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I just can't take it anymore

Old 04-09-2012, 06:29 PM
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I just can't take it anymore

the Addict in my life has me exasperated and I feel guilty and helpless. I just don't understand why someone who is so physically ill and in pain will not seek proper treatment and figures that there is no help for him - even cancer patients I know will go to doctor's and get home health care but he will not. He says he has sepsis which is very serious and it says so on his disability form and he says he got blood tests done 5 weeks ago but I don't believe it. He can't even make it to the doctor or to the lab and then back to the doctor for the results unless I drive him or someone in his building drives him. He is always in pain or sleeping and when he wakes up he calls me and he always wants money for "painkiller" aka booze and crack. he is on methadone, and a lot of it but he says it doesn't work for pain.

He won't go to the pain clinic with me though I have offered, and his methadone doc has recommended, he won't go to the infectious disease specialist at the hospital because we went once already and they ordered him to have nursing home care for 30 days so they could assess the situation and bandage and treat his wounds properly but he would not allow it TWICE!!!!! Twice he has home care ordered for him but he won't allow the nurses to come in===this has been ordered for him by doctors. I can't take it anymore!!!! I pray and I pray and I pray and make sure he's got food, rent etc and do his laundry but I can't take it anymore. He is eligible for home care, for people to do this for him, but he won't allow it or the "humiliation". He calls me he's in pain in pain in pain I try to get him out to change his mind to cheer him up but he's in to much pain. This is so sad but yet when he has money and crack and booze he's not in pain and going to casino etc. They actually kicked him out of the casino a week ago, and he blew all the rent money!!!!! Without crack and booze he can't get out out of bed or do anything. I just can't take this like I said. I keep hanging up the phone I try to be nice but it always ends up horrible and I honestly want my life back but I feel to selfish. he says doctors can't help his condition, and there is no help and he is going to die from it and home care can't do anything etc etc. The only thing that works is his "painkiller" aka crack and alcohol. I give up. I might have to walk away. I mean it. I want my life back. I wish I could help him but I just want my freaking life back. I can't help him I want to but maybe he is right maybe there is no help for him. I don't want to be mad but I just have to hang up when this conversation goes no where and the only answer for him is drugs and booze, on my dime. I know it's selfish to think of money and finance for someone who is so sick but I just can't take it anymore. Maybe it's not just crack and alcohol he wants but it always seems to be because none of the other suggestions I have he will take.

Last edited by faithfully; 04-09-2012 at 06:33 PM. Reason: missed a word
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Old 04-09-2012, 06:38 PM
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you did not say who this is but it does not really matter. what matters is he has some one he can control & make them help keep him high. him being high is not going to help with the cure. he needs medical treatment & not drugs. i bet if you quit he would get it. it is not your responsiblily to help him. you say u are tired of it but u keep doing it. i hope he gets the help he really needs.prayers going up for him & you. i know it is hard to see someone we love suffer as he is.
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Old 04-09-2012, 06:40 PM
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That is a good image about the life preserver, Anvilhead,

He doesn't have to go far for booze and crack (downstairs). And he gets a ride from some guy in his building to the casino. That being said he seems to be able to hobble around across the street and around the casino if he's got his "painkiller", he also manages to walk a bit even maybe a block away when he's got his stuff to help with his "pain".
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Old 04-09-2012, 07:37 PM
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He's living his life as he see fits. That's his choice even when it makes no sense.

Giving him your money and attention is your choice even when it make no sense.


The more we try to control other people to align them with our own hopeful fantasies of how they should live their lives, the less inclined we are to take control of our own lives. It's circular and nothing changes unless we change.
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Old 04-10-2012, 12:21 AM
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It is very difficult to see him suffer like this as I wish there was help for him. Went to an alanon meeting and that was helpful I know my reactions are in my control and I know I have no control over his illness. I just can't stand to see him in pain suffering. all I can do is try to be a friend.
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Old 04-10-2012, 04:31 AM
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I just can't stand to see him in pain suffering. all I can do is try to be a friend.
He doesn't want a 'friend.' He WANTS an enabler (which you have been). Time to step back, way back, don't answer his calls, and watch for the next month to see what happens....... he will find others to 'enable' him, or he will finally get help.

All he 'wants' from you is MONEY to get his dope and booze.

Please get to some more meetings, keep posting here, and discuss all this IN DEPTH with your counselor.

Love and hugs,
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Old 04-10-2012, 07:16 AM
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Originally Posted by faithfully View Post
I pray and I pray and I pray and make sure he's got food, rent etc and do his laundry...
Why would he change? The current setup works nicely for him.

It is possible to love an addict to death. I've seen it firsthand.
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Old 04-10-2012, 07:41 AM
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Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I love the Serenity Prayer. It is my constant companion and those three simple lines provide so much guidance for me.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.....I know that I cannot change the addict. The courage to change the things I can.....it takes a LOT of courage to stop enabling another persons addiction.......and the wisdom to know the difference....the wisdom to understand what I do have control over (me) and what I don't (him).

Our greatest fear is that they will die if we stop doing what we do. Letting go of the fear can set me free and can also set the addict in my life free to live (or die) his way. Believe it or not I find a lot of serenity in that thought.

Think about it.....do you think your friend just might get the help he really needs if others stopped giving him the kind of help he wants

You and your friend will be in my prayers.

gentle hugs
ke
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Old 04-10-2012, 09:15 AM
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Originally Posted by faithfully View Post
I just can't stand to see him in pain suffering.
A few years ago I was in emotional pain and allowed my tears to fall. I was in an airport bathroom, waiting for my flight home to see my daughter in the trauma unit after a horrible accident. It was something I needed to do for myself to release the intense agony I felt.

