Ok, So what happened with Daddio ?
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Join Date: Nov 2007
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I think Jason put in words many things that I was feeling.
Regarding hair testing, I have no idea as to the accuracy. I think that it is used in those over-the-counter tests, and some workplaces use it. Like anything else, it could be faked (using someone else's hair--changing the results on a report). I guess it depends on how strictly the testing center is. That's just my guess.
I keep wondering more about you. You mentioned that it would be o.k. if bf had a powerful job, or just beachcombed. What do you want? Where do you want to live? Where do you see your life in 5 years? 10 years? What are things that you like to do that are just for you? Congrats on finishing your MBA soon!! What do you want to do when you graduate? Regarding the trip that his father paid for--what kind of trip would you like to take? What would be a good vacation for you?
Regarding hair testing, I have no idea as to the accuracy. I think that it is used in those over-the-counter tests, and some workplaces use it. Like anything else, it could be faked (using someone else's hair--changing the results on a report). I guess it depends on how strictly the testing center is. That's just my guess.
I keep wondering more about you. You mentioned that it would be o.k. if bf had a powerful job, or just beachcombed. What do you want? Where do you want to live? Where do you see your life in 5 years? 10 years? What are things that you like to do that are just for you? Congrats on finishing your MBA soon!! What do you want to do when you graduate? Regarding the trip that his father paid for--what kind of trip would you like to take? What would be a good vacation for you?
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Hair testing, my thoughts…
In 3 months a lot could happen. He could have a lapse/relapse, use, it should show, but by the time it shows he could have gotten himself together, be in a better place than he was before. But then that test date will roll around and the reactions will come if using shows (especially since no one is working on themselves) and right there is part of the problem. And it won’t matter if he fesses up before hand or not, the reactions will still come.
If you have to drug test to trust, test to love, or test to pacify something in you, or to make sure they are following whatever rules were made up along the way … then you need help.
Drug testing done by a company,by a doctor requiring it ( not because of family wanting it ) by a rehab, by law enforcement, by court systems are one thing…
Drug testing by family is usually something warped, sick and twisted … with control, fear and unhealthy motives running the show.
Kelly have you created some bottom line for yourself of what you can‘t live with, won‘t live with, where you won‘t compromise yourself… although I would be more concerned with how you felt before the fact. Were cheating and payoffs something you would ever see yourself making normal, justifying as ok to tolerate? Is he responsible for his actions or is the drug the blame…The drug sex connection and that is not just with cocaine…actually it should be the person drug connection, who we are draws us to certain drugs more than others.
Have you compromised yourself, what do you feel? Will you again? Will there be the next bad behavior that is tolerated and acceptable? This is where you should be, examining your motives, if you are compromising yourself, finding where your bottom line is, what you want and need from this life and how and if he fits into that. I don’t care if you leave or stay, that is on you, but you don’t seem to get the reality of this and how much you are part of his problem now …
And the hope, well that lies in what people will do for themselves…happy endings are always found in the time one gives to themselves no matter which side of the fence they sit on.
In 3 months a lot could happen. He could have a lapse/relapse, use, it should show, but by the time it shows he could have gotten himself together, be in a better place than he was before. But then that test date will roll around and the reactions will come if using shows (especially since no one is working on themselves) and right there is part of the problem. And it won’t matter if he fesses up before hand or not, the reactions will still come.
If you have to drug test to trust, test to love, or test to pacify something in you, or to make sure they are following whatever rules were made up along the way … then you need help.
Drug testing done by a company,by a doctor requiring it ( not because of family wanting it ) by a rehab, by law enforcement, by court systems are one thing…
Drug testing by family is usually something warped, sick and twisted … with control, fear and unhealthy motives running the show.
Kelly have you created some bottom line for yourself of what you can‘t live with, won‘t live with, where you won‘t compromise yourself… although I would be more concerned with how you felt before the fact. Were cheating and payoffs something you would ever see yourself making normal, justifying as ok to tolerate? Is he responsible for his actions or is the drug the blame…The drug sex connection and that is not just with cocaine…actually it should be the person drug connection, who we are draws us to certain drugs more than others.
