pacificsunrise

hello everyone.

i have been reading a lot here on SR lately and just wanted to ask for some support because i know how great you guys are at that.

i am just tired. taking care of 3 small kids and having my own business is definitely taking its toll on me. i am not doubting that i can do it, it is just that i feel like i'm constantly treading water and somehow always coming up short w/ everything. $ is short, time for kids is short, i'm behind on everything w/ my business and yet i spend every day working and trying to make it all work.

i want to find the time to get some support for myself in order to be less stressed and in order to be a more patient mom. my parents live close by and could be a great help if we had a better relationship and if i did not consider them to be a not so great influence on my kids. i am struggling w/ a lot of issues w/ my parents myself (their demeaning arguments, sometimes violent, criticism, blame, no approval barely ever, etc. etc. - i need a whole new thread for my issues w/ them).

i am vary of leaving my kids w/ them for an extended period of time when i'm not around for fear of them arguing in front of the kids, or my mom telling my 5 yr old that it is not a good idea to become a doctor (happend before, my little one really wants to be a doctor), teaching my kids to keep secrets, telling them lies, etc. etc. i know that some of it seems kinds trivial, but i am determined to keep them safe from the things that i feel have harmed me as a child.

i do try to prioritize my time and manage to keep the most important things taken care of. at least all the bills are paid for right now (just need to catch up w/ my business not going under).

i guess what i'm asking for is some reassurance that it will all be ok. i just did not imagine it to be so hard. since the baby was born (5 months old) it seems to have gotten harder than ever.

thank you all so much for your continued support. one more thing. someone mentioned on the other thread how they have not been able to cry and just let it out. me too. i guess i'm just so tense all the time that i can't cry and i so want to. maybe it will come with getting more relaxed. need some input.

thanks in advance. hugs and hope.

chicory

Pacific,

I am impressed with your determination, and your goals. Doing this with three children, one five months old, wow. I hope you are able to find someone you can trust to be able to help you with your children. you are a very loving mom , it is obvious. Protecting them from negative input is so important, and you are to be commended for that.
I am sorry that your folks aren't there for you , in the ways you need. I can tell you don't have much time , but if you could build another support system, to help you out, that would be great.
you sound like a wonderful mom, and I would bet that things are going to work out for you, in the most important ways.
are you able at all, to find some time for yourself, such as an exercise class, or even some yoga, to help de-stress? something just for you? when i was raising my three alone, i used to go to the nearby school and run the track. that helped a lot!
hugs and well wishes,
chicory

pacificsunrise

chicory,

thank you for the encouragement. i love to exercise and thank you for the suggestion. lately i've been so swamped that i barely make it to the playground w/ kids. i have to find a way to just relax and de-stress some.

thanks for replying. hugs and hope.

Ann

My father died when I was 6 and my mother raised me and my two brothers, worked full time and managed to find time for a couple of church groups and her ladies bridge club (which she loved and played with for over 40 years). It is only recently that I realize how exhausting that must have been for her.

You have a young baby, that alone is exhausting, and yet you manage so well...aside from the tired part. You WILL be okay, I promise.

Check your area and see if there are any "young mothers" groups around. Some cities have them and the ladies meet once a week and have some time for "just them" while the children play in a supervised area with good care.

And if it is hard to get out, with all you have on your place, maybe try to make some "quality time" just for you each day. Get in some good books and read while your baby sleeps, or find a hobby that you enjoy and spend some time at it at home.

The good news is that it won't be this hard forever, children grow and become less "needy" and moms get to enjoy them more then.

Hugs

tjp613

Maybe you could find a responsible teenager to watch the kids for 2-3 hours every afternoon or 3x a week? Especially with summer coming up that could be a distinct possibility. It would give you some much needed time to yourself or to concentrate on your business needs. Ask friends or neighbors if they know of anyone or check the community newspapers or area church ministries?

Hang in there. It WILL get easier and you are doing a great job!

