Introduction and Advice: Family of Substance Abuser
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: NY
Posts: 4
Introduction and Advice: Family of Substance Abuser
Hi. I am new to these forums and am looking for advice for me and my family, as we have just recently discovered that my brother is abusing prescription medicine. My brother has been struggling with drugs since he was in high school (he is 29 now). In high school he did almost any drug he could get his hands on. My parents knew that he was experimenting with drugs, and did all they could to stop him (short of calling the police). When high school was over, his drug use seemed to wane, or so we assumed. He began working at my family’s restaurant as the head baker. He was exploring religion (Christianity) on his own and becoming very attached to it. He continued to live with my parents as all of my other siblings and myself moved out of the house to start our own families. He kept a messy/chaotic environment around him, but when he wanted to clean up his act (lose weight/clean his room) he would do it on his own accord. Our mother always woke him up when it was time to work (he works overnights), and would often have to continually badger him to wake up. His entire life he has been being treated like a child. Despite the fact that he is a fully-grown adult, he never objected to such treatment, nor did he try to change any bit of his life.
About six months ago my mother noticed a rolled up dollar bill in his room, and found an unknown pill in his pocket while doing his laundry. Knowing something was up, my mother confronted him and he swore he would make an effort to stop. Not realizing the gravity of the situation, our entire family, or at least those who knew the situation, “brushed it under the rug” for the time being. Last week my brother missed work because he was “sick.” My mom knew something was wrong because he is rarely out sick, especially on a busy week such as the one before Easter. She again found another rolled up bill in his room, identifying to her that he was potentially back on drugs again. Apparently my brother had decided that he was going to quit doing drugs and was sick from withdrawal (having seizure-like episodes). Talking to my brother this past weekend, I discovered a very scared and lonely individual. He stated how he “didn’t know what kind of person [he] is,” but assured us that he wanted to quit doing drugs. I made the decision to come back to my parents house for a few days to help support him and my mother through the rough patches of his withdrawal symptoms (I work with incarcerated youth who are often going through serious withdrawal under my care and supervision, so I feel I have a pretty good handle of the circumstances). We discussed with my brother how we feel as though he should seek professional help in the matter of getting clean. We suggested an outpatient rehab program, an N.A. meeting, and/or by simply going to church. He hastily stated he does not want to do that and that he has the strength to do this. While I respect the fact that he feels he has the strength, I have seen him relapse far too many times to believe that he will be sober for good. He believes that he can do this “in Christ” as he puts it… he feels he does not want to cover up his drug addiction with another addiction, of which he believes all of these positive steps are. Despite this fact, we decided together that he would continue working at the bakery, but his pay would be withheld, and he would be drug tested weekly. While we all agreed to these decisions, I do not believe they are a long-term solution.
Today he sent my mother a very strange e-mail, in which he touted verses from the bible in a nonsensical manner. My mother was concerned that it is a cry for help. As I read and re-read the email, I found his writing to be very similar to that of someone who is mentally ill (more specifically schizophrenic). Either way, we are very concerned for him at this time.
Well, if you read this whole post, THANK YOU. If not, I totally understand. What I really am looking for here is advice. None of you truly know the situation, but we are pretty new to trying to actually deal with these problems. I know we can not force him to go to rehab (he needs to make that decision on his own), however, do you have any advice for us?
About six months ago my mother noticed a rolled up dollar bill in his room, and found an unknown pill in his pocket while doing his laundry. Knowing something was up, my mother confronted him and he swore he would make an effort to stop. Not realizing the gravity of the situation, our entire family, or at least those who knew the situation, “brushed it under the rug” for the time being. Last week my brother missed work because he was “sick.” My mom knew something was wrong because he is rarely out sick, especially on a busy week such as the one before Easter. She again found another rolled up bill in his room, identifying to her that he was potentially back on drugs again. Apparently my brother had decided that he was going to quit doing drugs and was sick from withdrawal (having seizure-like episodes). Talking to my brother this past weekend, I discovered a very scared and lonely individual. He stated how he “didn’t know what kind of person [he] is,” but assured us that he wanted to quit doing drugs. I made the decision to come back to my parents house for a few days to help support him and my mother through the rough patches of his withdrawal symptoms (I work with incarcerated youth who are often going through serious withdrawal under my care and supervision, so I feel I have a pretty good handle of the circumstances). We discussed with my brother how we feel as though he should seek professional help in the matter of getting clean. We suggested an outpatient rehab program, an N.A. meeting, and/or by simply going to church. He hastily stated he does not want to do that and that he has the strength to do this. While I respect the fact that he feels he has the strength, I have seen him relapse far too many times to believe that he will be sober for good. He believes that he can do this “in Christ” as he puts it… he feels he does not want to cover up his drug addiction with another addiction, of which he believes all of these positive steps are. Despite this fact, we decided together that he would continue working at the bakery, but his pay would be withheld, and he would be drug tested weekly. While we all agreed to these decisions, I do not believe they are a long-term solution.
