, and I never wanted to divorce because I loved him so much and I wanted him to get better and I believed that he would.

I called a lawyer this week and I am divorcing him.
Having a very stressful week anyway with the car being totaled, required overtime at work, the insurance company and adjusters, and trying to find another car. My poor little boy is so confused, & it's my fault, I've confused him. Letting his father into our home for even a second makes me an awful mother, I should've known he was still using. Why the heck believe him??! What is wrong with me!?

My car is drive-able, he drove it home that night in shambles, and it has been in my driveway since, a horrible ugly smashed up reminder of how stupid I am.

LoveMeNow

I am so sorry Elle! I understand your pain so well. I will say a prayer for you, your son and AH.

Try not to beat yourself up, it only hurts your self esteem more. Be gentle with yourself and know YOU and your son are worth finding peace and happiness. And if this mistakes leads you to that, then it was a mistake worth making.

YearForMe

cars can be fixed sweetheart....that is what insurance is for.

If that's what it took to be DONE......consider it your salvation.

Just remember to breathe......

pacificsunrise

elle88,

you are not stupid. we all have made mistakes hoping that our addicts are actually truthful THIS TIME. we all have been there at one time or another.

you are a wonderful person and just want the best for your family. be gentle with yourself and take care of you and your little boy.

hugs and hope to you two.

Ann

Most times when a marriage ends, you are closing the door on an already empty room. You just needed to "know" it was empty, that there was nothing left to salvage. That's not stupid, that's a lesson well learned and knowledge you needed to move on.

The car can be fixed or replaced. Your heart will heal. One day soon you will wake up to new beginnings and actually notice that the sun is shining.

Hugs

Kindeyes

Sometimes it takes something like this to spur us into action. Many of us have been where you are....the details may be a little different.....but the same nonetheless.

I love what Ann said and I can relate to it so well. Sometimes we are closing a door on a room that is already empty.....we just needed to peek in one more time to make sure. With my XAH and my son, I peeked into that empty room way more times than I should have but I just kept hoping to open that door to discover that it was fully furnished, warm and inviting.....but it was always still empty. That process is a part of denial.....and we only break through that when we're ready. And it takes however long it takes.

I love the saying "if two people tell you it's a horse, it's time to buy a saddle". But I seem to be one who needs to scoop some horse manure before it really sinks in.

Take care of you and your son. One day at a time.

gentle hugs
ke

dollydo

Don't be hard on yourself, consider this a lesson that needed to be learned, first hand. Most important focus on the well being of your child, that is what matters...the car...is just a thing.

Take care.

GoldfishSyn

This may sound unconventional, but I applaud you for still believing. That is something that I have been hard on myself about in the past, but I have come to realize it is one of the traits that I really love about myself. We need to learn from our mistakes, yes, but if we can come out the other side without losing all faith in humanity and believing that good still exists then I think we have won the battle.

elle88

You all are right, if it took s slap in the face like this to realize that I need to divorce him, then it's worth it.
I just really wished I would have realized this sooner. Something more awful could have happened, he could've wrecked into another car and hurt someone.
I'm just so dumbfounded that I actually listened to him as if he was telling me the truth, as if he deserved to be listened to, and then I believed what he said, or maybe I didn't really believe, but wanted to believe so badly that I acted like I did. I don't know.
I have been just amazed at my decision to let him into my house. I would have never done that if he was not talking to me face-to-face. I hadn't seen him in forever, and I loved him, I was doubtful about letting him stay with us and he just kept talking and I somehow said OK. If someone had asked me the day before if I would let him move back in with me, I would've said no, not yet, not until he gets some help.
I'm not worried about the car itself, but I am pissed off that I have to deal with all of this because of him, and because of my decision to let him stay.
I'm pissed that he blamed the whole wreck on my car, (he said the car started shaking and he tried to pull over and hit a pole, this is highly unlikely, the car is newer and was driving fine)
I'm pissed that I don't know if insurance will pay my loan on the car off
I'm mad because my insurance rates will be increasing
I'm mad that I didn't have rental car coverage and I have to bum rides everywhere for me & my son.
This whole thing is a mess.
I am thankful that this is what brought me to realize that I need to divorce this guy, but I am just so mad that I let it come to this before realizing that.

