anyone else feel this way?
 

My RAF(fiance) has been clean for I don't even know how long(a month give or take a few days.. I can't even attempt to keep track anymore, stresses me out.. and it's his recovery, not mine)
BUT every time his phone goes off from a call or text my skin crawls.
My stomach gets all tied up in knots, and I get irate.
It's frustrating to me, because I'm the type to give someone the benefit of the doubt until they give me reason not to.
Sure, he has more than given me reason not to in the past, but I am trying to build the trust back up..
It's just hard to do.
Especially knowing that 98% of the time when he gets a phone call when he is home it is his dealer calling..
It's just scary and frustrating, and I wish I could tell my mind and body to just shut the hell up and give me some peace!!
I've been doing better recently.
I'm doing my school work, even writing some poetry and trying to work on the various "books" I have in the works.
I'm just so frustrated that stuff like this still throws me through the loop.
Blah.
Anyone else?
Any thoughts to help ease my mind?
I'd like to know I'm not alone on this one.

USE to be there...NOT ANY MORE!!! thank god for AL ANON...no NAR ANON in my neighbourhood...

i have been to meetings for 2 years now...wow...i was just like you at one point...

think about a meeting...may do you some good..

Focus on your child...your fiance is an adult and as such is responsible to make either good or bad decisions.

You are putting yourself through alot of mental girations for no reason, it accomplishes nothing, it will not change the outcome..he will either use or not...that's the bottom line...it is ALL up to him.

Go about your life, get to Naranon or Alanon meetings, learn...knowledge is power...the true answer to recovery.

My daughter has been in recovery for over two years now, doesn't live at home, and I still get triggered all the time. I can leave my purse laying around, credit cards, cash, etc, but phone calls from and for her still gets my adrenaline going.

I went through 3 years of absolute hell, so I imagine it may take a little while longer to stop subconsciously responding. I usually take a really deep breath in through my nose, and exhale slowly out through my mouth, until that yucky feeling passes.

I hate ptsd and feel like Pavlov's dogs, sometimes.

Unfortunately, I'm not able to attend meetings at this time. I went to an al-anon meeting when I was a teen because I am the child of alcoholics, and they thought it would be good for me to attend. I never went back.
I did start attending video meetings online when I could, but they are at such odd hours most days that it's nearly impossible for me to catch them now between school hours,home work, and caring for my son.. And then there are the nights when they are between 9pm and 12am when I really can't do it because I'm usually in bed by then. The last time I checked into that site they were only hosting one meeting per group too, and NA is typically mid-day or late night when,like I said, I am in class or out like a light.

I know this is going to take a lot of work on my part to learn to "let go" of these triggers. And I absolutely know that he is going to use no matter what if that's what he chooses to do. We got into a bit of a discussion about it a week or so ago, I don't even remember what brought it up but I told him point blank that I KNOW he will use if he wants to despite anyone or anything, including me and our son. I know the hold the drug has over him, I've been there, just with a different DOC.
I guess I'm just stressing because I am tired of the back and forth. I'll be doing EXCELLENT for a week or two at a time, and then one miniscule little trigger will set me off, and it pisses me off because I don't have my own triggers anymore. There was a point where I couldn't even stand to see powdered sugar! And now, someone else's phone ringing gets me all whacked out after 6+ years of my own sobriety, thinking he's going to run out the door right then and there and go meet his dealer.
I KNOW it's foolish of me. I know I've got to stop letting this druggie baggage alter my state of mind, because it is his problem to overcome. I have tried to help him, and in the process I have learned it's not my job to do so and there isn't anything I can do to "help" other than being there if he needs someone to talk to. I cannot "fix" him, I cannot make him stop.
I KNOW ALL OF THIS.. and yet I feel like a complete head case once in a while.
I guess all I can do is have faith but to be realistic about it, and focus on what is really important in my life:my son,my education, and our well being above all else.
Thank you all for your advice, I do appreciate it.

I am still occasionally triggered by the ring of the phone. I am also aware that when I misplace something/anything, my first thought is my daughter stole it.

What I have learned over time is that I alone control my reactions to these triggers.