Today he sent my mother a very strange e-mail, in which he touted verses from the bible in a nonsensical manner. My mother was concerned that it is a cry for help. As I read and re-read the email, I found his writing to be very similar to that of someone who is mentally ill (more specifically schizophrenic). Either way, we are very concerned for him at this time.
Well, if you read this whole post, THANK YOU. If not, I totally understand. What I really am looking for here is advice. None of you truly know the situation, but we are pretty new to trying to actually deal with these problems. I know we can not force him to go to rehab (he needs to make that decision on his own), however, do you have any advice for us?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 227
I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. It sounds like your bother is in crisis and needs more help than you or your parents are able to provide. When my son started showing really bizarre symptoms I made the heartbreaking decision to call a crisis team to have him evaluated. Where I am (and in most states) they can do an involuntary hold to evaluate psychiatric stability. Many states also have laws that will allow someone to be forced into substance abuse treatment for a specified period of time. I know many people would say that the addict needs to want treatment for himself, but if he is showing signs that he could be a danger to himself I would recommend investigating that option.
The other option would be to set a firm boundary that your mother will not allow an active drug user in her house. If he breaks that boundary he'd be asked to leave. That is a very hard stance to take but one many of us have had to take. Allowing your brother to suffer the consequences of the lifestyle he's chosen for himself may be what he needs to help him see that his life is out of control and that he needs help.
Lastly, I'd strongly encourage you and your family to find a support group to attend. Alanon/narAnon/families anonymous groups will be so helpful and allow you to meet other people who are going through/have gone through what you are currently dealing with and will provide an invaluable support network.
The other option would be to set a firm boundary that your mother will not allow an active drug user in her house. If he breaks that boundary he'd be asked to leave. That is a very hard stance to take but one many of us have had to take. Allowing your brother to suffer the consequences of the lifestyle he's chosen for himself may be what he needs to help him see that his life is out of control and that he needs help.
Lastly, I'd strongly encourage you and your family to find a support group to attend. Alanon/narAnon/families anonymous groups will be so helpful and allow you to meet other people who are going through/have gone through what you are currently dealing with and will provide an invaluable support network.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((wberpunk))) - Welcome to SR! I'm both an RA (recovering addict) as well as a loved one of several who are addicted.
I didn't seek recovery until the consequences of using got too much. I'm grateful for family who allowed me to hit my bottom, though I now know how hard it was on them.
It's often hard to tell what is mental illness vs. addiction, and usually you can't tell until the person stops the drugs for quite a while.
I can tell you that this forum has made a HUGE difference in my recovery. I started using as a way to "deal" with a loved one who was an A (alcoholic/addict). Even though I know addiction inside and out, I was not prepared to be the loved one of an A. SR and all the great people here have helped me, in that respect.
When I first came here, I read a ton of posts, and realized I wasn't alone in my thinking. My suggestion is to keep reading and posting.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I didn't seek recovery until the consequences of using got too much. I'm grateful for family who allowed me to hit my bottom, though I now know how hard it was on them.
It's often hard to tell what is mental illness vs. addiction, and usually you can't tell until the person stops the drugs for quite a while.
I can tell you that this forum has made a HUGE difference in my recovery. I started using as a way to "deal" with a loved one who was an A (alcoholic/addict). Even though I know addiction inside and out, I was not prepared to be the loved one of an A. SR and all the great people here have helped me, in that respect.
When I first came here, I read a ton of posts, and realized I wasn't alone in my thinking. My suggestion is to keep reading and posting.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
An addict will seldom move toward recovery (I use the word recovery because it is different from abstinence) if the circumstances aren't movtivating him/her. Often these kinds of scenarios simply makes them get a bit sneakier so that they don't get caught.
