First contact from my daughter in 5 months :(
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Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: not sure
Posts: 452
I'm so very sorry. Moms hurt so badly over the decisions of our children. I hope that one the initial shock has worn off of the arrest, you will be able to find some peace and comfort in knowing where she is and that she is safe. It's sad for moms to have to find comfort in that kind of thing, but I, too, have been there. Just know that there really is nothing you can do, and maybe you can find some peace in knowing it's completely out of your hands.
You handled her and the officers beautifully. I pray your daughter gets the necessary help through this process. I care.
You handled her and the officers beautifully. I pray your daughter gets the necessary help through this process. I care.
Linkin Park Enthusiast
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
And also, I think the fact that you care is a testament to the type of mother you are. Some don't care, they don't care what their children turn out to be or how many times they get arrested or what.
Those people are the ones I feel sorry for, the ones with no one to love them enough to give them what they need instead of what they want. Keep it up. Hopefully she will get the help she needs, and end up thanking you in the end.
Those people are the ones I feel sorry for, the ones with no one to love them enough to give them what they need instead of what they want. Keep it up. Hopefully she will get the help she needs, and end up thanking you in the end.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dear New Image, I am so sorry you are going through this. I know what it feels like to lose your child and then they resort to stealing and lying and ultimately going to jail. Please know NOTHING you could have done would have prevented this from happening. I don't know how long you have been dealing with this, but our worlds are so similar. I am struggling after my son did his time for stealing $11,000.00 property from us right under our nose. If he stole from me, he must have stolen from others as well.
Please find a meeting or therapy, there is no worse pain for a mother than this one.
Love and hugs and prayers,
Teresa
Please find a meeting or therapy, there is no worse pain for a mother than this one.
Love and hugs and prayers,
Teresa
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: East Coast of Florida
Posts: 61
Well, I've already screwed up. When she's been out of jail, she doesn't WANT to talk to me, so boundaries have been easy to maintain. Phone rang at midnight last night, and it was JAIL calling. Like an idiot, I picked up. I expected the recording, saying I was receiving a call from an inmate, and would have to elect to take the call, but instead this must have been her one call from booking, so there she was on the other end.
She said she just wanted to let me know she was in jail. I asked her why she was there (of course I already know) and she told me that things were bad, she was probably going to end up in prison this time, and that it was because of things her BF had done before he went in. Right.
"So why are you calling me? Last week I was a sack of s***, and you haven't bothered to let me know where you were for the last 5 months" "Well", she said, "last time I saw you, you were screaming at me about wanting me to get out, so I didn't call. And I only get one call and there's no one else to call. And there are things I need. I had a bag of things ready because I knew I was going to jail after my hearing next week, but they wouldn't let me go back and get them."
So, she's calling me after 5 months because she wants a pair of socks in jail.
I've gone back and read and re-read the threads about loved ones in jail. Even after reading, I'm conflicted about whether to take her calls as a way of maybe repairing some sort of relationship or to steadfastly refuse because this is just another consequence of her actions that she has to deal with on her own. Do I talk to her but refuse to send her anything? Do I tell her I'll take one call a week because I want her to know I haven't given up on her? God, this is hard.
And I want to apologize to everyone because I am here taking and not giving back as much as I'd like to right now to those of you who are helping to support me. I promise that I will as soon as I'm a little less overwrought.
She said she just wanted to let me know she was in jail. I asked her why she was there (of course I already know) and she told me that things were bad, she was probably going to end up in prison this time, and that it was because of things her BF had done before he went in. Right.
"So why are you calling me? Last week I was a sack of s***, and you haven't bothered to let me know where you were for the last 5 months" "Well", she said, "last time I saw you, you were screaming at me about wanting me to get out, so I didn't call. And I only get one call and there's no one else to call. And there are things I need. I had a bag of things ready because I knew I was going to jail after my hearing next week, but they wouldn't let me go back and get them."
So, she's calling me after 5 months because she wants a pair of socks in jail.
I've gone back and read and re-read the threads about loved ones in jail. Even after reading, I'm conflicted about whether to take her calls as a way of maybe repairing some sort of relationship or to steadfastly refuse because this is just another consequence of her actions that she has to deal with on her own. Do I talk to her but refuse to send her anything? Do I tell her I'll take one call a week because I want her to know I haven't given up on her? God, this is hard.
And I want to apologize to everyone because I am here taking and not giving back as much as I'd like to right now to those of you who are helping to support me. I promise that I will as soon as I'm a little less overwrought.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Hi New, Where are her things?
Is it not weird that she has a place, but is in jail and has no-one to call but you?
I think you might end up taking the call every week and doing nothing but thinking about her inbetween calls.
No problem re helping others, we understand. When you are better yourself, you pay it forward.
I think you could get a bunch of essentials and SOCKS and put a nice card and a couple of selfhelp books in a parcel and send them to her in jail.