Have you compromised yourself, what do you feel? Will you again? Will there be the next bad behavior that is tolerated and acceptable? This is where you should be, examining your motives, if you are compromising yourself, finding where your bottom line is, what you want and need from this life and how and if he fits into that. I don’t care if you leave or stay, that is on you, but you don’t seem to get the reality of this and how much you are part of his problem now …
And the hope, well that lies in what people will do for themselves…happy endings are always found in the time one gives to themselves no matter which side of the fence they sit on.
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Had time to read through all the replies today; as Im back at work. Couple things do jump out at me.
It truly does appear that MY mindset, and the actions of BF father truly do bring out the codie’ in people.
My original post, and this continuance were never meant to trigger people. But what I have realized today is that I really don’t understand how to deal with people who have strong codependent tendencies. I don’t mean this negatively, but it appears that the mindset is just different. And so when people take what I say; it is processed in a way other than I intended very often.
Some of it I think is learned behavior; you get burned too many times by an addict, your hopes get dashed and smashed; and you change your way of thinking to protect yourself.
I’ve read about codependency over these few months, and it seems to me that some people have codependency tendencies even if there is not an addict involved.
I’ve read characteristics of codependents, and truly I think most of these characteristics are fine, and actually healthy as long as they are handled in moderation. Its only when these actions become obsessive and interfere with other aspects of your life that it becomes a real issue.
So ‘codependency’ is not something that I have ever had to deal with in my life; not through my family, friends, or other relationships.. (also no drug issues, abuse, neglect in my past, etc) So I don’t bring it here to this relationship.
I just say all that to get to my point; that I think this is why I’m misunderstood. Its not that I haven’t experienced the pain of addiction. As has been noted by many… I have experienced many negative effects of my BF use. I was informed about his past, thought it was over and then shocked when he relapsed. Not only did he have a one night relapse just before xmas – leaving me sitting in the ICU on Christmas Day; he also had picked up not only drugs but a working gal’ on that night – and had a one night stand. And then to top it off, he comes home does more drugs and I find him unconscious in the middle of an overdose. Many people with years of dealing with an addict; never had to go through these things. So for people to say I don’t understand, or that I have forgot the reality that death is often associated with addiction; that’s really quite a misconception.
But I process it differently. And people can’t understand that, so they try to prove to me that my thinking is wrong. Like I must be missing something, because if I truly understood -how could I not think like they do. And then because I am strong in my opinions, and solid in my beliefs; I don’t mind debate, arguing my point, or trying to show my way of thinking. And this just frustrates people.
I have more trouble understanding with the criticism of BF father however. As he is a dad who has gone through years of dealing with his sons addiction issues; just like many on the forum.
But I think the thing is; he thinks differently also. He has handled the situation in a way most people here would not have chosen. He enabled to an extent, never turned to tough love, never went no contact. He kept trying. Yes, finally he gave BF the ultimatum that he had to get some help or he couldn’t continue to work for him anymore. This was done really out of necessity because BF dad was ultimately responsible for all the people that work for him, as well as the clients they represent & BF had made a lot of bad choices. It wasn’t a personal decision. It was a business decision.
His dad was left in shock when BF not only quit his job, but left behind his life and disappeared for over a year. But still his dad did what he could to preserve the life BF left behind. He handled all of the missteps related to work, he didn’t let his house go into foreclosure because the bills weren’t paid; and when ultimately reunited with his son; he was able to forgive him for the past, and instead of withdrawing – he reached out, offered guidance, support, encouragement, hope.
BF dad thinks differently too. He hasn’t followed the rules of tough love’ that many people here subscribe to. But instead of seeing him as kind, loving, and generous… people have to ask ‘what is dad expecting to directly’ get back from all his effort he has put forth’ – there must be something because ‘ I would never do all that ‘ without……
I believe Codie mentality expects two results from giving: one is that when you give something of yourself (emotionally, financially), your expecting something in return - now you now have power over another. And second; giving brings about feelings of weakness, like you have made a mistake, left yourself open to being hurt because odds are its not going to turn out like you wanted. (behavior wont change, opportunity will be missed, thanks and appreciation wont come).
