December2011

Weird day, my sons XGF and her husband took me out to lunch. She spent 4 years with my son during his addiction, and she is clean and sober now, going to meetings and even church. Some part of me liked the time we had today, because I never had a daughter, and I love to see her doing well, but part of me feels like a trader, because I know how much it would hurt my son if he knew that she took me to lunch.

Should I accept these invitations in the future, or tell her it is not a good idea? Also, her mother is an oxy addict, and her pop is an alcoholic, so that pulls on my heart strings.

laurie6781

It could become something of a 'sticky wicket'.

However, if it were me, and I did enjoy her company, then I would wait until the next invitation, if there is one, and see where my AS is at that time (maybe in recovery, and understanding, or still in active addiction and he wouldn't understand at all and be hurt, and use it as another excuse to use.) Then if need be I would explain to her that as much as I really enjoyed our last get together, I just do not feel comfortable at this time with AS being where he is at. Or I would accept.

I do not 'intentionally' hurt the A's in my life, but I do not live my life for the A's in my life. Again, if it were me, even if my having lunch with the XRGF of my AS might give AS an excuse, if I truly enjoyed her company, I would probably be inclined to accept. This would just be a consequence of AS's actions.

It is not something that has to be decided today and you will have some time to decide what your answer will be.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

December2011

TY, Laurie,
She now lives right down the street from me, and I do not have contact with my son, who is still in active addiction. This is a tough one. She lived with me during the "bad times" I guess I just felt good that at least her life is going well, I just want to support that. Bad thing is, that her now husband was an addict, now in recovery, but she told me he overdosed 4 months ago and was in the hospital---- the plot thickens---Anyhow, just not sure about the whole thing.

December2011

You know-- I don't want to get into drama again, but not sure if it is drama, caz she is doing so well, but I look at her husband, and am worried. I do not want to get caught up in any BS again, but I want to be a decent person about it.

Kindeyes

Personally I can't make my decisions on my own relationships based upon how it will make my AS feel. If I did that I would be:

1. Allowing him to continue to control me.
2. I would have no relationships other than with my AS (man.....that's a really scary thought)

My son hates my husband. He resents his sister and everyone else in our family. He resents my friends because he feels they influence me. He hates his Xgf because she is the mother of his son and she won't let him see the child because he (my son) is a meth addict.

But I still have a good relationship with most of those people. I don't do it to hurt him. I have a relationship with them because I have the right to live my life and like/love whomever I choose to like/love. I don't empower my AS to control my relationships with others......but if given the chance, he would in a heartbeat.

And the relationship my son's Xgf has with her current bf is simply none of my business unless my grandson was at risk....which he isn't.

Avoiding another person because of how it might make my son feel would be allowing him an unhealthy control over my life. As long as my motives for having a relationship with a person is healthy and not one based on curiosity, gossip, or any other inappropriate motive and is simply because I care about them.......it's none of my AS's business.

gentle hugs
ke

laurie6781

That does change things. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm, well then I would wait and see if she calls, and if she does, what she wants to talk about. If she dwells too much on the addict husband, I think I would suggest she find some Naranon and/or Alanon and let it go. I would not become her sounding post for her possible codependency issues, as there would be too much baggage there from before.

J M H O on what I would do.

Unfortunately I/we cannot tell you what to do for you. I do understand that this is quite a dilemma. I hope for you sake you do not have to make that decision that she was just 'catching up with you.'

Love and hugs,

Chino

December, if you decide to interact with her, it sounds like you might have opportunities to practice detachment. How do you feel about that?