jolinda

My A/H texted me at midnight last night, said how can you not let me have my clothes, said hes sorry hes turned out to be a loser. Why cant he see what hes doing to himself and to us? How can a drug hes taking (meth) about a year, take the placeof 25 years of being with me? I hate it ,hate it.

Windmills

He can't see what he's doing to you because he's focused on himself and his addiction.
I, personally, would let him have his stuff. I understand the need to hurt him like he's hurt you, but you will never 'win', nor force him to stop using. If you pack his clothes for him and leave them by the door ready for when he calls, it's one less thing for him to pester you over.
I really feel for you. I understand, and your pain is visible in your posts. I hope you get some peace soon xx

dollydo

I would bag up his stuff and set it on the porch, let him know where it is and be done with it. Holding his clothes hostage serves no purpose, all it does is keep the lines of communication open, when no contact would be helpful to you and your recovery.

outtolunch

He's not using Meth at you. It's not personal. It just feels that way, right now.
Meth is a horrible drug.

GoldfishSyn

That is a hard pill to swallow...losing a 25 year relationship to meth. I'm sorry you're going through this. On the bright side it is admirable that it only took you a year to wise up. I have been dealing with my husband's addiction for over 12 years and, trust me, it doesnt't get any easier. I wish I had gotten out early. My only advice would be to know that he is not choosing meth over you. The disease of addiction is forcing him to go after the meth, at all costs. It has nothing to do with you. Addiction, from what I have experienced with my AH is like cancer or any other disease...it will keep destroying them unless they get treatment. I agonized for years over why my AH would choose cocaine over me and our kids, but I realize now that it is not a choice but a symptom of the addiction. I hope things get better for you. It sounds like you are making the right choices. Hanging onto the clothes is probably just a way for you to keep tabs on him, which I think is natural to want to do when you love someone. I do think you would have more peace in your life if you let him pick the clothes up as the others suggested. Good luck with everything!

Kindeyes

I often have to take a real hard look at myself to understand my own motivations. Anytime I want to "help" my son, I have to ask if I am really helping or am I trying to relieve my own discomfort. If I was holding on to his clothing, I would have to ask myself if I plan to wear them or am I simply trying to make his life more difficult.

Is there a useful purpose to holding on to his belongings? Don't feel that you have to answer this question on this forum or justify your actions. Answer it to yourself and deal with it accordingly.

gentle hugs
ke

MsPINKAcres

"Never let me imagine that my satisfaction with life depends on what someone else may do." ODAT in Al-Anon pg 234

If I wanted a different life, I had to do something different . . .it's not easy to change but it is possible . . . Remember YOU deserve to have peace, safety and sanity but ONLY you can give yourself that gift. . .keep working on your own recovery ~ ODAT

Wishing you the very best

PINK HUGS,
Rita

zoso77

You're personalizing this. The fact that you've spent 25 years together simply doesn't matter. It could be 250 years, or 25 months, and he'd still be behaving the same way because he's in active addiction. And it doesn't matter if it's you, or someone else. His eyes, at this moment, are only looking in one direction, and that's inward.

And this is manipulation, whether you realize it or not. It's so transparent.

I know, from glancing at your posts, you're really struggling with all of this. And I understand why and I feel for you. But what you will eventually have to accept is a) so long as he is using, AND b) so long as he's not in recovery, he's lost.

I'm not going to tell you how to handle this. I can only share with you the wisdom I've gained through some very painful times. And I can tell you that so long as you continue to engage with him, you're going to be injured every time. And the only person that can put a stop to that is you.

ZoSo

Windmills

So so true. I understand the need to stay in contact and the desperation you're feeling. I know where you are, because I've been there too, we all have. I still revisit that place sometimes, and I left 6 months ago and we were 'only' together 3.5 years. What are your plans for going to meetings this week?

ODAT63

My story relates to your, when my AH left me in May of 2010 he was sober over a year by then, I was the one that had the health insurance for the family, when he left he wrote me a note saying that he will help me with the mortgage payments for few months, so in June 2010 (he went no contact), I tried and tried to get him to help me with the payment as he said in his note, well he did not, however, I knew he needed his lunesta refill so I ordered and then I pick it up and paid for it in an attempt to have him contact me asking me for his pills, well instead I had the police call me, he (sober) AH had place a police report that I had taken his prescription pills and the police had to interrogate me, I never had even a parking ticket, so I was devastated, that the man I was married to for 16 years will try to harm me that way, after all I just took his pills hostage for communication as ramsom.
He tried to hurt me the worst when sober that he ever did drunk, my lesson from this experience is....do what is right for you, think of the consequences, and never think that an Alcoholic will play fair.
He is out of my life today, for almost two years now, I still have a hard time with trust, but I did it to myself, if I never would of taken HIS pills as hostage, he would of never had an excuse to hurt me, after all is all about who I am and NOT about how much I am hurt.

Pock89

Wise words.

As others have said on here, by holding his things hostage, you are just keeping the lines of communication open. I know it's a scary concept to completely cut all lines of communication. However, if you want to make a clean break from your husband and the chaos he is creating for himself, you'll have to do everything in your power to separate yourself from him. I think boxing up his things and leaving them in a designated area is best. Allow him to pick them up when he has the time, and be done with it.
You have to remember that your husband is sick and suffering from a disease. Addiction makes good people do bad things. And his addiction has NOTHING to do with you. It's his disease, his fight, and he'll need to find his way to recovery on his terms, on his own time. Nothing you can say, do, hold hostage, bribe, negotiate, or threaten, will do any good. All you will do is hurt yourself.

Wishing you nothing but the best. You're doing a great job posting, asking the right questions, and seeking advice and support from others. Keep it up!