Just need to let some pain out
 

Sometimes I find myself staring off into space and thinking of nothing and everything at once. I feel calm and nervous, scared and brave, angry and sad. Never completely at peace. As for happy, that is something I haven’t truly felt in a long time. I do have moments of peace and gratitude for my children, seeing their smiles, hearing their laughter. It helps me get through the days. But a true deep felt happiness? No not in a very long time. What I seem to feel almost everyday is longing for something I had for a fleeting moment it seems. That past happiness, a dream I had had since I was a little girl of finding love and making a family. Foolish young dreams. What I feel almost every day is this weight in my stomach, this intense nervous feeling every time the phone rings or I get a text or I hear a knock at the door. Fear that it will be him, and fear that it won’t. What if he gets better and I am not there? What if he doesn’t get better and I am there. Too much thinking. Too many possibilities. But I keep going and showing my kids that it will “All be alright” even though right now I have absolutely no freaking idea how that will happen. How can I do it all alone? I never wanted that, I wanted a partner to share my life with. To teach our children to be wonderful people. But now its just me! One good parent is better than two broken ones. I completely believe that, but it doesn’t change this searing pain in my heart. This choking feeling in my throat that I have to fight daily so I don’t cry my eyes out at any given moment.
In the mornings when I am getting everyone ready for the day, that is when the anger hits, the stress. Why do I have to do this alone?! When my kids are screaming and crying to get my attention and I am running late, those are the moments that I hate him for what we are going through. That I blame him for everything. But at night when I can’t sleep and I am wondering around the house, those are the moments that I want him back. That I doubt everything. That I just want to curl up and have my Mommy make it all go away. But then an new day begins and I start all over again.
I hope and pray that this will get easier in time. That I will be able to handle all this. That I will be worthy of my kids. That one day I will be proud of myself and not feel like such a failure in all ways. And maybe one day forgive myself and then maybe believe that it is not my fault no matter what I feel.

Let me first say that I have read some of your other posts, and you are certainly worthy of your kids!! I think you are a fantastic mother. And none of this is your fault!! You wouldn't blame yourself if your husband got cancer, would you? Addiction is a disease as well, one that has the power to destroy lives if left untreated.

It will take time to let go of past dreams, but when you do you will be able to move on to bigger and better. There is definitely more out there for you, for your kids. Have you read the sticky called "the brain chemistry of being a loved one"? I read that when I'm feeling sad, and it helps put things into perspective.

Yez5,

I was going to say exactly what Golfishsyn said.
Your dreams of marriage and family were never foolish. But we can never know where the road will lead us. Your husband fell to an addiction; but it could have been something else just as easily like cancer, stroke, disabled from car accident.*

I've read many of your posts also; you sound like a great mother, and a strong woman. As the days go by I pray that you will slowly begin painting a new dream for the future; one that says regardless of what happens with your husbands recovery; you will find peace and happiness again.*

I could have written that myself. Every word. When the baby won't sleep or she's up at 4am, I am so angry that I have to do this alone. In the evenings I get lonely, and I miss him. Thats when I'm most likely to call him. That's when I read, or catch up on tv, or phone a friend or my sister or someone from my meeting. Loneliness won't kill me I don't expect, and 99% of the time I'd rather be alone than abused.
You are not a failure. You should be very proud- look what you've done! Look how much progress you're making. It's visible through your posts. Did you end up going to alanon? I don't remember!

The kind words are definitely needed today...thank you. I had to run out of work and pick up one of my kids because of a stomach virus. Here we go. But I didn't freak and I didn't get mad, which has been a commom occurance lately. I have to go pick up my other two now. They sure make my life interesting! By the way Windmills, I never made it to a meeting but I did get a therapist. I think I am better with one on one at least for now.

That's great, I read your thread the other day yes. You're definitely doing all the right things. I often find I just have to push myself to keep on with what I'm doing (counselling, reaching out etc) and keep the faith that things can and will get better. You need time to heal. Be kind to yourself. Hope your sick little one gets well soon, and that the others don't catch it! xx

In the immortal words of Dory......

"Just keep swimming"

Finding Nemo - Just Keep Swimming - YouTube

Yez5,

Your post made me cry! I can so understand how you are feeling and just want to let you know you are not alone and offer a virtual HUG.

Time and therapy will help...I know I've been there too. The time thing is the rub......especially when all we want is a quick way to feel some happiness to get us through. It will come - in little bits at first and then build.

Hang in there.....you are really doing well even though you may not feel it to the extent you deserve at the moment.

Sorry about the virus......here's hoping it passes quickly and stays contained....one more thing you don't need on top of everything else.