My best suggestion for you and your mother is to look into a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting. When we work the program that we wish they would, at least someone is making progress.
Welcome to SR. It can be very confusing having a family member who is addicted. I hope you stick around. Read. Ask questions. And learn all you can about addiction and codependence.
gentle hugs
ke
My best suggestion for you and your mother is to look into a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting. When we work the program that we wish they would, at least someone is making progress.
Welcome to SR. It can be very confusing having a family member who is addicted. I hope you stick around. Read. Ask questions. And learn all you can about addiction and codependence.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I found the book, "Cracked", by Dr. Drew Pinsky, very helpful in understanding addiction as well as treatment and co-occurring disorders. I think it's still in print.If not, the website alibris.com probably offers an inexpensive used copy.
Reasonable conversations with drug addicts about their disease do not usually work. It almost always takes painful consequences hitting the addict again and again and again to evoke a decision to get sober. Your brother seems pretty well set up: mother-care, family job, lots of sympathy and attention. It will be really important that the entire family become educated about enabling and also about the ways addicts con their families into sheltering them from the natural crises that addiction creates. He has already become the center of family life. You are at risk of losing focus on yourself and your life and your needs and becoming consumed by worry or control over your brother. Fear for the addict can control the family. And that's the way the addict gets what he wants. What he wants is the most supportive environment possible for getting high.
My guess is that he doesn't want to give up drugs at all. He would just like to stop feeling the negative consequences of withdrawal. He would like to stop feeling like sh** when he comes off his high. His wall of resistance to any treatment indicates he has not capitulated. Surrendered. Does not want to get clean.
Welcome to SR. Please keep reading. There are RA's here who can cut through the bull**** you might hear at home.
Reasonable conversations with drug addicts about their disease do not usually work. It almost always takes painful consequences hitting the addict again and again and again to evoke a decision to get sober. Your brother seems pretty well set up: mother-care, family job, lots of sympathy and attention. It will be really important that the entire family become educated about enabling and also about the ways addicts con their families into sheltering them from the natural crises that addiction creates. He has already become the center of family life. You are at risk of losing focus on yourself and your life and your needs and becoming consumed by worry or control over your brother. Fear for the addict can control the family. And that's the way the addict gets what he wants. What he wants is the most supportive environment possible for getting high.
My guess is that he doesn't want to give up drugs at all. He would just like to stop feeling the negative consequences of withdrawal. He would like to stop feeling like sh** when he comes off his high. His wall of resistance to any treatment indicates he has not capitulated. Surrendered. Does not want to get clean.
Welcome to SR. Please keep reading. There are RA's here who can cut through the bull**** you might hear at home.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 598
One of the first things you and your mother must realize is that what your brother says and what is really true are two different things. Addicts and lying go hand in hand. One thing I've noticed with my RAS is that when he would get really talkative and unloading what I thought was the truth and saying all the "right" words that gave me hope was a prelude to a relapse. Maybe my son was battling inside himself to not use and was trying to talk himself out of using again, but he still used again. So be wary of all the "right" sounding words. Words are meaningless. Actions are what counts. If he wants to recover there will be more than words coming out of his mouth. He will want and will do what it takes to recover.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
My daughter was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder while in a dual diagnosis rehab. She was supposed to need medications for the rest of her life to function. The medical professionals were mistaken. Her cognitive processes were scrambled by drug usuage and likely there was some mood altering drug seeking going on, too.
The "schizophrenia spectrum" includes all sorts of symptoms some of which could be triggered/enhanced by illegal drug usage. A deeply manifested relationship between religion and schizophrenia is common stuff. Your brother needs an objective evaluation by medical professionals who are aware of his prior drug usage and behaviors because there likely a connection.
There may also be some learned helplessness going on here. That's the part of this the family controls. If he can bake, he can certainly do his laundry and chores around the house and take some responsibility for himself until this whole thing is sorted out.
The "schizophrenia spectrum" includes all sorts of symptoms some of which could be triggered/enhanced by illegal drug usage. A deeply manifested relationship between religion and schizophrenia is common stuff. Your brother needs an objective evaluation by medical professionals who are aware of his prior drug usage and behaviors because there likely a connection.
There may also be some learned helplessness going on here. That's the part of this the family controls. If he can bake, he can certainly do his laundry and chores around the house and take some responsibility for himself until this whole thing is sorted out.
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