Wow, I am EXACTLY where you are right now. I have the same exact triggers with my fiance and he's only been clean for 3 months which is great but I still feel like everything that happened in the past is an open wound for me. When he goes to the store and is gone a little longer then normal I start to get very anxious, when I see him texting someone right away I get that uneasy feeling in my stomach. It's hard not to feel that way when it's all you've known for so long. I'm like you, I will be doing just fine for a while and then all it will take is one little thing and I start stressing. This is how I know I need to get myself to a meeting and I'm actually going to an alanon meeting tonight. I have had the hardest time learning how to focus on other things and not him but I'm starting to work on it :)

Anyway, I just wanted to share with you, it's nice knowing there are other people who are going through the same thing you are. I hope things start to get easier for you and hopefully one day you can squeeze in some time for a meeting. Good luck to you!

Krystal

Triggers are tough, there's no doubt about it.

The addicts behavior tells much of the story. Their behaviors created the mistrust. It will be their behavior that regains it. They get to own that and someone in a strong recovery program will acknowledge that and embrace it.

I remember hearing Tom Mann speak a few years ago. A recovering alcoholic, he admitted to getting extremely annoyed by his wife's mistrust of him in the early days of his recovery. She would question him unmercifully when he returned home from an AA meeting. She thought the meeting might have been an excuse for him to spend a little time in the bar. It really ticked him off. Eventually he realized that his past behavior caused her reactive behavior so he changed himself. Instead of coming home and waiting for her to put him through the interrogation, he would walk up to her, give her a kiss, and breathe heavily in her face so she could smell his breath. Then she didn't need to ask him whether he had been drinking. It was the beginning of re-establishing trust that had been broken for years.

Just thought I'd share that.....it made sense to me.

Gentle hugs
ke

aaah, now this makes total sense now....

you are an ADULT child of alcoholics....you have been EFFECTed since you where a child....

THAT really impacted me. It's SO true. His behavior has caused me to question him, though I very rarely verbally do so, but he knows when I am suspicious of him because my demeanor towards him changes whether I want/mean for it to or not. I put up my walls so that I can protect myself and our son.
I am slowly learning to identify and deal with my triggers associated with his addiction/recovery. I know that the first step to addressing/fixing a problem is to acknowledge its existence in th first place, which I have done.
I hit a really positive note in my future today though, and things are looking up.
I am high, but on LIFE. I feel good, I've had the boost of confidence I need in my schooling, and hopefully before the year is over I will be attending college, which was NEVER a plan or a want for me in previous years.
I am doing all of this despite my partner's addiction, so he doesn't have as much of a hold on me as I'd have thought months ago.
I'm even going to try to work it out so I can sit in on more online meetings.
It's a journey, I'm still fixing me.. but it's a delight for me to look back and see how far I've come.
I'm just happy to be healthy and alive, the rest I can work on :)
Thanks for your support everyone. I love my SR family!

It goes deeper than that really.
Both of my biological parents were addicts/alcoholics.
My "bio-dad" died when I was a wee one, so I never really knew him, but I heard plenty of good and bad about him as a child.
The man I know as my father,raised me,has been in my life for 20+ years, was also an addict/alcoholic. Still is an alcoholic really, but at least learned some form of moderation and doesn't become "the monster" anymore.
And, between my mother and my "adoptive" dad, there are four of us kids.
We all have battled addiction. My sister and I are the only ones who came out of it clean. One of my brothers passed away last year from a drug overdose, and the other is in active addiction.
At one point I tried to use my brother's over dose as a ploy to get my fiance to stop, telling him I couldn't handle another loss, and I couldn't imagine having to have the same talk with our son that I'm sure my mother had with me when I was a child.
Very pathetic, but I was broken and desperate immediately after his death. I even called my living brother(who I had been no contact with for months at that point) and pleaded with him to stop also. He had been with our brother the night before, and I was concerned he wouldn't be too far behind.
So, you see.. That's my life. I was born into addiction.
I did not know when I met my fiance that he was an active addict.
He hid it well(as we/they do) and I guess a small part of me did know, but preferred not to see it until it slapped me in the face.
I just get overwhelmed sometimes with the triggers, because I get blind sided by them when I least expect it.

well..YOU are an ADULT child of alcoholics and this makes totol sense...going to that type of meeting can help you too, never mind AL ANON...your dealing with alot of stuff, but one thing that is clear...what about YOU? please try both or one meeting...and maybe councelling too...