Kindeyes

You have a lot on your plate. When I get overwhelmed, I check my self talk (you know that little voice in your head). It influences me more than anything else in my life.

I did an exercise a few months ago with someone that was life altering. She was my "gratitude buddy". We emailed each other five things we were grateful for every morning (this concept is described in detail in Melody Beattie's book called "Make Miracles in 40 Days"). It changed my self talk and my perspective on my world.

You are doing so much with little support. Your children need a healthy mother who takes good care of herself so that she can take care of them. Looking back on my own life, I wish I had demonstrated great self care to my children. Do what you need to do to fuel yourself.

gentle hugs
ke

Freedom1990

I can completely empathize with being a single mother with multiple children, and with the inability to cry.

I raised my daughters on my own for the most part, and there were periods of time I was so exhausted and so twisted up inside that I wanted to cry, but couldn't.

I think one of the hardest periods was when I washed dishes for 3 years to support us. It was incredibly draining and physical work, my oldest was at the age to do some chores by that time when she got home from school, but that was often undone. On the two days I had off, I was cleaning, doing laundry, all the stuff that didn't get done the other 5 ways.

I wish I had understood more about self-care back then, and some of the little things I could have done to take care of me in spite of my busy life, like taking a bubble bath with candles after the girls went to bed.

I feel for you, and am sending you hugs of support!

EJG123

God does not give us more than we can handle (although sometimes I wish God didn't have so much confidence). You will be okay. Just take it day at a time. Hugs.

Chino

All I have are hugs and prayers for you. I wish I had more! I don't know how you do it, or how anyone has, without an extra pair of hands at least once in awhile.

Impurrfect

(((PS))) - Yes, sweetie, it will work out. You have a tremendous amount on your plate right now. I know several of the churches here have "mother's day out" where they watch the kids for a few hours so mom's can do what they need to do.

I have recently gotten overwhelmed with school and there are times I just have to step away. Go for a ride in my car, or something. I used to worry about it taking time from what I needed to be doing, but just driving through the country, saying "thank you" for the baby goats, pretty flowers, etc. is like a breath of fresh air and rejuvenates me a bit.

I'm glad you're maintaining boundaries with your parents and protecting the kids from their toxic behavior. I know ((Anvil)) told me to take a break every two hours from the school stuff. I didn't want to, at first, but even just 15 minutes does help. Since the kids are there, maybe find something to do that makes them laugh...there's nothing like a child's laughter to brighten up a day. It doesn't have to be anything big..little kids can have fun doing some of the simplest things.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

yez5

Hi Pacificsunrise, I feel what you are saying so deeply. It s incredibly overwhelming, and hard, and sometimes ridiculously exhausting. You will yell and overreact and that's okay. We love them and teach them the best of what we know but they also learn from the crazy parts too. The see we are human and gather, I think, a deep appreciation for what we do for them. My three kids are 6, 4 and 1. Believe me there are days I want to run and hide. And I give myself those moments to think my bad thoughts and let it out in private. Then I shake it off and keep going. Because right at this moment, that is all we can do. But that doesn't mean it won't get better. And all this harsh moments will just make you stronger to deal with the rest. You are not alone, I promise you that. I send you hugs prayers and wishes that it will all go at list a little smoother each day.

pacificsunrise

thank you everyone for your kind responses. it really means a lot.

Ann - thank you for all your support from the beginning. i admire your mom's strength. you are right, the things will get easier once the kids are a little bit bigger. then i'll probably complain about how i wish that they were still babies. lol.

tjp613 - that is a good idea to get a teenager and they could at least go outside and play for a little while while i work. thank you so much.

