Fruuuuuuuustrated
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 5
Fruuuuuuuustrated
I am new to this forum but (unfortunately) not new to the world of having an active addict (brother) in the family (and I myself am in recovery too). I feel as if I have a constant dark cloud over me, that none of my happy moments can ever be truly happy as the minute i start feeling good I am immediately reminded of my brothers problems and no longer feel joy.
I am having a hard time believing any of this is going to get better. My brother is enabled by my parents who cannot see the error of their ways, and are totally flabbergasted that despite their "efforts" nothing ever seems to change with him. I have been to enough NA, AA, Al-anon meetings, therapy, discussions with other addicts etc to know that at I need to let it go and detach with love but what i need to know is HOW. HOW do you detach when you feel like a little bit of your heart is breaking every day watching someone you love suffer?
The other side of this is the anger - - i have 2 extremely strong yet conflicting emotions going at full force all day - i am not sure if i want to hug him or punch him at any given moment. I don't know how people detach - I imagine if parents can do it with their children it must be possible for even very close siblings, but how?
his addiction is not only ruining his life but mine and my parents as well. the worst part is, i know we are choosing to go down with the ship but i just cant seem to find the way off
I am having a hard time believing any of this is going to get better. My brother is enabled by my parents who cannot see the error of their ways, and are totally flabbergasted that despite their "efforts" nothing ever seems to change with him. I have been to enough NA, AA, Al-anon meetings, therapy, discussions with other addicts etc to know that at I need to let it go and detach with love but what i need to know is HOW. HOW do you detach when you feel like a little bit of your heart is breaking every day watching someone you love suffer?
The other side of this is the anger - - i have 2 extremely strong yet conflicting emotions going at full force all day - i am not sure if i want to hug him or punch him at any given moment. I don't know how people detach - I imagine if parents can do it with their children it must be possible for even very close siblings, but how?
his addiction is not only ruining his life but mine and my parents as well. the worst part is, i know we are choosing to go down with the ship but i just cant seem to find the way off
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 12
Hi, I just posted something very similar! (See my post: how do I set boundaries with an addict?) I don't know how to do this either. It's so heart wrenching, and it just feels wrong to turn your back. I am going through this same thing with my own brother. What does he use?
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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Hey was just reading your post ..
sorry to hear you are going thru the same misery
sounds like my bro is on the same type of thing as yours
My plan right now is that i have set a boundary and i as scary as it is i am going to keep it- I finally told him that i cannot talk to him until he is ready to take recovery seriously and will not talk to him until then. That means not joingin my family for the upcoming holidays, and potentially not inviting him to my wedding. I really just don't know what else to do and I have found that he does not respond to words so I have to take an action. My action is not having him in my life when he is in this state. I don't love this plan but i really havent got a better one and I am at my wits end
sorry to hear you are going thru the same misery
sounds like my bro is on the same type of thing as yours
My plan right now is that i have set a boundary and i as scary as it is i am going to keep it- I finally told him that i cannot talk to him until he is ready to take recovery seriously and will not talk to him until then. That means not joingin my family for the upcoming holidays, and potentially not inviting him to my wedding. I really just don't know what else to do and I have found that he does not respond to words so I have to take an action. My action is not having him in my life when he is in this state. I don't love this plan but i really havent got a better one and I am at my wits end
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 12
I think that is the best plan of action. Your instincts are right on. It just feels awful, doesn't it. 
I'm so sorry that you are going through this, too. It is so hard to be the one who has to draw the line.
How did he react when you told him?
I'm so sorry that you are going through this, too. It is so hard to be the one who has to draw the line.How did he react when you told him?
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(((aabbcc)))
I can only share with you my own experience.
It took me years to feel comfortable with detaching from my son. If it was as easy as taking advice it would have taken a few days. I didn't believe that what I was being told could possibly be the right thing to do.
I had to be ready before I could feel comfortable with what turned out to be just what others were saying...stop enmeshing myself in his problems/struggles.
I still love my son as much as I ever have. I just don't live daily in his world, his failures or his successes. They are his to own.
If we don't believe they can do it, how can they believe, ya know?
I can only share with you my own experience.
It took me years to feel comfortable with detaching from my son. If it was as easy as taking advice it would have taken a few days. I didn't believe that what I was being told could possibly be the right thing to do.
I had to be ready before I could feel comfortable with what turned out to be just what others were saying...stop enmeshing myself in his problems/struggles.
I still love my son as much as I ever have. I just don't live daily in his world, his failures or his successes. They are his to own.
If we don't believe they can do it, how can they believe, ya know?