But in the world I know… the non-codie world; sometimes this is that case….manipulation exists everywhere….. even within families… but more often than not; you give freely just because you can, and you don’t expect a direct’ benefit back to you. Its more a selfless act of giving to another where you realize you cannot control the outcome.
BF is a smart guy, and a hard worker. He worked hard to get into good colleges, graduated with honors, accepted a position at a firm in NY and worked there for a couple years to earn his stripes; so that people wouldn’t think his dad was handing him anything. He doesn’t have a job where his father can just pave the way to professional success. His industry is client based; if your not capable and proficient at what you do; then your not going to keep your clients. And since many people here seem so mesmerized by money issues; salary aside, the clients are where you make your % and the big $.
The things his dad has asked of him; the things his dad has offered him in relation to his work… those are not things that are out of line for his industry. If another employer asked for drug testing via hair there would be no comment about it. If another employer offered to reinstate him and provide work related opportunities… people would just say ‘well he is lucky to be given a second chance’.
People seem to think that his father thinks these things will ‘cure’ him; I don’t believe that to be the case. But these things are also not going to hurt him, and he doesn’t feel that his son should be denied the opportunities and support that he can offer. For those people that say these things are going to make him go back to using drugs; I think that is a ridiculous notion – and once again codie’ mentality to believe that his father has this much power over his choice to use drugs.
My boyfriend doesn’t have anger towards his father; they have always had a good relationship. There is no bitterness, no battle for control that I can see. They actually have respect for each other, and I think this is what people can’t grasp. When I met BF he had a lot of regret over things that he had done in the past; things that affected his dad. He had a lot of pain because he had cast aside his morals and his values because he was caught up in his addiction. He really didn’t think he could face his dad, didn’t think he could make right all the wrongs. But since his dad has been back in his life; and they have talked through all these things; he seems to be much more at peace with himself; he has been able to start letting it go, and reconcile it all within himself.
It truly does appear that MY mindset, and the actions of BF father truly do bring out the codie’ in people.
My original post, and this continuance were never meant to trigger people. But what I have realized today is that I really don’t understand how to deal with people who have strong codependent tendencies. I don’t mean this negatively, but it appears that the mindset is just different. And so when people take what I say; it is processed in a way other than I intended very often.
Some of it I think is learned behavior; you get burned too many times by an addict, your hopes get dashed and smashed; and you change your way of thinking to protect yourself.
I’ve read about codependency over these few months, and it seems to me that some people have codependency tendencies even if there is not an addict involved.
I’ve read characteristics of codependents, and truly I think most of these characteristics are fine, and actually healthy as long as they are handled in moderation. Its only when these actions become obsessive and interfere with other aspects of your life that it becomes a real issue.
So ‘codependency’ is not something that I have ever had to deal with in my life; not through my family, friends, or other relationships.. (also no drug issues, abuse, neglect in my past, etc) So I don’t bring it here to this relationship.
I just say all that to get to my point; that I think this is why I’m misunderstood. Its not that I haven’t experienced the pain of addiction. As has been noted by many… I have experienced many negative effects of my BF use. I was informed about his past, thought it was over and then shocked when he relapsed. Not only did he have a one night relapse just before xmas – leaving me sitting in the ICU on Christmas Day; he also had picked up not only drugs but a working gal’ on that night – and had a one night stand. And then to top it off, he comes home does more drugs and I find him unconscious in the middle of an overdose. Many people with years of dealing with an addict; never had to go through these things. So for people to say I don’t understand, or that I have forgot the reality that death is often associated with addiction; that’s really quite a misconception.
But I process it differently. And people can’t understand that, so they try to prove to me that my thinking is wrong. Like I must be missing something, because if I truly understood -how could I not think like they do. And then because I am strong in my opinions, and solid in my beliefs; I don’t mind debate, arguing my point, or trying to show my way of thinking. And this just frustrates people.
I have more trouble understanding with the criticism of BF father however. As he is a dad who has gone through years of dealing with his sons addiction issues; just like many on the forum.
But I think the thing is; he thinks differently also. He has handled the situation in a way most people here would not have chosen. He enabled to an extent, never turned to tough love, never went no contact. He kept trying. Yes, finally he gave BF the ultimatum that he had to get some help or he couldn’t continue to work for him anymore. This was done really out of necessity because BF dad was ultimately responsible for all the people that work for him, as well as the clients they represent & BF had made a lot of bad choices. It wasn’t a personal decision. It was a business decision.
