5 year old - Pregnant - Homeless in 2 months
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 17
5 year old - Pregnant - Homeless in 2 months
I have no idea what I am going to do or where I am going to go. My qualifier who still actively uses speed (up for 3 days, down for 1, depressed, happy) and I have a 5 year old and I am 9 months pregnant. My mother is paying our rent only until end of June then we are on our own. I do not have a job and either does he. At this point I am unable to work because of the baby due anytime now. I have been babysitting a little to earn some income. He is mentally disabled I think and his substance abuse is not helping. He says he is applying for jobs but not sure. He owned his own business as a general contractor but with the economy he no longer works. We had a house fire (complete loss) Christmas Eve 2010 that was the day that he started using speed and has ever since. Now I cannot blame everything on him i also have put my head in the sand in hopes that this mess will go away but it has not. I am scared and alone. He is now very upset with me telling me I dont do anything to help him recovery. He just asks me to go to meetings with him and I dont. I started to but then it was like pulling teeth to have him go. My thoughts if he really wanted to get clean he would go no matter what. He told me this morning that he is going to the court house today to file custody of our son. Said the race is on whoever files first wins. Our sons life is not a game. I think he is trying to get a rise out of me so I am not playing. However it may be in my best interest to go to the courthouse and file. What are your thoughts?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Your mother is doing the right thing, to no longer continue to support your life with a drug addict. She knows you need to get away from him, not be helped to stay in your situation.
Will she take you in, with the two children? Will you agree to not allow your abf in her home if she does? Will you agree to stay there, with the children, for a solid year so her life does not become a rollercoaster? If so, then I would ask her to shelter you and the children for one year, and in that year, get yourself some training so you can raise your kids alone for as long as necessary.
His threats about custody are to terrify you into making no changes. He wants things the way they are because he has his life set up to use and to have an enabler (you) cover his a**.
Talk to your mother. And please try Al-Anon.
Your 5 year old is at great risk of severe emotional damage from her addict father's insanity. Please protect the child. And the new baby.
Talk to your mother. And a lawyer about child support. You have to be a mother first. Always. You have to be a MOTHER.
We are glad you posted. Many here understand and we are on your side.
Will she take you in, with the two children? Will you agree to not allow your abf in her home if she does? Will you agree to stay there, with the children, for a solid year so her life does not become a rollercoaster? If so, then I would ask her to shelter you and the children for one year, and in that year, get yourself some training so you can raise your kids alone for as long as necessary.
His threats about custody are to terrify you into making no changes. He wants things the way they are because he has his life set up to use and to have an enabler (you) cover his a**.
Talk to your mother. And please try Al-Anon.
Your 5 year old is at great risk of severe emotional damage from her addict father's insanity. Please protect the child. And the new baby.
Talk to your mother. And a lawyer about child support. You have to be a mother first. Always. You have to be a MOTHER.
We are glad you posted. Many here understand and we are on your side.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
About 13 months ago you shared that your BF of 14 years was an alcoholic and that the drugs ( heroin and speed) started about 6 years ago. This is not a new problem , just a continuation of his actice addiction to different substances. At one point he was spending $600-1200 a month on dope.
You also mentioned his controlling behaviors, ODs including one in front of your child, suicide notes and that he was carrying guns. This is not an appropriate or safe enviornment for any child.
The BF is manipulating you with threats to take custody of the children. It's noise. If he cared about the kids he would move heaven and earth to be a father instead of bio dad.
The BF is living his life as he see fits. There is nothing you can do or say that's going to change him. Recovery is an inside job.
Call your mother and ask her if she will allow you and your son and soon to be born child to return home now and get some stability going.
You also mentioned his controlling behaviors, ODs including one in front of your child, suicide notes and that he was carrying guns. This is not an appropriate or safe enviornment for any child.
The BF is manipulating you with threats to take custody of the children. It's noise. If he cared about the kids he would move heaven and earth to be a father instead of bio dad.
The BF is living his life as he see fits. There is nothing you can do or say that's going to change him. Recovery is an inside job.
Call your mother and ask her if she will allow you and your son and soon to be born child to return home now and get some stability going.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Savannah Georgia
Posts: 124
"Call your mother and ask her if she will allow you and your son and soon to be born child to return home now and get some stability going" OuttoLunch said it best! Go to a safe place (Mom would be ideal if the relationship is still intact). You HAVE to get away from this guy! He's an active addict. Unable to provide ANY of your needs...let alone your children. Time to draw a line in the sand! You really need to be in a safe place right now with a 5 yr-old and an infant on the way any day!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
May be time to stop playing house and become a responsible parent, as your ABf certainly is not one and based on his track record, I doubt that he ever will be. So, the ball is in your court.