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Surrey
Posts: 135
I totally relate to being angry and then feeling sad all within the same breath practically it is very confusing. Detaching is not an easy thing. Setting boundaries is tough to, I think you have to set boundaries you know you're going to stick with. I am still working on sticking to a boundary, darn I keep not sticking to it. I have to detach and I had to move away from my AH to get away from the insanity, it was dangerous to me and now after years of putting up with active addiction my health too is suffering. At some point it becomes a choice, him or me. The other thing is the boundaries, if adhered to by everyone in the family, can be the thing that actually helps the addict reach their bottom and change things. By continuing to enable, we keep them suffering and ourselves suffering to. Can you and your family get united on this?
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Surrey
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aabbcc, I should have welcomed you to this forum first so WELCOME! You will find a lot of caring people who can share their experience, strength and hope with you, There are also good reading posts Stickys that are quite helpful at the top of the page.:ghug3
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Welcome to SR. I hope you find some insights from others here. There is a lot of collective wisdom and experience on this forum.
Detaching from my AS has been a process. It has come to me in fits and starts not in a smooth progression. It has taken me a very long time to embrace the fact that I am powerless over my AS. But that was my first step toward detachment. I can't change him.
Accepting that there are other much more powerful influences over him than me was another part of my detachment. A chance meeting with someone. A negative consequence. Almost anything has more influence over him than I do. That was my second step toward detachment.
Recognizing my lack of influence, I have chosen to allow the world to guide him. There are more lessons there and I pray that he survives them.
It has not been an easy road.....nor has it been achieved through shortcuts. For me, detachment was a long arduous process. And it's something that requires maintenance on my part. For me that has meant limiting my contact (currently no contact) with him. That doesn't have to be forever.....but for now I know that it's best for me and I'm ok with that. I love him and always will. His addiction can't change that.
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with the heartache of addiction with your brother. You can choose to stop or reduce your suffering when you're ready.
gentle hugs
ke
Detaching from my AS has been a process. It has come to me in fits and starts not in a smooth progression. It has taken me a very long time to embrace the fact that I am powerless over my AS. But that was my first step toward detachment. I can't change him.
Accepting that there are other much more powerful influences over him than me was another part of my detachment. A chance meeting with someone. A negative consequence. Almost anything has more influence over him than I do. That was my second step toward detachment.
Recognizing my lack of influence, I have chosen to allow the world to guide him. There are more lessons there and I pray that he survives them.
It has not been an easy road.....nor has it been achieved through shortcuts. For me, detachment was a long arduous process. And it's something that requires maintenance on my part. For me that has meant limiting my contact (currently no contact) with him. That doesn't have to be forever.....but for now I know that it's best for me and I'm ok with that. I love him and always will. His addiction can't change that.
I'm so sorry that you are dealing with the heartache of addiction with your brother. You can choose to stop or reduce your suffering when you're ready.
gentle hugs
ke
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 5
Thank you all for this. Its both good and bad to know I am not the only one who is going through this nightmare. I just feel so helpless bec while I can do ok with sticking to a boundary, my parents (my bro is 30, so not a child) initially make great boundaries - no money, no car, do doing his laundry (YES THEY STILL DO HIS LAUNDRY), make him chip in for groceries yet are completely unable to even stick to what I perceive to be the easiest of these.. aka not doing laundry for a fully capable grown man who has NO Job therefore all the time in the world to do his own freaking laundry!
I talk to them about enabling until I am blue in the face, as does my brothers therapist, but to no avail. Part of me knows I need to shut up, work on MY program, stay out of it it blah blah blah but its so hard to watch them hurt him in an attempt to help
I talk to them about enabling until I am blue in the face, as does my brothers therapist, but to no avail. Part of me knows I need to shut up, work on MY program, stay out of it it blah blah blah but its so hard to watch them hurt him in an attempt to help
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
More of my story that you may relate better to......
My daughter detached from my son long before I did. It ticked me off. I thought she was being uncaring and mean spirited (because that's the way a talented enabler thinks). Then I felt her begin to detach FROM ME! She was sick and tired of having a front row seat to my enabling and the suffering it caused me.....suffering that I shared so freely with her.
My daughter and my husband began pulling away from me. I wasn't prepared to gamble my good healthy relationships with them for the obviously unhealthy relationship with my son.
One truth that is stated here often but is often not taken to heart is......take care of you first. Believe me.....your detachment may demonstrate to your parents how to do it. And they won't stop loving you.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
gentle hugs
ke
My daughter detached from my son long before I did. It ticked me off. I thought she was being uncaring and mean spirited (because that's the way a talented enabler thinks). Then I felt her begin to detach FROM ME! She was sick and tired of having a front row seat to my enabling and the suffering it caused me.....suffering that I shared so freely with her.
My daughter and my husband began pulling away from me. I wasn't prepared to gamble my good healthy relationships with them for the obviously unhealthy relationship with my son.
One truth that is stated here often but is often not taken to heart is......take care of you first. Believe me.....your detachment may demonstrate to your parents how to do it. And they won't stop loving you.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
gentle hugs
ke
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