His dad was left in shock when BF not only quit his job, but left behind his life and disappeared for over a year. But still his dad did what he could to preserve the life BF left behind. He handled all of the missteps related to work, he didn’t let his house go into foreclosure because the bills weren’t paid; and when ultimately reunited with his son; he was able to forgive him for the past, and instead of withdrawing – he reached out, offered guidance, support, encouragement, hope.
BF dad thinks differently too. He hasn’t followed the rules of tough love’ that many people here subscribe to. But instead of seeing him as kind, loving, and generous… people have to ask ‘what is dad expecting to directly’ get back from all his effort he has put forth’ – there must be something because ‘ I would never do all that ‘ without……
I believe Codie mentality expects two results from giving: one is that when you give something of yourself (emotionally, financially), your expecting something in return - now you now have power over another. And second; giving brings about feelings of weakness, like you have made a mistake, left yourself open to being hurt because odds are its not going to turn out like you wanted. (behavior wont change, opportunity will be missed, thanks and appreciation wont come).
But in the world I know… the non-codie world; sometimes this is that case….manipulation exists everywhere….. even within families… but more often than not; you give freely just because you can, and you don’t expect a direct’ benefit back to you. Its more a selfless act of giving to another where you realize you cannot control the outcome.
BF is a smart guy, and a hard worker. He worked hard to get into good colleges, graduated with honors, accepted a position at a firm in NY and worked there for a couple years to earn his stripes; so that people wouldn’t think his dad was handing him anything. He doesn’t have a job where his father can just pave the way to professional success. His industry is client based; if your not capable and proficient at what you do; then your not going to keep your clients. And since many people here seem so mesmerized by money issues; salary aside, the clients are where you make your % and the big $.
The things his dad has asked of him; the things his dad has offered him in relation to his work… those are not things that are out of line for his industry. If another employer asked for drug testing via hair there would be no comment about it. If another employer offered to reinstate him and provide work related opportunities… people would just say ‘well he is lucky to be given a second chance’.
People seem to think that his father thinks these things will ‘cure’ him; I don’t believe that to be the case. But these things are also not going to hurt him, and he doesn’t feel that his son should be denied the opportunities and support that he can offer. For those people that say these things are going to make him go back to using drugs; I think that is a ridiculous notion – and once again codie’ mentality to believe that his father has this much power over his choice to use drugs.
My boyfriend doesn’t have anger towards his father; they have always had a good relationship. There is no bitterness, no battle for control that I can see. They actually have respect for each other, and I think this is what people can’t grasp. When I met BF he had a lot of regret over things that he had done in the past; things that affected his dad. He had a lot of pain because he had cast aside his morals and his values because he was caught up in his addiction. He really didn’t think he could face his dad, didn’t think he could make right all the wrongs. But since his dad has been back in his life; and they have talked through all these things; he seems to be much more at peace with himself; he has been able to start letting it go, and reconcile it all within himself.
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And I just have to add this in because I find it so puzzling…. When I first mentioned that BF dad had suggested we attend a couples therapy; I specifically left out that it was at a nice place by the ocean with horses…. Because I knew this would draw criticism and it was really no ones business. However, once I started being bombarded with posts saying it was outrageous that he would cross personal boundaries to do such a thing, that it was an insult to me and BF… I felt compelled to add that he and his wife had been through it also, and that it was not only couples therapy but that it was a pleasant retreat. Hoping that this would dispel the negativity… but instead it just drew more criticism because now it was too lavish….. and then I get comments about being too good for Styrofoam cups. And suggestions that if I think horses will save BF then I should write a novel and take it to Hollywood. Im not sure where this weird resentment towards animals and glassware comes from, but I find it very puzzling, and quite odd.
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Originally Posted by KelleyF 
So ‘codependency’ is not something that I have ever had to deal with in my life; not through my family, friends, or other relationships.. (also no drug issues, abuse, neglect in my past, etc) So I don’t bring it here to this relationship.
