Blogs


Notices

Do i or dont i

Old 04-09-2012, 05:51 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: dow, illinois
Posts: 71
Do i or dont i

My A/H texted me at midnight last night, said how can you not let me have my clothes, said hes sorry hes turned out to be a loser. Why cant he see what hes doing to himself and to us? How can a drug hes taking (meth) about a year, take the placeof 25 years of being with me? I hate it ,hate it.
jolinda is offline  
Old 04-09-2012, 06:16 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
He can't see what he's doing to you because he's focused on himself and his addiction.
I, personally, would let him have his stuff. I understand the need to hurt him like he's hurt you, but you will never 'win', nor force him to stop using. If you pack his clothes for him and leave them by the door ready for when he calls, it's one less thing for him to pester you over.
I really feel for you. I understand, and your pain is visible in your posts. I hope you get some peace soon xx
Windmills is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Windmills For This Useful Post:
Chino (04-09-2012), gurlie214 (04-09-2012), jolinda (04-09-2012), laurie6781 (04-09-2012), nytepassion (04-09-2012), ODAT63 (04-09-2012)
Old 04-09-2012, 06:41 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
 
dollydo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I would bag up his stuff and set it on the porch, let him know where it is and be done with it. Holding his clothes hostage serves no purpose, all it does is keep the lines of communication open, when no contact would be helpful to you and your recovery.
dollydo is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to dollydo For This Useful Post:
Chino (04-09-2012), jolinda (04-09-2012), laurie6781 (04-09-2012), ODAT63 (04-09-2012), Pock89 (04-09-2012), yez5 (04-09-2012)
Old 04-09-2012, 06:51 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
outtolunch's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
He's not using Meth at you. It's not personal. It just feels that way, right now.
Meth is a horrible drug.
outtolunch is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to outtolunch For This Useful Post:
Chino (04-09-2012), jolinda (04-09-2012), Pock89 (04-09-2012)
Old 04-09-2012, 06:59 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Just Keep Swimming
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 75
That is a hard pill to swallow...losing a 25 year relationship to meth. I'm sorry you're going through this. On the bright side it is admirable that it only took you a year to wise up. I have been dealing with my husband's addiction for over 12 years and, trust me, it doesnt't get any easier. I wish I had gotten out early. My only advice would be to know that he is not choosing meth over you. The disease of addiction is forcing him to go after the meth, at all costs. It has nothing to do with you. Addiction, from what I have experienced with my AH is like cancer or any other disease...it will keep destroying them unless they get treatment. I agonized for years over why my AH would choose cocaine over me and our kids, but I realize now that it is not a choice but a symptom of the addiction. I hope things get better for you. It sounds like you are making the right choices. Hanging onto the clothes is probably just a way for you to keep tabs on him, which I think is natural to want to do when you love someone. I do think you would have more peace in your life if you let him pick the clothes up as the others suggested. Good luck with everything!
GoldfishSyn is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to GoldfishSyn For This Useful Post:
jolinda (04-09-2012)
Old 04-09-2012, 07:41 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Kindeyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Blog Entries: 3
I often have to take a real hard look at myself to understand my own motivations. Anytime I want to "help" my son, I have to ask if I am really helping or am I trying to relieve my own discomfort. If I was holding on to his clothing, I would have to ask myself if I plan to wear them or am I simply trying to make his life more difficult.

Is there a useful purpose to holding on to his belongings? Don't feel that you have to answer this question on this forum or justify your actions. Answer it to yourself and deal with it accordingly.

gentle hugs
ke
Kindeyes is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Kindeyes For This Useful Post:
Chino (04-09-2012), jolinda (04-09-2012), MsPINKAcres (04-09-2012), NoelleR (04-09-2012), ODAT63 (04-09-2012), Windmills (04-09-2012)
Old 04-09-2012, 09:08 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Living in a Pinkful Place
 
MsPINKAcres's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
"Never let me imagine that my satisfaction with life depends on what someone else may do." ODAT in Al-Anon pg 234

If I wanted a different life, I had to do something different . . .it's not easy to change but it is possible . . . Remember YOU deserve to have peace, safety and sanity but ONLY you can give yourself that gift. . .keep working on your own recovery ~ ODAT