Morning all. So I actually got to work on time! It seems my daughter didn't have a virus but a reaction to the antibiotic she was taking for an allergic reaction she got to a fire ant bite! And now with the fires in FL the air quality has become very bad. Seriously WTF! My life lately seems like "a series of unfortunate events"!! Sorry a momentary temper tantrum. Today is my second meeting with my therapist so he will have his work cut out that's for sure. I have had no contact with my AH since the 6th. Not very long in normal terms but a life time in my current emotional state. Thank God for the new friends I have found here. You support and understanding is a wonderful gift.

I absolutely love your avatar. Owls are my favorite!

You are not alone. I could have written your post. It is a horrible place to be. I just pray someday I'll see the glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. I understand the anger and the longing. Fully! All we can do is keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep moving.

Hugs to you.

It's been since I lived in Georgia, but fire ants are eeeeeeevil!
Bit my poor son's legs to bits.

I hope your daughter feels better soon.
I love that owl too.


Beth

Owls have always been my favorite. They tend to calm me for some reason so I have many decorative ones in my home.

Sorry to jump around, that's how my mind works, but I have a question. Is it wrong to remove my AH name from the contact form and permission to pick up the kids from school? I don't think he would ever do anything like try to get them but I get this feeling that it is something I should do. Am I overreacting?



“May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.”
― George Carlin

Yes, I would remove his permission to take them from the school. He may, when high, get a "great idea" and think how cool it would be to take the children to the river to fish, to the mountains, to the amusement park...... He could walk into the school and simply walk out with your children. I have normal friends who actually surprise their children with a "special together day" and pick up their child at school for an outing. The school, of course, lets the child go.

So off your children would go, in a car with a driver under the influence, to who knows where, for a day of fun.

I would remove him. It never hurts to be prepared right? My ex for one has done things I could never have believed he would do.. You're just being careful IMO. You wouldn't let them go with anyone else who might be under the influence, no?

I agree, I will remove him today.

yez5,

thank you so much for your post. i was thinking about the same thing today. most of the days i feel exactly like you described. i am just doing my best to get through the day and then after being up half the night (have a baby) i get up to do exactly the same, all over again. i also cannot remember when i was truly happy (other than being with my AH in la la land and in denial about his addiction). my daily feelings consist mostly of anger towards the whole world and despair about how i'm going to make it.

and then every once in a while and mind you very rarely (but yes indeed) i do feel just a tiny glimpse of being really happy. today i had one of those moments and i have no idea what brought it on, but i felt a true moment of happiness as i was driving and doing errands. and this was not the first time that i felt it.

i remember that it was very tough in the beginning. i have been away from my AH for over a year now. i have never completely went no contact, but i do not respond to his calls or texts at all (despite the fact that sometimes i want to so badly). i guess the point that i'm trying to make is that the happiness seems to come back w/ time. it is almost like having a burned down forest and then w/ time new blades of grass start appearing, and then small bushes, and then the trees finally come back. it does not happen overnight. i thought once i left that i would be instantly so relieved and happy again, but it does not work like that.

stay strong and take care of yourself and your kids (i have 3 little ones too). i admire your courage and strength.

hugs and prayers to you and your kids.

Yez - I so relate to your post. Like some of the others here, I know those moments of complete anger when you are trying to raise a child alone (I have one daughter). Just the other night, she wasnt going to bed and I raised my voice and she said "mommy, don't scream at me". I have never felt so sad (and angry) because sometimes I feel if I had someone to help when my patience was low maybe it would be better for her.

Keep doing what you are doing.

I understand when you feel like everything hits you at once, but as the old 'adage' goes - life/God/your HP doesn't give you what you can not handle.

On the school pickup question - I agree. Do you have sole custody? I haven't read all of your posts so don't know all of the background.

Just adding my applause, support and a bucket of hugs to you young mothers here, who are doing it all alone.

It won't be crazy forever, and your kids are so very blessed to have good mamas like you.

One day at a time, that applied to motherhood just as much as anything else.

Hugs to the mamas. :grouphug:

Hey I just got back from chaperoning my son's field trip to the zoo. My head and feet are killing me and I am totally exhausted, but I had such a wonderful time with my son. And the look on his face just seeing me there is worth millions of aches! Can't wait to do the same for my two girls!
In answer to your question itsanewday2011, no I do not have full custody. Honestly I haven't been able to face that part yet.
I have to share though that I have had this nagging fear that I am going to learn something. I keep expecting to hear awful news. I can't help it. My AH mother wires money to his bank card so he can continue to do his therapy. Which I am not even positive he is still doing since I haven't heard from him in over a week. The longer I don't hear from him the easier it is to enter this little happy bubble world with my kids. But I have a bad feeling that something will try to pop it soon.

It can only be popped if you allow it to be. You say how much you're enjoying life with just you and the kids.. It can stay that way! This could be your life. You could feel happy inside your bubble forever, your life can be ANYTHING you want :)