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Ouch. Blame game, anyone?
I agree with Chino. If your thinking is so superior, why are you here? I don't mean that rudely or aggressively. I genuinely wonder, and often wonder when I see your posts, what are you hoping to gain here?
I agree with Chino. If your thinking is so superior, why are you here? I don't mean that rudely or aggressively. I genuinely wonder, and often wonder when I see your posts, what are you hoping to gain here?
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 317
Kelly,
I agree with that other poster that not every addict has to hit some terrible rock bottom, but I also think it is possible that your BF did indeed hit bottom with the overdose already.
I think it is going fine with the dads and everything.Also about the drug test- lots of jobs random drug test, why should this job be different? I think it is fine. Your BF is lucky to have the opportunities that he does, and loving support. I also think that you are smart enough to take things slow, because you risked giving your BF all your love and a second chance. People do deserve second chances, and there is something you see in him that makes him worth it
I know you have boundaries for yourself, and if your BF crosses them, you will probably not stay. I have those with my BF(things that would make me leave him even though I love him). You seem strong enough not to put up with any BS in the future, and are an independent strong person.
I was also thinking. In my situation, I do not have kids at home or want anymore kids(knock on wood) so my choice of BF is a little different. My BF is NOT a kid person(doesn't like kids). He is also a touring death metal musician and is away 4 months out of the year. I mention that, because he would not have been my choice if I had kids at home, or wanted kids(or hated metal ha). I have a little more freedom in that area because of my situation. In addition, our money is separate. We have separate checking accounts and split the bills. I also was great friends with, and worked with my BF 3 years prior to dating him, so I knew what kind of person he was over time- work ethic, was he a cheater etc... Not saying people should wait that long, but it is nice for me. Disclaimer: My BF and I are far from perfect
I am saying all that because I see a pattern with people who commit to a RA, or addict and have kids and a bunch of financial entanglements, and then it seems almost impossible for them to leave. In many cases they had an indication before kids, marriage, or commitment that there was a problem. I don't know if you want kids not trying to be presumptuous here. I was thinking that might be in your mind Final note on this: I know we cannot pick the perfect person, and there is no such thing as zero issues, but I think we should be smart about it, and give ourselves the best chance at a good outcome.
Going on.....
Kelly, I am a bit of a selfish person, and often the more emotionally unavailable in a relationship. Basically, I need a really emotionally strong guy(but that is me). That is why is was hard for me to see you nursing this guy through this Don't take that wrong. You are stronger then me, and I am really really picky about guys, and maybe I am more of a basket case.
K, with all that being said. the best advice anyone said here was to take it slow, and it sounds like you are.
Not sure about the couples retreat counseling thing. Maybe you two need a break from all the emotional stuff and to just have a good time. Maybe the dad could exchange the counseling thing for a nice vacation. I would work that angle *wink*
To bad we are online, would be fun to have a girls night out!
Hugs, Diana
I agree with that other poster that not every addict has to hit some terrible rock bottom, but I also think it is possible that your BF did indeed hit bottom with the overdose already.
I think it is going fine with the dads and everything.Also about the drug test- lots of jobs random drug test, why should this job be different? I think it is fine. Your BF is lucky to have the opportunities that he does, and loving support. I also think that you are smart enough to take things slow, because you risked giving your BF all your love and a second chance. People do deserve second chances, and there is something you see in him that makes him worth it
I know you have boundaries for yourself, and if your BF crosses them, you will probably not stay. I have those with my BF(things that would make me leave him even though I love him). You seem strong enough not to put up with any BS in the future, and are an independent strong person.
I was also thinking. In my situation, I do not have kids at home or want anymore kids(knock on wood) so my choice of BF is a little different. My BF is NOT a kid person(doesn't like kids). He is also a touring death metal musician and is away 4 months out of the year. I mention that, because he would not have been my choice if I had kids at home, or wanted kids(or hated metal ha). I have a little more freedom in that area because of my situation. In addition, our money is separate. We have separate checking accounts and split the bills. I also was great friends with, and worked with my BF 3 years prior to dating him, so I knew what kind of person he was over time- work ethic, was he a cheater etc... Not saying people should wait that long, but it is nice for me. Disclaimer: My BF and I are far from perfect
I am saying all that because I see a pattern with people who commit to a RA, or addict and have kids and a bunch of financial entanglements, and then it seems almost impossible for them to leave. In many cases they had an indication before kids, marriage, or commitment that there was a problem. I don't know if you want kids not trying to be presumptuous here. I was thinking that might be in your mind
Final note on this: I know we cannot pick the perfect person, and there is no such thing as zero issues, but I think we should be smart about it, and give ourselves the best chance at a good outcome.Going on.....