A well meaning lady came over to me and said she couldn't stand to see me in pain. I snapped at her so fast, the words just flew out of my mouth, "THEN STOP LOOKING!"
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Old 04-10-2012, 11:07 AM
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Thanks everyone, I am reading alanon literature and somehow it's finally getting through to me that I'm doing everything wrong with regards to his illness.
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Old 04-10-2012, 11:53 AM
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faithfully, I'm glad you've chosen to read the literature. I wondered about you the other day after reading a post. I didn't remember your name, but that post had me remembering your story. There's a new sticky at the top of this forum, about how our brain changes when we stay engaged in the insanity.

In hindsight, watching and engaging with my daughter when she was active, was like watching the same horror movie over and over again. I couldn't change the outcome so I had to be hooked on the horror, the adrenaline rush.
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Old 04-10-2012, 02:12 PM
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faithfully,

You are getting excellent advice here so not much I can add overall but something Laurie posted gave me an idea.

Perhaps you could just take a first step at removing yourself from this situation. Commit to removing yourself and support for one month.....see what happens and then re-assess. Give him the opportunity to make some decisions and take action for himself. And...more importantly give yourself a break and time to understand better what you need to do to help you!

I think if you can create some distance for yourself you may be surprised at the positive results all around.
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Old 04-10-2012, 03:04 PM
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No offense, but this might just be one of the craziest posts I have ever seen? Are you serious? Why on earth would you give this man rent money, do his laundry, cook for him all the while he complains, refuses professional help, and blows the rent at a casino!? You want your life back??? I would say so! Good Lord! He is USING you like an old rag......and I promise that's about how much respect he is showing for you too! I don't mean to sound harsh, but this is ridiculous! Run for the hills, honey! He will figure it out. You only get ONE chance to live this life....why on earth would you waste it being abused by a crackhead? Who doesn't even treat you with respect??
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Old 04-10-2012, 03:36 PM
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Everytime I stepped inbetween my son and the consequences of the behavior - I robbed him of the experiences he desparately needed in order to want to change.

It was hard to let go and wonder how he was managing but after awhile when _ I _ finally saw how I was making his continued drug use easier- I didn't want that on my conscience.

I can compare it to trying to keep someone from putting their hand into a flaming fire- but they keep trying because they never feel the heat. What happened when I was not there to 'save' or 'fix' is exactly what he needed and more importantly...what - I - needed to stay safe & sane.

His behavior kept repeating and he 'got away with it' time after time-usually because someone would step in and clean up his mess or otherwise make his life of using easier/possible.



Things had to become much worse for him before he was ready to stop. I had to stop getting in the way.

Sooner or later he was headed for: death, hospitalization or an institution.

I'm happy to say that going to jail (no more bailing out from mom & dad) was what it took. He's been clean for 6 years- after using for 10 years, with some brief moments of recovery inbetween.

I hope you will continue to come here and also attend as many Alanon meetings as you are able.

Another thing that helped me was to attend some open NA and AA meetings on my own. Listening to their stories shared there taught me alot.
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Old 04-10-2012, 03:38 PM
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double post!
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Old 04-10-2012, 05:13 PM
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I am in NA. I let him fall on his own in 2007 where he ended up in a hospital with 1/3 of his body skin graphed by some doctor who said he had flesh eating disease, I think they used him as an experiment. Then he ended up on the street for months, then finally wound up in a shelter, where they are notorious for bed bugs (great with open wounds I am sure you can imagine, or maybe you can't). The man will die left on the street he cannot walk for more than one block, has open wounds and has limited use of his leg and arm. He simply cannot be on the street and no rehab will take him. Period. What I am currently endeavouring to do is bring him food and do laundry that is all. Next month he will have to pay his own rent. I saw his place today and it is a complete disaster, which is NOT good for his open wounds. There are bed bugs in the building he is in and the toilet doesn't work. Be that as it may I am TRYING to detach myself by not giving him money anymore. I realize some people here think I am really messed up, thanks gurlie214, for your sympathetic post, for someone whose footnote is scripture, I do question your lack of compassion however, even if he IS using me which admitedly he is, I do not want a repeat of what happened in 2007. Contrary to popular belief, letting him reach his bottom could spell death for him. He is disabled, sick, open wounds and limited use of arm and leg. If he were healthier I wouldn't help as much.

Last edited by faithfully; 04-10-2012 at 05:14 PM. Reason: left out word
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Old 04-10-2012, 05:22 PM
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Also I like the stick post and when I lived with him I was always in fight or flight but since being on my own for almost a year now, I have calmed down but now have eye problems due to grave's disease or hyperthyroidism. I do not like any stress at all and spend a lot of time by myself, in meetings in church and walking my dog in nature. I do not crave ANY stress at all and when I see him now it is simply to help him clean, drop off food and pick up laundry. I cannot be in his company as it stresses me out, I have some conversation ont he phone once in a while. I do NOT MISS the stress at all.
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Old 04-10-2012, 05:24 PM
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When I do have conversations with him, I hang up when it gets to a point I can't cope with. What I do fear is the next time he asks me for money. He told me he was contemplating suicide last week and I told him because he said that I will have to call 911 now to go and see him, he backtracked suddenly and said he didn't have the energy to go through with it. I AM trying to make boundaries.
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Old 04-10-2012, 05:34 PM
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The flip side is he blows his public assistance check on dope instead of paying his rent. He refuses social services and medical care. And instead, demands you give him money, bring him food, do hs laundry and clean his filthy place to the point that your own ability to work and your health is compromized.

Your misery/agony and exhaustion with this situation is palatable to even the most casual reader.

If you want to continue putting him before your own needs, that's your business. If so, can you take joy in any of it?
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Old 04-10-2012, 06:09 PM
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That is a good, pertinent questions outtolunch I will give that some thought as I realize whining and bitching is counterproductive.
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