He keeps calling and leaving messages apologizing and wants me to let him come back. He isn't tricking me this time. And he will not trick my little boy, either. I am talking to the lawyer about required drug tests, if he fails them, he does not get visitation.
I moved everything to my name only when I kicked him out the first time, so he has nothing. The house is mine, the accounts are mine, the car was mine, all of the money is in my name, he will not get anything in the divorce. Absolutely nothing.

zoso77

Love will lead you to make decisions that we shouldn't make. Try not to beat yourself up. You're going to need all your strength for what's to come. It's not going to be pleasant, so be kind to yourself.

ZoSo

outtolunch

He's likely thinking it worked in the past, so why not, going forward? Thank goodness it only took a totaled car to get you over the hump. It could have been so much worse.

wicked

Yes, he stole your car!
I understand when you say about face to face.
Not with my ex husband, he couldnt get a quarter out of me.
But my kids, I have to get strong against that.
I was so worried the other day when my 30 yr old called,
I can deal on the phone "no, sorry", but face to face is hard.
He wrecked my car too.
You have what you need to take care of business now.
Be easy on yourself.

Beth

elle88

When I woke up to a wrecked car in my driveway, I kicked him out of the house and called the police to tell them what had happened. They told me that because we were still married, all of my property is mutual property and that is would not be considered stolen. They said if he was being abusive towards me then they could serve him with a protective order, but other than that, they could not do anything.
This happened before, too, (before I kicked him out the first time) when he would steal my things and pawn them for cash to buy heroin, I called them and they wouldn't do anything due to it all being "mutual property". (Of course I didn't tell them about the drugs, I just wanted my stuff back because he actually stole it, none of it was ever his.)
Even though I told them the car was in my name only, still, they said it's mutual property.
Thank goodness my insurance will still pay for the car, because he was not on my policy anymore.

I am just extremely mad about all of this. I should not have let this happened.
I know a totaled car doesn't sound like a big deal, & I know it could have been worse. But if I hadn't let him come back, if I had just divorced him long ago, then I wouldn't have to deal with all of this, it wouldn't even be an issue.

I am seeing the lawyer tomorrow, he said that incorporating drug testing into the decree shouldn't be a problem at all, he said that I could easily get full custody of our son and eliminate his visitation if I wanted. I think that he should not have any visitation until he has been to some kind of rehab or something and then would need to have follow up drug testing to make sure he stays clean (doubtful he will even go to rehab, he still says he can quit whenever and that he goes days w/out using...yeah freaking right)
I also got an order to have child support payments deducted from his paycheck, because he hasn't lived with us for several months (not counting the few days he recently stayed here).
Honestly, now that I think about it, I really haven't had any trouble at all. My insurance company is paying for the car, the lawyer seems confident that this divorce will work out in my favor, and in the best interest of my son, and it was actually quite easy to get the child support order.
I should have done this so long ago. I kept myself hanging on to him with the idea of "love" and although I probably still love him, (not really so much right at this moment), I know that I don't want him and all of his problems, and I never will. He will never be the man he was when I fell in love with him, and I am so thankful to have realized that, just wished I'd done that sooner.

Adalie

You're not stupid and you're not a terrible mother, you were taken advantage of by a manipulative addict. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You made a mistake but are learning from it and moving forward with all the appropriate steps. Take care of you and your son and never look back.

* Adalie

itsanewday2011

Hi Elle,

My heart goes out to you.

Let me know if you want to chat about divorce and visitation, etc...I am not sure how old your son is, but my Ex was in active addiction while I filed last year and during the process of getting divorced. During that time we had a visitation schedule for his supervised time with our daughter (which my attorney highly encouraged me to keep to the schedule so it wouldn't be viewed as me "withholding parenting time"). But, there were several times where he was high and I should have just ended the visits. One time he was pretty verbally abusive - I should have called the cops then and there.

Happy to chat offline w/ you about it if you want.

Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and are doing the right thing. Don't beat yourself up. It took me 3 years to get a clue to divorce my ex.

Take care of you and your son. Hugs.