Kelly, I am a bit of a selfish person, and often the more emotionally unavailable in a relationship. Basically, I need a really emotionally strong guy(but that is me). That is why is was hard for me to see you nursing this guy through this
Don't take that wrong. You are stronger then me, and I am really really picky about guys, and maybe I am more of a basket case.K, with all that being said. the best advice anyone said here was to take it slow, and it sounds like you are.
Not sure about the couples retreat counseling thing. Maybe you two need a break from all the emotional stuff and to just have a good time. Maybe the dad could exchange the counseling thing for a nice vacation. I would work that angle *wink*
To bad we are online, would be fun to have a girls night out!
Hugs, Diana
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Originally Posted by KelleyF
So ‘codependency’ is not something that I have ever had to deal with in my life; not through my family, friends, or other relationships.. (also no drug issues, abuse, neglect in my past, etc) So I don’t bring it here to this relationship.
Co-dependency can be "born" out of this relationship. That is what people are trying to tell you. They recognize the slippery slope and defensiveness.
just sayin'
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Kelley,
Your "one night stand" with addiction...no matter how awful it was, does not equal the repetitive behaviors that cause loved ones (mothers, wives, sisters, girlfriends and all the male equivalents) to start seeking ways to detach from the destruction of addiction. When you live through relapse after relapse or ongoing use...when you are dealing with active addiction you are dealing with a different situation.
It appears you have dodged a bullet and you have only had to experience that one episodic weekend. I can pretty much guarantee you that everyone here reacted that "first time" (and a multitude of times after that as well!) with loads of love and support and encouragement and everything else that you describe yourself and your "BF DAD" as being.
You simply just HAVE NOT been down the same road. For me you don't trigger "codie" issues...you trigger my anger because you cross my boundaries with what sounds like shaming superiority, as though your "untarnished" upbringing and oh so loving attitude has made the difference in your situation. As though your cupcake happiness has made the difference, that "WE codies" haven't been able to figure out! And then you come back and say that we are getting all codie on you. You don't seem to get the message that you are hurtful, shaming and ridden with superiority! And part of the reason you don't get the message is that it is censored!
Actually what I think A LOT of us are trying to say is that you are insulting and naieve and have inserted yourself into a place where you claim you don't belong. If you ever come to a place where your lad is repeatedly relapsing, disappearing on you, spending your mortgage, etc etc etc...and you figure out that your cupcake love doesn't make one darn iota of difference...when you are broken hearted, or grieving, or at a loss for where the person you love has disappeared to...
then come on back and get some help. right now it appears you don't need it. and THAT is what many of us have been trying to point out. That your "la di da" attitude can be hurtful, (not to mention annoying) but most of us can't say it because we get deleted!!! So not only is your original attitude insulting but then you insult us for being insulted!
Jeeeeeezzzzzzzz.
Your "one night stand" with addiction...no matter how awful it was, does not equal the repetitive behaviors that cause loved ones (mothers, wives, sisters, girlfriends and all the male equivalents) to start seeking ways to detach from the destruction of addiction. When you live through relapse after relapse or ongoing use...when you are dealing with active addiction you are dealing with a different situation.
It appears you have dodged a bullet and you have only had to experience that one episodic weekend. I can pretty much guarantee you that everyone here reacted that "first time" (and a multitude of times after that as well!) with loads of love and support and encouragement and everything else that you describe yourself and your "BF DAD" as being.