That way, you show her love but don't involve yourself in her chaos and crap.
Keep posting and reading.
Is it not weird that she has a place, but is in jail and has no-one to call but you?
I think you might end up taking the call every week and doing nothing but thinking about her inbetween calls.
No problem re helping others, we understand. When you are better yourself, you pay it forward.
I think you could get a bunch of essentials and SOCKS and put a nice card and a couple of selfhelp books in a parcel and send them to her in jail.
That way, you show her love but don't involve yourself in her chaos and crap.
Keep posting and reading.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I think that this is a time where you might do what Holly suggested, as a way to mend your relationship...but only if that feels right for you and only if it doesn't draw you in to that place that is dark for all if us.
I know that with my own son, I had to make decisions like this sometimes and if I took pause to think about how doing something for him might affect "me", and then made my choice knowing it was the right choice for me.
For example, it made me feel good to give my son socks and a warm sweater, hat and gloves when he lived on the street in the winter. They weren't expensive and were much needed and it was unlikely he would sell them...and if he did, it was his loss because I only did this once.
I did not give him money for cigarettes, or food, there were many places that offered food to people like him. I would sometimes buy him a hot meal and share it with him.
That said, today I don't have any contact with him and as much as I love him I don't want to hear where addiction has taken him, it's just too sad for me. I will be here if he gets clean for a long period of time and is actually "living" a clean life.
Your daughter knows you love her, my sons knows I do. Sometimes just that is enough.
I hope I am not confusing you with this answer, but it's straight up from my heart.
Keeping you both in my prayers.
Hugs
I know that with my own son, I had to make decisions like this sometimes and if I took pause to think about how doing something for him might affect "me", and then made my choice knowing it was the right choice for me.
For example, it made me feel good to give my son socks and a warm sweater, hat and gloves when he lived on the street in the winter. They weren't expensive and were much needed and it was unlikely he would sell them...and if he did, it was his loss because I only did this once.
I did not give him money for cigarettes, or food, there were many places that offered food to people like him. I would sometimes buy him a hot meal and share it with him.
That said, today I don't have any contact with him and as much as I love him I don't want to hear where addiction has taken him, it's just too sad for me. I will be here if he gets clean for a long period of time and is actually "living" a clean life.
Your daughter knows you love her, my sons knows I do. Sometimes just that is enough.
I hope I am not confusing you with this answer, but it's straight up from my heart.
Keeping you both in my prayers.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: not sure
Posts: 452
((NewImage)) You didn't screw up. Those midnight phone calls startle us and auto reflex sets in. You probably would be feeling worse had you not taken it.
I am quite surprised that you daughter had supplies ready to go. At least she recognized the consequences were coming, and she was ready to accept them. I see that as positive.
No one can tell you the exact, correct steps to take. You have to live with your comfort zone, and I think you are doing very well! An occasional phone, in my eyes, assures you that she is okay and reassures her (not that she doesn't already know it) that you care, but won't tolerate the lifestyle of an addict. Beware, though, that the jail calls are very expensive.
I think your daughter has seen two important messages from you. You will not accept her stealing from you and you still care about her. I wish I had taught my son as well when he first began the stunts. I did bail him out. He did steal from me. I did bail him out several times. Nothing changed.
Your girl will detox while there and begin to think more clearly and will soon even look better. If you doubt leaving her there is the right thing to do, go back to my post from earlier this week "Lesson from AS". Those are his words.
Hang in there sounds so trite when it's your child. Just keep up what you are doing, keep reading and praying. I care.
I am quite surprised that you daughter had supplies ready to go. At least she recognized the consequences were coming, and she was ready to accept them. I see that as positive.
No one can tell you the exact, correct steps to take. You have to live with your comfort zone, and I think you are doing very well! An occasional phone, in my eyes, assures you that she is okay and reassures her (not that she doesn't already know it) that you care, but won't tolerate the lifestyle of an addict. Beware, though, that the jail calls are very expensive.
I think your daughter has seen two important messages from you. You will not accept her stealing from you and you still care about her. I wish I had taught my son as well when he first began the stunts. I did bail him out. He did steal from me. I did bail him out several times. Nothing changed.
Your girl will detox while there and begin to think more clearly and will soon even look better. If you doubt leaving her there is the right thing to do, go back to my post from earlier this week "Lesson from AS". Those are his words.
Hang in there sounds so trite when it's your child. Just keep up what you are doing, keep reading and praying. I care.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,288
My daughter, after 3rd time being arrested calls me in the middle of the night. "mom, I'm in jail, I need you to bail me out".
Me: "figure it out yourself".
She calls again: Mom, I can't stay in here, it's horrible.
Me: Don't call me again. I hang up.
I've had it, beyond had it.
Oddly enough, they had some kind of thing, contract, you could sign and use as bail and she got out.
At least my name is not on it!
Me: "figure it out yourself".