Kindeyes - you have been there for me since i joined SR and i thank you so much. oh, the little voice inside my head, you are so right. i think i need a new and improved one of those because the one i have right now is driving me insane. i guess it comes from years spent around people that would only scrutinize everything i would decide to do. the little voice makes me feel guilty about any and everything and always makes a point of bringing up all the things that i did not do. i have decided to "re-educate" my little voice. i try to write my thoughts out in a journal and if i am lucky and have enough uninterrupted time to finish my writing, i usually get through my negative feelings and end up on a positive note. this morning i tried what you suggested and wrote out a list of things that i am happy about. came up w/ about 4 things, but it is a start. and it made me feel a whole lot better. thanks for the advice.

thank you all. hugs and hope.

Anaya

Great input from others! I know it feels like this will go on forever and is also exhausting; not to mention, how in the world can you make "time for you" with such a busy schedule? Well, at least in my experience, when I finally did commit to figuring out a way to make some time for me and followed through, it made a difference in how I viewed my world and gave me a breath of fresh air to start a new day.

I also remember as a child a dear friend of my mom's remarking that, "The dust will still be there tomorrow." So true.

Journaling is good as well as writing down things for which you are grateful. With me, going through things for which I am grateful is one step in the right direction and can be a saving grace at the end of a very exhausting day; helps me to redirect my thoughts and calm down a bit.

You sound like a great mom and business woman. Hang in there and keep your chin up.

pacificsunrise

Freedom1990 - thank you for your support. what you said is completely true about not having time to do anything. by the time i finish taking care of the kids, i hardly have time to do my work and therefore constantly keep falling behind. then i go on beating myself up about not doing my work. but, the support from everyone does help. i keep on telling myself that there is only so much that i can get done in one day and then i try to actually believe it.
i appreciate you sharing your story. i do want to try to squeeze in few moments each day just for myself. that should make me a lot better person to be around. thanks again.

EJG123 - thank you for the encouragement. i agree.

Chino - thanks for keeping up w/ me. thank you for your hugs and prayers.

thank you all. hugs and hope.

pacificsunrise

Impurrfect - thank you for all your support. i have been away from SR for a little while and never really responded like i wanted to. just wanted to let you know how much i appreciate your responses. you always have kind words for everyone. i have been taking your advice and trying to take a break every once in a while. things have been kinda extra stressful lately. i try to take my little ones to the park and just chasing them around makes me feel better. and you are right, they do not need much just to giggle and be happy. thank you so much. hugs to you.

yez5 - thank you for the encouragement and understanding. seems that we are in the similar situation. my kids are now 5, 2, and 8 months. i can see some progress, where things are getting somewhat easier at times (at least with the kids, wish i could say the same for the drama w/ my AH, lol). now that they are a little bigger, there are times when they draw, read, or play by themselves and that gives me a chance to catch my breath. hugs and hope to you and your little ones.

Anaya - thank you for the kind words. yes, making time for myself is definitely a challenge. i'm usually up very late when kids are sleeping, trying to catch up on all the stuff that needs to be done. then i'm very cranky the next day b/c i didn't get enough rest, lol. but like you said, things will get better and sometimes all we can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep going. thank you for replying.

hugs and hope to all. love you and stay strong.

StillLearning1

Pacific,
I can very much relate to your story.

Came from a similar family of origin. Felt the same way.
One thing I would like to stress to you, it is what YOU do. Role-model for your children.
Sadly, sometimes our "loved ones", "family" are role-models of what NOT to do, how NOT to act.
As your parent tells your child, they should not be a doctor?
Think of it this way, it is an opportunity, for you to tell and teach your child at a very young age, NO ONE has the right, they may talk all they want to- they have their opinions, but your child and you, do not have to listen to them.

I know how tiring it can be. It does get better, eventually. I am happy to hear you have your own business. If I may? Financial independence is key. Please do everything you can, to remain independent. Some options for childcare, are colleges.

Lastly, I thank you. My son's are now older, it is time for paying forward.

crazybabie

pacific, my kids are grown now but I remember how hard it was their dad was living in the home but rarely there and I was responsible for almost everything. I found that at times a good sad movie would help me cry and then I felt better.

I will keep you in my prayers that soon you will be able to get what you need for you.