Please help me to be strong.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Kingposrt
Posts: 10
Please help me to be strong.
My daughter has been gone for around 2 months from my home. She called me this morning and told me that she has a court date tomorrow for a suspended license. She missed a court date for shop lifting. She hasn't kept apts. with her probation officer either.
Anyway, she called and asked me for 20 dollars to buy a subutex because she knows she will be going to jail tomorrow. I said No. She didn't want to be sick tomorrow...anyway....I haven't given her any money in a long time...as she has depleted me in every way...she was given every opportunity with my support to get sober, but she chose to go hang with these low life's....
Anyway, my heart is broken. I am sitting here crying as I write as I don't know if I will ever get my daughter back....I'm scared for her and I am trying to be strong not to help her out with money or support....even when going to jail. I finally cut the phone off....
I could use any kind words that I have done the right thing....I am filled with such sorrow, my heart bleeds......such pain is hard to endure....
I never dreamed in my whole life that this would be my daughter's world....
Thank you for any help...
Anyway, she called and asked me for 20 dollars to buy a subutex because she knows she will be going to jail tomorrow. I said No. She didn't want to be sick tomorrow...anyway....I haven't given her any money in a long time...as she has depleted me in every way...she was given every opportunity with my support to get sober, but she chose to go hang with these low life's....
Anyway, my heart is broken. I am sitting here crying as I write as I don't know if I will ever get my daughter back....I'm scared for her and I am trying to be strong not to help her out with money or support....even when going to jail. I finally cut the phone off....
I could use any kind words that I have done the right thing....I am filled with such sorrow, my heart bleeds......such pain is hard to endure....
I never dreamed in my whole life that this would be my daughter's world....
Thank you for any help...
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
(((Musicta))) I'm so sorry to hear about your daughter.
The person who sent me searching the internet for help is my stepson. "Jr." is an alcoholic and is addicted to crack among other things. I totally understand the pain you feel. My stepson has been in and out of jail several times, and to prison once--he is 30 years old.
We, Mr. HG and I, no longer give him anything. "Jr's" life is his to do with as he pleases. It can be terribly painful to know that he is still making poor choices, but we know they are his to make.
He is surviving. He recently moved to another state for work. We are peaceful and joy has returned because we do not allow his drama to be front and center in our lives.
Many hugs to you! You are doing the right thing by allowing your daughter the dignity to lead her own life, make her own choices, and deal with the consequences of those choices.
The person who sent me searching the internet for help is my stepson. "Jr." is an alcoholic and is addicted to crack among other things. I totally understand the pain you feel. My stepson has been in and out of jail several times, and to prison once--he is 30 years old.
We, Mr. HG and I, no longer give him anything. "Jr's" life is his to do with as he pleases. It can be terribly painful to know that he is still making poor choices, but we know they are his to make.
He is surviving. He recently moved to another state for work. We are peaceful and joy has returned because we do not allow his drama to be front and center in our lives.
Many hugs to you! You are doing the right thing by allowing your daughter the dignity to lead her own life, make her own choices, and deal with the consequences of those choices.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
You truly are doing the right thing. If you are like me you have tried everything to save her, so remember that and that no matter how much we love them, they have to save themselves.
Like you, I was being drawn into a dark hole by my son's addiction. If I hadn't let go, I would have gone down with him.
My prayers go out for your daughter, that this leads her to wanting a better path.
Hugs
Like you, I was being drawn into a dark hole by my son's addiction. If I hadn't let go, I would have gone down with him.
My prayers go out for your daughter, that this leads her to wanting a better path.
Hugs
1000 Post Club
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 2,284
Some jails (especially in big urban cities) have methadone avaiable if the addict has opietes in their system & having problems withdrawing. Also, their have been studies that show heroin addicts have less withdrawal symptoms than usual when they end up in jail. Probably the shock of having freedom taken away and/or the controlling nature of jails. It's her problem though & she will get through it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
If she is anything like my daughter was when she was active, she has no intention of showing at court and the whole thing is contrived to motivate you to give her money to buy dope and around it goes.
I think you are doing the right thing by ceasing to fund anything.
Consider therapy to help you deal with your emotional pain and grief. EMDR therapy is especially helpful in detaching from trauma.
I think you are doing the right thing by ceasing to fund anything.
Consider therapy to help you deal with your emotional pain and grief. EMDR therapy is especially helpful in detaching from trauma.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
I am so sorry for the pain I know you are going through. I would guess that you do know you are doing the right things, but it does not make it hurt less. You are showing her much love, in not enabling her to use, or to use you. She needs this wake up call, in order to want a better life. it has to hurt to make them want to change.
I send hugs, and prayers for things to turn around for your daughter. I pray for strength for you too. to see past the pain of saying no, and to see that you are loving her too much to take away her facing consequences. It surely does hurt to do the best things sometimes.
big hugs and prayers,
chicory
I send hugs, and prayers for things to turn around for your daughter. I pray for strength for you too. to see past the pain of saying no, and to see that you are loving her too much to take away her facing consequences. It surely does hurt to do the best things sometimes.
big hugs and prayers,
chicory
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Take it from a recovering addict. It sounds like she is taking the opportunity to try and manipulate you into giving her money that she will in turn use to get high.
Lets just say she does show up at her court date. Is it your fault that she will detox? No, it is hers. She chose to use and detoxing in jail is part of the consequences of the choices she has made.