You simply just HAVE NOT been down the same road. For me you don't trigger "codie" issues...you trigger my anger because you cross my boundaries with what sounds like shaming superiority, as though your "untarnished" upbringing and oh so loving attitude has made the difference in your situation. As though your cupcake happiness has made the difference, that "WE codies" haven't been able to figure out! And then you come back and say that we are getting all codie on you. You don't seem to get the message that you are hurtful, shaming and ridden with superiority! And part of the reason you don't get the message is that it is censored!
Actually what I think A LOT of us are trying to say is that you are insulting and naieve and have inserted yourself into a place where you claim you don't belong. If you ever come to a place where your lad is repeatedly relapsing, disappearing on you, spending your mortgage, etc etc etc...and you figure out that your cupcake love doesn't make one darn iota of difference...when you are broken hearted, or grieving, or at a loss for where the person you love has disappeared to...
then come on back and get some help. right now it appears you don't need it. and THAT is what many of us have been trying to point out. That your "la di da" attitude can be hurtful, (not to mention annoying) but most of us can't say it because we get deleted!!! So not only is your original attitude insulting but then you insult us for being insulted!
Jeeeeeezzzzzzzz.
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Originally Posted by KelleyF
((windmills))
It wasn't my intent AT ALL to imply my thinking is superior/better.
I just don't think the same; and that is why I think people misunderstand me so often.
It wasn't my intent AT ALL to imply my thinking is superior/better.
I just don't think the same; and that is why I think people misunderstand me so often.
When I find myself being misunderstood.....I find it's time to start doing more listening.
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((Leslie))
See that's the thing; I don't worry about talking about cupcakes, or making them for my BF because I KNOW ITS NOT GOING TO EFFECT HIS ADDICTION
Where your saying people read that and think I'm saying it will.
And extending it further they think Im implying if they baked all would be well for them.
But in my reality... Bake, ride my bike, walk into a scary ham store....
Enjoy what I want to do, enjoy these things with my boyfriend.... None of it affects his addiction. That's all on him.
See that's the thing; I don't worry about talking about cupcakes, or making them for my BF because I KNOW ITS NOT GOING TO EFFECT HIS ADDICTION
Where your saying people read that and think I'm saying it will.
And extending it further they think Im implying if they baked all would be well for them.
But in my reality... Bake, ride my bike, walk into a scary ham store....
Enjoy what I want to do, enjoy these things with my boyfriend.... None of it affects his addiction. That's all on him.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
I kind of don't think that ANY of us really think the "same". we all have handled different situations in different ways...
as I have said before there are possibilities and then there are probabilities.
anyone who loves/is involved with a person who is struggling with addiction is a "co-dependent" they are copilot to a substance dependent person. if you love/are involved with a very obese person, chances are that you are "codependent"...you might have a lot of hope that your love will help "fill the hole" that they are filling with food. anorexics are like this too...no matter how much you love them or tell them they are beautiful/slim they just waste away, and many die. those who are around the "struggling dependent" are in "community" they are CO-dependents in the system, and they end up behaving in various ways...but I DO believe the most common trait is the hope that love will heal...
that's why it is so so so hard to let go. it is blatantly and painfully against the nature of the heart to let go....but in the long history of probabilities "letting go" has been the most effective method of healing for all involved.
if the dependent person can not love themselves, find their spiritual connection within themselves...then the black pit of a hole stays gaping open and will suck everyone around it down into the hole...babies included.
it is not the way people think here Kelley...it is that people here are trying to learn how to make that last effort to free themselves from a disastrous disease that will use and destroy everyone connected to it if there are not healthy boundaries rebuilt.
yes, some of us may come from systems that included this...
but many of us did NOT! this disease, and the codependency that develops in the system, knows no boundaries whatsoever of class, race, religion, education level, etc etc.
you can just be grateful that you haven't had to "think like us" re: make the heartbreaking and very hard decisions...it's not some "defect" we have...it is called LOVE of a person with unresolved addiction, and the self-preservation to detach out of necessity for all involved.
as I have said before there are possibilities and then there are probabilities.
anyone who loves/is involved with a person who is struggling with addiction is a "co-dependent" they are copilot to a substance dependent person. if you love/are involved with a very obese person, chances are that you are "codependent"...you might have a lot of hope that your love will help "fill the hole" that they are filling with food. anorexics are like this too...no matter how much you love them or tell them they are beautiful/slim they just waste away, and many die. those who are around the "struggling dependent" are in "community" they are CO-dependents in the system, and they end up behaving in various ways...but I DO believe the most common trait is the hope that love will heal...
