EMZ

Ok here goes.....I was 13 years young when i met Jake who was 14 we started going out together through friends it was so exciting he was my first ever proper boyfriend .We got on so well as the days turned in to weeks and the weeks turned in to months we grew closer we were in love .We had a large group of friends we were always together in a gang doing what teenagers did drinking , smoking , doing weed i loved the weekends we would have a right scream all together . This one Friday night we could'nt get anyone to go and get our booze for us we waited for hours by our local shop then our luck was in it was Ricky a heroin addict (who lived with his girlfriend nextdoor to me) He went in and got our cider for us and he just sort off tagged along with us . After that he became part of our gang even though we knew he was a smack head he was great to get on with and besides we were just kids we didnt really know much about heroin at that time . Jake and Ricky became close friends were they would go off together a lot ....I was now 15 years old Jake was 16 . Jake could now get served for booze in the corner shop for some reason they thought he was 18 anyway it was saturday night and Jake said he would meet us by the shop to get our booze for us ....He didnt turn up ! But we managed to get someone else to get it for us , A few hours later when we had drank our booze we were walking up my road and decided to sit on some posts on the bottom of an entry 5 mins later Jake came running down the entry he said "I'm sorry i fell asleep in Paul's house"( Paul was another heroin user ) I looked at him and his eyes looked really weird i said to him "You look high " He said that he had a couple of joints with Paul and Ricky then he fell asleep , I turned around and walked away from him there was something what was not right! The next 12 months went by i turned sweet 16 as they say , Christmas came and went by . January was here we were walking around our block board shittless went to Jakes house to call for him he came by the door and said he wasnt coming out tonight , I didnt see much of him anymore although we were still together as we walked down his garden path he shouted me back and said i have got something to tell you but you have to waite untill Friday ! For the next 3 days all i did was think about what he wanted to tell me ? Friday was here i got home from school and waited for Jake to come he did at 6 clock i ran to the door expecting to hear 'were finished' But instead of that he said come on lets got for a walk so off we went , we got on the entry and thats when he blurted it out " I'M A SMACKHEAD" What ? Was i hearing things ? Thats when it hit me OMG! Its true it all makes sence now that night he didnt turn up to the shop and i seen him after and his eyes looked strange , he had been spending a lot of time with Ricky and Paul he had lost interest in me and the rest of our friends . I just stood there in disbelief i couldnt stand what i was hearing i started to attack him then i just cryed , cryed my ****** eyes out why? why? i kept repeating over and over again . He said its ok now im getting clean thats why i could not come out the other night as i had been doing my detox at home my mum had took me to the doctor and i had medication so im now over the withdrawles . We chatted for a while and i agreed i would stand by him and support him (i still didnt know much about heroin at the time if only i knew how much of a demon it wuld become) . Weeks went by February came it was exam month at school i woke up one morning with bad pains in my back but i had to go to school in the morning as i had my childcare exam , I did my exam then left school to go to the doctors i gave a urine sample in to the nurse and told her i was certain i had a kidney infection coming on me .The nurse tested my urine with several strips then turned and said to me "you have not got a kidney infection your pregnant" Wow i had to sit down i had all different feelings going through my body she estimated that i was about 6 weeks pregnant ! I ran to Jakes house to tell him the news that he was going to be a daddy he was really happy we both were . A couple of weeks later though the happiness soon went as Jake had relapsed he had gone back to that devil drug i was heart broken for the next 8 months i was on a rollercoaster . Due date came and went i was 10 days late when i finally gave birth to a beautiful baby girl , Jake was with me all the way through labour (he had been clean for a couple of months ) we went home and we both adjusted in to parenting straight away . Our daughter was about 3 months old when Jake had yet again gone back to H , 6 months later i decided i had better come clean to my mum what was going on with me "mum i think im pregnant again" my mum said i knew it ! I had been in denial even with a HUGE belly she took me straight to our gp who sent me for an emergency scan but i was that far gone they could not give me an exact date to when i was due ! That