hades

My AXB attempted to make amends with a girl he stole money from. His junkie friend's girlfriend. He stole her car and card a week ago. She filed a police report. He contacted her, said he wanted to pay her back and wanted to make amends. She told me this.

He seems very affected and overwhelmed with guilt over this situation. However, he truly does not care about things he does to ME. I should rephrase that. It takes him a lot longer to apologize and show remorse when I am involved. Why does this random person he's known for 1 month have a strong hold on him, but someone like me, who was beside him for years, he could care less about? I am kind of hurt by his random act of kindness.

He isn't in a program, isn't working the 12 steps. He isn't clean or sober. He is cruel to his Grandmother, Mother and I, but has started making amends with others.

I know there isn't really an answer of why when dealing with someone in active addiction. Just want to hear opinions and experiences.

Lately I am disgusted with him and his choices and I do not want to speak to him or be around him. I have really distanced myself. I am on Spring Break this week from school and I am convinced that is why I am even typing this email. I have too much free time on my hands. Any other day of the week I am SO busy. I don't have much time to think about him or what he's doing. I barely answer his calls.

KelleyF

Just from reading what you wrote; it sounds like it has more to do with this girl filing a police report. If she didn't already close that; perhaps that's why.
Or maybe has something to do with his friend being angry about it. Perhaps he is quite volatile since he's also using.

Freedom1990

Staying busy can be a good thing, but I can tell you from my own experience that staying busy with no recovery in place did not solve the core of the problem...my insides, my thinking, my "broken-ness" if you will, emotionally and psychologically.

As long as my brain was focused on the addict, I didn't have to work on me.

I liken the situation to that of an active alcoholic who just abstains for a period of time (which is not recovery). Staying busy seems to be a common tactic of alcoholics trying to stay sober but refusing to work a program of recovery. Drinking again is never far behind.

For 11 long years after I went through rehab, I refused to look at and address my codependency issues. The periods of time where I wasn't involved with a toxic relationship, I was simply "abstaining," with no recovery. Eventually I would go back to my "addiction of codependency" by finding another toxic relationship.

Perhaps just staying busy will be your solution. My solution involved a commitment to Alanon and working the steps, therapy, and a lot of reading including the book "Codependent No More".

Sending you hugs of support!

outtolunch

She filed a Police Report. Criminals say a lot of things so their victims do not press charges.

dollydo

It is all BS, he just wants her to drop the charges...I hope that she doesn't fall for his nonsense.

Why in the world do you bother with this guy? There is no future with him.

hades

Update: he had no intention of paying her back. He needed a ride and a place to stay, money and some company. So basically, he was trying to squeeze just a bit more out of her.

dollydo

"Update: he had no intention of paying her back. He needed a ride and a place to stay, money and some company. So basically, he was trying to squeeze just a bit more out of her. "

Thanks for the update...he is just doing what addicts do, keep working on you!

Kindeyes

I'm not surprised that he was trying to milk something else out of her.

The addict hooks people with their amazing talents of charm. As long as they have willing (or unknowing) people to unleash their charm on, they'll do it. If they want something, they'll do it. As soon as the intended "target" stops cooperating (like you, Mom and grandmother) they'll either up the ante or become angry and begin using tactics that involve fear, obligation or guilt (and blame). Charm works really well to hook someone..........addicts are extremely good at reading people. They are very very very smart. Just because they're addicted doesn't mean they're stupid. And when their addiction is driving them, they'll stoop to things that the average person wouldn't even consider.

gentle hugs
ke

MsPINKAcres

and I think this is a great reminder why he is your EX boyfriend ~ because YOU deserve better and healthier . . . everyone does . . .

Not even knowing what they are doing and focusing on what is healthy & recovery oriented for myself is what helped me change my life to a more PINKful & peaceful place

Wishing the same for you. . .

PINK HUGS,
Rita

ODAT63

When my XAH was working the steps, he did the same thing, he made amends to all his friends but NOT to his family.
After our divorced, he made amends to our oldest son and his DD which he had not seem for 20+ years, but not to me.
My son told me that I will be the last person on earth that he will make amends to.
I will have to live with that....oh well.

LoveMeNow

When I first read your post, I thought........well it's because he wants to manipulate her into dropping the charges.

But as a still "unhealthy" codependent, I think our active addicts really don't feel the need to make amends to to us. Why should they?? We have enabled them, allowed them to manipulate us, put them before ourselves, our families and our God. They have no respect for us and most will never until we respect ourselves and demand respect.

Odat?? I am sorry your ex hasn't made amends to you yet. Sounds like he has a ways to go with own recovery! But you gave yourself the best gift of all........serenity. Way to go!

SadHeart

I have never ever had anyone make amends to me for the crappy things they did to me.

My father treated me like dirt my whole childhood and died without caring or even probably aware of what his selfishness and anger did to me.