Your mother has the right idea, stop enabling both you and him. If she will take you in for a short period of time then I would suggest that you go with that plan.
Have your baby, get yourself a job and most important...put those children first.
Your mother has the right idea, stop enabling both you and him. If she will take you in for a short period of time then I would suggest that you go with that plan.
Have your baby, get yourself a job and most important...put those children first.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 17
Thank you sooo much for all the feedback, I have an open mind. My mother lives in OH and us in CA. She will let us move back to OH but not with her she said she would help us set up in a new place. My qualifier is stating that I cannot take our son out of state without his consent and would have me arrested. Last night I finally got a backbone and said something about his using and how I wanted it to stop. I dont want to raise a family with a tweeker as a dad. His response was what are you going to do for me? "You want something from me, dont you think you should bring something to the table?" The moment I start to talk with him I shut down, coil up. He spent 8-10 hours on wiring my back speakers in my truck which already worked, he just want a better quality sound. He also put a CB radio in my truck. I politely asked him not to touch my truck, if it is not broke dont fix it, we have other priorities. He then got really upset and told me that I am an ungrateful bitch and cannot touch any of his stuff. The sad thing is that everything in this house except my clothes and a desk is his. He told me I cannot sit on the couch, or at the kitchen table because it is all his. Yes I could have worded it differently but my goodness I never asked for a louder system in my truck or cb radio, priorities like getting a job would be great! You guys are right about moving closer to my mother. I have nothing here no friends, no job, no house, no family, I guess I just dont want to hurt our son anymore
My mom will be out here in 2 weeks for one month to help us out!
My mom will be out here in 2 weeks for one month to help us out!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: My Own Headspace
Posts: 158
you could find a domestic violence shelter in your area, if necessary, and it sounds like it might be. he's obviously controlling and emotionally abusive, and no good will come of raising children in his presence...at least not while he's using and doing/saying what he can to control you.
his threats of filing for custody are clearly control tactics meant to scare you into doing what he wants you to do. in reality, does he really intend to raise children on his own? they'll be in the way of his using. it doesn't sound like this is in your kid(s)' best interests, and that's what he *should* be driven by...
also, if he's using in front of your five-year-old, you can petition the court to make it so he can't use around him or several hours before being around him (even if you're together). another scenario (which i see often at work) is that the judge could mandate you to stay away from him, since it's your job to protect your children from harm or potential harm. in other words, if you know he's using, a judge could question why you're staying with him if you're top priority is your children...
it would be wise to file for primary physical custody on your own. i lived with those exact same threats for two years. whenever my ex-husband and i argued and he felt the need for power/control, he'd say "i'll file for custody." scared the daylights out of me because to a mom, that's hitting below the belt. he always said "you see a therapist, so i'll tell the judge you're crazy." and i believed him. truth is, the judge probably would have seen therapy as a good thing, not a negative. but i didn't see that at the time.
in terms of him being around your five-year-old, less is more, in this case, do you think?
i know you're scared, but you're definitely NOT alone. you'd be surprised how many women (and men) have been in similar threatening, super scary situations. he's succeeded in scaring you, and that was his goal.
go to court tomorrow, and file for custody. your son will be appointed a law guardian, and you can get an attorney to help you (court appointed or otherwise).
i wish you the best.
his threats of filing for custody are clearly control tactics meant to scare you into doing what he wants you to do. in reality, does he really intend to raise children on his own? they'll be in the way of his using. it doesn't sound like this is in your kid(s)' best interests, and that's what he *should* be driven by...
also, if he's using in front of your five-year-old, you can petition the court to make it so he can't use around him or several hours before being around him (even if you're together). another scenario (which i see often at work) is that the judge could mandate you to stay away from him, since it's your job to protect your children from harm or potential harm. in other words, if you know he's using, a judge could question why you're staying with him if you're top priority is your children...
it would be wise to file for primary physical custody on your own. i lived with those exact same threats for two years. whenever my ex-husband and i argued and he felt the need for power/control, he'd say "i'll file for custody." scared the daylights out of me because to a mom, that's hitting below the belt. he always said "you see a therapist, so i'll tell the judge you're crazy." and i believed him. truth is, the judge probably would have seen therapy as a good thing, not a negative. but i didn't see that at the time.
in terms of him being around your five-year-old, less is more, in this case, do you think?
i know you're scared, but you're definitely NOT alone. you'd be surprised how many women (and men) have been in similar threatening, super scary situations. he's succeeded in scaring you, and that was his goal.
go to court tomorrow, and file for custody. your son will be appointed a law guardian, and you can get an attorney to help you (court appointed or otherwise).
i wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Germany
Posts: 73
Hi,
do you realize your posts are all about HIM? Get the focus off the guy and look at yourself. Have you ever considered going to CoDA, Alanon or the like? This is your life and how much more of it are you going to waste? There's a better life out there waiting for you.