Like Cynical said, file it in the "not my problem" folder.
Hugs to you. Hang in there. My mother went through hell and back when I was in active addiction. The two best things she did for me was to stop enabling me and to pray for me. I can't thank her enough
Passion
Lets just say she does show up at her court date. Is it your fault that she will detox? No, it is hers. She chose to use and detoxing in jail is part of the consequences of the choices she has made.
Like Cynical said, file it in the "not my problem" folder.
Hugs to you. Hang in there. My mother went through hell and back when I was in active addiction. The two best things she did for me was to stop enabling me and to pray for me. I can't thank her enough
Passion
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Musicta, you did the right thing. She is not being honest with you and your heart knows this. Something that Kind Eyes said on a different post has really stuck with me.
Our A's put us in FOG. Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Whenever you feel these things, know that the A is getting to you. Many of us have done exactly the same thing and then when our children are trying, we try too. Jail is a good path towards bottom, but not always THE bottom. Be strong, pray and know that HP is working all the time for our lives and our loved ones.
Our A's put us in FOG. Fear, Obligation and Guilt. Whenever you feel these things, know that the A is getting to you. Many of us have done exactly the same thing and then when our children are trying, we try too. Jail is a good path towards bottom, but not always THE bottom. Be strong, pray and know that HP is working all the time for our lives and our loved ones.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
I wish I could reach through cyberspace and give you a hug. This stuff with our adult children is tough. They know our buttons better than we do and they go straight for them.
It's so hard to let go of them-- it goes against the very nature of a parent......particularly a mother.
I rely so heavily on the Serenity Prayer. The word courage always stands out for me. It takes an enormous amount of courage to let our sons and daughters go and turn them over to a power greater than ourselves. To let go of the fear. And to allow them the full power of the consequences. It's hard. Really hard. Many of us are walking that path and we understand the second guessing, beating ourselves up, wondering "am I doing the right thing?". We fear the worst and hope and pray for Devine intervention.
gentle hugs from another mother
ke
It's so hard to let go of them-- it goes against the very nature of a parent......particularly a mother.
I rely so heavily on the Serenity Prayer. The word courage always stands out for me. It takes an enormous amount of courage to let our sons and daughters go and turn them over to a power greater than ourselves. To let go of the fear. And to allow them the full power of the consequences. It's hard. Really hard. Many of us are walking that path and we understand the second guessing, beating ourselves up, wondering "am I doing the right thing?". We fear the worst and hope and pray for Devine intervention.
gentle hugs from another mother
ke
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
It is so hard to let go of our children, no matter what age they are. When we parents are dealing with an addicted son or daughter, we must let go for their sake. They must be allowed to face the consequences on their own if there is to be any hope of their future recovery. It is easier said than done. We parents here can all attest to that, but we can change how we react to what our kids tell us and what our kids do.
Recently my 28 year old son called to tell me he thinks he has a bleeding ulcer. He had no job, no insurance, no money to pay for a doctor's visit. My first thought was he wanted me to help him pay for a doctor's visit. Maybe he didn't actually, he was just telling me his symptoms and wanted to know what to do about the ulcers. I seem to find myself feeling like I am being selfish not wanting to help my son when he has a legitimate ailment like a bleeding ulcer. However, my husband and I had recently been through a kidney stone problem that led to a relapse because of the pain meds that were prescribed to him (and my husband and I unwittingly funded) and my radar came up again when he said he had a bleeding ulcer. I'm very leery now when my son tells me he's not feeling well. I don't want to fall for any more supposed ailments. My son ended up going to an emergency room and his father and I were not involved in any way--other than to later ask how he is feeling.
My first reaction tends to be "How can I fix this problem" but I am getting better about my second reaction being "But this is not my problem." Progress.
Recently my 28 year old son called to tell me he thinks he has a bleeding ulcer. He had no job, no insurance, no money to pay for a doctor's visit. My first thought was he wanted me to help him pay for a doctor's visit. Maybe he didn't actually, he was just telling me his symptoms and wanted to know what to do about the ulcers. I seem to find myself feeling like I am being selfish not wanting to help my son when he has a legitimate ailment like a bleeding ulcer. However, my husband and I had recently been through a kidney stone problem that led to a relapse because of the pain meds that were prescribed to him (and my husband and I unwittingly funded) and my radar came up again when he said he had a bleeding ulcer. I'm very leery now when my son tells me he's not feeling well. I don't want to fall for any more supposed ailments. My son ended up going to an emergency room and his father and I were not involved in any way--other than to later ask how he is feeling.
My first reaction tends to be "How can I fix this problem" but I am getting better about my second reaction being "But this is not my problem." Progress.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Kingposrt
Posts: 10
Thank you, thank you, thank you all for your encouragement and insight. I sit hear crying as I read your responses to my posts. Our addict kids or family members really know how to play us. But, I'm being strong and not giving in to her lies...
Prayer, prayer, prayer and more prayer is all I can do.
Hugs to you all.
Prayer, prayer, prayer and more prayer is all I can do.
Hugs to you all.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 455
If your D goes to jail, they will have a medical services if she needs it withdrawing. Later, the court system might be able to get her into a rehab also. However, I am skeptical about her story.
You did the right thing. Many times my AD fooled me into giving her cash and later mocked me for enabling her. You don't need to go through that.
You did the right thing. Many times my AD fooled me into giving her cash and later mocked me for enabling her. You don't need to go through that.
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