Wishing you the very best

PINK HUGS,
Rita
MsPINKAcres is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to MsPINKAcres For This Useful Post:
Chino (04-09-2012), jolinda (04-09-2012), ODAT63 (04-09-2012)
Old 04-09-2012, 09:51 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Engineer, Guitarist, Golfer
 
zoso77's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,381
Blog Entries: 5
Originally Posted by jolinda View Post
My A/H texted me at midnight last night, said how can you not let me have my clothes, said hes sorry hes turned out to be a loser. Why cant he see what hes doing to himself and to us? How can a drug hes taking (meth) about a year, take the placeof 25 years of being with me? I hate it ,hate it.
You're personalizing this. The fact that you've spent 25 years together simply doesn't matter. It could be 250 years, or 25 months, and he'd still be behaving the same way because he's in active addiction. And it doesn't matter if it's you, or someone else. His eyes, at this moment, are only looking in one direction, and that's inward.

said hes sorry hes turned out to be a loser.
And this is manipulation, whether you realize it or not. It's so transparent.

I know, from glancing at your posts, you're really struggling with all of this. And I understand why and I feel for you. But what you will eventually have to accept is a) so long as he is using, AND b) so long as he's not in recovery, he's lost.

I'm not going to tell you how to handle this. I can only share with you the wisdom I've gained through some very painful times. And I can tell you that so long as you continue to engage with him, you're going to be injured every time. And the only person that can put a stop to that is you.

ZoSo
zoso77 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to zoso77 For This Useful Post:
Chino (04-09-2012), EnglishGarden (04-09-2012), jolinda (04-09-2012)
Old 04-09-2012, 10:04 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: North West, England
Posts: 500
I'm not going to tell you how to handle this. I can only share with you the wisdom I've gained through some very painful times. And I can tell you that so long as you continue to engage with him, you're going to be injured every time. And the only person that can put a stop to that is you.
So so true. I understand the need to stay in contact and the desperation you're feeling. I know where you are, because I've been there too, we all have. I still revisit that place sometimes, and I left 6 months ago and we were 'only' together 3.5 years. What are your plans for going to meetings this week?
Windmills is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Windmills For This Useful Post:
Chino (04-09-2012), jolinda (04-09-2012), ODAT63 (04-09-2012)
Old 04-09-2012, 10:09 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
ODAT63's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Orem UT
Posts: 312
My story relates to your, when my AH left me in May of 2010 he was sober over a year by then, I was the one that had the health insurance for the family, when he left he wrote me a note saying that he will help me with the mortgage payments for few months, so in June 2010 (he went no contact), I tried and tried to get him to help me with the payment as he said in his note, well he did not, however, I knew he needed his lunesta refill so I ordered and then I pick it up and paid for it in an attempt to have him contact me asking me for his pills, well instead I had the police call me, he (sober) AH had place a police report that I had taken his prescription pills and the police had to interrogate me, I never had even a parking ticket, so I was devastated, that the man I was married to for 16 years will try to harm me that way, after all I just took his pills hostage for communication as ramsom.
He tried to hurt me the worst when sober that he ever did drunk, my lesson from this experience is....do what is right for you, think of the consequences, and never think that an Alcoholic will play fair.
He is out of my life today, for almost two years now, I still have a hard time with trust, but I did it to myself, if I never would of taken HIS pills as hostage, he would of never had an excuse to hurt me, after all is all about who I am and NOT about how much I am hurt.
ODAT63 is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to ODAT63 For This Useful Post:
Chino (04-09-2012), jolinda (04-09-2012), Leise (04-09-2012), MsPINKAcres (04-09-2012)
Old 04-09-2012, 11:03 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 134
Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
He's not using Meth at you. It's not personal.
Wise words.

As others have said on here, by holding his things hostage, you are just keeping the lines of communication open. I know it's a scary concept to completely cut all lines of communication. However, if you want to make a clean break from your husband and the chaos he is creating for himself, you'll have to do everything in your power to separate yourself from him. I think boxing up his things and leaving them in a designated area is best. Allow him to pick them up when he has the time, and be done with it.
You have to remember that your husband is sick and suffering from a disease. Addiction makes good people do bad things. And his addiction has NOTHING to do with you. It's his disease, his fight, and he'll need to find his way to recovery on his terms, on his own time. Nothing you can say, do, hold hostage, bribe, negotiate, or threaten, will do any good. All you will do is hurt yourself.

Wishing you nothing but the best. You're doing a great job posting, asking the right questions, and seeking advice and support from others. Keep it up!
Pock89 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Pock89 For This Useful Post:
jolinda (04-09-2012), MsPINKAcres (04-09-2012), ODAT63 (04-09-2012)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:47 AM.