She calls again: Mom, I can't stay in here, it's horrible.
Me: Don't call me again. I hang up.
I've had it, beyond had it.
Oddly enough, they had some kind of thing, contract, you could sign and use as bail and she got out.
At least my name is not on it!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
The anguish you re feeling is palpable in your post.
We shouldn't have to make decisions like these. This is so hard on a mother's heart. I think we do what we can live with at the time.
I guess you could ask yourself these questions.
Will the jail provide her something to wear...including socks?
Will the jail really allow you to deliver a package to her?
Sometimes people will make judgements of us as mothers of addicts. They will think we don't care. Even our troubled child will think we don't care. But just because someone thinks that or says that doesn't make it so. The most important thing is that you do what you can live with.....whatever that is.....and know in your heart that you love her.
In talking with my therapist the other day, she said "I feel that you are asking for my permission or blessing to not have contact with your son.". To which I replied "No...I know what I have to do.....I'm asking you to tell me that I'm not an evil human for doing it." and I broke down and cried.
I think this is how all of us feel sometimes.
You and your dear daughter will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
We shouldn't have to make decisions like these. This is so hard on a mother's heart. I think we do what we can live with at the time.
I guess you could ask yourself these questions.
Will the jail provide her something to wear...including socks?
Will the jail really allow you to deliver a package to her?
Sometimes people will make judgements of us as mothers of addicts. They will think we don't care. Even our troubled child will think we don't care. But just because someone thinks that or says that doesn't make it so. The most important thing is that you do what you can live with.....whatever that is.....and know in your heart that you love her.
In talking with my therapist the other day, she said "I feel that you are asking for my permission or blessing to not have contact with your son.". To which I replied "No...I know what I have to do.....I'm asking you to tell me that I'm not an evil human for doing it." and I broke down and cried.
I think this is how all of us feel sometimes.
You and your dear daughter will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
ke
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 456
The addict in my life was my father. He was an alcoholic.
His final year was spent in a medicaid funded nursing home. He had dementia and emphysema.
When his life started spiraling out of control, in/out of hospitals and a couple month stay in a mental institution, I also wrote a note giving a brief synopsis of his history. I too wanted to make sure that the staff knew that he wasn't always like this and that he did have people who still cared about him.
He lived four hours away from me and I ended up visiting once every other month. I would call him every three weeks or so. That was all that I could handle emotionally and financially. During each trip I would assess his clothing situation and bring him a special food treat.
When I read your post this morning, I was touched by how different and yet similar our circumstances were.
I think each individual can only truly decide how much they are capable of giving.
My father has passed, but I still have a brother that is lost in the world somewhere.
I still have hope that the healthy version of my brother will appear in my life in the future. I continue to live the best life I can and hope that I can share it with him someday. I want to have a healthy extended family for him to return to.
I'm praying for you and your daughter.
Hugs,
db
His final year was spent in a medicaid funded nursing home. He had dementia and emphysema.
When his life started spiraling out of control, in/out of hospitals and a couple month stay in a mental institution, I also wrote a note giving a brief synopsis of his history. I too wanted to make sure that the staff knew that he wasn't always like this and that he did have people who still cared about him.
He lived four hours away from me and I ended up visiting once every other month. I would call him every three weeks or so. That was all that I could handle emotionally and financially. During each trip I would assess his clothing situation and bring him a special food treat.
When I read your post this morning, I was touched by how different and yet similar our circumstances were.
I think each individual can only truly decide how much they are capable of giving.
My father has passed, but I still have a brother that is lost in the world somewhere.
I still have hope that the healthy version of my brother will appear in my life in the future. I continue to live the best life I can and hope that I can share it with him someday. I want to have a healthy extended family for him to return to.
I'm praying for you and your daughter.
Hugs,
db
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
I agree, you have to do what makes you feel OK with yourself. Block out what others say or think (sometimes hard to do). They haven't lived your life, you pain and YOUR heartache.
She will detox and her mind may be a clearer after some time. If I needed to try and reestablish my relationship, I would chose that time but only if I heard some humility in her voice. Easy for me to say, easy for me to write...but wouldn't be so easy to do.
But I would definitely contact the prison/jail Chaplin so some one can talk to her about God's love, mercey and grace!! Again, that choice will be hers to listen or refuse and would be very "telling" to me. JMO
My prayers go out to you and your daughter! May God give you a peace that passes all understanding.
She will detox and her mind may be a clearer after some time. If I needed to try and reestablish my relationship, I would chose that time but only if I heard some humility in her voice. Easy for me to say, easy for me to write...but wouldn't be so easy to do.
But I would definitely contact the prison/jail Chaplin so some one can talk to her about God's love, mercey and grace!! Again, that choice will be hers to listen or refuse and would be very "telling" to me. JMO
My prayers go out to you and your daughter! May God give you a peace that passes all understanding.
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