If you fail to grow up chances are you won't be able to raise two children and from the looks of it you can't expect much help from the sperm donator. You can do this but you have to get active. All the best for the birth of your baby.
do you realize your posts are all about HIM? Get the focus off the guy and look at yourself. Have you ever considered going to CoDA, Alanon or the like? This is your life and how much more of it are you going to waste? There's a better life out there waiting for you.
If you fail to grow up chances are you won't be able to raise two children and from the looks of it you can't expect much help from the sperm donator. You can do this but you have to get active. All the best for the birth of your baby.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: My Own Headspace
Posts: 158
just read your second post, boogabstell...
this guy is trouble.
best put him in your rearview mirror asap.
and document, document, document...
if you can prove he's using, all the better.
you'll be fighting the good fight for your children (and yourself), and it sounds like you really want what's best for them.
you deserve more than living in fear of someone taking your kids from you.
this guy is trouble.
best put him in your rearview mirror asap.
and document, document, document...
if you can prove he's using, all the better.
you'll be fighting the good fight for your children (and yourself), and it sounds like you really want what's best for them.
you deserve more than living in fear of someone taking your kids from you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 227
Go back to Ohio and don't even tell him you're leaving. Ask mom to cancel her trip and instead send plane tickets for you and your son. If he wants to he can file a motion for visitation etc but once you're in Ohio, and as long as there's no formal custody agreement in place before you leave, there will be nothing he can do about forcing you or the kids to go back to CA.
I'm not a lawyer, so you may want to contact a woman's help line for legal advice before hand.
Bottom line, you need to protect yourself and your child(ren) and getting as far away from him as possible will be the best thing for all involved.
You dont deserve to be treated this way and neither do your children!
((hugs))
I'm not a lawyer, so you may want to contact a woman's help line for legal advice before hand.
Bottom line, you need to protect yourself and your child(ren) and getting as far away from him as possible will be the best thing for all involved.
You dont deserve to be treated this way and neither do your children!
((hugs))
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
Telling you that you can't sit on his couch or at the table is controlling. It sounds like he is emotionally abusive as well as verbally. If Cali has a domestic violence grant you can go apply for it and they will give you money to move into your own place.
You and your children deserve better than what a unemployed, tweeker with a controlling spirit and a foul mouth will give you. He has nothing to offer in his broken-ness. You want to give your kids wholeness, happiness and health. You're not going to find that in him.
Do you and your kids a favor and get away. Go with your mom and don't bring him with you. As long as he uses he is a weed around your ankle and will only pull you down.
Passion
You and your children deserve better than what a unemployed, tweeker with a controlling spirit and a foul mouth will give you. He has nothing to offer in his broken-ness. You want to give your kids wholeness, happiness and health. You're not going to find that in him.
Do you and your kids a favor and get away. Go with your mom and don't bring him with you. As long as he uses he is a weed around your ankle and will only pull you down.
Passion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
I have been in a similar place to where you are. If he sees no need for help it will only get worse. Believe me when I say this. It will get worse.
You might be surprised at how much you can do where you are. There are often MORE resources available for pregnant women. Start making some phone calls...start asking questions. A restraining order doesn't sound out of line. Neither does leaving for Ohio.
I'm sure you are scared but you can do this. Your children deserve a loving PEACEFUL home. That is what forced my hand. I didn't want my son to witness anymore.
I say all this with concern and compassion. My ah had the same DOC. we were together almost 20 years! It was not easy...actually it is still hard. But I am getting used to quietness and lack of chaos!
You might be surprised at how much you can do where you are. There are often MORE resources available for pregnant women. Start making some phone calls...start asking questions. A restraining order doesn't sound out of line. Neither does leaving for Ohio.
I'm sure you are scared but you can do this. Your children deserve a loving PEACEFUL home. That is what forced my hand. I didn't want my son to witness anymore.