that's why it is so so so hard to let go. it is blatantly and painfully against the nature of the heart to let go....but in the long history of probabilities "letting go" has been the most effective method of healing for all involved.
if the dependent person can not love themselves, find their spiritual connection within themselves...then the black pit of a hole stays gaping open and will suck everyone around it down into the hole...babies included.
it is not the way people think here Kelley...it is that people here are trying to learn how to make that last effort to free themselves from a disastrous disease that will use and destroy everyone connected to it if there are not healthy boundaries rebuilt.
yes, some of us may come from systems that included this...
but many of us did NOT! this disease, and the codependency that develops in the system, knows no boundaries whatsoever of class, race, religion, education level, etc etc.
you can just be grateful that you haven't had to "think like us" re: make the heartbreaking and very hard decisions...it's not some "defect" we have...it is called LOVE of a person with unresolved addiction, and the self-preservation to detach out of necessity for all involved.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 924
(((Kelley))))
you're not worried because you have not been drawn into the system yet...at least not to the point where you are having to make heart breaking decisions, like many in crisis here! if and when you ever ARE at that point you WILL KNOW IT!!
I'm not saying you think your cupcakes make a difference. I'm saying where you are at in making your cupcakes is not drawn down in the system. and like I said, you may have dodged a bullet...as someone else said maybe that OD was the real bottom for your beau. And because, as it stands now that seems to be the case, then you have escaped being brought down to the level of needing so badly to separate that you know you need help to do so...
its a hard place
stay out of it.
you're not worried because you have not been drawn into the system yet...at least not to the point where you are having to make heart breaking decisions, like many in crisis here! if and when you ever ARE at that point you WILL KNOW IT!!
I'm not saying you think your cupcakes make a difference. I'm saying where you are at in making your cupcakes is not drawn down in the system. and like I said, you may have dodged a bullet...as someone else said maybe that OD was the real bottom for your beau. And because, as it stands now that seems to be the case, then you have escaped being brought down to the level of needing so badly to separate that you know you need help to do so...
its a hard place
stay out of it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 445
Originally Posted by SSIL75
OT but I have to ask what the asterisks mean? After your sentences?
like "I don't think that makes me too involved.*"
What does the star mean?
like "I don't think that makes me too involved.*"
What does the star mean?
It comes when I cut/paste from my iPhone or iPad
Don't know why - has no meaning that I'm aware of
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 445
Originally Posted by YearForMe
When I find myself being misunderstood.....I find it's time to start doing more listening.
I feel so much compassion for this guy and would love nothing more than to see him just take off and run like the wind to another country…to another life. I would love to see him assume a new name, set up a chair rental place on a tropical beach, never have more than a few bucks in his pocket, and live a low-key existence. I want him to find people that love and accept him for exactly who he is, and not try to change or manipulate him into being who they want him to be…someone to carry on a legacy…or someone to be molded into the perfect financial provider. This isn’t a story of addiction…addiction really has nothing to do with it. For him the use of drugs is just a necessary escape. To me, this has become a story of control, expectations, entitlement, and…greed.
Everyone seemed to love this post; and it's funny; but these statements are very slanted; and I see no value to it.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 317
Kelly- Thanks. I think it was the long hair and tats that got me.. ha
In reading some of these posts:
I guess some people would be a "no" on the girls night out! lol
It was said in here that you didn't have to make heartbreaking choices and you are not worried, or that you do not belong here.
I think you did have to make heartbreaking choices, that you do worry, and that you do belong here.
Can we all just stop trying to force our own subjective drama down her throat. Her posts are some of the least disturbing to me in this room.
Humph...
In reading some of these posts:
I guess some people would be a "no" on the girls night out! lol
It was said in here that you didn't have to make heartbreaking choices and you are not worried, or that you do not belong here.
I think you did have to make heartbreaking choices, that you do worry, and that you do belong here.
Can we all just stop trying to force our own subjective drama down her throat. Her posts are some of the least disturbing to me in this room.
Humph...
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