GoldfishSyn

My husband is a cocaine addict. He has been lying to and manipulating me for years. He has even stolen from me. We keep going through the same cycle - I tell him it's over, he comes up with a "heartfelt" apology, we proceed as if life is "normal" for a day or two, he goes back to using and disappearing, I tell him it's over, and the cycle continues. I really just want it to stop. I want him to leave. Mostly, I want him to get sober, but he either refuses to get help or agrees to but never does. So I want him to leave, but he refuses. I have given him timeframes, deadlines, etc. but he always asks for "one more month". I really don't want to get nasty, but I don't know how else to make him leave. I support him financially and, although he works, he has no savings. He keeps saying that he needs more time to save money for an apartment, but I know that I could give him until 2099 and he would not be able to save a dollar. I don't know how to get him out. I don't want to go through the drama of changing the locks. We have 2 children, and he is not beyond pounding on the door and telling them to let him in. I don't want to be in a situation where he could put them in the middle.

For years I thought that I couldn't kick him out because I still loved him. I now realize that I can love him and not want to live with him. He does not use at the house, but he makes life very inconsistent for our children. Our "normal" is when he is not home. Of the 1-2 days per week that he is home, he is either catching up on sleep or is out of money and agitated that he is not able to use. When he is agitated he is very short-tempered with the kids (and me). I just don't want him there anymore.

How do I make him leave?

cc88

Go to the police department and say he is a drug addict, no longer welcome in your home, he refuses to leave, and you'd like him removed from the house and to file a restraining order.

BUT

Its not even worth it if you arent going to call the police when he comes by and knocks on the door again. Itl be like every other deadline you gave that came and went. If you are serious about it you need to decide for sure and then follow through. Addicts are like children in a lot of ways, one of which is that they can always call the bluff of someone who doesnt mean what they say. That may mean you'll be calling the police on him multiple times.

P.S. its very unlikely that he ACTUALLY isn't using in your house.

just my humble opinion.

KelleyF

What I'm reading is that you love him but just can't tolerate his behavior. I'm not sensing that you want to cause him harm; you just want calm in your home.

If you have explained the situation to him; how it effects the kids... and this still doesn't get through to him.... I suggest you consider a legal separation.
You could arrange his leaving your home through official mediation.

Might be enough to make him realize he is going to lose you unless he makes changes.

Worst case scenario - you are setting the groundwork for a divorce. It will give you time to figure it all out.*

outtolunch

That's a milestone and I can appreciate what it took to get to this point.
Addicts are not competent to parent.

Please consult with an attorney.

Taking5

Does he own the house? or is it a marital asset or jointly owned? Or if you rent, is he on the lease?

If any of these are the case, you cannot just kick him out, he has a right to be there. You need legal advice at this point. The rest of the advice on this thread is very good as well.

GoldfishSyn

Thanks everyone! Fortunately, we only rent and the lease is only in my name. However, I have gotten some informal legal advice, and it sounds like it is pretty difficult to get someone to leave legally in PA even when they are not on the lease and especially when you are married. I actually am planning on buying a house and moving this summer. He is aware of this, and I have been telling him for the past 6 months that I will be moving on my own. So I may just wait until that time to officially separate. I just think it is going to be really hard to leave him with 'nowhere to go'. I know, I know...if someone had been telling me I needed to vacate for 6+ months and I didn't figure out somewhere to go it would be my own fault, right? But that doesn't help me sleep at night. I really do still love him, and I always will regardless of whether he ever gets sober. I don't want to have to go to the police, but I really do want him to leave and he is obviously not taking me seriously. Our finances are completely separate. A small portion of his pay gets directly deposited to my account to help with the bills, but he periodically lowers the amount to support his habit. At this point I don't think I'm ready for "the D word". I just want to take it one thing at a time and get him out of the house. Worse case scenario I will wait until summer and move without him, but I worry that if I can't get him out of the house now then how am I going to pull off moving without him?? I'm sure these questions will all be answered in time. Thank you everyone for your advice. I am new to this site, and it helps to learn from others who may have been in similar situations.

jolinda

I told my A/H to put on the boxing gloves we were going to fight .He said , thats crazy, i said ,yes i am..... u made me this way. Hes gone. lol. seriously its true.

faithfully

I have been in this situation a couple times with my ACLH. There were several ways I got out, a different way each time. I don't have kids but had 2 dogs. One way is to move everything out into storage space, bit by bit until the end so he doesn't really notice, that way the final day of the move can be really quick. Try to make sure that on that day there are several people there. You can also have the police show up on that day if you think it would be trouble. In your case you could have the kids be somewhere else when you do the final move. I have done it and had to do it secretly this way once. The other time I told him months in advance I was leaving and he had to find another place. He wouldn't pack up his stuff. He knew the place was re-rented for the end of the month but he still didn't move. This happened twice (I know I'm not so bright). One time I left him there after I moved, and had to have someone I know take him to a recovery house. Another time, he managed to get the damage deposit off the landlord after I moved. The final time, I moved everything and then moved him into a hotel room.

Just whatever you do make sure the kids and you are safe.

faithfully

Man after I read my post, I can't believe how many times I've done this, and was and am still contemplating moving in with him again. Can someone PLEASE give me some intelligence? Good luck Goldfishsyn, I highly double anyone could be as ridiculous as me, and do this time and time again. I would say, that once he moves out, don't move in with him until he has a year clean.

wicked

faithfully,

You have intelligence, obviously you learned something everytime, and you had some good advice for Goldfishsyn.

jolinda,

I just pictured you, standing there with the gloves on, ready to box it out!

And, it worked!
:ghug3

Ann

I think it's good you are making a plan and checking your legal rights. Preparing to leave carefully, will help you do it in the end. Often leaving is just closing the door on a room that is already empty (emotionally).

Just know that the time of leaving is a very dangerous time for a woman and it may be good to have someone with you who can help you if he gets violent. Your plan to move sounds solid, just make sure to protect your new place as well.

Good luck and hugs.

krhea75

Take it from a momma who has had to leave her kid without a place to live: he will figure it out. He has artfully manipulated you for a while. He can survive. Think about those kids and yourself instead of worrying about him.

ZombieWife

Please don't forget how resourceful drug addicts are. He has a job. He'll need to put his big boy underpants on and decide which is more important: putting his money toward rent and other necessities, or, putting his money toward drugs.

The longer you let him stay, the longer you support him in any way financially, the longer you give him a roof over his head so he can live high on the hog (pun intended), the more you are teaching him that it's perfectly okay for him to do what he's doing. You're reinforcing bad behavior. He's counting on that. He's relying on that.

gurlie214

My husband certainly was. I had NO IDEA he primarily did it in our home towards the end (before he went to rehab 2 months ago). When he told me that, I was flabbergasted! How in the world did I not know? I just thought he was drinking a little more than normal to "take the edge off" because work was very stressful. I knew he never seemed to sleep alot, but for some crazy reason, I didn't put 2 and 2 together. I also just wanted to mention that I completely relate to what OP said about him being agitated and sleeping it off every couple of days or so. We lived this way for years and I honestly just thought he was a stressed out jerk!!