When kids want to contact their AF
 

I have been trying to have as little contact as possible with my AH. We very recently separated, and he claims he has been clean for 7 days. DOC is cocaine.

The problem is that our 2 kids (9 and 10 years) want to keep in contact with him. I don't know what to do about that. I have explained addiction to them and they understand that it drives him to make very bad choices. But they still believe him every time he says he's sorry and will never do it again.

I want to protect them and feel it is my duty to do so, but I also see them displacing their anger toward their AF at me when I impose no contact rules for them. It is hurtful to me when they get angry, but what concerns me more is that they are not processing their anger toward their AF.

Last night my daughter sneaked downstairs and called him while I was upstairs. I asked her afterward if it made her feel bad, and she said no, that she felt a lot better after she talked to him. I think, through my example, the kids have become very codependent. I plan to start taking them to alateen meetings. What else can I do in this situation?

Counseling for the kids would probably be a good idea. Is there any set visitation? Maybe supervised visits through the courts too. That way the kids get to see their dad and you will know that the visits are safe.

I have never been in this situation but have a friend who was. Her kids were extremely angry at her for a while but once they got older they realized their mom was just trying to protect them and they thank her for shielding them from the craziness. It will be hard for a while but as long as you're doing what's best for the kids everything will eventually work out.

Hang in there!

Would it be possible to arrange court supervised visitation paid for by the dad man?

This, a thousand times this. Schedule these, plan some special acivities. The AH is sure to screw up, and the kids will see this for themselves. Also document these events as you may need this in future legal proceedings.

Thank you all. I'm sure each state is a different, but do you have any idea how I go about arranging court supervised visitation? I haven't gone to the courts at all, partly because I don't know where to start and don't have money for a lawyer. We had a custody agreement drawn up before we were married that basically stated that all his visits had to be supervised by me or someone that I deemed appropriate. But I assume that is null and void at this point since I later married him. (I'm a slow learner in this area.)

I don't have any advice for you, but I'm in a similar situation with my AH & my kiddos. Except mine are much smaller, and I have no clue how to explain addiction to a 3 and a 5 year old. Just wanted to let you know you're not the only one in this boat.:grouphug:

Thanks beeswax. There is some good info on the stickies about explaining addiction as a sickness. I think the most important thing is honesty, but obviously you would have to simplify for younger children. We pray for my AH a lot. That is what I tell them to do when they are feeling bad, and it does help. I may just supervise the visits myself...just need to make sure I don't fall back into the codependency trap that I am still trying to climb out of.