night i started in labour i went to the hospital the next morning in an ambulance Jake met me there he was high as a kite but i was in to much pain to care i later found out of his sister that he had injected H right before coming to the hospital i was furious anyway we had a second baby daughter . This time i was not so happy because i had denied my pregnancy i could not bond with the new baby i had postnatal deppression . A few weeks later i decided to get an injunction against Jake as he was dragging me down with his addiction i was 17 years old with 2 kids and he was demanding money of me all the time and had also started mentally abusing me . About 3 months later i went to a party with jakes cousin it was his auntys surprize party at the party i met a lad Jakes cousin we decided to bring him and his mate back to my house for a drink worst thing i could have possibly done ! Jake found out and regardless to the fact he was not allowed anywere near me he came to my house kicking off he smashed my window then kicked my door completley of its hinges i tryed to push him out while the others got out but he chased them and pulled a knife out i ran and wrestled with him and ended up getting stabbed twice in the hand (he didnt do this delibretly to me it was a accident ) He got arrested and was sent to prison for 12 months . A few months passed by then one day i got a letter of him saying that he was now clean of drugs and that he still loved me etc i agreed to give him my phone number and he rang me hearing his voice was so good i realized i was still in love with him and met him the day he got out of jail ...6 weeks later yep as you already probably guessed i was pregnant again and he had yet again gone back on drugs . OMG what have i done?? I was now 19 with 2 kids and pregnant on my third i begged and pleaded with jake to come off the drugs he tried and tried but just couldnt stay away from heroin . The night our son was born the police had kicked my door through looking for Jake they caught him a few weeks later they arrested him on suspision of burglary he went to court and pleaded guilty .I could not belive it how could he sink so low? how has he turned in to this monster? He was given 2 years in jail , Again i decided to stay with him hoping and praying that he would kick his habit this time , His release date came and he looked so well he even got a job and looked after us like he was ment too . 6 weeks later ....he had relapsed back to heroin again . The police were soon on his trail and he was arrested for burglarys again this time he was give 3 years so he would have to do 18 months . I stuck by him as usual because i belived that we would get our happy ending i loved him so much and i know he loved me too he hated his life of drugs and crime and he hated hurting me and his kids he just could not control his addiction .....his addiction controlled him ! He got out was clean for 6 weeks and BANG the demon was back in his veins , Despite that fact we were using protection finally i was yet again pregnant on our fourth baby the same cycle happened again , Me STILL hanging on to hope stayed with him he was only recalled back to jail as he was on licence so didnt have much time to do he got out when our second son was 5 weeks old he did well this time he had a relapse but got back on the wagon , I had an appointment to have the coil fitted when i went for it they discovered i was pregnant again after a long think i decided to have the baby another boy , Jake had fallen off the wagon again and gone back to jail He was now classed as a ppo priority prolific offender he got out when our youngest son was 16 months old stayed out for a few months then got arrseted on more burgs he was given 4 years , He got out dec 11 after serving 2 1/2 years inside we had our 1st family christmas together he was doing really well he was taking naltroxone but in late february of this year he relapsed Again HIs probation officer did a 28 day re-call on him to stop things spiralling out of control he was caught on his 31st birthday and he is due out on the 20th of april next week , I'm 29 years old now and addiction has ruined my life even though i am not the addict , I know everyone thinks im stupid for not leaving him .........I think its because im addicted to him! I cant help but love him we are soul mates and its so hard to turn my back on him . I'm atm doing the tough love i have told him i can not go through this anymore i have had enough of it all , and i recieve a phone call of him every couple of days in tears begging me to take him back that he has learnt his lesson and he thought i would never leave him and that he chooses me and his kids over heroin he has had enough of the drugs and he is gonna get every little bit of help he can to stay off them , M y head is up my arse what do i do ? Only i can decide that , Heroin is evil it changes people it turns them in to monsters , They will do anything for their next hit ........Even if it kills them