I say all this with concern and compassion. My ah had the same DOC. we were together almost 20 years! It was not easy...actually it is still hard. But I am getting used to quietness and lack of chaos!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 17
Thank you once again, for some reason or another I feel stronger today. I keep repeating to myself "I am NOT the Victim" which is helping. I am getting the necessary help as in WIC, Food Stamps, Medi Cal so I called today to see what kind of housing help I can get. My Mom is on board she said when she comes out she will help in anyway she can. I have been going to Alanon for 1 1/2 years however in that time I have only gone approx 15 times I like so many others I am sure have an extremely hard time asking for help (especially in person) because I do not want to bother anyone or put them out. So My qualifier wrote a list of the things that he wants from me and if I do not do it then we are over according to him. The list reads --- Go to Meetings, Accept Responsibility, Work the program with him. Sounds easy but I asked him to clarify go to meetings everyday with him and read with him? He then got upset and told me that I am a moron and that he should not have to clarify. I am not going to revolve my schedule life around bringing him to meetings so I told Him I would at Noon everyday so we would not have to pay for babysitting. He said he cant promise anything because things change. Anyway thanks again to listening to me vent
I like so many others I am sure have an extremely hard time asking for help (especially in person) because I do not want to bother anyone or put them out. So My qualifier wrote a list of the things that he wants from me and if I do not do it then we are over according to him. The list reads --- Go to Meetings, Accept Responsibility, Work the program with him. Sounds easy but I asked him to clarify go to meetings everyday with him and read with him? He then got upset and told me that I am a moron and that he should not have to clarify. I am not going to revolve my schedule life around bringing him to meetings so I told Him I would at Noon everyday so we would not have to pay for babysitting. He said he cant promise anything because things change. Anyway thanks again to listening to me vent Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Originally Posted by boogabstell 
The list reads --- Go to Meetings, Accept Responsibility, Work the program with him. Sounds easy but I asked him to clarify go to meetings everyday with him and read with him?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
It sounds like he is making excuses for his using. He is blaming you, saying you need to go to meetings, etc., when that is his responsibility. I'm glad you are making phone calls looking for help. There are resources out there. Are you going to a clinic for prenatal visits? If you are, you could tell one of them about the situation that you are in. Tell them that you aren't in a safe place at home, and you need resources to help you. They should know of social workers, etc., that could help. You don't need to feel bad about asking for help. There are a lot of people out there who have been through similar situations, and they want to help you.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
I agree with all of the previous responders that have encouraged you to move on with your life.
If you are not able to or don't want to move to OH with your Mom, then contact women's help resources and move out on your own in CA.
It is not your responsibility to work a recovery program for your BF, it is his. (I would encourage you to go to AlAnon or NarAnon for yourself.)
DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT try to have any more intelligent conversations with your addict - it isn't going to work. His threats to call the police or "you can't move out of state with my child" are empty threats. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT worry about what he will or might do - he won't follow through because he is more concerned with using drugs.
If you are not able to or don't want to move to OH with your Mom, then contact women's help resources and move out on your own in CA.
It is not your responsibility to work a recovery program for your BF, it is his. (I would encourage you to go to AlAnon or NarAnon for yourself.)
DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT try to have any more intelligent conversations with your addict - it isn't going to work. His threats to call the police or "you can't move out of state with my child" are empty threats. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT worry about what he will or might do - he won't follow through because he is more concerned with using drugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 17
So last night I got a sitter for our son so my qualifier and I could go to a meeting like he requested. Needless to say he did not go but I did He proceeded to call while I was picking our son up from the sitters and ask to make love. Ha ha ha, I just had to laugh. and told him that with all his actions that will not be happening anytime soon. I have set up an appt with legal aide to assist with custody and put calls out for assisted living just as an option. You guys are absolutely correct I need to put our children FIRST, and not be concerned what his actions are. However the yelling at me calling me a bitch in infront of our son I told him that needs to stop! he also today asked me for money I told him if he needs something that I will go and get it for him as in clothes, soap, etc but not drugs. He said ok. Then he proceeded out the door with one of my favorite coffee mugs and asks "Do you like this mug?" I said yes and then he throws it on the concrete steps and it smashes. Real mature I tell him and his response oh you have not seen nothing yet. WOW! I am/will not feed into that and I am really trying not to play the victim role anymore! My mother who is a recovering alcoholic (25 years knows nothing about his addiction this time around because I have not told here. I think I should before she comes out. Any thoughts?
He proceeded to call while I was picking our son up from the sitters and ask to make love. Ha ha ha, I just had to laugh. and told him that with all his actions that will not be happening anytime soon. I have set up an appt with legal aide to assist with custody and put calls out for assisted living just as an option. You guys are absolutely correct I need to put our children FIRST, and not be concerned what his actions are. However the yelling at me calling me a bitch in infront of our son I told him that needs to stop! he also today asked me for money I told him if he needs something that I will go and get it for him as in clothes, soap, etc but not drugs. He said ok. Then he proceeded out the door with one of my favorite coffee mugs and asks "Do you like this mug?" I said yes and then he throws it on the concrete steps and it smashes. Real mature I tell him and his response oh you have not seen nothing yet. WOW! I am/will not feed into that and I am really trying not to play the victim role anymore! My mother who is a recovering alcoholic (25 years knows nothing about his addiction this time around because I have not told here. I think I should before she comes out. Any thoughts?
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