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Secret is killing me

Old 04-12-2012, 05:40 PM
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Secret is killing me

I don't know how to handle this...my XABF has been doing something illegal for the past 2 years. When I found out back then I told myself I couldn't deal with it and was ready to walk. Instead I just pretended it didn't exist and ignored it, but it went against my morals and it's been eating me up inside ever since.

We are no longer together so honestly, he could have stopped for all I know...but I'm pretty sure he hasn't so I can't convince myself otherwise.

It doesn't benefit me to do anything about it except to finally get the secret out of me. I also don't want to bring any trouble or drama to my family.

I hate that he entrusted me with this...I never wanted it and still don't want it.

How do I get past it?
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Old 04-12-2012, 05:50 PM
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I would let it go and chaulk it up to making a bad decision on your part and learn from it.

Eventually, if he keeps doing what he is doing he will be exposed.

Move forward, don't allow him to invade anymore of your brain space...it serves no purpose except to keep you in the mental loop of codependency.
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Old 04-12-2012, 05:51 PM
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I cannot add to what Anvil said---Anvil is, as usual, the voice of common sense
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Old 04-12-2012, 09:51 PM
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My life, consider if you will... Your HP and your conscience are battling because you let this stay within you for that long. Maybe talking it out in a safe place like Alanon.. As stated before, unless someone is being hurt, it is best not to pursue it but for you to get it out of your system, talk it out and let it go. YOU did not do the deed, but you feel guilty and that is how bringing it to the light will release your spirit and your peace can enter.

Hugs,
Teresa
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Old 04-12-2012, 10:56 PM
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Many of the addicts in our lives are doing or have done something illegal--that's what addicts do. I have no doubt that my AS participates in illegal activities regularly. I don't own that. He does. I choose not to have him in my home because of those illegal activities. I will not live with someone who does that because it jeopardizes my life and wellbeing. If he gets caught doing those activities, he'll go to jail.....not me. That is the consequence (and risk) of participating in illegal activies.

Unless you are still living with him or are allowing those activities to involve you, you don't own it......he does. Let it go however you are able. Confide in a sponsor or a therapist if that's what you need to do for you.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 04-13-2012, 06:53 AM
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Could therapy help?
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Old 04-13-2012, 09:37 AM
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Thanks for responses.

The only one I have told is my therapist because I knew it couldn't go any further and I wasn't putting her at risk.

It's not something that is hurting others but it's not something that is small either. There are others involved beyond him who are neighbors and friends and even his family. So, not only is his life affected but lots of others as well.

Besides the moral issue, I struggle with the thought that I knew about it and stayed with him anyways. What does that say about me? I have been struggling to live an honest and moral life and I had to lie to my family when they asked how he made money because they knew he didn't work. I was afraid if he ever got caught my ex-h would take my kids from me thinking that I was a part of it.

I never condoned it. I never wanted to hear about it. I didn't want to be privy to conversations, information, nothing. I wanted it to all go away. I haven't been to his house in over 4 months because I couldn't go there anymore.

I remember the day he told me what he was doing. It was incredulous. I stood there thinking how much more could I take? It went beyond red flags and had fireworks shooting in the sky. I knew it was wrong. I knew I wasn't comfortable with it. But, somehow I managed to push it all away and go against my values.

My moral values are telling me it's wrong and I need to turn him in. The parent, mother side of me is telling me to walk away - protect my kids and my life and let a HP take care of whatever needs to be done.
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Old 04-13-2012, 10:09 AM
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I think I can guess what you're talking about. I'm pretty sure a lot of addicts try that to fund their habit- my ex did. He got into some great debt that way, almost 12k that I know of in the last 3 years! Try not to let it eat you up x
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Old 04-13-2012, 10:23 AM
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My therapist told me "you are as sick as your secret", I know why now, I agree with everyone here, it is not for you to keep, justice is for God/HP, not for us to deal with.
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Old 04-13-2012, 11:19 AM
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If you are away from him and in a safe place.....then your work is done.

Co-dependents have an over active need to be Responsible for Everything.
Read the sticky at the top of the page "Brain Chemistry of a Loved One"

I think that might be what you are feeling. You are out of the situation.....but whatever he's doing didn't end.
So, somehow in your mind...you think there is more work to be done. Yes there is,
Within yourself dear.

We only have to remove ourselves and children from danger.
If you want to right a wrong, do the work on yourself to make sure you don't choose other people like this in the future.

That would be a living amends to yourself and the people you love.
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Old 04-13-2012, 11:23 AM
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"you are as sick as your secret",
Someone beat me to this.

There was also the issue of co-dependency, which is a very strong motivator for continuing in a toxic relationship...and, it doesn't have to be something illegal that sends up those warning signs. If it hadn't been his illegal activities, it probably would have been something else. You are well rid of him.