EMZ

I'm sorry but i have changed his name

suki44883

I'm trying to read all that, but it is VERY difficult if it isn't broken into paragraphs.

EMZ

Sorry i joined this site 3 years ago , and had totally forgot about it , So now im back to learning how it works , Sorry i have made it difficult for you to read/understand
Emma xx

outtolunch

You and he have been teaching your children how to treat and be treated by others, all along. Kids in unstable enviornments have a tendency to think they are unworthy of normal that carries significant potential to impact them for the rest of their lives.

Perhaps this time you might want to consider giving him the dignity of proving he is done and is ready, willing and able to provide for his family before bringing him back into his family's life.

Can he sustain employment for one year and make meaningful financial contributions to his family? This is what adults/real fathers do, ya know.

And if he can't, you will have spared your children and yourself from further devastation, chaos and the insanity of addiction.

dollydo

You have a minor child do the right thing for her, she does not deserve to be exposed to this madness. She has already inherited the gene that predisposes her to addiction...isn't that enough baggage to carry into adulthood? She learns by example, are you setting a good example for her? A child needs one responsibile parent, be that parent.

dollydo

I reread your post...seems like there are alot of children involved here...may be time to put them first, those children are the true victims, being exposed to all your insanity with him is abuse.

December2011

*can't find my glasses!!!!

December2011

"..I think its because im addicted to him! I cant help but love him we are soul mates and its so hard to turn my back on him ."

Deciding not to enable him is the opposite of turning your back on him.

I used to think there was such a thing as another human being my "soul mate", but I am not so sure about that. As time has passed in my life I have come to see my HP as my "soul mate" if that makes sense.

Sometimes I advise people to read the the posts in the adult children of addicts/ alcoholics room--- that will give you an idea of what happens to kids who are exposed to that poison growing up.

Glad you are here )

EMZ

I understand what your saying dollydo , Thats why i have posted my story here so i can find support from people who are going through similar situations to myself , My children will always come before anyone else . What i wish for is a normal life with my children and their father unfortunatley it's not as easy as that I really wish i could just turn my back on him

EMZ

My children will always come first and always have , I dont allow them to see their father when he is intoxicated or i dont allow him to use in our home or even live in our home when he is in active addiction , I came here for support from people who are going/been through similar situations to myself . I feel like everyone is having a go at me , I'm sorry i came here now

Windmills

What you wish for is irrelevant. What he could be, should be, would be, even used to be? Irrelevant. Focus on what he is now. He's not going to wake up tomorrow or next week and be the teenage boy you once knew, before drugs. I personally found that when I let go of the dream of a 'normal' family and accepted that my child's father is an abusive heroin addict, things became clearer. That dream is way way out of reach. Nothing YOU can do can make it happen. You've tried and you've tried.. Maybe it's time to try something new, like focusing on yourself and the kids.
Your children deserve a stable, safe environment to grow up in. You can create that for them. Their father is not capable of being a part of that safe place right now.

Windmills

I have been through a very similar situation, as have many others here. I know how painful it is, how an addict can tear you to shreds if you allow it. Noone here is going to tell you it's ok to carry on the way you are, but please don't ever feel judged. We know how you're hurting, because we were there too.

December2011

EMZ!!!!! Listen. When you leave and stop enabling, you are NOT turning your back on him!


EMZ, I know that is hard to grasp, and I am sooo glad you are here and taking a step in the right direction.
BUT...
EMZ, I had to turn my only son out on the street, because of his addiction, I did it because I love him. He has to fall on his own, decide to recover on his own.

December2011

One more thing-- I am a knuckle head-- and it took me a long long time to find the truth about addiction and enabling, I have faith in you, that when you are ready, you will see it so clearly, and that light bulb will go off in your head

micealc

I loved you

-------------------------------.

I loved you
I gave you my heart and soul
I tried so hard to help you

I waited for you
Every night I cried in the dark
I told our babies that your sick
That you still love us

Why do you leave me here
To pick up the ruins of the life we made
To watch our babies cry for you

I don't know what to do anymore
Should I just move on
My heart is broken*
It hurts so bad

You are somewhere getting high
You left me all alone*
All I want is my best friend back

I don't understand
I needed you*
How can you hurt us
How can you hurt me

You told me you would love me forever
You promised you would protect us
When did you become the person
*we need to be protected from

I have nightmares
That you're dead
That i can't do this by myself

I can never sleep*
I'm afraid you'll come home*
And I won't see you

I gave up everything for you
How can you walk by and not
Come home

I sit crying in the dark
So our babies won't see
I have to be strong
But I don't want to anymore
I want to give up
I'm so tired

From......
Partner of an addict.

Does this story sound familure....
My advice is get to an AlAnon Meeting....There you'll Meet people coping with Addictive Partners....Turning Things Around.

bluebelle

You said this yourself--you can't go through this again.

Whenever you start to doubt yourself, just look back at what you wrote. It must feel awful each time that he goes through this downward spiral and goes back to jail. Then, you are away from him while he is in jail. It sounds like a very scary and choatic life.

You can't change what he's going to do. He is going to make choices. His past history shows him making a lot of poor choices.

You can get off the roller coaster ride at any time. You can choose to make the world for you and your children a happy, protected place. You can have peace and life can be predictable. You have the power to do this for yourself and your children.