Help and Advice needed !
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 12
Help and Advice needed !
Ok so i have been CO-DEPENDANT and also ENABLED my partner while he is on Heroin . I know i should put our children and myself first . But before anyone comments i just want to say i dont give him money , i dont allow him to use drugs in my home and i dont
allow him to be intoxicated around my children or myself (not that he listens to that part just denies he is high) and i dont allow him to live with me anymore he has to live in a hostel . I'm still willing to give him support if he wants it , He is due to be released from prison on friday so i know he has done his detox (his probation officer has told me this) . What is the best thing for me to do ? Also when do you know they have changed ? That might sound like a silly Q but because he has manipulated more times than i can remember i just dont know when he is being truthful
.
Advice would be appreciated
Thank you
allow him to be intoxicated around my children or myself (not that he listens to that part just denies he is high) and i dont allow him to live with me anymore he has to live in a hostel . I'm still willing to give him support if he wants it , He is due to be released from prison on friday so i know he has done his detox (his probation officer has told me this) . What is the best thing for me to do ? Also when do you know they have changed ? That might sound like a silly Q but because he has manipulated more times than i can remember i just dont know when he is being truthful
.Advice would be appreciated
Thank you
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Well, I would not let him move back home until he is clean and sober, and, working a strong recovery program for at least 1 year...minimum. He is an adult, his recovery is totally up to him, it is his responsibility
In the meantime, I would get myself to Naranon or Alanon meetings, whatever, it in your area. I would read Codependent No More and all the stickeys at the top of this forum. And, if any of your children are teens I would find a local Alateen meeting for them.
Addiction has tenacles that reach far and wide and affect everyone they come in contact with...no exception...children suffer the most, I know, I am a product of an abusive/alcoholic childhood.
I am glad that you have decided to post again...believe me...we are not your enemy...
your enemy is addiction.
In the meantime, I would get myself to Naranon or Alanon meetings, whatever, it in your area. I would read Codependent No More and all the stickeys at the top of this forum. And, if any of your children are teens I would find a local Alateen meeting for them.
Addiction has tenacles that reach far and wide and affect everyone they come in contact with...no exception...children suffer the most, I know, I am a product of an abusive/alcoholic childhood.
I am glad that you have decided to post again...believe me...we are not your enemy...
your enemy is addiction.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi EMZ,
I think my best advice would be to watch his actions, don't listen to his words. If his actions don't prove to you that he is done using, then he isn't. Truth is in the actions.
Does he have a plan to stay clean once he is released? Personally, I would not want to be involved with someone unless they had at least 1 year of decent recovery time.
Take good care! HG
I think my best advice would be to watch his actions, don't listen to his words. If his actions don't prove to you that he is done using, then he isn't. Truth is in the actions.
Does he have a plan to stay clean once he is released? Personally, I would not want to be involved with someone unless they had at least 1 year of decent recovery time.
Take good care! HG
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: St. Louis, Mo. USA
Posts: 265
"When do you know they have changed ?"
That I think is one of the hardest questions to answer.
Who really know when they have really chosen to abstain from the addiction and change there ways. They do but they need to be working a program to maintain it. Lies have destroyed the trust.
Trust comes later ......, they must earn the trust back and that is really something that takes years to do by constantly proving themselves over and extended period of time.
For me, learning and working the twelve steps of Nar-Anon and working the program. I have learned to identify when my AS's were working the program or falling off of the wagon. We have been through several relapses over the years, We just pick ourselves back up and start working the program again Just with a new clean date. I can tell they are working the steps and dealing with there own issues. {You see relapse is part of recovery.}
Before you do anything for them ask yourself, what benefit is there for me? And will this make it easier for them to get there drug? ( in any way shape or form.)
You also have been affected by the disease and need to have a program to help you deal with the issue of dealing with the A. I suggest Nar-anon F2F meeting.
Be well,
That I think is one of the hardest questions to answer.
Who really know when they have really chosen to abstain from the addiction and change there ways. They do but they need to be working a program to maintain it. Lies have destroyed the trust.
Trust comes later ......, they must earn the trust back and that is really something that takes years to do by constantly proving themselves over and extended period of time.
For me, learning and working the twelve steps of Nar-Anon and working the program. I have learned to identify when my AS's were working the program or falling off of the wagon. We have been through several relapses over the years, We just pick ourselves back up and start working the program again Just with a new clean date. I can tell they are working the steps and dealing with there own issues. {You see relapse is part of recovery.}
Before you do anything for them ask yourself, what benefit is there for me? And will this make it easier for them to get there drug? ( in any way shape or form.)
You also have been affected by the disease and need to have a program to help you deal with the issue of dealing with the A. I suggest Nar-anon F2F meeting.
Be well,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Value yourself and your children more than this man child. Allow his actions, not words, determine whether or not to allow him back into your lives. Can he sustain employment for a year and make consistent financial controibutions to his family's welfare? This is what adult fathers do.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 184
if hes on heroin, you're kidding yourself to think hes not high/using in your home. If hes not CLEAN, hes ALWAYS high and WILL use in your home. My brother used to say the same thing and everyone else believed him. Meanwhile hes around my niece/nephew, nodding off almost burning them with cigarettes.
The only way I PERSONALLY know my brother is in recovery (which has only been like 6 months of his 15 years of addiction) is him showing overwhelming humility. If you or a sponsor or a councilor tells him what to do he says "OK" if he hasnt already done it. "I dont NEED to do it that way" or "You can get clean without _____" or "Im different and I can handle it" are all seeds that grow into relapse. Also I agree with what everyone else said.
The only way I PERSONALLY know my brother is in recovery (which has only been like 6 months of his 15 years of addiction) is him showing overwhelming humility. If you or a sponsor or a councilor tells him what to do he says "OK" if he hasnt already done it. "I dont NEED to do it that way" or "You can get clean without _____" or "Im different and I can handle it" are all seeds that grow into relapse. Also I agree with what everyone else said.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
The only way I PERSONALLY know my brother is in recovery (which has only been like 6 months of his 15 years of addiction) is him showing overwhelming humility. If you or a sponsor or a councilor tells him what to do he says "OK" if he hasnt already done it. "I dont NEED to do it that way" or "You can get clean without _____" or "Im different and I can handle it" are all seeds that grow into relapse. Also I agree with what everyone else said.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
The humility thing is a very good point. My RABF was showing that when he was good and ready to find recovery. We could tell my ASD was not ready for recovery because she was not showing humility. She was still saying that she was different and she couldn't survive without the heroin.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
Urgh I have to call you on this.
You are not going to get good, sensible advice and opinions from a harm reduction forum full of active heroin addicts. You are not. They're telling you exactly what your partner would tell you- give him another chance for the sake of the kids? Sorry, wtf.
Please listen to what we're telling you at SR.
You are not going to get good, sensible advice and opinions from a harm reduction forum full of active heroin addicts. You are not. They're telling you exactly what your partner would tell you- give him another chance for the sake of the kids? Sorry, wtf.
Please listen to what we're telling you at SR.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