(hugs)

I'm more than well aware of "what I am", thank you.
I have no set definition. I am me. I have overcome a lot of obstacles in my life, and this is no different.
I am dealing with a lot of stuff, who isn't? Everyone meets challenges every day, all over the world. I am no different. I just take it one minute,hour,day,step at a time. That's all I can do, and that's how I've gotten as far as I am and I have no intention of stopping now.
As I said before, I cannot physically make it to a meeting at this time, and I'm not entirely sure that I want to. I have seen a lot of negative posts about people attending meetings, and that kind of throws me off of the idea.
Also, as I said before, I am trying to re work my schedule so that I can sit in on at least one online meeting a week. I prefer them because no one has to see me/I don't have to share unless I want to.
Counseling is pretty much out of the question for me too.
I have had a few "shrinks" over the years, mostly during my pre-teen, early teen years.. and it never really worked out.
I was always very uncomfortable. That was a time when I could barely stand people looking at me, let alone staring at me while I was pouring my heart and soul out.. and I would always get these women STARING right at me, not moving a muscle, pulling the old "how does/did that make you feel" routine.. It got to the point where I would have break downs/anxiety attacks in the parking lot and stopped going.
The thought of going in there for an hour and paying someone to stare at me while I talked and they said close to nothing back was starting to do more bad than good for me.
I like to think it would be different now that I'm older and a lot more mature and have the ability to look differently at life, but there's no telling.
I have contacted psychologists in my area, a few dealing specifically with drug counseling, etc, but I have yet to secure an appointment.
I guess I just have different ways of dealing with things, and paying a stranger to listen to me spill the beans has never proved to do much for me..
Really, all they ever want to do is put me on various medications and that only works for a few months at a time and afterwards I feel like a walking zombie incapable of feelings.
And assuming I did get back on all the meds they'd be shoving down my throat, I'd have to worry about those, and feel obligated to lock them away just to assure myself that my fiance wouldn't be tempted to take them from me.
That's just extra baggage I don't need.
I do better without the counseling and prescription drugs. Pills have never been a friend of mine.. they whack me out.
I'm working through it all.
My fiance and I have discussed counseling together, we're both nervous about the idea, but it could be different if we went together. Don't know if we'll try, but we won't know until we do.
I'm rambling. I started this comment off feeling a bit angry.. now I'm pretty relaxed.
Rambling on here usually makes me feel better. Writing everything out is my own form of counseling I suppose :P
Anyway, that's enough for today. Have a good day. Hope the weather is nice where you all are.

I'll be waiting...

When I read your posts I feel a sense of pain...and to me it reminds me of my own pain, my own sense of being "traumatized" by my choice of being in relationship with, of being in love with, a person who struggled with addiction. His DOC was/is (?) crack. I am in recovery from alcoholism.

I realize that I might open a can of worms here...but I really do think that there are differences in the intensities of addictions. My ability to find some stable recovery from alcoholism has included a lot of solid work in meetings, therapy and some weekend retreats. It has taken a lot of digging, honesty, and a strong commitment to my desire for life and integrity.

I have NOT had to deal with the total insanity of the brain chemistry and the physiology of crack triggers. My own downward spiral of alcoholism was different. Yes, different. (can of worms...) I really believe that. My problem was that I EXPECTED his recovery to be similar. I had always heard to look for the similarities, that the program was simple...maybe it really isn't that simple when you have mental illness AND crack addiction combined.

This is an important part of my story, because it includes how my EXPECTATIONS thrived...and how these expectations fortified my reactions/triggers/trauma.

In my story...I had to let go. I realized that the traumatization of relapse after relapse was causing grave disturbances in my quality of life, in my spirit, sense of well being, in my personality.

I had expectations. I do still. When someone I love promises me all of the deeply beautiful parts of partnership then my heart opens wide up...and I open my love and care and friendship and partnership to that person. But then, with the repeating relapses I get spiritually whip lashed into the sense/logic that the promises are a false reality. Yes, I believe that the promises he made were perhaps heartfelt. I love him. But you know what...his addiction to crack steals away the possibilities of those promises.

I believe...I love...He relapses...I react...We split...He promises...I believe....I love....etc etc etc.

I had to let go of my expectations. My expectations (hope, love, desire for long term partnership....) demanded that he be able to stand with integrity in the reality of making relationship promises true. Without the promise and the expectations...what I discovered is that I was dating an active addict.

That, I couldn't live with. I cannot live with an active addict. The reality of living with an active addict (he would relapse every 3-6 months) is WAY WAY WAY different then the promises that were being made.

I was getting emotionally whip lashed between the promise and the reality. It is traumatizing. The trigger looks like this: when I drive by the corner store that sells "crack pipes", when I see a white cadillac, when I see a drug dealer in the hood nearby, etc etc etc. Those triggers re-traumatize me.

Those traumas go way way way back to my childhood. To not getting the love I needed. Neglect is TRAUMATIZING! as much as abuse.