But, as someone else put it, "Don't let him live rent free in your head." He's cheerfully going about his business enjoying the fruits of his ill-gotten gains, while you agonize over his stupidity/insensitivity.

You've physically detached from him...now, it's time to make a concentrated effort to do so emotionally. Get really involved in something worthwhile...something that will lift your spirits. Best of luck to you in your sobriety!!!
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Old 04-13-2012, 02:13 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
My moral values are telling me it's wrong and I need to turn him in. nah, i think what is happening is that you learned a very valuable life lesson about always HONORING your morals from here on out. you can't change the past, ratting him out NOW changes nothing....you still compromised your ethics. and you are not the first to do so, by the way! we've all had those "what was i thinking????" moments....just let it go. it's keeping you tied to him. take those recovery scissors and snip the ties that bind....
I thank you for this Anvilhead. I have been on other sites in the past where people feel the need to "let you have it" for doing something you regret...as if they have never done a single wrong thing in their life.

It is appreciated when others realize we are all human, make mistakes and hopefully learn from them. I know I've learned from this one.

One of my favorite quotes, "When you know you are living a life of integrity and honesty; when you respect yourself and truly live it, you will attract those like you."

For whatever my motivation was at the time that I stayed with him, I won't compromise my values again. That, I promise myself.
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Old 04-13-2012, 05:29 PM
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Originally Posted by itsmylifenow View Post

For whatever my motivation was at the time that I stayed with him, I won't compromise my values again. That, I promise myself.
There in lies the lesson you have been taught from your relationship with your A--to trust in your values and stick by them. It's a valuable lesson and one that you will probably be called upon to share with someone at some point in the future. Now make good the lesson and don't fall back into replaying the same scene with someone else in the future.
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Old 04-15-2012, 02:31 PM
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I certainly have compromised my morals at times in the past. My AM also conducted a lot of illegal activity--including when I was a child. That was very hard for me because I was taught to lie from a very young age to cover up her activity. Where I feel incredible guilt is when she was being physically abused and I did nothing to report it or stop it. I feel incredible guilt over that. Even though I was under 18.

My point is that the important thing is that you do not repeat these things now that you have accepted that you did that. You were in denial then, but you have reached a point of acceptance.

I agree completely with anvilhead. I would not "turn him in," unless people were in danger. His actions will catch up with him--I'm sure they already have to a certain extent. It is time for you to move on with your life. You made a choice to step away from the madness, and that was a positive move. I also think it is good that you have talked about this with your counselor. Maybe you just need some time? Or, maybe it is time to forgive yourself?
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Old 04-15-2012, 03:16 PM
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Originally Posted by itsmylifenow View Post
I don't know how to handle this...my XABF has been doing something illegal for the past 2 years. When I found out back then I told myself I couldn't deal with it and was ready to walk. Instead I just pretended it didn't exist and ignored it, but it went against my morals and it's been eating me up inside ever since.

We are no longer together so honestly, he could have stopped for all I know...but I'm pretty sure he hasn't so I can't convince myself otherwise.

It doesn't benefit me to do anything about it except to finally get the secret out of me. I also don't want to bring any trouble or drama to my family.

I hate that he entrusted me with this...I never wanted it and still don't want it.

How do I get past it?
you don't say what it is that he's doing that is illegal. would turning him in bring closure to you? would it save others from pain? if so, i would do it. keep in mind though, that i'm new here though, and very well don't know what i'm talking about. but if there are victims to his crimes (or his omission), i would sound the alarms. do whatever you have to do to make peace with yourself. if it brings drama to his family and yours, so what. it will pass. if turning him in saves others from emotional trauma (again, i don't know what the illegal activity is), then what do you have to lose besides a period of discomfort in your life, which would be in all likelihood less discomfort than he himself has caused you in the past...
best to you...
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Old 04-15-2012, 04:53 PM
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SECRETS keep us SICK....
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Old 04-15-2012, 08:07 PM
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Hello! I am so sorry for your situation. I also agree with anvil, that for your recovery the best thing is to accept that it has nothing to do with you. That being said, only you can know for yourself if the harm he is causing fits your definition of danger. Though I think anvil is right here- that it has nothing to do with you and you should be done with it for your own recovery, I know from personal experience that I would not be able to move past this and not act if I believed the issue was ongoing and others were still being hurt or in danger. I know myself well enough to know I would make an anonymous report of it, and then never look back. I would NOT give the police my name or contact for any follow up. Period. And once the report was made I would do a letting go meditation or ritual and never look back. Do I think it is the "right" thing for recovery in general, probably not. But I know my own guilt would consume me, and from similar things I have worked through in my own therapy and recovery in the past. The guilt of inaction would keep me more stuck in the past and I would still feel "part" of it. I say all this to say that if you decided not to keep this secret any longer, I believe there is a responsible way it could be done, and from my own experience the important next step is consciously and mindfully letting it go. It is not the ideal path, but we are all walking our own path
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