My aunt (not addicted to anything that I'm aware of) lives happily and at peace with herself and will never make amends for sleeping with my husband and blowing up a marriage that I needed to hold together a little while longer while I got on my feet. Her actions left me divorced and penniless with a baby and two preschoolers. But did she care what happened to us? Hell no, just walked off. And the 30+ year relationship we had? Meant nothing to her. My mother tells me my aunt is 'mortified, just mortified' by 'what happened'. (note the lack of responsibility). And how is it my mother knows my aunt is 'mortified'? Did they discuss it? Then how is it no one thought to discuss it with ME? The VICTIM? Or, more likely, is my mother is her rainbow and unicorns fashion just assuming my aunt is mortified? My guess is auntie is just embarrassed to have her imperfections and selfishness revealed, and my mother who can't handle unpleasant truths and feelings and having her own imperfections brought to light identifies closely.

My kids' dad, who had the affair with my aunt and left me and his 3 children homeless and penniless, lives off the $5000 taxpayers give him every month to compensate him for his alcoholism, he's never made an amend to anyone in his life. Not to any of his six kids, not to any of his three ex wives. Nobody. People who are victims like my X don't have to make amends, they are exempt. I guess he's still waiting for his amends from his drunken father. (This is why you don't want to wait for someone to make amends to you, because you can end up like him).

My second X will never make amends for his infidelity and his drinking and his lying and general spiteful, hatefulness. He too is a victim, except with a twist: he's my victim. He has projected all the dysfunctional damage his family of origin has done to him onto me. The crippling that his borderline personality disorded, emotionally incestuous mother and his abusive violent abandoning father did, all the self damage he did with his years of vodka drinking and cocaine and other drug abuse are actually my fault. And he's only sorry he didn't scr*w me over more (which is probably why he's still trying). There will be no amends from this man.

My skunk cannabis smoking/alcoholic/ADD-drug abusing son who vandalized my house, broke in, stole my car, and inflicted violence upon me and his sibling? I'm not holding my breath. But I hope. I'm his mother and I love him and I hope. But I don't think there can ever be ANY sort of relationship with him without complete amends.

My mother, codependent, very blind to her own problems but very sure she has a handle on everyone else's and knows just how they should be? I don't know if she owes me amends for anything. But she certainly needs to change her attitude towards me (I'm a second class citizen who doesn't deserve much because I won't buy into her fantasies) and I need validation from her to continue a relationship. I doubt I'll get either since I suspect her need to protect her self image is more important than any human being.

Amends are just something that don't ever actually really happen. They are like winning the lottery, you hear about it, sometimes you might even know someone who's won (I know someone who worked with someone who won $53million), but it doesn't really happen to regular people. You are better off setting up a 401K and a savings account and taking care of yourself.

Amends are vastly important in healing, but addicts and alcoholics seldom have the strength of character to make them. If they had the strength of character to make amends, they probably wouldn't have caused the problems they need to make amends for in the first place.

Most amends made are self serving, like the one the OP mentioned. When people talk about the amends that were made and you ask what exactly occurred, it's always, "I/he/she apologized, and I/he/she forgave me/him/her". Or it's "Well, I didn't make amends because doing so would cause more harm than good" <snort>

But you never hear, "Well, I paid back my parents all the money with interest tha they took out of their retirement account for my rehabs and legal costs and 'fresh starts'". Or "I bought my XGF/CBF a new car to replace the one I stole and smashed up". "Or I bought my Xspouse a house to replace the one he/she lost because I chose addiction over working and the marriage and chose to make the divorce as drama-filled and expensive as possible." It's never, "I took my parents/kids on a cruise to make up for all the holidays I destroyed by showing up under the influence".

I think it's best for the friends and families of alcoholics and addicts to put 'amends' in the category of Big Foot and lottery winnings and for people damaged by the addictions of others to redesign their lives so they make the amends they wish their A would make. Just like people who were poorly parented and damaged by their parents' bad decisions when they were children have to learn how to re-parent themselves.

They did it to you, and then you did it to yourself, and however it got so bad, it's up to you to fix it for yourself and make yourself whole--because ultimately you are the one who benefits. And you can waste your life waiting for amends.

lesliej

the question of amends is pretty much a moot point because he is not in recovery.

as for those who are in recovery I do have to say that amends do happen.
if a person is working a program they will most likely make amends
if they are making amends in a recovery program they will write out a list, work with a sponsor and be busy trying to make some repairs to the damage they have done in their relationships.

often the less intense, acquaintance, less severe damaging behavior is a good place to start. a good sponsor wants you to really know what you're doing before you go off and make a mess of an amend...then you end up making an amend for an amend...

most of the amend making behavior that I have experienced has to do with putting all the cards on the table, digging in the dirt...finding the places people got hurt, showing up with some humility, some dignity, some remorse, some ability to offer a way to make things better, and a willingness to accept whatever that person reacts with.

those who are active as addicts most likely aren't going to show up with an amend without an ulterior motive

if we are active in codependency we often cannot see that we might have our own amends to make... and as part of our codependency might be rather focused on those that we feel are owed to us