I finally let go of the love that was traumatizing me. It took a lot of work. If you are not able/willing/interested in going to meetings, getting some therapy...and if you react with emotional defense to someone on this board simply, objectively, and with CARE and concern for you...simply pointing out that you are an Adult Child of an Alcoholic...well just sit quietly with your feeling at that defensiveness. Your defensiveness is trying to keep you from feeling the hurt.

There are really really awesome people, concepts, tools, methods, processes, ideas, books, and proven ways to get healthy. If you commit to the process, the path, of discovering a life without trauma and pain...and thus the beginning of the path to discovering love without hurt...then you will begin a healing process that will be a great gift to your life and the life of your child.

If you do not commit to healing, then you put yourself, your spirit, your heart, your day by day life, and the life of your child in the path of re-injury and continued whip lash and trauma.

Alcoholism. addiction, codependency, adult children...we ALL have had to deal with a DIS-EASE of PERCEPTION. If you do not open your mind you will stay in the dark of hurt.

We care about you here. You may not hear what you want to hear...
I have often not heard what I want to hear.
Sometimes it takes weeks to hear it. People in recovery care for one another. We speak from the heart, with experience and hope.
Peace.

Leslie, I am in pain. I have experienced a whole lot of it, and I am still healing.
I work at it every day. I work to be a better, happier, healthier person not only for me, but especially for my son.
I really have come a long, long, looong way from where I used to be.
The reason I felt myself becoming defensive is because I put my history out there.
I KNOW who I am and where I have been, I do not need someone simply restating what I already put on the table and offering me nothing other than forget al anon seek other meetings.
Saying "you are the adult child of alcoholics and this makes total sense" what in the world does that have to offer me for advice or anything?
You know what it sounded like to me at that moment?, "i know your story".
And not only saying it once, but twice..
I'm not trying to be argumentative here, I am just saying that I had a weak moment, I am past it now, and that in that point of weakness, someone said something to me that was no help to me what so ever.
I feel like I put myself out there and I was labeled.
And I do attend the occasional NA video meeting online when I can, and that is not easy.
Like I said before, the meetings are SERIOUSLY at strange hours/hours that are hard for me to work around.
Mid-day meetings are difficult because I am usually at school or taking care of my son.
Mid night meetings- just NOT going to happen.. I'm already asleep for a few hours by the time that starts up.
And there are only meetings once per day for each group. Kind of crappy.. I'm hoping it changes soon.
And I know it's mainly because they are having trouble finding people to host the meetings.. not much I can do about that though. I do not have the experience to host one myself.
I'm working on it. I truly am. Baby steps. I don't like going backward.. I'm trying to keep a steady pace in the right direction.

I think that the latest helpful thing I learned was to let go of the labels and turn toward healing. I appreciate your reply, and am happy that you want to go beyond the labels. Labels might be helpful as navigation tools, but once you locate yourself you can move beyond! It's nice to get a sense that you are in movement. I know that I also had to accept where I was, put down the label and start moving toward some recovery from that!

waiting, you mentioned staring and people seeing you, and it seems to cause you extreme discomfort. Whatever the reasons, I hope you find a solution that works for you.

That really stems back to my childhood too Chino..
I think it started when I was really young. I remember my family always watching my very move, and when I'd tell them to stop they'd keep watching me, even while eating and that made me angrier than anything for whatever reason. It took me years to get over yelling at people just for looking at me.
My family is twisted. I guess they found my reactions to their actions amusing.. which is a testament to how sick they all were.
I'm pretty much completely over that nowadays, but as for the meeting portion..

Well, I realized yesterday that I think what's holding me back from attending real face to face meetings is that I don't want to bring any more drug/alcohol related "baggage" into my life.
I'd really like to put everything behind me. I guess this is al part of my recovery too, and I'm sure in a week or two I'll end up rethinking this also...
But every time I do meet someone else I think I could be friends with, then I find out they are in recovery.. I run! It's completely messed up, maybe a little selfish,whatever. I don't know WHAT to say about that, but it has happened 3 or 4 times within the past 6 months and I avoided pursuing the friendship at all costs. I have enough emotional baggage tied to recovery, and I just don't want to take on someone else's.. And yes, I am in a long term committed relationship with an RA, but some part of me says, "You cannot become friends with an A or an RA because no good will come of it"
I know its likely there will be a lot to say about that, but theres nothing you can say that I havent thought.
I'm just trying to look inside and examine what it is thats really keeping me from meetings.
Ultimately: fear.